"We go toward the softest places to land, and sometimes they are few and far between. I was lucky to find some sort of path that stretched out in front of me, like yellow lines on a freeway, and even luckier to have the feeling that it was going to take me somewhere special..." -Sara Bareilles

****All quotes and Lyrics are Sara Bareilles, because her music and words have changed my life****

"...time does what it always does: softened hard edges." 

“You are overwhelmed and haven’t learned to be your own friend through this yet. You will. Your fear of jumping without a net is so valid, and the trick that you haven’t learned yet is that that’s life, always and everywhere. There are no nets. Life is a big, long free fall, and the sooner you can embrace what is beautiful about that, the sooner you will start to enjoy the ride.” 

"Soon, you will start really writing your own music, and you will see such depth in yourself that you didn't know what there. It will fill you up. You will tell the story of feeling invisible to love, and it will comfort other people who feel the same way, and it will make you feel connected to something bigger than yourself."

"There is something really magical about loving someone, especially in the beginning, when they hijack your whole being and rewrite the synapses of your brain until they are conducting all traffic. It's like everything is seen through the prism of that person, and it somehow makes everything sing."

"Looking back on those early days now, I realize I had no perspective on where my music was headed, but as time passed, the picture revealed itself slowly, slowly, slowly."

Let me unveil to you the honest truth of dream chasing.

And I say this not to throw shade on the the past celebratory musings as of late,

but to give you a painfully honest perspective of someone who lives this way.

And it's been weighing heavily on my mind,

so I must express these thoughts.

There is such an amazing beauty in not settling.

This looks different for different people,

Some people are cursed with the knowing from the very beginning.

They struggle through the challenge of how to "get there."

Climbing high to a dream that sits at an impossible altitude.

Through sheer determination and hard work and a splash of luck they find themselves at the top.

Others are cursed with not knowing,

but the fire and passion to engage in the search.

Instead of knowing what direction to head,

they only know what direction NOT to go...

and this leaves them running down all kinds of paths searching for the place that feels right,

the place that feels like home.

I used to be completely convinced 100% that this was a choice.

People can choose to settle,

people can choose to explore and adventure...

Now I have the tendency to believe this is not a choice.

This is something that is built deep into the workings of who we are as people.

The very basic design of our human makeup,

the things that make us who we are.

I wish this was a choice,

and I could say that I choose this way.

But really it becomes about survival.

Keeping the soul alive,

feeding the spiritual need to engage in the journey,

because everything that is the essence of everything dies a suffocating death.

And something deeply personal,

I have been sad lately.

And when I dug into the core of my feelings,

I realized the sadness was not sprung from missing the familiar,

missing the people and places that built a home,

but rather the sadness has a different source.

It comes from the realization that I do not have those achingly homesick feelings,

and the sadness comes from knowing I am not missing.

Which is only further evidence that it was always meant to be this way.

And there was always a separation,

invisible walls built up to keep me out,

and divide.

And the confirmation that this feels so right,

is also the confirmation that it had to be this way.

Don't discount my gratitude for my situation.

I have run down every path laid before me and finally reached a place called home.

And this is a great accomplishment.

But perhaps a tiny part lived inside that thought maybe things were never meant to be this way.

That maybe I would loop back around and see myself as someone who needed a journey,

but would safely end up back among friends.

Instead,

here I am...

living in a foreign paradise,

without a single tinge of remorse, regret, or sorrow.

Only sorrow for what is not felt.

I think it's also important to remember that life is going have continual ups and downs.

And even though it feels like a conclusion,

life is not done,

and the story is not over.

Even when you can look behind you and see clear progress and a sensible progression,

really life can never truly be predictable.

If you continue to live with an openness that allows your story to unfold as it should,

you'll see that crazy things lie ahead.

Some predictable,

others that will knock you off your feet.

And when you feel tired,

which you will feel...

that exhaustion from trying and trying to be a better version,

and to align yourself correctly,

and to keep pushing yourself forward,

father from your comfort zone,

creating new comfort zones...

when you feel tired remember-

that nothing in life comes easy.

