"Hello from the other side I must've called a thousand times...To tell you I'm sorry, for everything that I've done-But when I call you never seem to be home..."

Hello, how are you?
It's so typical of me to talk about myself, I'm sorry
I hope that you're well
Did you ever make it out of that town where nothing ever happened?

It's no secret
That the both of us are running out of time

To tell you I'm sorry, for breaking your heart
But it don't matter, it clearly doesn't tear you apart anymore.

"The only way to do great work is to love what you do...

Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle." -Steve Jobs

It's not easy to know
I'm not anything like I used to be
Although it's true
I was never attention's sweet center
I still remember that girl

She's imperfect but she tries
She is good but she lies
She is hard on herself
She is broken and won't ask for help
She is messy but she's kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up
And baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone but she used to be mine

I wonder if our brain has a certain kind of purgatory,

built too trap memories,

forcing you to analyze and reanalyze what things mean,

over and over again.

A lot of things have happened,

and an extremely accelerated version of life has been a reality for the last six years.

The most intense type of journey,

with new places.

There have only been a few constants that remained in the ever changing landscapes.

Common themes that have influenced various decision.

Bravery, patience, an unquenchable thirst for newness...

Most carry an strong significance,

most carry symbolism of transformation.

Certain things that fell into place,

others that help to build harder decisions.

People who have appeared and reappeared,

and people who have disappeared.

I think about the meanings of different relationships,

and the lessons learned from growing together,

and the importance of placing a naive trust in something so new.

I never understood why it began,

but really I never understood why it continued.

Memories stuck in the purgatory that is my own mind.

It is a dull feeling to have lost it.

It feels like a large piece of life is missing...

and some days pass without any reflection,

and then I wonder how you find your way into my sleep,

and appear in dreams like a ghost.

The power of imagination is an unbreakable force.

The things we create in our mind can easily slip into reality.

But be careful about these things,

because maybe it was never supposed to be that way.

Have you ever wanted something so badly,

and then all of a sudden...you have it?

You call upon the universe,

and project your subconscious so deeply,

that things start to bend to your will?

That's the unbreakable force I'm referring too.

And I wonder if such whimsical dreaming is impossible to decorate with a simple explanation.

So you just mull it over and over,

and wonder if it would have been different if you never appeared.

Wondering where you disappeared,

wondering if you made it out of that town where nothing ever happens.

I'm sorry it unfolded this way.

Thousands of scenarios,

and we have found the one that grows us in opposite directions.

Or maybe I wished it into reality.

Don't forget that strength that you had,

the endless encouragement and optimism,

from the very beginning.

I always thought I was following behind you,

but maybe you were waiting for me to figure it out first.

Some paths cross back and fourth,

making figure 8's all over life's landscape.

While other paths run parallel,

perfectly in unison,

side by side,

but never ever coming in contact with each other.

Hitting each moment at the same time,

but living separately,

each it's own experience,

each it's own journey.

It's unfair to ask you to remember it the way I remember it,

but every now and then I wish you could see it from my perspective,

and I from yours...

Anyways,

let me tell you all about how it's been for me.

The drive was epic,

completely different than I expected,

less cactus and open road,

more mountains and red sand.

My expectations about the west were altered,

but it was incredible to be places I had never been.

Upon arrival, I headed for the ocean.

It's a magnetic force and I constantly feel it drawing me in.

Sunset, sand, the red ball of fire dipping into the ocean.

Palm trees everywhere.

And then, at first, it was like living a dream.

Some parts are familiar,

and there is a feeling of safety and security that wasn't in the East,

but yet that sense that while its been similar,

it's never been like this before.

Adjusting to landscapes and letting it sink in,

with all the permanence that comes with journeying across the country on a one way trip.

And then the city...

the beautiful city.

Which shows hints of the grey Fall that I'm so accustomed too.

But yielding an unexpected beauty.

A whole other beast then the grittiness of NYC.

In NYC people lived in the sky,

here they live in castles on a hill.

And you drive through the ups and downs of the city streets,

and every now and then you are completely surprised by the spectacular view laid before you.

This is a good way to describe life now,

living in a city that is constantly surprising me.

And lots of empty space now.

Which shows me really how much was poured into getting here.

How huge the desire to be West,

to be ocean side,

encompassed everything all the time.

I don't think it will be like before.

