"I made up my mind when I was a young girl I've been given this one world I won't worry it away But now and again I lose sight of the good life I get stuck in a low light But then Love comes in..."

"Make a radical change in your lifestyle and begin to boldly do things which you may previously never have thought of doing, or been too hesitant to attempt. So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservation, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future....

...The very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun."

-Jon Kraukauer

There is a tide in the affairs of men.
Which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune;
Omitted, all the voyage of their life
Is bound in shallows and in miseries.
On such a full sea are we now afloat,
And we must take the current when it serves,
Or lose our ventures.

Everybody needs beauty as well as bread, places to play in and pray in, where nature may heal and give strength to body and soul alike. 
- The Yosemite (1912)

“As long as I live, I'll hear waterfalls and birds and winds sing. I'll interpret the rocks, learn the language of flood, storm, and the avalanche. I'll acquaint myself with the glaciers and wild gardens, and get as near the heart of the world as I can".” 
― John Muir 

It’s funny how little habits and small normalcies can become essential to survival.

Often times I find myself the happiest in the small quiet moments of life,

Where I am fully me and living as honestly as possible.

Change can bring so much good.

Widening of perspective,

New experiences and new people,

A great appreciation for a road never traveled,

Sights, sounds, food,

Opportunity and hopefulness.

But it also wages an internal war,

To constantly be leaving,

And behind me in the rearview the people and places of old familiarity wave sad good byes.

I’ve reached a new phase,

I’ve leveled up, so to speak.

I’m trying now to be a gardener and plant roots,

To grow something beautiful and permanent.

This was not always the way it was before,

And as I navigate uncharted territory,

I realize I am once again faced with the challenge of patience.

As things may have been instantaneous, or seemed so, prior…

Growing something takes time and effort.

Patience that the seeds will blossom into something wonderful.

I have never been good at patience,

And though I have learned to distract myself,

There is still a part of me that wants it all right now.

I wonder if all the waiting

to be in my here and now

has finally worn me down.

I wait for teachable moments to help me see a bigger picture,

And I crave the small familiarities of being in this place.

Such a seamless transition,

And I feel it bearing down on me as real decisions have to be decided.

It genuinely worries me to think that all the moving has been a bandaid,

A distraction and a temporary solution.

But then I remind myself that to be surround by this type of beauty,

It makes sense.

The ocean has always been my favorite.

It is both a divider and a connector.

Vast, powerful, and home to so many things.

Untraveled and unexplored,

But temperamental and powerful.

It mostly reminds me how very small I am.

And in this big big world,

It’s important to maintain perspective.

That life is big and it has plans you cannot even imagine.

But do not be dissuaded by size,

Because even the smallest stone can create ripples.

This is to say that it all matters,

And every piece you add to the puzzle helps create a masterpiece.

I find that the most surprising thing is that my thoughts are full,

And the bucket list has been well attended,

But there is still so much more.

Nothing I predicted,

Nothing that I planned on.

But I know that this is not enough.

Home is not the location,

But rather the place you make.

And even when it seems like it comes easy,

It still takes work.

So don’t give up.

It is easier to figure out what you really want from life,

As the distractions are removed,

One by one.

And you are left standing in the middle of the perfect life you designed.

You have to peel back the layers of it

and face the truth.

To figure out what that means to you and why knowing is important.

Maybe it’s just to to be able to come face to face with a truer version of self.

Maybe it’s too battle undefeated demons of the past.

Maybe it’s to find the tools to break down that wall that is keeping you back.

I’ve come a long way.

Longer then I thought possible in this short time,

But now that I’m here it’s time to dig deeper,

And truly understand what it means to stay.

And what it means to be completely myself

in the location of my design.

And all the distractions of the past are gone,

And all the leaving is done.

And it’s a new type of challenge that has never been endured.

But i’m confident as ever as I proceed into my new future.

Remembering how much it matters,

Maintaining patience,

And soaking up as much beauty as possible.

