"So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be."

There’s something about that tunnel that leads to downtown. It’s glorious at night. Just glorious. You start on one side of the mountain, and it’s dark, and the radio is loud. As you enter the tunnel, the wind gets sucked away, and you squint from the lights overhead. When you adjust to the lights, you can see the other side in the distance just as the sound of the radio fades because the waves just can’t reach. Then, you’re in the middle of the tunnel, and everything becomes a calm dream. As you see the opening get closer, you just can’t get there fast enough. And finally, just when you think you’ll never get there, you see the opening right in front of you. And the radio comes back even louder than you remember it. And the wind is waiting. And you fly out of the tunnel onto the bridge. And there it is. The city. A million lights and buildings and everything seems as exciting as the first time you saw it. It really is a grand entrance.

I hope it's the kind of second side

that he can listen to whenever he

drives alone and feel like he belongs

to something whenever he's sad.

I hope it can be that for him.

So I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons.

And maybe we'll never know most of them.

But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from,

we can still choose where we go from there.

We can still do things.

And we can try to feel okay about them...

I remembered this one time that I never told anyone about.

The time we were walking. Just the three of us.

And I was in the middle.

I don’t remember where and I don't remember when.

I don't even remember the season.

I just remember walking between them and feeling for the first time that

I belonged somewhere.

-QUOTES FROM PERKS OF BEING A WALLFLOWER BY STEPHEN CHBOSKY

But because things change.

And friends leave.

And life doesn’t stop for anybody.

"There's always world enough and time." -Audrey Niffenegger

"Clare, I want to tell you, again, I love you. Our love has been the thread through the labyrinth, the net under the high-wire walker, the only real thing in this strange life of mine that I could ever trust. Tonight I feel that my love for you has more density in this world than I do, myself: as though it could linger on after me and surround you, keep you, hold you."

Henry DeTamble

'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"
You're gonna leave 'em falling awe-awe-awe

You don't have to feel like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow

Maybe your reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will glow
And when it's time, you'll know

-Katy Perry Firework

One year ago from December 4th I spent 4 days with 6 strangers.

I spent time in three different houses in two different countries,

and flew on 5 different planes. Nothing could change me as much

as that experience did. Most of the time I had no idea where I was in

location and when I was going or coming back. I had control over nothing

about that experience at all. My first attempt at literally flying solo into the

unknown...I survived. I need to remember those four days and refer

to this experience to reference future bravery.

"A girl who may not know what she wants right now, and she may not know who she is right now, but who deserves the chance to find out." -Jodi Picoult

"Let me tell you this:

if you meet a loner,

no matter what they tell you,

it's not because they enjoy solitude.

It's because they have tried to blend into the world before,

and people continue to

disappoint them."

-Jodi Picoult

I hope it's not too cliché to borrow some quotes from Eat. Pray. Love.

I spent a lot of time this weekend learning about myself.

Its always hard to look at yourself honestly and evaluate fears and weaknesses.

I am always surprised by how much I actually need people sometimes.

I am so very much still in a learning process and a discovery process about life.

Maybe it will get easier, maybe it will get harder...only time will tell.

Trying to be brave.

"Happiness is the consequence of personal effort.

You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it.

You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings.

And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it.

You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it."

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet,

because they tear down your walls and smack you awake.

But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful.

Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

-Elizabeth Gilbert

Oliver Twist

Whatever I have tried to do in life, I have tried with all my heart to do it well; whatever I have devoted myself to, I have devoted myself completely; in great aims and in small I have always thoroughly been in earnest.

-Charles Dickens

"I was screaming long live all the magic we made and bring on all the pretenders, I'm not afraid. Singing long live all the mountains we moved...

...I had the time of my life fighting dragons with you."

"What do you do? You laugh. I'm not saying I don't cry, but in between, I laugh. And I realize how silly it is to take anything too seriously. Plus, I look forward to a good cry. It feels pretty good..."

-Natalie Portman, Garden State

When you just need someone to remind you that it's all gonna be ok...

Where is this love? I cant see it, I cant touch it. I cant feel it. I can hear it. I can hear some words but I cant do anything with your easy words.

"Oh, as if you had no choice?

There's a moment, there's always a moment,

"I can do this, I can give into this, or I can resist it",

and I don't know when your moment was,

but I bet you there was one..."

