"You can't call it an adventure unless it's tinged with danger. The greatest danger in life, though, is not taking the adventure at all. To have the objective of a life of ease is death. I think we've all got to go after our own Everest."

Put us back together

You said, it's forever

But I know you're pretending

I don't care, I'd let you take it

All again

And I just wanna love you

Don't wanna lose me

Don't wanna lose you

C. Perri

NYC

I reach for you

But you were gone

I knew I had to go back home

You searched the world for something else

To make you feel like what we had

And in the end in wonderland we both went mad

Oh, we found wonderland

You and I got lost in it

And we pretended it could last forever

T. Swift

BOSTON

“There are stars in the night sky that look brighter than the others, and when you look at them through a telescope you realize you are looking at twins. The two stars rotate around each other, sometimes taking nearly a hundred years to do it. They create so much gravitational pull there's no room around for anything else. You might see a blue star, for example, and realize only later that it has a white dwarf as a companion - that first one shines so bright, by the time you notice the second one, it's too late.” 
― Jodi Picoult, My Sister's Keeper

CHICAGO

Hands, put your empty hands in mine
And scars, show me all the scars you hide
And hey, if your wings are broken
Please take mine so yours can open too
'Cause I'm gonna stand by you
Oh, tears make kaleidoscopes in your eyes
And hurt, I know you're hurting, but so am I
And love, if your wings are broken
Borrow mine so yours can open too
'Cause I'm gonna stand by you

R. Platten

SAN FRANCISCO

"Even if we can't find heaven, I'll walk through hell with you
Love, you're not alone, 'cause I'm gonna stand by you."

It's funny how life shifts around sometimes,'

doesn't it always feel like we are on a tilted scale.

Just as one thing is lost and the scale begins to tip,

another something comes along to even it all out,

and in a way you're right back where you started.

Balanced.

But nothing is the same as before.

I've been thinking about a lot lately.

And what it all means,

per my usual.

Feeling such an ease about the upcoming transition.

Discovering messages from my past self,

encouraging me to chase dreams and head West.

The biggest check mark on the list so far,

and so meaningful.

Literally it's a dream come true,

and I cannot wait until life is filled with landscapes of ocean sunsets.

All of it feels more like a new beginning then a transition.

Always and forever blessed by the footprints in my wake.

The strongest of bonds created in unexpected time.

The appreciation for people and moments,

even until the very end.

Things will shift and slide around,

my scale will waiver,

but in the end it will all be balanced out exactly as it should be.

Grateful for new inspiration that has come along.

Been clinging helplessly to old inspiration,

and it was damaging in a way,

but hard to let it all fall away as it should.

Maybe it will come back around again.

Like I've said before,

those in your past that are meant to stay in your life,

will reappear in your future.

I will show respect for the light that guided me along,

but celebrate the new opportunity to build inspiration,

endlessly grateful.

You came along at exactly the right time.

But isn't that the way it's been for a while now.

Remaining open and honest,

living hard and living for the present,

even when each day changes like the weather,

stormy sometimes,

clear and bright at other times.

I've found more and more pieces are being added,

and the bigger picture,

for now,

is finally coherent and apparent.

Everyone is hitting milestones.

Celebrations of love and life have scattered my past years,

and I wouldn't have wanted to miss any of it.

But my path goes a different way,

and now I celebrate my milestone,

of wandering and adventure.

The things I've always dreamed about since I was little.

Forcing the normal life goals into the backseat,

remaining focused on the open road.

I hope most that this adventure yields clarity and understanding.

I hope that I can remain as hopeful and brave as i forage through new territories.

I hope that I can continue to appreciate others,

and build new relationships

and build new consistencies.

Life is the greatest adventure,

and its meant to be lived fearlessly, honestly, and entirely.

Never forget that we are meant to be here,

and fight to leave the legacy behind.

I can't help but to know that sometime great lies just head,

and I will push onward,

appreciating every beautiful moment that brings me toward it,

whether big or small.

I will speak up and say the things I need to say,

and I will grow in my understanding and tolerance of others.

Because people are a beautiful blessing,

even when it seems bleak,

human connected-ness is the underlying force.

I never thought i'd know so many different people,

and each one leaving something for me to ponder.

Absorbing other ways of living,

growing through other ways of thinking.

I'm thankful for everyone that has contributed to the transformation.

I know that however things all fall into place,

whether predictable or surprising,

I'm at peace with the process.

Things that seem easy now,

will unravel quickly and morph into the unexpected,

but I can weather the storm.

What I've come out of has only taught me to persevere,

to never say never,

to never say always,

to give second chances,

to explore outside my comfort zone,

and to turn every regret into a teachable moment.

I'm indebted to the EAST,

I'm grateful for the MIDDLE,

and I'm passionate about the WEST.

It's a beautiful thing to live this way,

and even with the sadness of all the leaving,

there's a comfort in all the new beginnings.

Don't feel like you are lost to me,

but rather know that now it must be the way it is,

and I have to continue to transform into a better version of self,

and that part of a new beginning is wiping the slate clean.

