"I made up my mind when I was a young girl I've been given this one world I won't worry it away But now and again I lose sight of the good life I get stuck in a low light But then Love comes in..."

"Make a radical change in your lifestyle and begin to boldly do things which you may previously never have thought of doing, or been too hesitant to attempt. So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservation, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future....

...The very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun."

-Jon Kraukauer

There is a tide in the affairs of men.
Which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune;
Omitted, all the voyage of their life
Is bound in shallows and in miseries.
On such a full sea are we now afloat,
And we must take the current when it serves,
Or lose our ventures.

Everybody needs beauty as well as bread, places to play in and pray in, where nature may heal and give strength to body and soul alike. 
- The Yosemite (1912)

“As long as I live, I'll hear waterfalls and birds and winds sing. I'll interpret the rocks, learn the language of flood, storm, and the avalanche. I'll acquaint myself with the glaciers and wild gardens, and get as near the heart of the world as I can".” 
― John Muir 

It’s funny how little habits and small normalcies can become essential to survival.

Often times I find myself the happiest in the small quiet moments of life,

Where I am fully me and living as honestly as possible.

Change can bring so much good.

Widening of perspective,

New experiences and new people,

A great appreciation for a road never traveled,

Sights, sounds, food,

Opportunity and hopefulness.

But it also wages an internal war,

To constantly be leaving,

And behind me in the rearview the people and places of old familiarity wave sad good byes.

I’ve reached a new phase,

I’ve leveled up, so to speak.

I’m trying now to be a gardener and plant roots,

To grow something beautiful and permanent.

This was not always the way it was before,

And as I navigate uncharted territory,

I realize I am once again faced with the challenge of patience.

As things may have been instantaneous, or seemed so, prior…

Growing something takes time and effort.

Patience that the seeds will blossom into something wonderful.

I have never been good at patience,

And though I have learned to distract myself,

There is still a part of me that wants it all right now.

I wonder if all the waiting

to be in my here and now

has finally worn me down.

I wait for teachable moments to help me see a bigger picture,

And I crave the small familiarities of being in this place.

Such a seamless transition,

And I feel it bearing down on me as real decisions have to be decided.

It genuinely worries me to think that all the moving has been a bandaid,

A distraction and a temporary solution.

But then I remind myself that to be surround by this type of beauty,

It makes sense.

The ocean has always been my favorite.

It is both a divider and a connector.

Vast, powerful, and home to so many things.

Untraveled and unexplored,

But temperamental and powerful.

It mostly reminds me how very small I am.

And in this big big world,

It’s important to maintain perspective.

That life is big and it has plans you cannot even imagine.

But do not be dissuaded by size,

Because even the smallest stone can create ripples.

This is to say that it all matters,

And every piece you add to the puzzle helps create a masterpiece.

I find that the most surprising thing is that my thoughts are full,

And the bucket list has been well attended,

But there is still so much more.

Nothing I predicted,

Nothing that I planned on.

But I know that this is not enough.

Home is not the location,

But rather the place you make.

And even when it seems like it comes easy,

It still takes work.

So don’t give up.

It is easier to figure out what you really want from life,

As the distractions are removed,

One by one.

And you are left standing in the middle of the perfect life you designed.

You have to peel back the layers of it

and face the truth.

To figure out what that means to you and why knowing is important.

Maybe it’s just to to be able to come face to face with a truer version of self.

Maybe it’s too battle undefeated demons of the past.

Maybe it’s to find the tools to break down that wall that is keeping you back.

I’ve come a long way.

Longer then I thought possible in this short time,

But now that I’m here it’s time to dig deeper,

And truly understand what it means to stay.

And what it means to be completely myself

in the location of my design.

And all the distractions of the past are gone,

And all the leaving is done.

And it’s a new type of challenge that has never been endured.

But i’m confident as ever as I proceed into my new future.

Remembering how much it matters,

Maintaining patience,

And soaking up as much beauty as possible.

"Let me photograph you in this light In case it is the last time That we might be exactly like we were Before we realized We were sad of getting old It made us restless..."

"Dear book, this is another day in my life. A life is like a book. A book is like a box. A box has six sides. Inside and outside, so, how do you get to what's inside? How do you get what's inside, out? Once upon a time, there lived a very pretty girl, who lived in a beautiful box, and everybody loved her."

Everything I love about who I am and everything I hate,

I learned it all.

No regrets...

There is beauty in every adventure.

"The trick is the same as before,

Maintain patience for a life to evolve as it's meant to.

Carry an enthusiasm for relationships, an open eye for new encounters,

Keep courage to try new things, 

faith that people are inherently good,

endurance for the parts that seem unbearable..."

“Chaos is more freedom; in fact, total freedom. But no meaning. I want to be free to act, and I also want my actions to mean something.” 