“Our love has been the thread through the labyrinth, the net under the high-wire walker, the only real thing in this strange life of mine that I could ever trust.” ― Audrey Niffenegger, The Time Traveler's Wife

“Patience, he thought. So much of this was patience - waiting, and thinking and doing things right. So much of all this, so much of all living was patience and thinking.”  -G. Paulsen

Two birds on a wire

One tries to fly away

And the other watches him close from that wire

He says he wants to as well

But he is a liar

I'll believe it all

There's nothing I won't understand

I'll believe it all

I won't let go of your hand

Regina Spektor

If we make it out alive, from the depths of the seas

Compass points you anywhere

Closer to me

Where you are, I will be

Miles high, in the deep

Where you are, I will be

Anywhere, in between

Compass.

It's not easy to know

I'm not anything like I used to be

Although it's true

I was never attention's sweet center

I still remember that girl

She's imperfect but she tries

She is good but she lies

She is hard on herself

She is broken and won't ask for help

She is messy but she's kind

She is lonely most of the time

She is all of this mixed up

And baked in a beautiful pie

She is gone but she used to be mine

Sara Bareilles

A long time ago,

back when this all began...

I had a weird moment in time where I actually thought I might be close to the end.

Simply because a string of long lost voices from the past began to reappear in regular intervals.

Which I found to be too strange to be coincidental,

and all in all was rather unsettled by these ghosts reappearing.

I didn't know then that it was a sign of sorts.

Not necessarily of impending doom,

but rather a rebirth of such,

and the beginning of a strange and weird and wonderful transformation.

And tonight,

many years later as I lay here reflecting on life

and it's strange familiarity,

this memory appears out of the quiet,

reminding me of how confusing it all was in the beginning,

and reminding me of how far I have come.

And secondly,

I also wonder if this is how it is for other people all the time.

To exist in a world that paces normally,

and to maintain a habitat that feels natural and honest.

To live without wanting to be somewhere else,

to feel a sense of peacefulness and belonging,

and to wake up every day knowing you're exactly where you're supposed to be.

And the things you do just feel normal,

and all is as it should be,

and it feels like it was always this way.

Maybe it is this way for other people,

would you believe me if I said it's never been this way before?

The East felt so differently it almost impossible to compare.

The sense of conquering and surviving,

each moment essential to the other.

Creating a future,

stringing together experiences to form a coherent life...

Here is less frantic, less desperate.

I just wake up and exist.

No part of me needs to prove myself to myself,

and I don't imagine a world of what could have been.

I think in a way none of this is surprising.

I never thought I wouldn't be in the West.

Yes, it took many more years then I would have liked,

but life had lessons to teach me before it set me free.

And I would never ever trade my experiences in the East,

or discount the family I created in the middle.

But people hope that their life turns out a certain way,

and maybe I just always know it would.

I hoped for time in the East,

I hoped for adventures,

 I hoped for experiences...

But this-where I am right now,

I just waited for this to come along,

as patiently as I could possibly muster.

Quietly planning and growing in confidence,

waiting for the right time to take the leap.

I never once doubted that it would be this way eventually.

And now,

a strange anti-climatic end to the long wait.

But I am happier,

truly purely happy.

And this is not to say I haven't been happy before,

but this feels differently, in a way I can't exactly explain right now.

And I only saw one other scenario,

and it was a different path with different obstacles,

and a different ending to this same story.

And while the alternate endings play out deep in my subconscious,

I know that dreams are just that....dreams.

I don't regret this,

because I don't believe in regret.

Redirection is simply an adjustment of expectation.

When life give you lemons...right?

But really you can only control so much,

and the rest you have to count as faith that life will be the right way.

And that expectations just limit dreams,

and fear of the unknown is not an excuse to be complacent.

I want you to know that deep in my soul you remain a part of an alternate future.

And I don't discount the time we shared,

and I have hopefulness we will meet again in the future.

But for now,

I'll let you find me in my dreams and remain a distant fantasy.

Because I'm here now,

and this is the most right thing I have ever done in my whole life.