And it shouldn't.

Because there are lessons in the challenges.

Opportunities for growth.

Life is pointless without self-improvement.

The minute you stop trying,

you stop feeding the need to develop into a better human being,

and to leave behind a respectable footprint on this early,

and a legacy,

is the moment that life becomes stagnant.

Where complacency becomes reality,

and you settle. 

And I promise you this...

I will never, NEVER settle.

I would rather be done with this round of living before I settled.

It's a fight I won't surrender.

So remember that momentum is important,

but keep searching for the meanings of things.

Don't accept the first answer that falls into your laps,

but search out purpose.

Look back at the great struggles of the people you respect and admire most.

They had a fire that never burned out,

they continued to work and evolve,

even when they were exhausted,

even when it seemed like the odds were stacked against them,

even when nothing about moving forward made sense.

They rose to victory from a pile of disappointments.

This is what it takes to be great.

This is what it takes to grow.

This is what is takes to achieve.

And this is the definition of chasing your dreams.

I wish I could promise to you that you will find yourself at the end someday.

Where everything makes perfect sense,

and everything feels just the way it should be.

But know it probably won't be that way.

You will have to keep chasing,

keep progressing,

and you might find yourself on the other side of the wall a lot.

And as you grow in understanding  you might be sad,

and that's okay,

because I promise you the alternative would bring a deeper sadness then you could handle.

And you probably won't be "great" but follow the examples that are set for you.

It's necessary to celebrate victory,

but don't stop trying.

Because it's the trying that makes you who you are,

and it's your truest self.

Even though life and living has never been this good before,

take this opportunity to level up and dream bigger then you ever have.

Set goals with a little more confidence that you will achieve them.

You're life is meant to be lived like this,

and even though you fight to be understood,

you have to accept that it may just be this way for you,

and its okay if people can't understand that.

It's those that reach a little further outside the box that achieve unexpected results.

It all matters,

and please don't forget to love. 

I've been down, I've been out 
I did it all on my own 
Seems growing up 
Didn't take long 
I feel strange, I feel good 
I feel better with you 
You've changed, you should 
Cause I think I did too 

Made my mistakes 
I did a few things right 
But it will take what it will take 
Baby, that's life 
You cannot change what you do not own 
Everybody knows 
But if you live deep and love strong 
You get pretty damn close 

It moves fast and it scares me 
I close my eyes, oh but I still see 

I'm fading in and out 
What are you supposed to do save me know 
From all of this danger you don't know how 
And I'll find my way out 
When I'm in the red 

“Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it's not because they enjoy solitude. It's because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.”

“It was one thing to make a mistake; it was another thing to keep making it. I knew what happened when you let yourself get close to someone, when you started to believe they loved you: you'd be disappointed. Depend on someone, and you might as well admit you're going to be crushed, because when you really needed them, they wouldn't be there. Either that, or you'd confide in them and you added to their problems."

“That was the day my whole world went black. Air looked black. Sun looked black. I laid up in bed and stared at the black walls of my house….Took three months before I even looked out the window, see the world still there. I was surprised to see the world didn’t stop.” 

Goodbye
Should be sayin' that to you by now, shouldn't I?
Layin' down the law that I live by,
Though maybe next time

I've got a thick tongue,
Brimming with the words that go unsung
Simmer then the burn for a someone,
A wrong one

And I tell myself to let the story end,
My heart will rest in someone else's hand
My 'why not me?' philosophy began,
And I say...

I've stopped trying to create happiness, and instead have put my energy into practicing love. This has changed my life in a profound way.

Life has been moving at a slower pace than usual,

and if feels like the typical calm before the storm.

I know a lot of things are ahead,

looming on the horizon,

right before me. 

I'm woke up in the middle of the night,

frantic, panicked.

I think about the last five years,

and what's brought me too this point.

Its absolutely overwhelming but yet perfectly strategic.

Every course mapped out carefully,

and a never ending bucket list that continues to transform.