Please don't stand so close to me, I'm having trouble breathing

I'm afraid of what you'll see, right now

I'll give you everything I am

All my broken heartbeats until I know you'll understand

And I will make sure to keep my distance

Say "I love you" when you're not listening

I used to be afraid of change,

big changes that create the scary unknown.

I used to be afraid of loneliness,

and having to be all by  myself.

I used to be afraid of losing control,

being swept along in a current I couldn't escape from,

forced to endure whatever was ahead.

Now those things don't seem so scary.

Maybe that comes with growing older,

maybe that comes with practice and life experience,

or maybe those fears have just fallen away.

What looms in my path,

casting gigantic shadows... vulnerability and rejection.

Universal concepts,

which lie just beneath the layers of what is real,

lurking in the subconscious.

It's not always the obvious fears that can have the largest impact,

rather it's those that lie just beyond your reach that can cause the most damage.

Obvious fears can be brushed off and avoided.

You face them or run away...

but the quiet fears,

hidden from view are what can creep up on you when you least expect it.

I can't believe that six years has passed since the blog was born.

It's a crucial document of the ups and downs that I have had,

and the lessons I have learned,

and the improvements I have made.

Its a glance into a history of an anonymous someone,

but it's letters of encouragement to a future someone else.

And I wonder how long I should continue this,

rather if time should pass and things should remain unsaid.

I can see improvements that have transpired over time,

and I can see the events that have shaped the human I am today.

Last time, we spoke about honesty,

and being honest with yourself.

I have had a hearty dose of this.

I recommend to you that you try this,

at least once in your life...

look at your reflection long and hard,

and see past the obvious characteristics,

deep into the image of the insides,

and then then past all the lies and half truths you have convinced yourself are truth.

And when all the layers are peeled back you'll see the person you truly are.

And maybe it will surprise you,

and maybe it will affirm the things you already thought were true.

But in that moment,

of true and deep introspection you will be aware of all the things you hide away,

and all the things that live deep in your soul.

It's at this point where you have a choice.

You can choose to make changes,

you can choose to face the things you don't like,

you can identify the strategies you have deployed to protect yourself...

or you turn away,

and let the layers fall back,

and let the things that exist in this place remain,

untouched and undisturbed.

The question is,

does it matter?

The answer... yes.

It does matter.

And it will not be easy,

in fact that is an understatement.

It will probably be the hardest adventure you have ever had,

it will be the most challenging, most exhausting, and most draining experience you could demand of yourself.

And it will force you to stand in front of the gigantic hidden fears,

as they tower over you,

staring you straight in the face.

And you will feel as though you have been asked to do the impossible.

Because working to transform into a better version of self,

it's not the same as asking you to re-arrange the parts of you that lie that deep in your inner workings.

But you have to understand,

to me there is not a choice in this matter.

Once you have re-arranged all the obvious things in your life,

to line up the way they are supposed too,

and you have undergone a physical search to journey to the places that matter the most,

and you have transformed the obvious parts,

the only thing that is left is buried beneath the layers.

Its not about being a "good person" or a better person,

it's not about impacting the world,

or trying to stand out,

it's about you and only you.

It's about knowing and understanding,

and truly changing.

Most don't climb down this deep into where it all lies,

because it's too hard to see what's happening,

and the journey is scary.

But we have gone too far to stop now.

And it's about being honest with yourself,

and working on the things that are left to work on,

and making the necessary changes,

or learning to live with the parts that don't make sense.

It's a crossroad, and you're standing at the fork.

And maybe you will let the layers fall back into place,

and you'll leave your defenses standing strong,

and you'll slowly surface leaving it all behind.

Or maybe you'll move the pieces around,

and start to make the little changes that will have tremendous impacts.

But the point is, the most important part is, that you explore it.

If you never ask the questions,

I promise you that you will never get the answers.

And it will remain unsaid and undone,

and you'll be left being the exact same human you are.

Which know this,

and understand this please...

You are the best version of what you can be at the time.

You should never require more of yourself then this,

because if you do, then you're just setting yourself up for failure.

Understand you may succeed at times,

and others you might fail,

but error and mistakes are the things that make us human.

Setting accurate expectations is what is most important.

Celebrate your strengths,

and understand your weakness can be improved.

Try to remember the whole point of a defense system is to protect yourself,

don't counter this by being your own worst enemy.

Do what you can with what you know,

and understand that you will learn the things that are necessary as you go along.

It will never be magical,

where you snap your fingers and it all goes away.

Life doesn't work like that,

time heals most things,

and the things that remain may always stay.

But don't let this be an excuse to not explore past the obvious.
At least once,

try to step into the shadows and examine things a little closer.

You will at least learn something,

and build character,

and understand yourself in a way you didn't before.

Have patience.

This may take time.

"Underneath it all I'm held captive by the hole inside I've been holding back for the fear that you might change your mind I'm ready to forgive you but forgetting is a harder fight Little do you know I need a little more time..."

"Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and go do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”

-Howard Thurman 

 "Look at the stars. Same stars as last week. Last year. When we were kids. When we weren't even born. In a hundred years, no one will ever know who we were... They'll know those same stars."

Now I've been sitting on this abandoned beach for years
Waiting for the salty water to cover up my ears
But every time the tide comes in to take me home
I get scared and I'm just sitting here alone
Dreaming of the dolphin song

Regina.Spektor

“But why think about that when all the golden lands ahead of you and all kinds of unforseen events wait lurking to surprise you and make you glad you're alive to see?” 
― Jack Kerouac, On the Road

Irony has a funny way of slapping you across the face...

Sometimes, I find that we go about life doing it the hardest way possible,

all for the purpose of avoiding the inevitability of what we will be faced with.

No doubt you can run away from your problems,

far and fast,

thinking you put so much distance in the middle,

but as soon as you stop and look around you feel a tap on your shoulder,

and you turn around to see that whatever you are running from

hasn't really been that far behind.

Some people can live like that...

they spend all their time running away,

avoiding,

denying...

I had a thought the other day,

and I want to be absolutely clear and extremely honest with myself.

I am worried that all the "adventuring" and "forward motion,"

and this unconventional lifestyle of being here and there,

is actually me "running."

Maybe it started that way...

maybe it still is a bit that way,

but I hope not.

Because really,

it doesn't matter how far and how fast,

if you're running away from yourself,

you will constantly turn around and see yourself staring back at you.

So keep yourself accountable to yourself.

Make sure you are moving about the world in a way that allows yourself to be honest with yourself.

I just realized this recently,

we can do so much good and make so much progresses,

but if we forget to realize the motivation behind the action,

the purpose will be lost,

diluted by lies we have tricked ourselves into believing.

The only person I have been successful in lying too is myself.

I think that is important to understand,

and necessary to recognize this truth

Let me come back to this later...

So what do I do with a newfound sense of pride and satisfaction?

I'm living exactly the way I want to live,

in the place I want to be,

with the job I want to be doing?

Right...

fill the blank slate,

build new goals.

Peel back a layer of introspection that has never been explored.

Check. Check. and Check.

I realize that marking things finished from your bucket list is nice an all,

but what matters more is doing something with it.

I don't think everything has to change the world,

I don't think we all have create epic stories,

but I do think we have an obligation to ourselves to keep leveling up,

and trying to be better versions.

I thought I was finished.

I thought that once I got here fireworks would go off,

the puzzle would be complete,

and my world would fade to black.

Well, I did experience fireworks in the form of many beautiful sunsets,

but the puzzle is not complete.

And as I start on a new bucket list,

I realize I have always been the author of my own destiny,

and I choose how high to set the bar.

And,

as stated earlier,

I am faced with a obligation to be honest with myself.

If the last five years have proved anything,

it's that it is not easy to chase your dreams.

Lots of pieces have to fall into place,

splashed with a bit of luck,

and many many sacrifices have to be made.

It's stressful, its scary, its lonely.

But it pays back in ways that nothing else ever will.

And it only works when you are honest with yourself.

I think this is the point where a lot of people halt,

I think it's also the point people turn around and start running in the opposite direction.

Being honest with yourself is fuckiing hard.

And It doesn't always feel good,

actually it almost never feels good.

I am much more skilled in the art of being dishonest with myself,

but I am really trying to improve.

I think as I navigate this next section of life I have entered,

it will be more important than ever to remain as honest with myself as humanly possible.

This will be the new bucket list,

a single task,

that will penetrate all avenues of life,

and seemingly impossible to achieve,

but the worthiest cause:

be honest with myself.

So enter phase two of this "journey."

Involved less with actual physical location,

growing up,

moving about the world,

and more focused on living.

Can I figure out a way to live each day,

with the tools and skills I have already acquired,

but also, can I live each day being honest with myself?

Damn...this is going to be hard.

Although I have already begun to peel back a deep layer of introspection,

I'm fighting it hard,

and every step I take down that path of enlightenment, 

the voice in my head,

 that says run far and fast in the opposite direction,

gets louder and louder

and louder.

And If I've learned anything...

it's that facing our fears will have unimaginable life changing outcomes.

You will never get anywhere if you allow yourself to be crippled by fear.

So remain brave,

and stare the challenges in the face.

Practicing fearlessness will be an important strategy

when practicing self-honesty.

And don't be discouraged when things become difficult,

because no one is perfect.

The important part is your are taking steps to realize things you might have missed before.

It's a learning opportunity

Don't run in the opposite direction,

but proceed with caution and continue to put one foot in front of the other.

It will all make sense and come together eventually.

But this is a good goal to strive for in the time being.

Practice being honest with yourself, because you deserve it.

And enjoy the fireworks along the way,

but never stop living.

Never stop transforming.

Never stop appreciating the beauty,

and never stop loving.

It all matters.