Some obvious similarities,

but it's like the East was simply practice for the real thing.

Don't get me wrong,

I do not take any of that experience foregranted.

NYC will always be the city that made me,

but the West has taken full claim and ownership over me.

I hope I can integrate gracefully in a new culture.

Maybe my abrasive Chicago accent will soften up a bit.

And while I'm here...

and while I can...

and while I exist on this earth,

I will see as many sunsets as I can.

It's the one thing the West holds over the East.

Ocean sunsets.

The purest most honest reflection of beauty in nature that is possible.

And they are amazing.

Completely surpasses anything I could ever imagine,

which is how I know that this time it's real.

I'm where I'm supposed to be,

I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing.

Maybe I've found comfort in the knowledge that the compass has finally brought me home.

I can walk with more confidence,

begin to plant some roots.

Experience smaller adventures,

build new consistencies.

Will you let the past lie in the past?

Don't underestimate the fact it could be the same for you.

Take solace in knowing I have walked through a long dark tunnel,

and found my way to the other side.

Remember nothing is truly easy,

but enjoy the moments that make everything worth it.

Persevere when you are faced with the impossible.

I can promise you it will all pay off in the end.

Because life is too beautiful not to live it with all the strength you can muster.

The journey is the most important part of discovering the person you want to be.

And everything you do matters.

“So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future.”

“There are certain queer times and occasions in this strange mixed affair we call life when a man takes this whole universe for avast practical joke, though the wit thereof he but dimly discerns, and more than suspects that the joke is at nobody's expense but his own. However, nothing dispirits, and nothing seems worth while disputing. He bolts down all events, all creeds, and beliefs, and persuasions, all hard things visible and invisible, never mind how knobby; as an ostrich of potent digestion gobbles down bullets and gun flints. And as for small difficulties and worryings, prospects of sudden disaster, peril of life and limb; all these, and death itself, seem to him only sly, good-natured hits, and jolly punches in the side bestowed by the unseen and unaccountable old joker. That odd sort of wayward mood I am am speaking of, comes over a man only in some time of extreme tribulation; it comes in the very midst of his earnestness, so that what just before might have seemed to him a thing most momentous, now seems but a part of the general joke.” 

― Herman Melville, Moby Dick

But we both know how,
How we're gonna make it work when it hurts,
When you pick yourself up,
You get kicked to the dirt,

Trying to make it work but,
Man, these times are hard,

But we're gonna start by
Drinking old cheap bottles of wine

“It’s not about the things he gave us, Carine,” he said softly. “It’s about the memories. You can’t touch those with your hands. Everything you can touch with your hands is just stuff.” 
― Carine McCandless, The Wild Truth

Dear city. Thank you for the raw honesty you forced. Thank you for the strange adventures and the unfamiliar faces. Thank you for creating a quiet unbreakable strength. Thank you for the opportunity of transformation. Thank you accepting with open arms. Thank you for creating an inner fight for all to be understood.

_{“I always try to play characters who are very different from what I am. If the character was a good swimmer or a diver, I’d be interested because in my real life, I am totally scared of water. I would immediately feel compelled to do it because I’m always trying to tackle any fear I have. I don’t want my life to be controlled by fear, whether it’s the fear of being rejected, fear of being loved; I want to run my life with open arms. Also, I never want to play the same character twice. To me, that’s soul crushing.” -Jessica Chastain}

So many things running through my head lately,

and i'll do my best to connect the dots in a clear coherent fashion.

Sometimes I think I have an insatiable appetite for inspiration.

Searching for it in all the usual ways,

but appearing in the most surprising places.

I've never known everything to be exactly as it seems,

and that's okay-because it keeps you accountable to life.

But let me tell you-

with the right inspiration an unbreakable motivation is created.

And this propels us forward into change,

new horizons,

transformation.

There are things more meaningful to me then I could ever express with words.

Things that have happened along the way.

The random occurrences of inspiration on great adventures.

Its never exactly the same,

maybe it's a conversation with a stranger on an airplane,

to distract a scared beginner.

Maybe it's an bright moon on an unfamiliar city street.

Maybe it's a sunset over a great city.

Maybe it's an angel in a taxi that shows you undeserved love.

Maybe it's a note or a text,

maybe it's the smell of ocean air on a summer night.

Lately it's been all different.

But if you think about the people in the world, as I often do,

there's all kinds.