The easy way is not always the right way,

and sometimes out of the greatest struggles

emerges a great character development opportunity.

So I will strive to seek the beauty in the moment,

continue to live with a passion for adventure,

always take the opportunities presented too me,

maintain important relationships,

and hope we will meet again the future.

Because we might only get one shot at this life,

and I don't want to waste a minute.

Good-byes and hellos will be spoken,

and it's all clear with time and perspective.

So always remember the importance of dream chasing,

even when it seems impossibly grand,

it's possible,

and worth the chance, because you just never know.

But be ready always to shift direction,

and remain an observer of the bigger picture,

and live with integrity.

Welcome change, but navigate wisely.

Don't ever give up because it's too hard.

Love hard,

transform constantly,

never settle.

Show respect for the process,

move forward bravely.

Struggle through the complicated parts,

because you know...

a beautiful strength is found in simply surviving the trials of life.

"And now, in this time and place, I realize simply that long ago is just a phrase... it sits on a dusty self, just out of reach and taunting me as I go about things. Second chances are past and all that's left is the nitty gritty present of my existence. And I add tiny sticks to keep the fire of hope alive. Because great adventures live on through anything." 8.19.2013

"Creativity itself doesn't care at all about results - the only thing it craves is the process. Learn to love the process and let whatever happens next happen, without fussing too much about it. Work like a monk, or a mule, or some other representative metaphor for diligence. Love the work. Destiny will do what it wants with you, regardless." 

-Elizabeth Gilbert

The sun is filling up the room
And I can hear you dreaming
Do you feel the way I do right now?
I wish we would just give up
Cause the best part is falling
Call it anything but love

And I will make sure to keep my distance
Say, "I love you," when you're not listening

Christina. Perri.

“I've apparently been the victim of growing up, which apparently happens to all of us at one point or another. It's been going on for quite some time now, without me knowing it. I've found that growing up can mean a lot of things. For me, it doesn't mean I should become somebody completely new and stop loving the things I used to love. It means I've just added more things to my list."

-Taylor Swift

Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And everything you do,
Yeah, they were all yellow.

I came along,
I wrote a song for you,
And all the things you do,
And it was called "Yellow".

So then I took my turn,
Oh what a thing to have done,
And it was all yellow.

So therefore I dedicate myself, to my art, my sleep, my dreams, my labors, my suffrances, my loneliness, my unique madness, my endless absorption and hunger because I cannot dedicate myself to any fellow being.

Jack.Kerouac

It's hardest to understand truths when everything seems to be perfect.

When the past fits neatly into a box,

packaged up and packed away nicely.

And the present feels like a peaceful reality,

and the future stretches ahead patiently before you.

You forget the path that you wandered down that brought you to an inevitable outcome,

because its all exactly how you imagined it to be.

In a way none of it surprises me,

and all the same I'm completely taken off guard.

And i'm doused in love and hopefulness.

It feels as though this was everything before and everything ahead of me always,

and blessing seem too numerous to count.

Constantly gracious and grateful for every day and every moment,

opportunity dancing before me,

and everything is just within my grasp.

What a change from the flailing impatience of the past.

The disorienting unknowns that made up each day...

but here I am nonetheless,

and it is hardest to remember the truths.

This all started years ago,

and I worried about bravery,

and I worried about patience,

and I worried I would never understand love.

Transform anonymously,

tiny adjustments to perspective,

and a hearty helping of triumphs and challenges.

But here I am.

With no resistance in a perfect idea of how life should be.

And the only thing stretching before me is the West,

and the ocean,

and complete freedom.

Unspeakably fortunate for this part,

the here and now.

So thankful for the choices in the past that brought me exactly to where I am.

I never thought it would really be like this,

and it's fully liberating to be in this much control,

and yet maintaining a lifestyle of whimsical dream chasing.

I'm hopeful because it's easy,

I'm grateful because the blessings are numerous,

I'm brave because I'm surrounded by an army,

I appreciate beauty.

I practice love.

When I look back at it,

I don't wonder...

I know for absolute certain this was the point of it all.

To find this harmonious balance,

to grasp this wanderlust and build a life towering with adventures,

and new beginnings,

and unexplored places.

To learn and to love the people in it,

and to live each day making everything count,

because really it all matters.

Someday I'll understand the journey,

or maybe I wont...

But I'll know it was all supposed to fall into place in this moment in time,

just the way it has.

And tonight I thought about Escapism.

All the parts previous,

and I wonder what I was running from,

and I think about how home always builds itself int he most surprising places,

and how much I carry with me,

and all the adventures and the streets that taught me about life.

The people along the way,

and how beautiful and perfect it can be to laugh

and laugh.

Always when you think it might not be this way again,

it recreates itself and the list of things to be grateful for lengthens.

I think about the greats that traveled down this road before me,

and I'm closer to understanding it all.

I wonder if it was like this for them too,

and when they saw the gold sunrise on an open road,

if they felt the sense of peace that I have.

And the good company they maintained,

and the stories they told,

and the new experiences they had along the way.

