I learned to live half alive, and now you want me one more time. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

"I had the craziest dream last night about a girl who has turned into a swan, but her prince falls for the wrong girl and she kills herself..."  (Natalie Portman)

Black Swan 

I HAVE A CONFESSION TO MAKE. 

I NEARLY BROKE DOWN. I NEARLY LOST MY GRIP. I NEARLY PANICKED. I NEARLY GAVE UP.

I HAVE BEEN WOBBLING BACK AND FORTH...BETWEEN SANITY AND INSANITY.

I HAVE BEEN OVERWHELMED, OVERSTRESSED, OVERANXIOUS. OVER EVERYTHING.

ITS AMAZING THE THINGS THAT CAN BRING YOU BACK...

LAUGHTER. CONVERSATIONS. SMILES. GENTLE ADVICE.

FUCK. SO. GOOD. TO KNOW. I HAVE SOMEONE. ON MY SIDE.

STILL FEEL ALONE.

BUT NOW I HAVE HOPE...

THANKFUL FOR THAT.

And it took so long just to feel alright.

Remember how to put back the light in my eyes?

I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed,

Cause you broke all your promises,

And now you’re back.

You don’t get to get me back.

And who do you think you are?

Running around leaving scars,

Collecting your jar of hearts,

And tearing love apart.

You’re gonna catch a cold,

From the ice inside your soul.

So don’t come back for me,

Don't come back at all.

-Jar Of Hearts (Christina Perri)

"I like the way you’re not afraid. You got the world planned in your mind. People say you cannot do, well they don’t know..."

Happiness

Sitting here, on this lonely dock 
Watch the rain play on the ocean top 
All the things I feel I need to say 
I can't explain in any other way 

I'd Rather Be With You (Joshua Radin)

"Distance is not for the fearful, it is for the bold. It's for those who are willing to spend a lot of time alone in exchange for a little time with the one they love. It's for those knowing a good thing when they see it, even if they don't see it nearly enough..."

You know it's worth it, when you have to fight to keep it.

NEW YORK CITY PART I 12/17-12/18

NEW YORK CITY PART II 12/27-12/31

"Fire like lightening, burnin' up the night. A smoke horizon-won't give up the fight..."

I prefer simply to just know all the answers.

There is a reassuring safety in predictability.

It's the not knowing...

It's. So. Fucking. Hard.

But then again...

"If you know what you're looking for, than you know exactly what you will find..."

Can't have it both ways.

“If somebody likes me, I want them to like the real me, not what they think I am. And I don’t want them to carry it around inside. I want them to show me, so I can feel it, too.”

“I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we’ll never know most of them. But even if we don’t have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them.” 

-Perks.

I'll be the why to your because...
Because..

I am not perfect.
But

I know I'm worth it.
And

I gotta believe,

 there has to be a you
For every girl like me.

"Every Girl Like Me" (Sugarland)

Terrified.  

This is how I see the world...this is how I see nature...expressing in a simplistic way the most beautiful versions of human emotion...

Because one tree didn't think it could be alone... 

"It's So lonely when you don't even know yourself..." -Unknown

"Loneliness add beauty to life. It puts a special burn on sunsets and makes the night air smell better"

 -Henry Rollins

LANGUAGE...HAS CREATED THE WORD "LONELINESS" TO EXPRESS THE PAIN OF BEING ALONE. AND IT HAS CREATED THE WORD "SOLITUDE" TO EXPRESS THE GLORY OF BEING ALONE." -PAUL TILLICH

Tall enough to touch the sun...

"Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth" -Buddha

"You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain." 

-Jim Morrison

In order to get a better perspective...everything is smaller then it looks, just depends on your view...

"Reality is a question of perspective; the further you get from the past, the more concrete and plausible it seems-but as you approach the present, it inevitably seems incredible." -Salman Rushdie 

Expectant of greater things,
We try climbing -
Higher
And Higher;
An effort that costs us much,
Leaving us short of breath
To find only
The ground below is much prettier.
~Phillip Pulfrey, "Mountains"

"A heart that beats, an Incredible Machine. Made of blood and love and hope and lust and steam... Calling, calling, calling."

Whenever I fly alone, which for some reason I have done a lot lately, I find my brain drifting into overdrive and stumbling over a long chain of endless thoughts...It's something about being removed from the earth's surface where you really do feel mentally detached as well as physically removed from your day to day life. Of course today was no exception...Lots of things to process with life lately...and although I had one specific major thought on my mind today, as I do most days,  I let the music from the Ipod blast and my brain go...

