"Let me photograph you in this light In case it is the last time That we might be exactly like we were Before we realized We were sad of getting old It made us restless..."

"Dear book, this is another day in my life. A life is like a book. A book is like a box. A box has six sides. Inside and outside, so, how do you get to what's inside? How do you get what's inside, out? Once upon a time, there lived a very pretty girl, who lived in a beautiful box, and everybody loved her."

Everything I love about who I am and everything I hate,

I learned it all.

No regrets...

There is beauty in every adventure.

"The trick is the same as before,

Maintain patience for a life to evolve as it's meant to.

Carry an enthusiasm for relationships, an open eye for new encounters,

Keep courage to try new things, 

faith that people are inherently good,

endurance for the parts that seem unbearable..."

“Chaos is more freedom; in fact, total freedom. But no meaning. I want to be free to act, and I also want my actions to mean something.” 

Please don't stand so close to me, I'm having trouble breathing

I'm afraid of what you'll see, right now

I'll give you everything I am

All my broken heartbeats until I know you'll understand

And I will make sure to keep my distance

Say "I love you" when you're not listening

I used to be afraid of change,

big changes that create the scary unknown.

I used to be afraid of loneliness,

and having to be all by  myself.

I used to be afraid of losing control,

being swept along in a current I couldn't escape from,

forced to endure whatever was ahead.

Now those things don't seem so scary.

Maybe that comes with growing older,

maybe that comes with practice and life experience,

or maybe those fears have just fallen away.

What looms in my path,

casting gigantic shadows... vulnerability and rejection.

Universal concepts,

which lie just beneath the layers of what is real,

lurking in the subconscious.

It's not always the obvious fears that can have the largest impact,

rather it's those that lie just beyond your reach that can cause the most damage.

Obvious fears can be brushed off and avoided.

You face them or run away...

but the quiet fears,

hidden from view are what can creep up on you when you least expect it.

I can't believe that six years has passed since the blog was born.

It's a crucial document of the ups and downs that I have had,

and the lessons I have learned,

and the improvements I have made.

Its a glance into a history of an anonymous someone,

but it's letters of encouragement to a future someone else.

And I wonder how long I should continue this,

rather if time should pass and things should remain unsaid.

I can see improvements that have transpired over time,

and I can see the events that have shaped the human I am today.

Last time, we spoke about honesty,

and being honest with yourself.

I have had a hearty dose of this.

I recommend to you that you try this,

at least once in your life...

look at your reflection long and hard,

and see past the obvious characteristics,

deep into the image of the insides,

and then then past all the lies and half truths you have convinced yourself are truth.

And when all the layers are peeled back you'll see the person you truly are.

And maybe it will surprise you,

and maybe it will affirm the things you already thought were true.

But in that moment,

of true and deep introspection you will be aware of all the things you hide away,

and all the things that live deep in your soul.

It's at this point where you have a choice.

You can choose to make changes,

you can choose to face the things you don't like,

you can identify the strategies you have deployed to protect yourself...

or you turn away,

and let the layers fall back,

and let the things that exist in this place remain,

untouched and undisturbed.

The question is,

does it matter?

The answer... yes.

It does matter.

And it will not be easy,

in fact that is an understatement.

It will probably be the hardest adventure you have ever had,

it will be the most challenging, most exhausting, and most draining experience you could demand of yourself.

And it will force you to stand in front of the gigantic hidden fears,

as they tower over you,

staring you straight in the face.

And you will feel as though you have been asked to do the impossible.

Because working to transform into a better version of self,

it's not the same as asking you to re-arrange the parts of you that lie that deep in your inner workings.

But you have to understand,

to me there is not a choice in this matter.

Once you have re-arranged all the obvious things in your life,

to line up the way they are supposed too,

and you have undergone a physical search to journey to the places that matter the most,

and you have transformed the obvious parts,

the only thing that is left is buried beneath the layers.

Its not about being a "good person" or a better person,

it's not about impacting the world,

or trying to stand out,

it's about you and only you.

It's about knowing and understanding,

and truly changing.

Most don't climb down this deep into where it all lies,

because it's too hard to see what's happening,

and the journey is scary.

But we have gone too far to stop now.

And it's about being honest with yourself,

and working on the things that are left to work on,

and making the necessary changes,

or learning to live with the parts that don't make sense.

It's a crossroad, and you're standing at the fork.

And maybe you will let the layers fall back into place,

and you'll leave your defenses standing strong,

and you'll slowly surface leaving it all behind.

Or maybe you'll move the pieces around,

and start to make the little changes that will have tremendous impacts.

But the point is, the most important part is, that you explore it.

If you never ask the questions,

I promise you that you will never get the answers.

