“Besides which, she would never understand me because I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till I drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion.” -Jack Kerouac

For Sal and Dean and all you did for me....

"The boys were sleeping, and I was alone in my eternity at the wheel, and the road ran straight as an arrow. Not like driving across Carolina, or Texas, or Arizona, or Illinois; but like driving across the world and into the places where we would finally learn ourselves..."

...Let yourself remember the times you felt invincible, and never forget the streets that you conquered. Dance all the time. Love the most. Respect the balance. Treat others fairly. Don't be discouraged. There are many more bridges ahead.
So love fearlessly, hope sincerely, and have patience.

Paradise.

The love we accept is the love we think we deserve...

is that really the truth?

I met you long ago and I knew that you were the kind of person I've always wanted to know.

The hypotheticals of life over smooth jazz and coffee,

long anxious conversations about choices and the future.

I told you the road was my home, the west is the best,

and you laughed in a way I knew you understood.

In a quiet place at a different time, in another life-

I know I had known you forever.

King of the road, master of adventure you embodied the wanderlust,

and I envied you a little bit, 

your easy ways of staying the calm collected self.

I told you tales of my adventures and your wisdom added perspective.

Somehow everything made sense like it never has before.

And now, in this time and place, I realize simply that long ago is just a phrase...

it sits on a dusty self, just out of reach and taunting me as I go about things.

Second chances are past and all that's left is the nitty gritty present of my existence.

And I add tiny sticks to keep the fire of hope alive.

Because great adventures live on through anything.

They defy time and space and past and future.

I know in another life time, we will sit down again.

I will see the spark in your eyes,

and know that you are the one that really understands.

And we will share our stories.

And everything will be as it's meant to be.

And you'll remind me that everything matters,

and you'll show me the love that I think I deserve.

“The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.”

That moment when you just knew,

that everything was the way it was meant to be.

Your soul mate, your best friend...

the person you crave the instant you wake in the morning,

and the person you miss if they are absent from your sleep.

To inspire,

to receive love, and to give love away...

endless, boundless, untouchable.

Its more then a look or a simple embrace,

it's the most unexplained perfection.

Forever and always...

"its one of those days when you wake up and feel lost in a world that doesn't belong to you. And you start searching for something or someone to feel that you mean something but you get even more lost. Yes, today is one of those days..."

Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave?
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall
But watching you stand alone?
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehowOne step closer
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand moreTime stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this...

i don't know how i got to where i am.

i don't know how i will go on from here.

i know where i have been is the most beautiful place.

i know that how i traveled has not been easy.

what will become of what has been?

what will be created out of what is left?

I  never forgot you along the way,

so proud of where I got too...feeling this mix of belonging and  un-belonging.

I have become a stranger to myself in a life I cannot recognize,

because the landscapes of my surroundings are ever changing , transforming.

Beauty is the most evident thing.

Life can be so damn beautiful.

Am i am observer or a participant?

Feeling like there is something i'm actively doing,

but feeling a victim of my own actions.

Here i am in a place i wished for,

every place i've ever wished has come to me,

surrounded me and welcomed me as  an object on the most beautiful landscape.

In fact, everything I've ever truly wanted...i've gotten.

I've shouldered the burdens along the way, setting goals and reaching higher each time.

Desires masked by successes, never more then i can handle.

So here i am... 9 months and 2 days longer...

but don't worry i didn't forget you.

you used to be in every thought, in every moment, in every sound, and every story.

i held you close, then shared you  with few, then held you close again.

and now i quietly acknowledge you as i go upon the living i am in.

And i saw love ... real true love.

And it was so beautiful.

mirroring the most brilliant sunset on the quietest beach above the most mysterious waves.

The feeling that the most perfect moment is happening,

and you feel glad and you feel hopeful.

I'm so thankful for the people who i hold close,

without whom my purpose would be lost.

Each new life, and new start to life has reminded me that i reached higher...

the sacrifice, compromise, the suitcases.

walking away from my dreams and into someone else's to gain a better perspective on the important things in life.

Now left at a place of pondering...

where to go from here?

what lies in store now that the events have come to fruition.

am i ready to leave behind and take the road less traveled?

shall i remain in a comfortable discomfort of what should be.

Should i remain in the footsteps of someone else's dreams?

Perhaps this is what I wanted the whole time,

to live in this lifetime ...these dreams are my own.

Confused with events of what should be and what will be.

Sometimes i can't believe how much of a gift life is.

Please please never take it fore granted.
Appreciate every moment because it's the most undeserved blessing.

keep yourself accountable to the world, but don't let the world own you.

realize that love has so many different faces and so many different forms.

seek out opportunities to create a better version of self.

pay homage to the beauty that is all around.

cause wherever you are going, whatever is next to come...

this is what is important

and it all matters.