And most of it is not saying the things that need to be said.

Trying to bottle and filter the appropriate things.

And keeping close what needs to be kept silent.

I've been thinking a lot about trust.

It's the a powerful force,

binding each other together.

As necessary as love and breathing.

It can be built so strong,

like a fortress...

metaphorical bricks stacked together.

And it is so easily shattered.

How can something that is so strong

be destroyed so easily?

That I may never understand.

Believe strongly in second chances

But practice first being open minded.

Closing your door to opportunities will only create a narrow perspective.

It will limit possibilities.

Being open and fair with your heart and mind

and this will build unity and tolerance.

Celebrate differences and compare similarities.

Build strong fortresses,

but don't waste time rebuilding.

Know that character shines brighter than the sun.

Don't be purposefully ignorant about character judgement.

Practice listening to your gut,

give attention to instinct.

Because if you choose to ignore the obvious signs,

you are choosing to create a falsehood.

And why would you want to fill yourself with a fantasy.

I think it's important to distinguish between fantasy and dreaming.

Dreamers focus on the possible,

they aim a little higher,

and struggle to reach just outside the comfort zone,

to become bigger,

to experience,

to transform.

Fantasy is more so trying to alter your reality.

Its fictional,

inconceivable.

Live in the dreamers world.

Set goals and obtain life points.

Create a life that is meaningful.

Be a person who is actively trying to improve.

Resist the fantasy of dissolving reality

and accepting falsehoods as truth.

Because in the end you will always be destroyed when you build your fortress out of falsehood.

The trust will shatter in an instant.

I was told always let your yes be yes and your no a no.

Don't make promises you can't keep,

don't make promises you don't intend to keep.

Because ultimately you are showcasing integrity.

A proud name tag labeling your character.

Do you want your integrity to be filled with half truths and false promises?

Or do you want to grow as someone honorable,

dependable,

reliable,

trust worthy...

I've made mistakes in the past,

building a fortress made of falsehood.

Through harsh reality I learned the difference between dreaming and fantasy.

I want an admirable integrity.

I want my promises to hold merit,

I want my words to remain as structurally sound truths.

I do not want to waste time with those who contain themselves.

Who speak empty words of things that will never come to pass.

I don't want to be warped by other's fantasies,

and I will not watch walls crumble into dust.

Because I know the importance of trust.

And character becomes apparent so quickly.

But I don't fault you completely because it's never one sided.

It's always three sided.

But you can't spend time dwelling on the past.

You must persevere forward into the unknown.

And keep your fantasy at minimum,

so you can maximize dreams.

So you can obtain the greatness you desire,

so you can embark on the adventures that lie ahead,

and you can build relationships with those that you deserve.

You'll find if you stop trying to create happiness,

and start practicing love...

you will transform your life greatly.

And those that live in the "what ifs" and "when I" s... will drift father in the rear view.

Don't you know...

you will only change your situation if you take active steps to do so.

I don't live with regrets,

because experience creates transformation.

Those hard things your suffer through make way to the triumphs.

But I live with scars and battle wounds,

of learning life's hard lessons.

This is what it means be an active participant in life.

This is what it means to create a better version of self.

So please know this is the end of road for falsehoods and fantasies.

I will live in the here and now,

operating in the present and actively showcasing an integrity that I am proud of.

Time is so valuable,

much too valuable for falsehood.

So understand I mean what I say,

and I expect the same from others.

I will continue to grow,

i will make mistakes,

but I will only recover stronger.

And love is always more powerful than any opposition.

It is the concrete for a strong fortress of trust.

And it all matters.

"Hey, brother, do you still believe in one another? Hey, sister, do you still believe in love I wonder? Oh, if the sky comes falling down for you There’s nothing in this world I wouldn't do..."

 "I'm in love with you, and I'm not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasure of saying true things. I'm in love with you, and I know that love is just a shout into the void, and that oblivion is inevitable, and that we're all doomed and that there will come a day when all our labor has been returned to dust, and I know the sun will swallow the only earth we'll ever have, and I am in love with you.” 

