"So far as I know we did not set sail to look for things useful but to seek honor and adventure. And here is as great an adventure as ever I heard of, and here, if we turn back, no tittle impeachment of all our honors."

On Christmas Eve, many years ago I lay quietly in my bed. I did not rustle the sheets. I breathed slowly and silently. I was listening for a sound I was afraid I’d never hear...

Sometimes seeing is believing. And sometimes the most real things in the world are the things we can’t see.

POLAR EXPRESS

Well, it's Christmas Eve already and a whole year has flown past so quickly. It's amazing how that happens in the blink of an eye months have come and gone and you realize you are standing the wake of a year full of decision making, growing, learning, experiencing. I always thought that Christmas was a magical time, probably because it's the first time I fell in love, but mainly, everyone is in this giving spirit and there is a lot of holiday cheer and family and friends reuniting. People with people, and there is nothing sweeter in life then being with people that you love, people that challenge you and people that remind you of who you are. This Christmas admittedly has crept up on me, as I have been buried in a massive pile of thoughts and new experiences. Started my search in August for life's great meaning and for my purpose and my happiness, and now it's culminated in a clash of events that have shed real light on what it means to be happy, and what it means to live life. On top of a chain of events that have pointed me in the direction I'm facing now, I realize that you have to be careful what you ask the universe for, because every now and then you get very real answers and are faced with having to truly deal with them in a really real way.

Anyways, the point is, I've dipped my toe in the pool of selfishness during this season of giving and taken a few moments lately to really prioritize myself as the most important person...and I have to admit some guilt when I say not only has it been wonderful, but there was no surviving life lately in any other way. It's interesting to really look at myself now and look at how much I've changed since last year around this time. Not only in my relationships, my actions, my habits...but my experience, the way I perceive the world, the way I communicate with other people, the integrity I carry...the attitude I have when I wake up in the morning, the way I see my life, my goals, my hopes and dreams, my deepest longings. I've fallen prey to some pretty extreme introspection and have dug deep to figure out a tentative plan for my upcoming life. I have learned a ton about trust, and following my instinct, and leaps of faith. It's been intense and it's been a journey. I know it's not over...life is a process...constantly shifting. However, I am taking a quick breather over these next few days to really let everything catch up and regroup. Its amazing how tense and stressed I've been without even realizing...I can literally feel it taking a toll on my body. Sometimes the mind can be brutal.

So upcoming days...Well today is the lovely Christmas Eve. What used to be my favorite day of the whole year. Followed by Christmas, a time of giving and receiving and relaxing and appreciating. Then we have a day of preparation...then the NYC trip has FINALLY arrived...flying out on the 27th at 10:00am to spend a lovely and excruciating 5 days alone in the BIG APPLE. This is a big deal for so many reason. Firstly, it's pushing me way out of my comfort zone...it's chance to prove all my learning has benefited me in a real way that I can handle being with myself removed from any sort of familiar context. Secondly, its a chance to really digest life as it has been and experience some new and (hopefully) life changing things in the last few days of 2010. Finally, it's a chance to seal the deal with the NYC move. To really experience the city in a full mind-blowing capacity will be very telling of upcoming MAJOR decisions I need to make about my life. I see this trip as a chance to relax and learn and recharge and grow. Hopefully it does all these things. Keeping an open mind and an adventurous spirit is essential to maximize this opportunity. 

I guess that's about it for now...I'm sure I'll be blogging again before the New Year, probably from NYC. I hope life is lovely for everyone until then. Merry Christmas. I hope the holidays are magical and life changing for you...

Song for a Winter's Night

The lamp is burnin' low upon my table top
The snow is softly fallin'
The air is still within the silence of my room
I hear your voice softly callin'

If I could only have you near
To breathe a sigh or two
I would be happy just to hold the hands I love
Upon this winter night with you

The smoke is rising in the shadows overhead
My glass is almost empty
I read again between the lines upon the page
The words of love you sent me

If I could know within my heart
That you were lonely too
I would be happy just to hold the hands I love
Upon this winter night with you

"I wonder, do we all know where we belong? And if we do, in our hearts, why do we so often do nothing about it? There must be more to this life, a purpose for us all, a place to belong. You were my home. I knew from the moment I met you..." (Beyond Borders)

Lunar Eclipse. Winter Solstice. Escapism Pt. III. Fuck, let's make this happen. Transformation.

