"In these deep city lights Girl could get lost tonight I'm finding every reason to be gone There's nothing here to hold on to Could i hold on to you?"

I was there, 369 days ago. Walking the streets of Brooklyn near my apartment. Wondering what it would have been like to be an inhabitant of this glorious place a decade ago. The fear and terror and the uncertainty that must have been ricocheting off every sidewalk and building. The suffering, the loss, the anger, the pain. And I felt this odd connectivity to every single person I passed that day, wandering around the Burroughs, heads filled with similar thoughts and quiet remembrance. And I could see the blue lights, filling the empty spaces where the towers once stood so tall. I could see them from across the river. Two blue beams in the sky. And I knew, not another 9.11 would pass without this memory resurfacing in my mind. I love you city, and I'm thinking of you this year same as last, same as next. Thankful for everything you've given.

In the wake of the attacks, New Yorkers united first in grief – and then in resolve. We understood that the hijackers did more than attack two buildings; they attacked the freedom that defines our city and country: The freedom to think and speak and worship and love as we wish. We understood that without those freedoms there was no New York City, no United States of America, no democratic society anywhere – only tyranny and terror. And we understood that we could not expect our men and women in uniform abroad to defend those values alone. We had to do our part right here at home.

“We had to show the world that – in everyday lives – terror could not diminish our tolerance.  Hate could not defeat our hope.  And fanaticism could not destroy our freedom. Each of us did that in a million little ways – in the flags we waved and the blood we gave and the donations we made. We did it in time by volunteering – as rescue and recovery workers, social workers and medical professionals, as caterers and caregivers. We did it in the way we treated each other – with a new-found sense of solidarity. People of every color, of every country, speaking every language, practicing every religion, holding every belief, and yet we were all New Yorkers first – proud of our city, and determined to bring it back.

From Mayer Bloomberg's Address on The Rebuilding of Lower Manhattan on the 10 year anniversary of 9/11

So that the legacy of 9/11 will be felt not just here in Lower Manhattan but across each and every one of our 50 states for decades and centuries to come.

We are all born for love.

It is the principle of existence, and its only end.

~Benjamin Disraeli

“Each moment that I wait feels like a year, an eternity. Each moment is as slow and transparent as glass. Through each moment I can see infinite moments line up, waiting. Why has he gone where I cannot follow?” 

"Oh, the comfort - the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person - having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away."

ON PERSPECTIVE AND CIRCUMSTANCE, AND TIME...

A  lot has happened this year, in a much more subtle quiet way then last, but a lot all the same.

Maybe it's as the move is creeping closer,

and I'm both eager and terrified of my familiar friend change.

And I remind myself where I was at this point last year,

and the year before.

And how this whole adventure started because I  was simply working on 

being patient,

giving into the natural rhythms of life,

loving harder,

trying to find the beauty in all people and circumstance.

And a year later I was preparing to leave this perfect city I began my new life in,

And this surprise transformation overtook ever aspect of my life and self.

and now another year has past,

and here I am.

It's funny how the experiences of last year and the year past have  been drifting in and out of my subconscious and conscious mind.

I believe it all started in the beginning of an epic texting conversation,

and Idea, a plan, that awakened a course of action,

that shot me in the direction of East, straight the the heart of the big apple.

I've moved east, north, now south...

And it's all preparations  for what's too come.

Could it be? The voyage West? The last pieces of the puzzle.

Maybe NYC is on my mind because of the approaching anniversary of 9/11,

perhaps it's on my mind because of the approaching move,

perhaps it's on my mind because I'm simply missing it.

Trying to record every  single memory of every single moment, replaying them in my head, dreaming about them.

The city that introduced me to myself...

The way everything has  come about, since years and years ago,

serendipitous explosions of inner connectivity.

And constant full circles looping and overlapping.

Lately I've been thinking about the building blocks of people,

what makes us who we are,

what gives us purpose,

how we love, 

why we love.

I've been thinking about the longevity of introspection,

the way we self improve in basic and complex areas of our person.

How difficult it is too transform drastically,

but how much even harder it becomes to maintain.

To fight this is worthless,

wasted energy draping over our shoulders as the days pass.

Instead it's about reigning the power of transformation.

The comfort of being in a familiar place and the discomfort of old habits.

The comfort of a creation of newness and the discomfort of feeling afraid and alone.

You must give yourself more credit.

