“Patience, he thought. So much of this was patience - waiting, and thinking and doing things right. So much of all this, so much of all living was patience and thinking.” -G. Paulsen
Two birds on a wire
One tries to fly away
And the other watches him close from that wire
He says he wants to as well
But he is a liar
I'll believe it all
There's nothing I won't understand
I'll believe it all
I won't let go of your hand
Regina Spektor
If we make it out alive, from the depths of the seas
Compass points you anywhere
Closer to me
Where you are, I will be
Miles high, in the deep
Where you are, I will be
Anywhere, in between
Compass.
It's not easy to know
I'm not anything like I used to be
Although it's true
I was never attention's sweet center
I still remember that girl
She's imperfect but she tries
She is good but she lies
She is hard on herself
She is broken and won't ask for help
She is messy but she's kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up
And baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone but she used to be mine
Sara Bareilles
A long time ago,
back when this all began...
I had a weird moment in time where I actually thought I might be close to the end.
Simply because a string of long lost voices from the past began to reappear in regular intervals.
Which I found to be too strange to be coincidental,
and all in all was rather unsettled by these ghosts reappearing.
I didn't know then that it was a sign of sorts.
Not necessarily of impending doom,
but rather a rebirth of such,
and the beginning of a strange and weird and wonderful transformation.
And tonight,
many years later as I lay here reflecting on life
and it's strange familiarity,
this memory appears out of the quiet,
reminding me of how confusing it all was in the beginning,
and reminding me of how far I have come.
And secondly,
I also wonder if this is how it is for other people all the time.
To exist in a world that paces normally,
and to maintain a habitat that feels natural and honest.
To live without wanting to be somewhere else,
to feel a sense of peacefulness and belonging,
and to wake up every day knowing you're exactly where you're supposed to be.
And the things you do just feel normal,
and all is as it should be,
and it feels like it was always this way.
Maybe it is this way for other people,
would you believe me if I said it's never been this way before?
The East felt so differently it almost impossible to compare.
The sense of conquering and surviving,
each moment essential to the other.
Creating a future,
stringing together experiences to form a coherent life...
Here is less frantic, less desperate.
I just wake up and exist.
No part of me needs to prove myself to myself,
and I don't imagine a world of what could have been.
I think in a way none of this is surprising.
I never thought I wouldn't be in the West.
Yes, it took many more years then I would have liked,
but life had lessons to teach me before it set me free.
And I would never ever trade my experiences in the East,
or discount the family I created in the middle.
But people hope that their life turns out a certain way,
and maybe I just always know it would.
I hoped for time in the East,
I hoped for adventures,
I hoped for experiences...
But this-where I am right now,
I just waited for this to come along,
as patiently as I could possibly muster.
Quietly planning and growing in confidence,
waiting for the right time to take the leap.
I never once doubted that it would be this way eventually.
And now,
a strange anti-climatic end to the long wait.
But I am happier,
truly purely happy.
And this is not to say I haven't been happy before,
but this feels differently, in a way I can't exactly explain right now.
And I only saw one other scenario,
and it was a different path with different obstacles,
and a different ending to this same story.
And while the alternate endings play out deep in my subconscious,
I know that dreams are just that....dreams.
I don't regret this,
because I don't believe in regret.
Redirection is simply an adjustment of expectation.
When life give you lemons...right?
But really you can only control so much,
and the rest you have to count as faith that life will be the right way.
And that expectations just limit dreams,
and fear of the unknown is not an excuse to be complacent.
I want you to know that deep in my soul you remain a part of an alternate future.
And I don't discount the time we shared,
and I have hopefulness we will meet again in the future.
But for now,
I'll let you find me in my dreams and remain a distant fantasy.
Because I'm here now,
and this is the most right thing I have ever done in my whole life.
There's no other scenario that would have brought me here and kept you with me too.
I hope you continue along the way you are going.
And I hope from time to time you think of me too.
You know what I know
and all along we were too similar to ever be compatible.
But the fierceness for following your passion,
was the characteristic I found the most attractive.
To watch you redirect your dream from what seemed like a perfectly crafted future,
to something else that you had to build from the beginning.
I don't know if you are missing what I'm missing,
and I guess in the end it doesn't matter,
as long as you are happy.
If you love something you let it go,
and maybe,
if it's meant to be,
it will come back.
I wish you could know the perfection I have found.
To live in the middle of a bustling city,
decorated in urban landscapes like I've never seen.
But also to look up and see a sky full of stars,
more stars then I have ever seen in my life,
and to hear the quiet sounds of the ocean at night.
To never see my breath in the winter,
to gape in awe at sunset after sunset,
dipping into the endless Pacific.
To be once again in a place where life is really happening around me,
and people bring a sense of diversity and intelligence that continues to teach and surprise me.
I really couldn't have made this happen in this way,
because it's too perfect a scenario to take complete credit for.
But I do know that following your dreams pays off in ways you can't imagine.
Staying true to yourself and fighting the temptation to lean on others,
to saying yes to opportunities that scare the hell out of you,
to being brave and always pushing forward,
never losing momentum.
I wonder if this is how it was for you...
I hope so.
I know I have said this before,
but I will continue to say it again and again.
If only as a reminder to myself and any others who endure my long ramblings.
But I am endlessly thankful for all my blessing.
This life,
oh this life...
what is this life?
I could not be more grateful for each and every moment.
I know it did not begin this way.
I know it was a long long time of trying,
trying and trying,
and sometimes failing.
Redirection and constant change,
following my compass in every direction until I found this place I call home.
Yes, the East will always hold a gigantic peace of me,
but I know truly that the West is my home.
Each and every sunset reminds me of the majestic finish to a day,
whatever type of day...plain and ordinary, or something else.
And I can't imagine life without that,
and I'm as addicted to it as I'll ever be to anything.
After so much turmoil,
and hoping,
and planning,
and stressing,
and wondering,
and waiting...
I have an indescribable peacefulness,
that overwhelms any other emotion,
at least for now.
So please do think of me from time to time,
don't forget about the long conversations we shared.
But don't worry that it was supposed to happen a different way.
Because know I am where I am and you are where you are,
and this was how it was always to end.
With a wistful hopefulness that our paths may cross in the future.
You taught me about a side of myself I never knew existed,
and you have my deepest gratitude.
I will always have a place for you,
and you'll find your way into my thoughts during the quietest moments.
But understand why I could not trade anything to change this future.
Understand that this was inevitable as the sun rises.
I might not understand everything,
but this is one thing I am quite certain of.
We walk in separate directions and never again glance backwards.
Anyways,
I hope you remember that it all matters.
Keep the motivation alive,
keep striving towards your goals,
never lose that.
Patience, although hard at times to obtain,
is important in gaining perspectives,
as I've said before.
Don't forget to practice love always,
even though I wish you were here with me instead,
it's important to keep an open heart.
And enjoy the beauty that surrounds this world.
Every day is a gift,
and life is shorter then we hope for.
Attitude is a choice,
so choose to be optimistic and attentive.
Live with integrity,
because people will admire and respect you for it.
Appreciate the little things in your life,
because you never know when the last time will be the last time.
You'll find that if you live this way,
you'll see a profound change,
and just believe me when I say,
it's the sweetest feeling you'll ever experience,
and it's all completely worth it.
I want this for you,
because once you realize your dreams,
and everything comes into focus,
you'll know this feeling that I have.
and even though we are miles apart,
you will understand why these choices were so important for me to make.
Cause after all,
when you get to the core of everything,
we are all just trying to be a little more understood.
“The best love is the kind that weakens the soul, that makes us reach for more. That plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds.”