And let me tell you: this song was rocking my world...simple. short. relevant. honest. inspiring.

An Incredible Machine.

 

Feels like I'm flying,
Wings made of light
Brand new and shining
Like a shot rung out through the night

Feels like i'm floating
Weightless in flight
Planets exploding as the soul and gravity fight

Lifted higher mercury skies above
Calling, water fire burning a sign of love

 Incredible Machine -Sugarland

Photos from  2a, Denver CO-Chicago IL, 12/5/10

“You don't have to be a "person of influence" to be influential. In fact, the most influential people in my life are probably not even aware of the things they've taught me.”

"Without the night, the day cannot exist on its own. It is night that prepares you for the day, it is night that rejuvenates you, gives you energy back."

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet,

because they tear down your walls and smack you awake.

But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful.

Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

-Elizabeth Gilbert (From blog 11/7)

The most functional relationship I can think of between two existing forces is the sun and the moon. Two forces, beings of energy, constantly intertwined in a perfect rhythm of harmonious existence. It makes me think of soul mates. Recently I have settled on the idea that soul mates definitely exist (of course I have always believed this) but true soul mates can never coexist. (refer to above quote) This whole idea that true love, true passion, true connection can only occur in the absence of physical presence because that type of love, the soul mate love, is something that defies time and space. Soul mates are soul mates because of the connection but moreso what makes someone your soul mate is the fact that they have shown you more about yourself then anyone else ever could. Therefore making the sun and moon true soul mates. Night cannot be without the day, they are two equal parts to one bigger union (time) but they can never exist simultaneously...

On a separate but related topic let's throw superheros into the mix. A stereotypical hero fits a few different qualifications. Firstly, they live a double life. They have a side of themselves that is kept "hidden" from their normal everyday functioning. Secondly, there is some form of "sacrifice" made in order to assist the "greater picture" in a battle for good vs. evil. Thirdly, there is some tragedy in that individuals past (usually something related to family) that isolates them to the point where they feel unable to maintain normal relationships...

Soul mates and super heroes aren't so different. They are just like the sun and the moon. This epic duality of conflicting forces that when synced and functioning in opposition create this perfect harmony. Mind boggling. Look deeper into any character study of any of the classic super heroes and you will find an individual who struggles with sacrifice, isolation, connection, influence, "ultimate choices," responsibility, the desire to feel like they belong while knowing they will never be able to have the normalcy they are fighting to maintain for others. It's tragic, but it's amazingly profound. How is this different then someone who has found their soul mate (by my definition)...well really it's quite similar. Finding your soul mate is like accepting your super hero status. You realize that you have a responsibility to a greater force then yourself (love). But this is only proven without a doubt by sacrifice (separation). Therefore you must feel isolation before you can appreciate connection. Yet your soul mate has the ability to bring out a part of you that no one else can (influence). And there is this deep longing desire to belong to another person while knowing that your soul mate will only balance you in their absence. Again tragic, but amazingly proud.

Another interesting thing to note about super heroes and soul mates is how this relates to time and physical space. Using super heroes as a metaphor for sacrifice and soul mates as a metaphor for love...these are ideas that cannot be measured in any physical way. There is no set specific definition, no way to contain it in a way we can understand. They are endless, boundless, and infinite. Yet, for being such complicated topics, it's something that is so basic to our human nature. It's the driving force...and related to so many other things...passion, longing, tragedy, dedication, loyalty. It's universal to all people and forces of nature.

I'll leave you with this...can you find ultimate love without making ultimate sacrifice? Is it possible to find harmony in separation? Or is the most impossibly perfect soul mate someone who lives a double life as a super hero? 

If I am the Moon, where is my Sun? 

"Some people feel like they don't deserve love. They walk away quietly into empty spaces, trying to close the gaps of the past." — Chris McCandless

This is what I wonder: Perhaps, having faith in the unknown, really trusting in something you cannot know for certain, is not only accepting there there may not be any answers, but ultimately to stop searching for them....

"...the sea's only gifts are harsh blows and, occasionally, the chance to feel strong. Now, I don't know much about the sea, but I do know that that's the way it is here. And I also know how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong but to feel strong, to measure yourself at least once, to find yourself at least once in the most ancient of human conditions, facing blind, deaf stone alone, with nothing to help you but your own hands and your own head..."

— Bear Meat by Primo Levi

"When a young person is moved by a passion and feels compelled to go on this sort of quest, I think you have to let him. You can't stop him. In our culture we don't have formal rights of passage like in some ancient cultures. Subjecting yourself to risk... may be something you have to go through to be a man or a woman."