"I pray to be like the ocean, with soft currents, maybe waves at times. More and more, I want the consistency rather than the highs and the lows."

In the morning it comes, heaven sent a hurricane
Not a trace of the sun but I don't even run from rain
Beating out of my chest, my heart is holding on to you
From the moment I knew
From the moment I knew

You are the air in my breath filling up my love soaked lungs
Such a beautiful mess intertwined and overrun
Nothing better than this, oh, and then the storm can come
You feel just like the sun

 

"God, give me grace to accept with serenity

the things that cannot be changed,

Courage to change the things

which should be changed,

and the Wisdom to distinguish

the one from the other.

Living one day at a time,

Enjoying one moment at a time,

Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace."

SUCH A BEAUTIFUL MESS INTERTWINED AND OVERRUN

Trying to find words for anything lately has been a struggle.

Life evolves as rapidly as ever, and sometimes the events that transpire leaves one speechless.

This last month has brought many experiences:

travel, adventure, new friends, old friends, birthdays, celebrations, family, engagements, long walks, relationships, broken hearts, mended hearts, change, responsibility, decision, love, the possibility of love, loss, pain, hope, moving away, choosing to remain, ultimate sadness.

Events compounding on another and coming at a rapid fire pace.

Yet through it all that beautiful transformation and evolution of self.

Let me try to explain to you how its been.

I never understood love, and maybe I never will.

But I continue to see life revolve around love as the Earth to the sun.

Every place and everything and every event and every person fueled by this,

the ultimate motivator.

To experience it the way I experienced it was a newness.

So many elements involving trust, compromise, hopefulness, commitment.

Thank you for widening my perspective on people,

and allowing it all to happen in the natural way,

offering a love, offering a newness,

and accepting what is deserved.

Ultimately it's all about using the experience to create a better version.

This is exactly what happens when you open your heart and allow a vulnerability.

To allow one to be observed and appreciated in this way is nothing other than love.

And maybe July is the new December,

and instead of snow there will be fireworks.

Maybe in the quiet moments you fill the empty spaces,

wandering gently into my head.

And it will also be something I look back fondly upon always.

Also about life...

let me remind you again: never underestimate any moment.

This has been said, but deserves to be restated.

Each moment is a gift, each day is a fresh start, a second chance.

Remember that nothing is deserved, nothing should be taken for granted.

To explain this individual to another:

This is why one cannot rest,

why one must continue working towards the next adventure,

why one cannot be complacent and settle,

why one must make sacrifices and endure the uncomfortable side effects of change.

Because when it's over and when everything ends,

what's left is a legacy... 

Your legacy doesn't have to be greatness,

it doesn't have to be written in history books, or scoreboards.

Rather just create the legacy that you want.

Don't compromise to fit within the standards of how you are supposed to live.

No one knows the right way to live.

But the point is to do your best to be a person that leaves an honesty behind.

That demonstrated the true virtues of what really was,

that strives to appreciate beauty in every moment,

that struggles to understand love,

that is constantly transforming to be a better version of self.

This is the legacy I want to leave.

Life does not get easier or harder,

rather each one of us grows weary or energetic at times.

We struggle to adapt and fight to keep control.

Lately time has not been as relevant.

Everyone speaks about this stage of life, and I'm growing closer to understanding.

Although it doesn't bring about the changes and desires within that were promised.

I still want the same things I've always wanted,

but its simply easier to obtain,

easier to grow in patience,

harder to be hopeful,

easier to reach the goals,

harder to make new ones.

I remain the person I started, even though things have been fine tuned,

even though I'm far from that person.

Live without regrets,

need I remind you again that each moment is undeserved.

Live as though every day is your last.

Don't leave things unsaid,

don't hold anger towards others,

don't miss moments of beauty,

appreciate your self,

search for love.

the balance of the natural rhythms of life are tricky always.

It can feel heavy at times.

But be brave,

be patient with others,

be open to love.

Build your legacy.

Don't forget that it all matters .