But like Jack, I'm interested in the mad ones.

Those burning bright like roman candles.

And the fascination lies with the idea of achieving the dream.

That is-those who have found their place,

where they feel like everything in their life points to this direction,

where they overcome obstacle after obstacle,

and stand triumph at the top of their class.

Those that wake up each day and love every single moment,

because they are exactly where they want to be,

doing exactly what they want to do.

And I have to believe this is not an unobtainable future.

For everyone living right now with any sorts of dissatisfaction.

Believe me when I say-

you are the master of your fate.

Take charge of life and living and open yourself up to the possibility of change.

And believe me when I say-

I understand the fear associated with change,

I understand the fear associated with newness,

and I understand the fear associated with the unknown.

Maybe this is my addiction,

but I know no other way of living.

And even the most dedicated wanderer has to land somewhere,

and find some sort of community.

Because of Alexander Supertramp...Happiness is only real when shared.

But don't be crippled by circumstance.

And don't be paralyzed by fear.

I know the easy way is not always the best way.

Grow beyond what you thought were the limits,

because all of a sudden you'll realize you have become that person.

You'll wake up every single day knowing you are exactly where you are supposed to be,

doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing.

But sometimes it takes that inspiration,

to create a motivation to make changes.

It's not easy to relinquish control about your life.

But will you look back in ten years and tell yourself,

everything is going to be okay,

everything will work itself out.

Or will you look back and tell yourself,

enjoy this moment,

because as all things are, its just temporary,

and the next great moment is just around the corner.

So search in your present for inspiration to propel you into a future,

but don't discount how it happens.

Because each moment, opportunity, experience,

is simply a piece of the puzzle.

Each one matters.

And then you can look back with a better understanding of what it's all supposed to look like.

The mad ones,

burning, burning, burning,

like roman candles in the night.

Those are my people.

They walk alongside each other in a world where they are misunderstood.

People mislabel them as the lucky ones,

but it isn't luck.

Everyone wants results without putting the work.

So others resign to their own situation,

and the mad ones press on and on and on,

and there are so many sacrifices along the way.

But they are fed by the inspiration and fueled by motivation,

and all of sudden they are surrounded by all the success that they worked so hard to obtain,

And people set them apart in another category,

and create excuses about it all,

and really they started out all the same.

They just made different choices along the way.

They never took the easy way out.

They worked hard never compromising the vision they held in their head.

And they remained brave through transformation.

And somehow,

at some point,

in the midst of the hardest living,

life gave it all back.

And all the pieces of the puzzle came together.

I've been trying to see what it all looks like lately,

but I can't make sense of any of it yet.

Parts of the puzzle are clear,

but there are open blank spaces.

And the future has not become obvious,

and the past comes back around.

So for now,

I press onward.

I'm holding onto the little pieces of inspiration,

and consuming each experiences,

moving forward to the mad ones.

I'm keeping a faith in my journey,

I"m shedding myself of the past and preparing for the future.

I'm listening to my fears,

and I'm remaining brave towards the unknown.

Knowing each opportunity matters,

and living in the moment is just as important as striving towards goals.

Although inexperienced, unfinished, naive and ignorant to the wide wide world,

I am surrounded by veterans who have paved the way,

and i following behind large footsteps.

chasing after those who have become champions in their own arena.

And I'm studying and preparing to play the part,

and I'm learning everything I know from the great ones.

The mad ones.

And i'm keeping my city tucked close,

and I'm allowing those experiences to shape me even know,

because even years later you can learn hard lessons.

Its a good reminder that it all matters.

So deep breaths,

as you let these next moments pass make sure you take the time to find that inspiration,

make sure you appreciate being in the moments,

don't let fear cripple you,

don't be impatient.

Love harder,

grow bigger,

do your research and take notes,

because soon enough it will be that time again,

and you'll be closer to the person you want to be,

and you will be closer to finding your community of mad ones,

and life will fill in the rest of the blanks.

"If you want to get more out of life, you must lose your inclination for monotonous security and adopt a helter-skelter style of life that will at first appear to you to be crazy. But once you become accustomed to such a life you will see its full meaning and its incredible beauty.”

"We've always defined ourselves by the ability to overcome the impossible. And we count these moments. These moments when we dare to aim higher, to break barriers, to reach for the stars, to make the unknown known. We count these moments as our proudest achievements. But we lost all that...