If you are always setting your focus on the horizon and what is ahead, you will miss the little moments of beauty that happen in the details of what is right in front of your face.

“Traveling is a brutality. It forces you to trust strangers and to lose sight of all that familiar comfort of home and friends. You are constantly off balance. Nothing is yours except the essential things – air, sleep, dreams, the sea, the sky – all things tending towards the eternal or what we imagine of it.” 

– Cesare Pavese

“Adventure is a path. Real adventure – self-determined, self-motivated, often risky – forces you to have firsthand encounters with the world. The world the way it is, not the way you imagine it. Your body will collide with the earth and you will bear witness. In this way you will be compelled to grapple with the limitless kindness and bottomless cruelty of humankind – and perhaps realize that you yourself are capable of both. This will change you. Nothing will ever again be black-and-white.” 

– Mark Jenkins

Now I’ve had the time of my life
No I never felt like this before
Yes, I swear it’s the truth
And I owe it all to you
‘Cause I’ve had the time of my life
And I owe it all to you…
I’ve been waiting for so long.
Now I’ve finally found someone
To stand by me

Black Eyed Peas

"When your family calls, you make nice to them all and assure them you're fine, you're great. Then you cry in the bath, cry so hard that you laugh, then watch television till late. Who do you need? Nobody."

This is brilliance...read this if you want.

It would be so much worse not having you...I just want you know.

I still count my blessings every morning.

Oh, and you are loved
Are loved

Little Miss Brand New StartLittle Miss Do Your Part
Little Miss Big Ol' Heart Beats Wide Open
She's ready now for love

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
Well, SOMETIMES YOU GOTTA LOSE TIL YOU WIN
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
It'll be alright again

It'll be alright again, I'm okay
It'll be alright again, I'm okay
It'll be alright again, I'm okay

It'll be alright again

LITTLE MISS. SUGARLAND.

An INCREDIBLE MACHINE: You say your heart is broken, but if you can feel the pain from the breaking then trust me...your heart is working just fine. My heart is fine, it's my spirit that's fucking broken...

Space Bubble

Explanation: It could only happen in space: A tiny bubble of air hangs suspended inside a droplet of water. The droplet rests in the cup of a delicate green leaf, yet the stalk doesn't bend at all.

Cosmonaut Nikolai Budarin photographed this scene on April 9, 2003. He was peering into the Russian Lada greenhouse onboard the International Space Station (ISS), and his snapshot illustrates some of the strange physics of gardening in space.

So it’s a good time to say goodbye 

It’s a good time to let it lie 

Been stumbling around in the dark 

Oh I’ve had a change of heart (!!!!) 

I thought you wanted a sad one 

But you wouldn’t have NONE

It’s time to let the light in 

I was AFRAID

I was AFRAID (!!!!!!)

I’m done with those days 

And it’s time to let the light in 

-Let the Light In (Amy Cook)

That tiny bubble of air, trapped...suspending...drowning in the bigger droplet of water...

Resting on a delicate stalk, but yet it does not bend,.

I am in space.

It's really difficult to control your feelings.

Its impossible to control the things you cannot explain.

Change is inevitable and looming precariously ahead.

This is not the time to fall apart. 

I learned to live half alive, and now you want me one more time. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

"I had the craziest dream last night about a girl who has turned into a swan, but her prince falls for the wrong girl and she kills herself..."  (Natalie Portman)

Black Swan 

I HAVE A CONFESSION TO MAKE. 

I NEARLY BROKE DOWN. I NEARLY LOST MY GRIP. I NEARLY PANICKED. I NEARLY GAVE UP.

I HAVE BEEN WOBBLING BACK AND FORTH...BETWEEN SANITY AND INSANITY.

I HAVE BEEN OVERWHELMED, OVERSTRESSED, OVERANXIOUS. OVER EVERYTHING.

ITS AMAZING THE THINGS THAT CAN BRING YOU BACK...

LAUGHTER. CONVERSATIONS. SMILES. GENTLE ADVICE.

FUCK. SO. GOOD. TO KNOW. I HAVE SOMEONE. ON MY SIDE.

STILL FEEL ALONE.