I know that it's unclear now what should be,

but then again, it's never been a clear path way.

You're different then they are and you have always been that way,

but don't use that as an excuse to isolate and morph into a creature of indecision.

Embrace the love that is given to you,

and give love away...

freely and selflessly... give love away.

remain in perspective and don't get antsy for the things to come.

appreciate the moment you are in.

learn about yourself.

when it's time to reach higher,

be brave.

don't let fear and stupidity keep you from doing the right thing.

keep hope that that time will come again.

remain encouraged.

and love.

And you're perfect the way you are. I think you're perfect. And I'm truly sorry for not showing this before. But these are my scars, and I wear them proudly. This is just the center, the core, of all the layers which makes up me. And I'm proud of them. -6.13.2012

“Love what you have. Need what you want. Accept what you receive. Give what you can. Always remember, what goes around, comes around…” 

Life is a series of pulls back and forth. You want to do one thing, but you are bound to do something else. Something hurts you, yet you know it shouldn’t. You take certain things for granted, even when you know you should never take anything for granted. “A tension of opposites, like a pull on a rubber band. And most of us live somewhere in the middle.

“What I need is the dandelion in the spring. The bright yellow that means rebirth instead of destruction. The promise that life can go on, no matter how bad our losses. That it can be good again.” 

I often find myself here thinking
About the birds, the boats, and past loves that flew away or started sinking
And it's crazy here without you
I used to think this all was ours
We'd stay up late, debate on how we'd find our way
Say it's all up in the stars

I've found that with the settling process in full development the  time has come to a slow halt.

The part of me that longs for the freedom and adventure of the unknown has quieted.

The evolution of the  manic runaway has evolved and recreated itself,

began to embrace the consistencies, join in the  routines and time tables the general operate by.

And days mirror days and hours mirror hours,

but all of a sudden, for no particular reason, that's become okay.

I wonder if it's the process of growing older...and I told you this would happen.

I would hate to warn you that childlike dreams have  morphed into practicalities.

But it's not so mundane,

not what I thought it'd be.

The truth is that it becomes a whole new adventure,.

For example, i mean it in this way-

you must create a familiar to begin to appreciate the consistencies.

Everything in-between what is-predictability and complete unknown is just the transformation process.

I didn't know this, because I hadn't created a familiar for myself.

But it's important to note, there are still learning opportunities.

I'm stretching myself in new ways-learning new situations, creating new relationships....

still transformation-even though my scenery has not changed.

Little things inspires....the appreciation for the quiet Sunday afternoons,

the beauty of a rainstorm from the porch, 

the way my things begin to really feel like things...

it's in this way that i have created a sense of home and belonging.

Don't be fooled though, 

because this is where people begin to fall into the traps of time.

The perspective becomes petrified over time and warped into a twisted version of what is true.

Your idealism is replaced with cynicism,

and you gain a small minded narcissistic view on the rest of the world.

But by applying the experiences and places and giving the attention to...

things that should be appreciated,

things that were hard you overcame,

things that created a new thought,

things that challenged your person,

things that amazed you,

things that are a part of who you are as a person...

then you'll remember all the things you never want to forget.

Just because that "itch" to flee by boat, train, on foot, in the air dissipates,

it will remain on the back burner until the time is right.

Timing is everything really.

But i'm constantly remembering that it all matters.

I can feel myself transforming each day...sometimes i'm not sure what it is,

but i feel it-in the way that i think and feel .

I see it-in the way i act and the things I say...

character building that creates opportunity to live with integrity.

Bringing attention to the beauty-which doesn't stand out like a sunset on the ocean,

a Manhattan skyline,

a plane ride at dusk,..

but it's a quieter beauty-that really takes attention.

You have to stop and really open your eyes to see how it is.

June is here...and not only have I matched my record but i'm flying past it by quite a bit.

I never thought it would feel like this...

but really I do feel a sense of happiness.

I urgently encourage you to take the time to self-reflect and remember this person,

remember this version of self.

Remember how it felt to be independent even if you had to trade total freedom.

Remember to stop and see the quiet beauty,

remember to continue to set goals and push yourself,

to avoid the complacency and to keep perspective.

This is a small slice of life on a small blip on the radar on a small map.

That greatness is an action not a result.

Appreciation of progress is half the battle.

And of course love,

I don't know how I feel about love,

and I'm not sure if ill every understand.

I'm trying to open myself to newness and give ...

to not get back but just to give.

It's not the easiest, because opening doors and loving blindly can lead to unknown,

but then again-i've handled the unknown before....

and been just fine.

  

"You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about.”

"He had one of those rare smiles with a quality of eternal reassurance in it, that you may come across four or five times in life. It faced, or seemed to face, the whole external world for an instant and then concentrated on you with an irresistible prejudice in your favor. It understood you just as far as you wanted to be understood, believed in you as you would like to believe in yourself."