And it will remain unsaid and undone,

and you'll be left being the exact same human you are.

Which know this,

and understand this please...

You are the best version of what you can be at the time.

You should never require more of yourself then this,

because if you do, then you're just setting yourself up for failure.

Understand you may succeed at times,

and others you might fail,

but error and mistakes are the things that make us human.

Setting accurate expectations is what is most important.

Celebrate your strengths,

and understand your weakness can be improved.

Try to remember the whole point of a defense system is to protect yourself,

don't counter this by being your own worst enemy.

Do what you can with what you know,

and understand that you will learn the things that are necessary as you go along.

It will never be magical,

where you snap your fingers and it all goes away.

Life doesn't work like that,

time heals most things,

and the things that remain may always stay.

But don't let this be an excuse to not explore past the obvious.
At least once,

try to step into the shadows and examine things a little closer.

You will at least learn something,

and build character,

and understand yourself in a way you didn't before.

Have patience.

This may take time.

“Our love has been the thread through the labyrinth, the net under the high-wire walker, the only real thing in this strange life of mine that I could ever trust.” ― Audrey Niffenegger, The Time Traveler's Wife

“Patience, he thought. So much of this was patience - waiting, and thinking and doing things right. So much of all this, so much of all living was patience and thinking.”  -G. Paulsen

Two birds on a wire

One tries to fly away

And the other watches him close from that wire

He says he wants to as well

But he is a liar

I'll believe it all

There's nothing I won't understand

I'll believe it all

I won't let go of your hand

Regina Spektor

If we make it out alive, from the depths of the seas

Compass points you anywhere

Closer to me

Where you are, I will be

Miles high, in the deep

Where you are, I will be

Anywhere, in between

Compass.

It's not easy to know

I'm not anything like I used to be

Although it's true

I was never attention's sweet center

I still remember that girl

She's imperfect but she tries

She is good but she lies

She is hard on herself

She is broken and won't ask for help

She is messy but she's kind

She is lonely most of the time

She is all of this mixed up

And baked in a beautiful pie

She is gone but she used to be mine

Sara Bareilles

A long time ago,

back when this all began...

I had a weird moment in time where I actually thought I might be close to the end.

Simply because a string of long lost voices from the past began to reappear in regular intervals.

Which I found to be too strange to be coincidental,

and all in all was rather unsettled by these ghosts reappearing.

I didn't know then that it was a sign of sorts.

Not necessarily of impending doom,

but rather a rebirth of such,

and the beginning of a strange and weird and wonderful transformation.

And tonight,

many years later as I lay here reflecting on life

and it's strange familiarity,

this memory appears out of the quiet,

reminding me of how confusing it all was in the beginning,

and reminding me of how far I have come.

And secondly,

I also wonder if this is how it is for other people all the time.

To exist in a world that paces normally,

and to maintain a habitat that feels natural and honest.

To live without wanting to be somewhere else,

to feel a sense of peacefulness and belonging,

and to wake up every day knowing you're exactly where you're supposed to be.

And the things you do just feel normal,

and all is as it should be,

and it feels like it was always this way.

Maybe it is this way for other people,

would you believe me if I said it's never been this way before?

The East felt so differently it almost impossible to compare.

The sense of conquering and surviving,

each moment essential to the other.

Creating a future,

stringing together experiences to form a coherent life...

Here is less frantic, less desperate.

I just wake up and exist.

No part of me needs to prove myself to myself,

and I don't imagine a world of what could have been.

I think in a way none of this is surprising.

I never thought I wouldn't be in the West.

Yes, it took many more years then I would have liked,

but life had lessons to teach me before it set me free.

And I would never ever trade my experiences in the East,

or discount the family I created in the middle.

But people hope that their life turns out a certain way,

and maybe I just always know it would.

I hoped for time in the East,

I hoped for adventures,

 I hoped for experiences...

But this-where I am right now,

I just waited for this to come along,

as patiently as I could possibly muster.

Quietly planning and growing in confidence,

waiting for the right time to take the leap.

I never once doubted that it would be this way eventually.

And now,

a strange anti-climatic end to the long wait.

But I am happier,

truly purely happy.

And this is not to say I haven't been happy before,

but this feels differently, in a way I can't exactly explain right now.

And I only saw one other scenario,

and it was a different path with different obstacles,

and a different ending to this same story.

And while the alternate endings play out deep in my subconscious,

I know that dreams are just that....dreams.

I don't regret this,

because I don't believe in regret.

Redirection is simply an adjustment of expectation.

When life give you lemons...right?

But really you can only control so much,

and the rest you have to count as faith that life will be the right way.

And that expectations just limit dreams,

and fear of the unknown is not an excuse to be complacent.

I want you to know that deep in my soul you remain a part of an alternate future.

