"Have I ever shown you all my heart. For all I owe you, where would I start? A lifetime to count the ways wouldn't be enough to say That I thought that you should know How much you've helped me grow. And I wanna thank you. I wanna tell you this, For all of your selflessness. Thank you."

“I understand that if you have never suffered a broken heart, then you have never really known what it is to truly be alive. And I understand that at that precise moment, when your heart breaks open, that all you want to do is lay down and die! Because you know that is the only way the pain is ever going to stop.” 

...with every breath in my body, the sweetest surrender 
is losing myself in all that you are.

Holy water from my own veins, 
come and save me where I lay. 
All this longing for beauty unnamed. 
It has broken me open to welcome the hope that you bring.

It's all like a dream. Everything is ecstasy, inside. We just don't know it because of our thinking-minds. But in our true blissful essence of mind is known that everything is alright forever and forever and forever. Close your eyes, let your hands and nerve-ends drop, stop breathing for 3 seconds, listen to the silence inside the illusion of the world, and you will remember the lesson you forgot, which was taught in immense milky way soft cloud innumerable worlds long ago and not even at all. It is all one vast awakened thing. I call it the golden eternity. It is perfect. We were never really born, we will never really die. It has nothing to do with the imaginary idea of a personal self, other selves, many selves everywhere: Self is only an idea, a mortal idea. That which passes into everything is one thing. It's a dream already ended. There's nothing to be afraid of and nothing to be glad about. 

Sometimes it becomes impossible to pull the thoughts out of your head,

because it's a jumbled mess...and nothing can be sorted into the usual categories.

This impossible chore, to illustrate the many emotions with limited vocabulary.

This is what I think...sometimes its just more complex,

sometimes it just cannot be said in a way that even makes anything understandable.

But never-mind that anyways,

because really it still matters-whether its put into words or not.

And things that have always been important: beauty, love, transformation...

those are the things that are still ever so important, 
even without reminders...

it all drags on and blends together, 
and that is the illusion, life being life.

stability, consistency, ordinary.

I'm starving for the adventure, the unknown, the food that fed the appetite of a wanderer.

Forgetting that it was a dose of healthy fear that kept  sanity and a perspective.

It melts together into nothing, and I begin to hate what it now is.

But then forget what I hate, 
and forget how it used to work.

the deal I made with the universe, instant karma
...setting impossible goals and achieving them.

I refuse to let life dictate me.

I am the master and commander of my own destiny.

Because I know that it all matters.

and I know that you HAVE to appreciate the beauty,

and incorporate love.

Because honestly, without beauty and love ...

you are nothing.

I'm reminded of this by a certain feeling.

Its an odd feeling, like a bubble of air filling my chest and my teeth go numb.
Thats when i know it's real bad, when I feel my teeth go numb.

People talk about heart ache and heart break,

and I understand what they say.

That feeling of where you literally cannot breathe or think rationally, 

it feels like something heavy was dropped on top of you,

where you feel like you are made of cement and weight thousands of pounds, immovable...

but mostly the pain that consumes every part of you, blinding honest pain.

And it feels like the death of your soul.

like something is literally ripping and tearing your insides into tiny pieces,

and the overwhelming emptiness of a lonely heart is left behind.

This is to remind me to feel alive, to be alive, to know that life is happening.

To find that nothing is how you thought it was, and everything is different from what you wanted it to be.

But if you were really honest with yourself 
then you would admit that you knew from the beginning.

Why is it always easier in my perception,

why is reality so fucking cruel?

It never had to be the way it was, but it is what it is.

And in a sick masochistic way you're thankful for the reality check.

The feeling of complete emptiness to jolt you back into real life.

The feeling of being woken up in the middle of a really good dream.

I never ever thought life was going to be this hard.

You can choose to feel and endure the heartaches and heartbreaks,

you can choose to love hard and live adventurously,

and embrace disappointment as an opportunity to transform,
into the person that you always knew you wanted to be,
to maximize capabilities.

Or you can just be complacent, choose to turn it all off and look the other way.

you can cruise through life on autopilot,

you can pick distraction,

and claim ignorance.

It just doesn't seem fair to me that you have to hurt so hard to find happiness.

The lucky ones are those that just walk along and come across it.

I cannot choose to live my life on autopilot.

I cannot brush it off and claim ignorance,

I cannot find a distraction that works.

So instead I choose to embrace the disappointments.

Every time its the perfect dream where everything makes sense,

wake me up so I can feel whats real.

I choose honesty and I choose responsibility.

I am accountable to the person I am, and I am accountable to become the person I want to be.

Sometimes it just cannot be said in a way that makes anything understandable.

Sometimes I have no words to tell you this.

Its never been easy.

But if you were really honest with yourself,
 then you would admit that you knew from the beginning.

Why is it always easier in my perception,

why is reality so fucking cruel?

It never had to be the way it was, but it is what it is.
but don't forget, it all matters.