“In this world, it is too common for people to search for someone to lose themselves in. But I am already lost. I will look for someone to find myself in.”

Chicago

Manhattan

San Francisco

Boston

"It eluded us then, but that's no matter--tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther.... And one fine morning-- So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past."

For the things to never be left unsaid, and things to remain the way they are supposed to be:

Dear Friend, you'been such a blissful companion in the time that we've shared,

never a moment of reality sinking in, with fairy tale coincidences...

enough to wonder what I did to deserve such a chance encounter.

Yet time passes and people grow far and farther with distance and we are yet again at a crossroad.

But endless gratitude for the many conversations we shared,

the secrets we've exchanged, the honest words that we crossed.

Simple messages, quiet acknowledgements...

It's you and you alone that have carried me through the darkest of days

and it's your voice that I can hear the loudest cheering and celebrating from the sidelines.

Gifts of unconditional friendship, a relationship that came about at the time when it matter the most,

but then again-I guess it all matters.

And in so many ways I wish it could have been different, but then it would have been ruined.

Keeping yourself two steps away from the perfect scenario creates a beautiful transformation.

When it first began, it was seed planted and it grew into something amazing.

No one shared the connection we did-a telepathy of the deepest most vulnerable friendship.

Sometimes the only person I ever had on my side,

sometimes the only person I ever wanted on my side.

But we did not withstand the storm that uprooted us,

and looking back on it all now-it's never been the same.

Gratitude remains for the lessons learned,

the thickening of skin,

the opening of barriers,

you brought me into a part of myself that no one else could.

You drifted into my world as quietly as the snow that was falling.

Through it all you saw something about me instantly, that I had just learned about myself.

It was the beginning of a new hope and new enthusiasm for the way things could be.

Your smile and your look reminded me that I could be appreciated for the honest version.

You asked questions when no one else did,

and you trusted me with everything.

And i want to tell you that sometimes just allowing someone else to see you vulnerable speaks louder.

You showed me how to maintain relationships , even when you yourself were broken.

Also-I wanted to tell you all that life is funny sometimes,

the way it works in repeat patterns.

Unbelievable things have happened-and I sit and think and think,

and try to fit the puzzle pieces together,

track the patters and motions ,

the ups and downs of every action...

Like a mad scientist-analyzing and over analyzing the whys and the whats and the whens and the wheres.

I've  seem people that have come and gone,

some stay for a while,  others quickly pass through.

Thirsty for the knowledge, I drink as much of your wisdom as I can before you are gone.

Try to hang onto every single work, every single look ,

trying relentlessly to gather whatever materials I can to make a better of version of self.

But when you are gone...and you will leave...amazing things begin to happen.

 Things you wouldn't believe because I don't believe them and it's me they've happened too.

Some day I want to write it all down, in a coherent manner-

so you can know that things that I have been through.

So you can see  every coincidence and serendipitous moment documented in the way I know them to be true.

And yes, sometimes it's really a heavy burden to carry-

and there are times when I cannot bear it.

But then the transformation happens,

the growth and evolution of the trials sprout into something amazing.

The beauty of trying to be better version of self,

enduring the struggles,

allowing the relationships to come and go,

drifting like a runaway in the night,

and I realize that it's all going to be fine.

In fact, it's you that have shown this to me.

The way you keep pace of how time passes by,

the gentle observations you make,

the care you take when dealing with the changes.

Even when I feel the most shocked by all the things I know,

even when the most  unbelievable loop comes around again,

you always understand in a way only you could.

And it reassures me.

It reminds me to be patient and hopeful.

It allows me to proceed with courage and to be brave, even through the hard stuff.

It helps me stop and think, take a breath, appreciate beauty.

It forces me to love the way we are meant to love.

And it's because of you I know that I must continually  work at  transformation.

It's because of you I keep on trying to evolve daily into a better version of self.

And it's because of you I know it all matters.

So thank you.

Escapism Pt. VII

It's too heavy. The heaviest to carry. All i want... all I've ever wanted is freedom.

“Things are never as they seem. A person. A Mark. A statement. They are always deeper than we perceive, like walking in the ocean and suddenly dipping under the surface because the bottom has disappeared beneath your feet. The water appears shallow until you are suddenly flailing around beneath the surface, desperately searching for stable ground once again.”                                                         

"Your time is limited, don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma, which is living the result of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinion drowned your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition, they somehow already know what you truly want to become."

“Honesty is more than not lying. It is truth telling, truth speaking, truth living, and truth loving.”

Integrity

It was a beautiful let down 
When you found me here
Yeah for once in a rare blue moon I see everything clear
I'll be a beautiful let down
That's what I'll forever be

Switchfoot

Finding the Beauty

"There is no satisfaction that can compare with looking back across the years and finding you've grown in self-control, judgment, generosity, and unselfishness."