BUT NOW I HAVE HOPE...

THANKFUL FOR THAT.

And it took so long just to feel alright.

Remember how to put back the light in my eyes?

I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed,

Cause you broke all your promises,

And now you’re back.

You don’t get to get me back.

And who do you think you are?

Running around leaving scars,

Collecting your jar of hearts,

And tearing love apart.

You’re gonna catch a cold,

From the ice inside your soul.

So don’t come back for me,

Don't come back at all.

-Jar Of Hearts (Christina Perri)

"I like the way you’re not afraid. You got the world planned in your mind. People say you cannot do, well they don’t know..."

Happiness

Sitting here, on this lonely dock 
Watch the rain play on the ocean top 
All the things I feel I need to say 
I can't explain in any other way 

I'd Rather Be With You (Joshua Radin)

"Distance is not for the fearful, it is for the bold. It's for those who are willing to spend a lot of time alone in exchange for a little time with the one they love. It's for those knowing a good thing when they see it, even if they don't see it nearly enough..."

You know it's worth it, when you have to fight to keep it.

NEW YORK CITY PART I 12/17-12/18

NEW YORK CITY PART II 12/27-12/31

"Fire like lightening, burnin' up the night. A smoke horizon-won't give up the fight..."

I prefer simply to just know all the answers.

There is a reassuring safety in predictability.

It's the not knowing...

It's. So. Fucking. Hard.

But then again...

"If you know what you're looking for, than you know exactly what you will find..."

Can't have it both ways.

“If somebody likes me, I want them to like the real me, not what they think I am. And I don’t want them to carry it around inside. I want them to show me, so I can feel it, too.”

“I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we’ll never know most of them. But even if we don’t have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them.” 

-Perks.

I'll be the why to your because...
Because..

I am not perfect.
But

I know I'm worth it.
And

I gotta believe,

 there has to be a you
For every girl like me.

"Every Girl Like Me" (Sugarland)

Terrified.  

This is how I see the world...this is how I see nature...expressing in a simplistic way the most beautiful versions of human emotion...

Because one tree didn't think it could be alone... 

"It's So lonely when you don't even know yourself..." -Unknown

"Loneliness add beauty to life. It puts a special burn on sunsets and makes the night air smell better"

 -Henry Rollins

LANGUAGE...HAS CREATED THE WORD "LONELINESS" TO EXPRESS THE PAIN OF BEING ALONE. AND IT HAS CREATED THE WORD "SOLITUDE" TO EXPRESS THE GLORY OF BEING ALONE." -PAUL TILLICH

Tall enough to touch the sun...

"Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth" -Buddha

"You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain." 

-Jim Morrison

In order to get a better perspective...everything is smaller then it looks, just depends on your view...

"Reality is a question of perspective; the further you get from the past, the more concrete and plausible it seems-but as you approach the present, it inevitably seems incredible." -Salman Rushdie 

Expectant of greater things,
We try climbing -
Higher
And Higher;
An effort that costs us much,
Leaving us short of breath
To find only
The ground below is much prettier.
~Phillip Pulfrey, "Mountains"

"A heart that beats, an Incredible Machine. Made of blood and love and hope and lust and steam... Calling, calling, calling."

Whenever I fly alone, which for some reason I have done a lot lately, I find my brain drifting into overdrive and stumbling over a long chain of endless thoughts...It's something about being removed from the earth's surface where you really do feel mentally detached as well as physically removed from your day to day life. Of course today was no exception...Lots of things to process with life lately...and although I had one specific major thought on my mind today, as I do most days,  I let the music from the Ipod blast and my brain go...

And let me tell you: this song was rocking my world...simple. short. relevant. honest. inspiring.

An Incredible Machine.

 

Feels like I'm flying,
Wings made of light
Brand new and shining
Like a shot rung out through the night

Feels like i'm floating
Weightless in flight
Planets exploding as the soul and gravity fight

Lifted higher mercury skies above
Calling, water fire burning a sign of love

 Incredible Machine -Sugarland

Photos from  2a, Denver CO-Chicago IL, 12/5/10

“You don't have to be a "person of influence" to be influential. In fact, the most influential people in my life are probably not even aware of the things they've taught me.”

