REFLECTIONS FROM FIVE YEARS AGO...
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And auld lang syne.
Wouldn't it be nice if we were older
Then we wouldn't have to wait so long
And wouldn't it be nice to live together
In the kind of world where we belong
You know its gonna make it that much better
When we can say goodnight and stay together
I may not always love you
But long as there are stars above you
You never need to doubt it
I'll make you so sure about it
God only knows what I'd be without you
If you should ever leave me
Though life would still go on believe me
So I guess the benefit of having an unconventional New Years is some quiet time to reflect back on years past.
I can never express enough how fluid life is...it's absolutely amazing how things shift.
Nothing ever happens the way you think it will,
but things always follow the perfect plan of how it's supposed to.
What a wild and crazy ride I've had.
Truly thankful for each day I wake up and get to experience one more moment of this wonderful life.
I will continually express gratitude for life and how happy I am it has been the way it's been.
When I look back even five years ago,
I'm speechless at how much things have changed.
I've set goals and met them,
I've transformed to a person I don't even recognize.
I'm the best version of myself today then I've ever been before.
What I've worked so hard to be,
by throwing caution to the wind,
taking risks,
stepping outside my comfort zone,
remaining patient,
living bravely,
practicing love,
appreciating beauty...
These things have sincerely taught me so much about myself and my world I didn't even know I needed to learn,
and ultimately has changed my life forever.
2010.
I decided I wanted to take some risks.
Post college graduate and so lost.
Struggled through figuring out my place in the world,
and couldn't fight the urge to flee and explore.
Fighting to become an individual.
Such a baby,
brand new to independence and responsibility.
Immature simply because I thought I knew EVERYTHING.
Surprised to find out what the real world looked like.
Set goals with the idea that things would go exactly how I planned them.
Unprepared for surprise disappointments,
uncertain of how to be.
But so desperate to try.
Unrealistic in all expectations,
but naively hopeful.
2011.
NYC-the city where I found myself.
The life changing experience that pushed me to my absolute limits.
A true introspective year,
examining the inner parts of the person I was and how I became this way.
New places, new people, new friends.
Lots of travel and adventure.
Lots and lots of loneliness.
This year was filled with solitude.
Which was both necessary and almost irreparably traumatic.
But important to gain life experience,
and to learn to take responsibility for success and failures.
I grew up a lot that year.
I realized how to process emotions,
I learned how to live day to day,
gave up some control,
allowed myself to be a student of life and to fall in love with my surroundings.
2012.
Three moves, three different states.
Lots of change.
I spent a lot of this year practicing being the new version of myself,
created from the concrete jungle.
Struggling to adapt to rapid changes,
learning how to plan and strategize about next steps,
while remaining flexible and optimistic.
I found my way home again,
reintroduced myself to the familiar,
while staying true to the process of transforming.
Kept moving forward.
Missed my city to an unimaginable degree.
Set my eyes westward.
2013.
This was the year I started having to sit on my hands.
I learned how to re-establish myself while building relationships.
The solitude of my past years truly began to fade,
I made new friendships.
Lasting friendships.
I held a job longer than I ever had before.
I built a home for myself.
I grew into an adult.
I learned once again...I can't control how life happens.
I started building.
I hadn't ever started building,
because I had never stayed.
I decided to stay.
I re-evaluated a future.
I confirmed priorities.
I tried to practice love and observe beauty,
even in a familiar and unchanging setting.
2014.
I took ownership of my life in this year.
I returned to my city and found closure I desperately needed.
I allowed my soul to open up and listen,
and felt the call to be west,
and felt the urge to be near the ocean.
I fell in love,
I had a broken heart.
But I felt like a true participant of life.
No longer an observer,
still tried to love and practice understanding.
Solidified friendships that will last a lifetime.
Truly felt whole for the first time,
Realized that I have strengths,
and to not be using them to grow professionally was a waste.
A year where I learned to live alone,
earnestly built a home in the first place I could call mine and only mine.
I played hard,
focused a lot on having a relationship,
and building others.
Appreciated my friends and family.
Grew a determination and decided that even though life was grand,
it was time to move on.
2015.
This year...
Which is 38 minutes from being over...
has been the best year of my life.
I left the middle, but kept all things that made it special.
I watched my best friends get married...
I got a tattoo, which was long overdue...
I spent time with my family,
I spend time with other families,
I gave the midwest a proper goodbye.
I took the best version of myself...
the patient, brave, practical, well traveled, ambitious, hardworking, flexible, hopefully optimistic, wanderlust filled confident version of myself
and hit the road.
I put distance between myself and the past,
and arrived in the golden state.
Finally.
The largest accomplishment of my meager life,
my biggest dream,
the ultimate goal,
where it all began.
I finally made it West.
And I introduced the best version I've ever been,
to the best place I've ever been.
I've solidified old relationships,
built new ones,
acquired new skills,
maintained sanity,
maintained patience.
Remained open minded,
experienced newness,
revisited old familiarities.
Shared some new experiences, kept others to myself.
I found a balance to life I knew existed but never new how to obtain.
I forgave old wounds,
and healed a broken heart.
I watched so many ocean sunsets.
I'm prepared for the unexpected and I welcome surprise disappointments as opportunities for character building.
I remain open to love and having love.
I remain hopeful for new adventures and I keep a gratitude for every moment.
Life can change in an instant and we must live each moment as if it matters the most.
This has been a year that has showed me that life can be lived in a way I never knew it could be.
I have never done living this good,
this easy.
I know that goals can be met, not matter how large.
I know that things can take time and people can truly change.
I know that I can change.
I know I'm not the same as five years ago,
and in five years I won't be the same as I am now.
But I know I will never stop trying to soak up all the experience and adventure I can.
I know that my dreams are valid and no matter what people think,
it's about how bad you want something,
and anything is possible.
Worrying doesn't help,
just letting life happen organically is the best way to live.
Work on the little things and as they improve the bigger things will start shifting into place.
Relationships can be tricky,
but sometimes it's worth the risk of heart break to enjoy the fall,
and give back what you get.
People who are meant to reappear will.
Let things go,
holding on to baggage will just keep you from truly feeling free.
I cannot express enough gratitude for everyone and everything that has brought me to where I am.
Not just for the life lessons in 2015, but in all the previous years since I began this journey.
It has not been easy,
and each year brings new challenges,
but learning how to fight for something will reveal a lot about how much you actually want it.
And I wanted this...
So as 2016 approaches,
let me remind you-
Appreciate beauty in all things-small or large.
Sometimes you have to slow down and look around to see it,
but beauty is everywhere,
its one of life's greatest gifts.
Living a life where you are both patience and brave,
where you keep pushing yourself out of your comfort zone,
and where you work on transforming into a better version
will be a catalyst for living a better life.
Practicing love, even when you don't get it back,
even when you are afraid of heartbreak,
is so important.
The key to understanding love starts with loving yourself,
be your best advocate,
take care of yourself and you will be able to take care of others.
Never say never, never say always,
remain hopeful and stay open minded.
You will not believe the experiences you will have if you live this way.
And of course,
keep trying to be a better version of yourself today then you were tomorrow,
everyone is a work in progress,
There is beauty in simply surviving the trials of life.
Never forget that.
“I believed in a good home, in sane and sound living, in good food, good times, work, faith and hope. I have always believed in these things. It was with some amazement that I realized I was one of the few people in the world who really believed in these things without going around making a dull middle class philosophy out of it. I was suddenly left with nothing in my hands but a handful of crazy stars.”
-Jack Kerouac