Self Reflection

“Live, travel, adventure, bless, and don't be sorry.” 

― Jack Kerouac

Live Passionately

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return."

Love

You wanna know all the secrets?

Well it's really a lot more simple then one would think,

so that this is on the record and will live on after me.

But really its amazing how living by the five pillars,

 of my own creation,

has ultimately changed me...

has shaped the events in my life...

has created opportunities and taught lessons.

So here they are, 

1.integrity

2. finding the beauty

3. self-reflection

4. passionate living

5. love

My whole life philosophy laid out in a list.

Integrity

This encompasses honesty,

be honest with yourself firstly,  secondly-be honest with others.

Have a tactful honesty where you speak your mind,

but show empathy and compassion to others.

Let the way you live, your actions, be a mirror of how you feel and think.

Don't pass judgement, and if you do, realize that judgement will also be passed on you.

Serve others with the same respect and dignity that you treat yourself.

Follow through with things you commit to, be a reliable person.

People will value you for having integrity,

but more important you will value yourself. 

Be consistent with what you say and do,

take the high road, be the bigger person.

When you make mistakes, and you will  make mistakes, own up to them.

Be the one who is slowest to anger,

be one that listens when spoken too.

Lead by example and action, not by preaching words.

This is integrity.

Find the Beauty

This is the less obvious pillar, but as essential as all the others.

It will lead to the greatest happiness,

will keep your perspective in tact,

will keep your personality humble,

will keep you seeing a glass half full.

Find the beauty...in everything.

Find beauty in the natural world, 

from the smallest most obvious detail to the brightest most dazzling event.

The world we live in is beautiful, and we should recognize it's beauty.

Find beauty in people.

Find the beauty in strangers, 

find the beauty in simple interactions,

find beauty in the hard stuff...

it's always there -sometimes you just have to choose to see it.

And once you find the beauty in person, place,thing, event, or whatever-

make sure you appreciate it.

Because that is our right as human beings with functioning brains.

To be able to find beauty in the sounds of music, 

the quieter moments,

the way the sunset looks,

the smile on their faces...

and appreciate it,

because this is important.

Find the Beauty.

Self Reflection

I'm a huge believer in better version of self.

There is always something you can improve on-big or small.

Find ways to create a better version of self.

Keep learning-never be satisfied with "what is"

Work on being a better spouse, sibling, friend, co-worker, whatever...

Work on finding new opportunities to challenge yourself...

work on learning new  hobbies that bring life experience...

set goals,

push yourself.

You'll find such a strong sense of self-confidence being able to achieve something you didn't know you could.

It's good live in a way that keeps you working at improvement,

you will never know how to be a better version of self if you do not stop and think about it.

Think about all the time you spend thinking of other things and other people,

don't you think you deserve to pay some of that attention to yourself?

You'll find that maybe you don't know yourself as well as you think,

because chances are you're not listening to your inner voice.

So by taking the time to listen to yourself,

learn about yourself, 

you'll understand how to create the better version of self.

You'll surprise yourself in amazing ways,

and keep from regrets and disappointments.

Be patient though, these things take time.

Passionate Living

Ahhhh the second most important pillar-

that is really built up of the other three: integrity, beauty, better version of self.

Live passionately,

don't fall into the traps of complacency ,

don't let society make your decisions for you,

don't settle.

Be passionate about what you are doing,

whether your are happy or not.

Happiness is different then passion.

Passion is the energy and self-induced  attitude,

happiness is a result, a feeling.

Be brave, take those risks that make the better version of self.

Be patient, slow down enough to see the beauty.

Lead by example, live in a way that shows integrity.

Often times we are afraid to stand out, do things differently then others-

but don't live with fear.

Live with passion.

Be passionate even when you make mistakes,

be passionate even when you are afraid,

be passionate even when everyone else is doing something different.

Once you gain that better understanding of self,

you will see there is nothing to be afraid of.

Life is a learning process,

we cant learn if we don't take the risks involved.

You will miss out on so many adventures if you live without passion.

And believe me-you don't want to miss out.

The adventures are what makes life so much fun.

And finally...

Love.

I understand some aspects of love,

and some aspects of love I don't understand,

and maybe I never will,

but I'm going to try.

Because you cannot live with integrity, find beauty, love yourself, and live passionately if you ignore love.

Love can be expressed in so many ways,

really there is no way to live without love in your life.

Love yourself, love others, love your surrounding.

Fight your hardest to keep love once you find it,

fight your hardest to show others love when you have the chance.

You may get it back you may not,

but that is the whole point-love is not a give and take .

Rather love is just give.

It's selfless and pure and perfect.

So love hard ,

no matter what.

I told you it was simple...