Can you lose something if you never really had it to begin with?

Can you desire something that you detest?

Can you long for something without hope?

Can you love something that never existed?

ALL I SEE IS BLACK AND WHITE.

"When your worries, they won't let you sleep, and rob you of your days. And you've looked in all directions but you still can't find your way..."

When you just need someone to remind you that it's all gonna be ok, I will shine the light. I will shine the light.

-Shine the Light SUGARLAND

You and I walk a fragile line

I have known it all this time

But I never thought I'd live to see it break

It's getting dark

And it's all too quiet

And I can't trust anything now

And it's coming over you

Like it's all a big mistake

Oh holding my breath

Won't lose you again

Something's made your

Eyes go cold

Come on, come on

Don't leave me like this

I thought I had you figured out

Something's gone terribly wrong

You're all I wanted

Come on, come on

Don't leave me like this

I thought I had you figured out

Can't breathe whenever your gone

Can't turn back

Now I'm haunted

Stood there and watched you walk away

From everything we had

But I still mean every word I said

To you

-HAUNTED TAYLOR SWIFT (Speak Now)

I wonder how people fall in love. How they find that person they realize is the last piece to their missing puzzle...what does it take for someone to realize that every second of every day is incomplete without the sharing and partnership that soulmate-ship brings about? What does it take to lose yourself temporary as an individual to dedicate yourself to half of a whole? Why is partnership so emphasized in society...? What is it about being a solo individual that is so unappealing? Do we lack the ability to take care of ourselves enough to provide lifelong happiness for ourselves? Is it more about finding someone that makes breathing easier, laughter more frequent, and anxiety soothed? Does someone who lacks the ability to commit have a shot at making the ultimate commitment? How long does it take to fall in love...can it happen in a second? Does true love really last forever or can it die with change? Will you know this kind of endless eternal self-sacrificing love when you find it?

“The bravest are surely those who have the clearest vision of what is before them,

glory and danger alike,

and yet notwithstanding, go out to meet it.”

"Chaos is more freedom; in fact, total freedom. But no meaning. I want to be free to act, and I also want my actions to mean something" A. Niffenegger

“The self-confidence of the warrior is not the self-confidence of the average man. The average man seeks certainty in the eyes of the onlooker and calls that self-confidence. The warrior seeks impeccability in his own eyes and calls that humbleness. The average man is hooked to his fellow men, while the warrior is hooked only to infinity.”

-Carlos Castaneda

in·fi·nite

 [in-fuh-nit]

–adjective

1.

immeasurably great: an infinite capacity for forgiveness.

2.

indefinitely or exceedingly great: infinite sums of money.

3.

unlimited or unmeasurable in extent of space, duration oftime, etc.: the infinite nature of outer space.

4.

unbounded or unlimited; boundless; endless: God's infinitemercy.

"Say goodbye to my heart tonight. Here we are again-I feel the chemicals kickin' in. It's getting heavy and I wanna run and hide."

I've recently had this feeling like I am in the middle of experiencing both a beginning and an ending.

I find that in all this excitement to take forward steps,

I've looked behind me to see all the progress I made,

but I didn't look at all the things I was leaving behind.

I have been so desperate and successful at making changes quickly I realize now that I have moved closer to what is to come and farther from what was.

I no longer feel uncertain about many things I felt uncertain about before, but rather I feel extremely certain about things I couldn't even imagine before.

It's leaving me feeling like I'm floating around in an in-between space again. Not quite here fully, and not quite there fully. Not quite anywhere.

I have one foot in the past and one in the present.

I have a feeling November is about to teach me more about personal strength and dedication then anything I've learned thus far.

In love with September,

grateful for October,

anxious for November,

Excited for December.

I remember one morning getting up at dawn, there was such a sense of possibility.

You know, that feeling?

And I remember thinking to myself:

So, this is the beginning of happiness.

This is where it starts.

And of course there will always be more.

It never occurred to me it wasn't the beginning.

It was happiness.

It was the moment.

Right then.

-The Hours (2002) Meryl Streep

"To look life in the face, always, to look life in the face
and to know it for what it is.

At last to know it, to love it for what it is,

and then, to put it away."

-Virginia Woolf

I can only note that

the past is beautiful

because one never realises an emotion at the time.

It expands later,

and thus we don't have complete emotions about the present,

only about the past.

-Virginia Woolf