-Jon Krakauer

"Sometimes my need to love hurts-- myself, my family, my cause. Is there a cure? Of course. But I refuse. Refuse to stop loving, to stop caring. To avoid those tears, that pain...To err on the side of passion is human and right and the only way I'll live." (Jon Krakauer)

The harder the search the greater the disconnect.

"We don't have time for that. All I want is to find an easier way to get out of our little heads. Have heart my dear, We're bound to be afraid..."

This song reminds of winter. This song reminds me of night time and stars. This song reminds me of a lot.

Chasing Cars: Snow Patrol

We'll do it all

Everything

On our own

We don't need

Anything

Or anyone

If I lay here

If I just lay here

would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know

How to say

How I feel

Those three words

Are said too much

They're not enough

If I lay here

If I just lay here

would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told

Before we get too old

Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time

Chasing cars

Around our heads

I need your grace

To remind me

To find my own

If I lay here

If I just lay here

would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told

Before we get too old

Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am

All that I ever was

Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where

Confused about how as well

Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here

If I just lay here

would you lie with me and just forget the world?

"The way life treats you is a merciless mirror image of your attitude toward life"

"WE ACCEPT THE LOVE WE THINK WE DESERVE"

-Perks of Being a Wallflower

I have never understood that before tonight.

Things I learned about myself:

Realization of the way that I communicate, or don't communicate with other people...

The concept of speaking with a constant filter

Grasping the idea of never allowing love to be viewed as an unconditional emotion, but rather this idea of input/output interactions.

Honestly believing in two contradictory statements, because it is simply not explainable any other way.

“There’s a lot i don’t understand about life..you meet thousands of people, and then you meet one person, and your life is changed.. forever."

Escapism. Part II.

Lost. Alone. Desperate. Confused.

Don't you ever wonder what the fuck it all means?

"I wanna ask you-Do you ever sit and wonder? It's so strange that we could be together for so long, and never know, never care...

...What goes on in the other one's head." -Ben Folds/Regina Spektor

It's Thanksgiving...so of course...things I'm thankful for...

I'm thankful for having a place to be when it's a holiday.

I'm thankful to have my basic needs provided for.

I'm thankful I have people who will notice where I am and what I'm doing.

I'm thankful for snow.

I'm thankful for turkey and delicious food

I'm thankful to have blessings to count.

I'm thankful for technology and all the fun ways it allows us to connect with each other.

I'm thankful for having a job.

I'm thankful for the children in my life that teach me so much every day.

I'm thankful for Oliver.

I'm thankful for Annie Girl and Blackjack.

I'm thankful for the opportunities I've had in the past to travel.

I'm thankful for a new friend.

I'm thankful for music.

I'm thankful for random coincidences.

I'm thankful for coffee.

I'm thankful for the quiet.

I'm thankful for sleep.

I'm thankful for seeing old friends again.

I'm thankful for New York.

I'm thankful for my education.

I'm thankful for hope and love.

I'm thankful for laughter.

Escapism.

I need to get the fuck out.

"They say that this city will change you, but it ain't me that's been changing from what I can tell."

COME HOME

Onerepublic

Hello world

Hope you’re listening

Forgive me if I’m young

For speaking out of turn

There’s someone I’ve been missing

I think that they could be

The better half of me

They’re in the wrong place trying to make it right

But I’m tired of justifying

So I say you’ll

Come home, come home

Cause I’ve been waiting for you

For so long, for so long

And right now there’s a war between the vanities

But all I see is you and me

The fight for you is all I’ve ever known

So come home

Oooooh oooh

Sara Bareilles

I get lost in the beauty

Of everything I see

The world ain’t as half as bad

As they paint it to be

If all the sons

If all the daughters

Stopped to take it in

Well hopefully the hate subsides and the love can begin

It might start now yeah

Well maybe I’m just dreaming out loud

Until then

Come home, come home

Cause I’ve been waiting for you

For so long, for so long

And right now there’s a war between the vanities

But all I see is you and me

The fight for you is all I’ve ever known

Ever known

So come home

Ooooooh oooooooooooooh

Duet : Onerepublic – Sara Bareilles

Everything I can’t be

Is everything you should be

And that’s why I need you here

Everything I can’t be

Is everything you should be

And that’s why I need you here

So hear this now

Come home, come home

Cause I’ve been waiting for you

For so long, for so long

And right now there’s a war between the vanities

But all i see is you and me

The fight for you is all I’ve ever known

Onerepublic

Ever known

So come home

Come home

Sara Bareilles

Come home, come home

I’ve been waiting for you

Onerepublic

Come home

(Photographed By E. J.)