And I don't discount the time we shared,

and I have hopefulness we will meet again in the future.

But for now,

I'll let you find me in my dreams and remain a distant fantasy.

Because I'm here now,

and this is the most right thing I have ever done in my whole life.

There's no other scenario that would have brought me here and kept you with me too.

I hope you continue along the way you are going.

And I hope from time to time you think of me too.

You know what I know 

and all along we were too similar to ever be compatible.

But the fierceness for following your passion,

was the characteristic I found the most attractive.

To watch you redirect your dream from what seemed like a perfectly crafted future,

to something else that you had to build from the beginning.

I don't know if you are missing what I'm missing,

and I guess in the end it doesn't matter,

as long as you are happy.

If you love something you let it go,

and maybe,

if it's meant to be,

it will come back.

I wish you could know the perfection I have found.

To live in the middle of a bustling city,

decorated in urban landscapes like I've never seen.

But also to look up and see a sky full of stars,

more stars then I have ever seen in my life,

and to hear the quiet sounds of the ocean at night.

To never see my breath in the winter,

to gape in awe at sunset after sunset,

dipping into the endless Pacific.

To be once again in a place where life is really happening around me,

and people bring a sense of diversity and intelligence that continues to teach and surprise me.

I really couldn't have made this happen in this way,

because it's too perfect a scenario to take complete credit for.

But I do know that following your dreams pays off in ways you can't imagine.

Staying true to yourself and fighting the temptation to lean on others,

to saying yes to opportunities that scare the hell out of you,

to being brave and always pushing forward,

never losing momentum.

I wonder if this is how it was for you...

I hope so.

I know I have said this before,

but I will continue to say it again and again.

If only as a reminder to myself and any others who endure my long ramblings.

But I am endlessly thankful for all my blessing.

This life,

oh this life...

what is this life?

I could not be more grateful for each and every moment.

I know it did not begin this way.

I know it was a long long time of trying,

trying and trying, 

and sometimes failing.

Redirection and constant change,

following my compass in every direction until I found this place I call home.

Yes, the East will always hold a gigantic peace of me,

but I know truly that the West is my home.

Each and every sunset reminds me of the majestic finish to a day,

whatever type of day...plain and ordinary, or something else.

And I can't imagine life without that,

and I'm as addicted to it as I'll ever be to anything.

After so much turmoil,

and hoping,

and planning,

and stressing,

and wondering,

and waiting...

I have an indescribable peacefulness,

that overwhelms any other emotion,

at least for now.

So please do think of me from time to time,

don't forget about the long conversations we shared.

But don't worry that it was supposed to happen a different way.

Because know I am where I am and you are where you are,

and this was how it was always to end.

With a wistful hopefulness that our paths may cross in the future.

You taught me about a side of myself I never knew existed,

and you have my deepest gratitude.

I will always have a place for you,

and  you'll find your way into my thoughts during the quietest moments.

But understand why I could not trade anything to change this future.

Understand that this was inevitable as the sun rises.

I might not understand everything,

but this is one thing I am quite certain of.

We walk in separate directions and never again glance backwards.

Anyways,

I hope you remember that it all matters.

Keep the motivation alive,

keep striving towards your goals,

never lose that.

Patience, although hard at times to obtain,

is important in gaining perspectives,

as I've said before.

Don't forget to practice love always,

even though I wish you were here with me instead,

it's important to keep an open heart.

And enjoy the beauty that surrounds this world.

Every day is a gift,

and life is shorter then we hope for.

Attitude is a choice,

so choose to be optimistic and attentive.

Live with integrity,

because people will admire and respect you for it.

Appreciate the little things in your life,

because you never know when the last time will be the last time.

You'll find that if you live this way,

you'll see a profound change,

and just believe me when I say,

it's the sweetest feeling you'll ever experience,

and it's all completely worth it.

I want this for you,

because once you realize your dreams,

and everything comes into focus,

you'll know this feeling that I have.

and even though we are miles apart,

 you will understand why these choices were so important for me to make.

Cause after all,

when you get to the core of everything,

we are all just trying to be a little more understood.

“The best love is the kind that weakens the soul, that makes us reach for more. That plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds.” 

It’s dark now and I am very tired. I love you, always. Time is nothing.

"It's hard being left behind. I wait for Henry, not knowing where he is, wondering if he's okay. It's hard to be the one who stays."

(Clare deTamble)

"I hate to be where she is not, when she is not. And yet, I am always going."

(Henry deTamble)

I go to sleep ALONE, and wake up ALONE.

I take walks,

I work until I'm tired.

I watch

the wind play with the trash that's been under the snow all winter.

Everything seems simple until you think about it. Why is LOVE

intensified by ABSENCE?