 ...Or perhaps we've just forgotten that we are still pioneers. And we've barely begun. And that our greatest accomplishments cannot be behind us, because our destiny lies above us."

I need another story
Something to get off my chest
My life gets kinda boring
Need something that I can confess

'Til all my sleeves are stained red
From all the truth that I've said
Come by it honestly I swear
Thought you saw me wink, no
I've been on the brink, so

Tell me what you want to hear
Something that will light those ears
Sick of all the insincere
So I'm gonna give all my secrets away

Not Till we are completely lost or turned around...do we begin to find ourselves.

Henry David Thoreau

Fear is a funny thing,

I practiced hard to maintain a fearless way of living.

Bold, brave, adventurous...

And as you get old it evolves.

You no longer want someone to check for monsters under bed.

Rather fear has changed into a feeling similar to falling.

This endless stomach drop adrenaline rush,

and you can't slow,

just spiraling into an endless abyss of unknown.

I thought as you get older make you fear less,

and well that may be true,

I think you fear differently.

Your general understanding of life and how it works,

what you can handle and what you can't.

As you gain life perspective, experience tragedy,

preparing for the unexpected...

When you're young you try to pretend you aren't afraid.

You hid them, for fear of being mocked and teased.

You play a game of avoidance and denial.

As you grow older you try to fight them,

conquer them,

understand them,

change them.

And then you reach a point, as you continue on in life,

where you stop ignoring fear, stop fighting fear..

and you start embracing it.

You learn about yourself in new ways,

discovering unrealized fears.

You sort your priorities and gain a solid understanding of who you are and how you fit in the world.

And then when you fall out of that understanding,

it creates the fear I'm talking about.

Where you begin a spiraling free-fall,

grasping at whatever you can reach on the way down.

I don't wish to be afraid,

and i don't dwell on fear.

But I am thankful sometimes,

to know that it's not always the way I understand it to be,

there is a variable called the unknown that is constantly appearing.

I still practice bravery.

But don't spend time on worrying about what people think.

I"m not afraid of perception,

I"m not afraid of not being able to "conquer" fear.

Rather I"m welcoming it,

and learning how to use fear to create life lessons.

I"m learning to relinquish control,

same as before, but differently.

Because time has changed me.

Experiences has changed me.

People have changed me.

Perspective has changed me.

You cannot predict the future any more than you can change the past.

Just move forward, and create new horizons.

Soak in new experiences and travel to new places.

Because I truly believe that the world is an amazing place,

filled with knowledge, culture, uniqueness...

and there are so many stories to be heard,

and so many lessons to be learned,

and so many faces to meet,

and so many sunrises to see.

This makes the fearfulness healthy instead of debilitating.

You'll never get every answer you want for all your questions,

but you will find some,

and the more answers you get the more you can let it go.

You'll never find answers if you stop looking for them.

And gaze into the past and gain inspiration.

The smell in the air, the sounds of traffic,

an old song, a picture, a feeling...

All that are tools you have to propel yourself into the future.

Ammunition against despair, discouragement, disappointment...

Reminders of the streets you conquered, and the way it all felt.

And don't you remember that you were so afraid.

And you were stuck in an endless free fall,

and it was exactly where you needed to be.

And don't stop with the past,

but let that motivate you to search for new adventures,

to fill your future with newness, change, and new horizons.

Because you'll never find what you want if you stop looking.

Try not to be so angry about the things you can't control.

People make choices that you may never understand.

And as much as you want to find the human connectedness in it all,

it was never what you thought it was.

Perceptions altered by space and time and distance.

You put into life what you want back,

and truly what goes around will come back around.

And even though you don't understand it,

it may have opened the door for something different.

Don't refuse another or deny difference chances.

Just move on into the future,

leave your past in the past.

Let go of anger,

don't let decisions made by other people affect your spirit and passion.

Don't waste time on meaningless relationships.

So much of life happens all the time.

And even when it moves at its slowest,

things are happening.

So move through it boldly.

Pioneer new experiences all the time.

Opportunities are arising, things are falling in place,

and you can't count the time now the same way you did then,

but it's not worse or better,

it's just different.

Allow yourself moments to feel fear, embrace the results.

Stop to appreciate beauty of all types, big and small.

Celebrate small victories,

stop trying to create happiness and keep practicing love.

Because it all matters.