"I am afraid that I am destructive, that if I have something good, I feel compelled to destroy it."

"Given my history, I just, I don't wanna be casual about the promise that I made to you."

"I didn't know that you made any promises."

"Well, I'm making a promise to you right now."

"I promise that I share your values about family and faithfulness and commitment..."

"Wow."

"....without a love of my own. Blue moon, you knew just what I was there for. You heard me sayin' a prayer for...Someone I really could care for..."

"Several clues point to a strong connection between the almanac's Blue Moons and the four seasons of the year. All of the listed Blue Moons fall on the 20th, 21st, 22nd, or 23rd day of November, May, February, or August. These dates fall about a month before the Northern Hemisphere winter and summer solstices, and spring and fall equinoxes, respectively, which occur on similar day numbers.

...the "Maine rule" for Blue Moons: Seasonal Moon names are assigned near the spring equinox in accordance with the ecclesiastical rules for determining the dates of Easter and Lent. The beginnings of summer, fall, and winter are determined by the dynamical mean Sun. When a season contains four full Moons, the third is called a Blue Moon."

http://www.skyandtelescope.com/observing/objects/moon/3304131.html?showAll=y&c=y

It is a mistake to try to look too far ahead. The chain of destiny can only be grasped one link at a time.

- Sir Winston Churchill

So I'm just going to try and attempt to write a little bit of my thoughts about this and hopefully it doesn't go terribly wrong. In the last 4 months of my life I have been blessed and challenged to experience some pretty intense "rare occurrences." I have been reflecting on them today, as it is a blue moon tonight...and as we know, the blue moon is a perfect symbolic representation of a rare event. The excerpts from the article I posted outline that blue moons may have a strong connection to a change of season. Well I am certainly hoping this is the case for me as well. I look at all the things that have happened to me lately and all the thoughts it's caused me to have...and I can't begin to understand any of it. The good things have been better then I could imagine and have brought more happiness then I thought possible. The bad things that have happened have been so much more worse then I could have ever imagined and have caused more heartbreak then I could express. But the point is I guess it has happened. My new favorite expression lately, "it is what it is."

I look back on the posts here, even since October I can see how much I have grown. I have learned so much lately about myself and about dealing with life and taking chances and trusting in the unknown, living life one day at a time and being brave. Lately though, I guess it's been time to apply that too life in a more general sense and after spending so much time working on myself as the individual, I have been forced to step away and face learning about myself in relationship to other people. All types of people, strangers who have crossed my path, close friends, distant friends, family members, employers old and new, people far away and people close to home, peers and children, etc... I feel like I'm a debutante at my own "coming out party." It's funny to see how quickly all those "lessons" I thought I learned were forgotten once I was forced to utilize them on a new playground. I hope I haven't failed miserably. I hoped my debut back into society was going to be a more graceful and elegant experience, but as they say...ONCE IN A BLUE MOON, SOMETHING NEW COMES ALONG THAT SCRAMBLES YOUR PRECONCEPTIONS. I guess this has been my experience.

I will wrap this up because now I'm rambling...but the two important things I have learned this weekend...

Sometimes things happen that are out of your control. Sometimes things happen that are awful. When this does happen you are allowed to feel angry and sad and you are allowed to take a moment to feel horrible for yourself. But when that moment passes then look only to the future. Do not ask "what if" or tell yourself what you "should have done." Use the experience to grow and learn...likewise if you are finding yourself in a position where you are unhappy...take the time and examine the choices you are making and recognize that everything, I mean EVERYTHING has a consequence. Every action has a reaction...there comes a time to take RESPONSIBILITY for those choices and by this I mean feeling the full weight of the consequences and learn how to use that to make you into a better person or the person you desire to be...

I always thought of my life as having a "list." There were things I put on this list to learn and to figure out and I always thought that one day I would look back and realize that I could cross out everything on that list. I would have resolution as everything I ever wanted to know or understand or become was taken care of. But I now believe that life does still have a "list," but I'll never be able to cross everything off of it. Its a list that is constantly transforming and growing and shrinking. There is no resolution as life is a constant learning process. There is no end to the questions and the self-adjustments. The list will always have things on it. And that is just how things go. Really it does make sense because no one is perfect and everyone needs to make self-adjustments to grow as individuals. But realizing this, for me to some extent, feels like the loss of innocence. It's not that life's problems are unsolvable but rather unstoppable. It is what it is, and we have no choice but to continue on.