"Let's dance in style, lets dance for a while... Heaven can wait we're only watching the skies!!!! Hoping for the best but expecting the worst Are you going to drop the bomb or not? Let us die young or let us live forever, We don't have the power but we never say never..."

"Oh, no. To live... to live would be an awfully big adventure."
-Robin Williams at Peter Pan (Hook)


Forever young, I want to be forever young Do you really want to live forever

FEAR IS A FRIEND WHO'S MISUNDERSTOOD.

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

You know it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing

I learned the hard way that they all say
Things you wanna hear
My heavy heart sinks deep down under
You and your twisted words
Your help just hurts
You are not what I thought you were
Hello to high and dry

Love Song Sara Bareilles

Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You'd better know that in the end
Its better to say too much
Than never to say what you need to say again
Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open

Say John Mayer

You might have to close your eyes
And slowly open wide (all this beauty)
And watch the sun rise. 

Well, I'll just go ahead and admit it...I have been hardcore major funking lately.

 I can't seem to figure out exactly what's going on with me, so mine as well blog about it right?

I have been thinking a lot about time...how it progresses, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years...

If you ever need to put something into perspective look back and look ahead, and realize that time passes so strangely sometime...

but embrace it. People come and go and life is so short. Take advantage of every moment you have with every person,

because you just don't know when you will get it again.

Anyways, lately I have been thinking a lot about the people in my life that have come and gone,

the influence they've had on me, both positive and negative.

Another way to monitor timing is to look at all the relationships you've had and lost and gained,

at least that 's what I do.

It makes the world seem a little smaller.

That's a good thing

.

So this funk I'm in....I feel like I'm disappearing....

Which, I've been thinking a lot about why I would feel this way, and I realized 

IT'S BECAUSE I AM.

Now almost 4 months living in a new place, a big place, with lots of people, and 100% new experiences...It's totally changing me.

I'm becoming someone different, and I have to believe really I'm just turning into

a better version of myself. 

There are definitely good days and bad days, (lately more bad ones)...

but its normal and it's part of the process.

But the thing I realized is that its really delicate, because it's a completely personal experience.

My mistake is thinking I should be sharing it, but it's not something that can be shared.

I definitely don't need anyone to tell me who I am or what I am or how I feel.

I have no one expecting anything from me, and 

I FUCKING LOVE THAT...

It's total freedom and me being able to just DO ME.

But there is consequence to this also, because in order to be able to be with yourself,

you have to understand yourself. 

You have to appreciate yourself,

the good parts and the bad.

Its not a matter for me of self-esteem, I've always had a rather high one-

but I have struggled a lot with understanding myself.

It's easier to understand yourself

in relation to the people around you-the  safety net of your friends, family, co-workers...

but when you lose that net, you have to learn to understand yourself

all on it's own.

This is where I'm at.

Transformation.

Change.

It's incredible how it happens, such immovable  force of life.

Whether you want it, need it, crave it, request it, ignore it, deny it

it happens anyways.

No permission needed.

I think I  will embrace my funk, and give myself a little more leeway to transform.

I realize that I am constantly challenging myself to be better, and that's a good thing.

But i also have to let myself make mistakes,

its when we make mistakes  that we learn lessons, and change happens.

So let me be. 

Let me be me.

Leave me be.

I'm disappearing, 

but  only so I can reappear as a

better version of myself.

Let me learn.

Let me grow.

Let me make mistakes.

 Let me be sad.

Let me be lonely.

Let me celebrate myself.

Let me not be so proud.

Let me not be so uptight.

Let me live.

A beautiful strength is found in simply surviving the trials of life.