There's no other scenario that would have brought me here and kept you with me too.

I hope you continue along the way you are going.

And I hope from time to time you think of me too.

You know what I know 

and all along we were too similar to ever be compatible.

But the fierceness for following your passion,

was the characteristic I found the most attractive.

To watch you redirect your dream from what seemed like a perfectly crafted future,

to something else that you had to build from the beginning.

I don't know if you are missing what I'm missing,

and I guess in the end it doesn't matter,

as long as you are happy.

If you love something you let it go,

and maybe,

if it's meant to be,

it will come back.

I wish you could know the perfection I have found.

To live in the middle of a bustling city,

decorated in urban landscapes like I've never seen.

But also to look up and see a sky full of stars,

more stars then I have ever seen in my life,

and to hear the quiet sounds of the ocean at night.

To never see my breath in the winter,

to gape in awe at sunset after sunset,

dipping into the endless Pacific.

To be once again in a place where life is really happening around me,

and people bring a sense of diversity and intelligence that continues to teach and surprise me.

I really couldn't have made this happen in this way,

because it's too perfect a scenario to take complete credit for.

But I do know that following your dreams pays off in ways you can't imagine.

Staying true to yourself and fighting the temptation to lean on others,

to saying yes to opportunities that scare the hell out of you,

to being brave and always pushing forward,

never losing momentum.

I wonder if this is how it was for you...

I hope so.

I know I have said this before,

but I will continue to say it again and again.

If only as a reminder to myself and any others who endure my long ramblings.

But I am endlessly thankful for all my blessing.

This life,

oh this life...

what is this life?

I could not be more grateful for each and every moment.

I know it did not begin this way.

I know it was a long long time of trying,

trying and trying, 

and sometimes failing.

Redirection and constant change,

following my compass in every direction until I found this place I call home.

Yes, the East will always hold a gigantic peace of me,

but I know truly that the West is my home.

Each and every sunset reminds me of the majestic finish to a day,

whatever type of day...plain and ordinary, or something else.

And I can't imagine life without that,

and I'm as addicted to it as I'll ever be to anything.

After so much turmoil,

and hoping,

and planning,

and stressing,

and wondering,

and waiting...

I have an indescribable peacefulness,

that overwhelms any other emotion,

at least for now.

So please do think of me from time to time,

don't forget about the long conversations we shared.

But don't worry that it was supposed to happen a different way.

Because know I am where I am and you are where you are,

and this was how it was always to end.

With a wistful hopefulness that our paths may cross in the future.

You taught me about a side of myself I never knew existed,

and you have my deepest gratitude.

I will always have a place for you,

and  you'll find your way into my thoughts during the quietest moments.

But understand why I could not trade anything to change this future.

Understand that this was inevitable as the sun rises.

I might not understand everything,

but this is one thing I am quite certain of.

We walk in separate directions and never again glance backwards.

Anyways,

I hope you remember that it all matters.

Keep the motivation alive,

keep striving towards your goals,

never lose that.

Patience, although hard at times to obtain,

is important in gaining perspectives,

as I've said before.

Don't forget to practice love always,

even though I wish you were here with me instead,

it's important to keep an open heart.

And enjoy the beauty that surrounds this world.

Every day is a gift,

and life is shorter then we hope for.

Attitude is a choice,

so choose to be optimistic and attentive.

Live with integrity,

because people will admire and respect you for it.

Appreciate the little things in your life,

because you never know when the last time will be the last time.

You'll find that if you live this way,

you'll see a profound change,

and just believe me when I say,

it's the sweetest feeling you'll ever experience,

and it's all completely worth it.

I want this for you,

because once you realize your dreams,

and everything comes into focus,

you'll know this feeling that I have.

and even though we are miles apart,

 you will understand why these choices were so important for me to make.

Cause after all,

when you get to the core of everything,

we are all just trying to be a little more understood.

“The best love is the kind that weakens the soul, that makes us reach for more. That plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds.”