"Without the night, the day cannot exist on its own. It is night that prepares you for the day, it is night that rejuvenates you, gives you energy back."

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet,

because they tear down your walls and smack you awake.

But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful.

Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

-Elizabeth Gilbert (From blog 11/7)

The most functional relationship I can think of between two existing forces is the sun and the moon. Two forces, beings of energy, constantly intertwined in a perfect rhythm of harmonious existence. It makes me think of soul mates. Recently I have settled on the idea that soul mates definitely exist (of course I have always believed this) but true soul mates can never coexist. (refer to above quote) This whole idea that true love, true passion, true connection can only occur in the absence of physical presence because that type of love, the soul mate love, is something that defies time and space. Soul mates are soul mates because of the connection but moreso what makes someone your soul mate is the fact that they have shown you more about yourself then anyone else ever could. Therefore making the sun and moon true soul mates. Night cannot be without the day, they are two equal parts to one bigger union (time) but they can never exist simultaneously...

On a separate but related topic let's throw superheros into the mix. A stereotypical hero fits a few different qualifications. Firstly, they live a double life. They have a side of themselves that is kept "hidden" from their normal everyday functioning. Secondly, there is some form of "sacrifice" made in order to assist the "greater picture" in a battle for good vs. evil. Thirdly, there is some tragedy in that individuals past (usually something related to family) that isolates them to the point where they feel unable to maintain normal relationships...

Soul mates and super heroes aren't so different. They are just like the sun and the moon. This epic duality of conflicting forces that when synced and functioning in opposition create this perfect harmony. Mind boggling. Look deeper into any character study of any of the classic super heroes and you will find an individual who struggles with sacrifice, isolation, connection, influence, "ultimate choices," responsibility, the desire to feel like they belong while knowing they will never be able to have the normalcy they are fighting to maintain for others. It's tragic, but it's amazingly profound. How is this different then someone who has found their soul mate (by my definition)...well really it's quite similar. Finding your soul mate is like accepting your super hero status. You realize that you have a responsibility to a greater force then yourself (love). But this is only proven without a doubt by sacrifice (separation). Therefore you must feel isolation before you can appreciate connection. Yet your soul mate has the ability to bring out a part of you that no one else can (influence). And there is this deep longing desire to belong to another person while knowing that your soul mate will only balance you in their absence. Again tragic, but amazingly proud.

Another interesting thing to note about super heroes and soul mates is how this relates to time and physical space. Using super heroes as a metaphor for sacrifice and soul mates as a metaphor for love...these are ideas that cannot be measured in any physical way. There is no set specific definition, no way to contain it in a way we can understand. They are endless, boundless, and infinite. Yet, for being such complicated topics, it's something that is so basic to our human nature. It's the driving force...and related to so many other things...passion, longing, tragedy, dedication, loyalty. It's universal to all people and forces of nature.

I'll leave you with this...can you find ultimate love without making ultimate sacrifice? Is it possible to find harmony in separation? Or is the most impossibly perfect soul mate someone who lives a double life as a super hero? 

If I am the Moon, where is my Sun? 

"Some people feel like they don't deserve love. They walk away quietly into empty spaces, trying to close the gaps of the past." — Chris McCandless

This is what I wonder: Perhaps, having faith in the unknown, really trusting in something you cannot know for certain, is not only accepting there there may not be any answers, but ultimately to stop searching for them....

"...the sea's only gifts are harsh blows and, occasionally, the chance to feel strong. Now, I don't know much about the sea, but I do know that that's the way it is here. And I also know how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong but to feel strong, to measure yourself at least once, to find yourself at least once in the most ancient of human conditions, facing blind, deaf stone alone, with nothing to help you but your own hands and your own head..."

— Bear Meat by Primo Levi

"When a young person is moved by a passion and feels compelled to go on this sort of quest, I think you have to let him. You can't stop him. In our culture we don't have formal rights of passage like in some ancient cultures. Subjecting yourself to risk... may be something you have to go through to be a man or a woman."

-Jon Krakauer

"Sometimes my need to love hurts-- myself, my family, my cause. Is there a cure? Of course. But I refuse. Refuse to stop loving, to stop caring. To avoid those tears, that pain...To err on the side of passion is human and right and the only way I'll live." (Jon Krakauer)

The harder the search the greater the disconnect.