Understand that we retain memories we think we have forgotten,

that trickle into parts of ourselves we have not yet become.

The beautiful thing about people,

it's the naiive hopefulness,

the spontaneous  bravery,

the unchanging illogical desire to love and be loved.

So complex, yet so basic at the center of it all.

Don't be discouraged about it all,

don't be afraid of loving,

the all in 100%  kind of love.

I don't understand love and I maybe never will,

but I do know this,

love is not something to be feared,

Remain patient, 

impatience results in daily dissatisfaction and  discontentment.

I cannot express enough the frustration I've felt when trying to make  life  go faster then it's meant to progress.

And this is when I miss  all the opportunities to soak up beauty and imperfection and humanness.

Then it all catches up ,

and it rolls over me like a wave crashing on the shore.

Also,

remember you  have the  heart of a warrior,

you're equipped with enough bravery to lead an army into battle,

you have the soul of a lover and a poet,

and a romantic wandering adventurous spirit.

If you remain true to these characteristics,

you will able to ward off any fear,

survive any tragedy,

endure any lonesomeness,

and you will continually emerge as the best version of the person you  have become.

"I can't feel that. It's sweet and everything, but it's like you're not even there sometimes. It's great that you can listen and be a shoulder to someone, but what about when someone doesn't need a shoulder. What if they need the arms or something like that?" -Perks

“I woke up as the sun was reddening; and that was the one distinct time in my life, the strangest moment of all, when I didn't know who I was - I was far away from home, haunted and tired with travel, in a cheap hotel room I'd never seen, hearing the hiss of steam outside, and the creak of the old wood of the hotel, and footsteps upstairs, and all the sad sounds, and I looked at the cracked high ceiling and really didn't know who I was for about fifteen strange seconds. I wasn't scared; I was just somebody else, some stranger, and my whole life was a haunted life, the life of a ghost.” jack kerouac On The Road.

“Look, I'm going to find a way to be happy, and I'd really love to be happy with you, but if I can't be happy with you, then I'll find a way to be happy without you.” 

Hold on, to me as we go 
As we roll down this unfamiliar road 
And although this wave is stringing us along 
Just know you’re not alone 
Cause I’m going to make this place your home 

Settle down, it'll all be clear 
Don't pay no mind to the demons 
They fill you with fear 
The trouble it might drag you down 
If you get lost, you can always be found 

“the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars.”  jack kerouac

Though I've never been through hell like that
I've closed enough windows
to know you can never look back

If you're lost and alone
Or you're sinking like a stone
Carry on
May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground
Carry on

fun.

“Live, travel, adventure, bless, and don't be sorry.”

memoirs.

sometimes I feel on the edge of greatness,

and sometimes i feel  completely lost, 

with endless distance between the person I am and the  person I want to me.

and i wonder, 

how all the pieces of the picture fit together.

how to be the better version of self.

sometimes i lay awake with empty thoughts,

sometimes i lay awake, overwhelmed by clarity.

the wandering of the well worn path,

the adventures of a voyager, exploring the empty corners of the map.

i can't help but to  fight the fight.

we all want our story to be a story worth telling,

whether it is a story retold many times,

or simply recounted a few,

or locked away and shared with no one.

it's about the worth, and finding the direction we crave.

to search and search and try to make sense of it all.

i know that beauty matters,

and i have seen so much beauty.

I have found beauty in the world, natural, pure, honest.

I have found beauty in people, the struggles and the disparity, the hope and the celebrations.

love is an essence of life.

what does this mean?

to me,

this means love is as necessary as breathing.

you must find a way to love yourself,

and then carry that love for yourself into the relationships you encounter.

find the love that matters,

find the love that is endless,

find the love that defies any other heartbreak.

never forget how far you've come,

the adventures you've experienced,

the places you have traveled,

the cities you have lived in.

you are not regressing.

if you keep those memories close to your heart,

fresh in your mind,

then, and only then, you will see...

how far you have come,

how many steps are between what you were and what you are.

growth.

transformation.

this is what brings life to the lifeless,

hope to the hopeless,

love to the loveless.

But don't lose your spirit,

don't ever stop being brave.

know that nothing last forever,

so appreciate every single moment of the here and now,

then you wont miss anything.

then your life will grain meaning.

carry on through the mundane,

push through the hard parts,

come out stronger on the other side.

love along the way.

and remember,

it all matters.