What a perfect life of a wanderer.

Never taking anything foregranted,

because everything changes so quickly.

And how some things will never change,

and they will remain with me,

carried close to my heart.

A harsh reminder of reality,

and how the easy choices are not always the most fruitful ones.

And it's the hard decisions that create beautiful transformations.

I wouldn't have done it differently,

and I realize this now.

But always there's a time when my mind wanders back.

And I know the "what could have been" doesn't matter anymore.

Because what's done is done and its put me here.

I hope that you understand what I mean.

I hope you truly realize what i'm saying about it all.

It may never be the same for you,

because each person creates a unique experience.

I will never know how it would have played out,

but I had to be where I'm at.

Because even in perfect there is truth.

And that is the most powerful things to understand.

Easy when you're battling demons,

and up against impossible situations.

Harder when everything is in it's right place.

You must continue to go the direction you are going,

and I will continue along my own way.

Maybe down the road the paths will cross again,

but for now I hope that your truths remain relevant.

I hope you can  see through all the parts in the past,

and dig around for your own memories to hold close.

I will choose to remember you the way it was,

and allow myself room to grow on my own.

It has to be this way,

even if you don't understand it.

Because it all matters so greatly,

and everything builds on itself and happens for the right reasons.

Its ironic to surrounded with so much love,

and to be so void of it.

But there is perfection in imperfection,

and I have no complaints.

I'm carrying on down the path west,

with the hopefulness, and bravery, and patience that I learned in the East.

I will appreciate every speck of beauty,

and keep the past in the past.

Because those things that have disappeared will reappear if that is what is meant to be.

Gratitude.

Adventure.

Transformation.

It all matters,

So maintain the peacefulness in your present,

and find solace in knowing that you're exactly where you need to be.

I told her, "I love the view from up here Warm sun and wind in my ear We'll watch the world from above As it turns to the rhythm of love. We may only have tonight But till the morning sun, you're mine..."

“I am collecting the lessons each faction has to teach me, and storing them in my mind like a guidebook for moving through the world. There is always something to learn, always something that is important to understand." -Veronica Roth

“But even so, amid the tornado-ed Atlantic of my being, do I myself still for ever centrally disport in mute calm; and while ponderous planets of unwaning woe revolve round me, deep down and deep inland there I still bathe me in eternal mildness of joy.” 
― Herman Melville, Moby Dick

“Dusk is just an illusion because the sun is either above the horizon or below it. And that means that day and night are linked in a way that few things are there cannot be one without the other yet they cannot exist at the same time. How would it feel I remember wondering to be always together yet forever apart?” 

Take me into your loving arms
Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars
Oh, darling, place your head on my beating heart
I'm thinking out loud
That maybe we found love right where we are.

Lessons in leaving...

Been procrastinating this post,

uncertain of how to wade through the jumble of thoughts and feelings.

And with change on the horizon I can't help but to feel that familiar sense of excitement.

Finally freeing myself of the current situation of here and now.

Resuming the journey into an unknown,

after a long hiatus...

and the comfort of being submerged in the known.

And I walk the way my compass points,

heading west,

leaving the east of my past behind.

And it feels weird to not long for the concrete jungle.

As if one switch was turned off as another was turned on.

Day dreams of palm trees, sandy beaches, and the magnificent ocean,

stretching endlessly on my horizon.

And the greatest adventures are birthed from the journey.

And home is where the road is,

always making certain to keep patience and practice bravery.

Always stopping to appreciate beauty along the way.

And when I really think about leaving,

and the art of saying goodbye,

I've learned to appreciate every single moment,

and enjoy every single relationship.

I take nothing for-granted,

because in the end life is short and you don't control the time.

I've let life teach me the lessons I need to learn,

to equip myself for the challenging unknown.

And as I have said before,

I trust that the relationships in my past will reappear in the future,

if this is the way it is meant to be.

And I have checked another box on the bucket list.

I have waited and waited and waited,

learning patience and simplicity.

I have practiced the lifestyle of staying.

I have played hard,

and seized all the opportunity that has laid in my path.

But the time is finally here,

and I'm venturing forward.

And I will gaze into the last two years with sweet nostalgia.

I will not regret the moments that didn't make sense,

and I will not count the time as wasteful.

I have endured the challenge of staying.

And this was difficult.

Where most people find this a common practice,

it was just as foreign as when I first stepped off the plane.

And when I look back on it I'm eternally grateful for all my blessings.

And the people I met,

and the friends I made,

have birthed a new hope for me.

That people are inherently good,

and they treat each other kindly.

They support each other through the hard times,

and celebrate with each other through the good times.

The support that has been showed to me,

just reinforces that people here and people there are the same.

That everyone works to make the best hand with the cards they are dealt.

And it's never too late to build lasting relationships,

and even in familiar settings,

quiet conversation can bring loud realizations.

And I founds friends here that are instant family.

And we didn't have to put in years and years of drama and struggle,

we didn't build a common past,

we didn't share acquaintances.

We lived invincibly in the here and now.

Intensely present in the current,

working towards a common future.

To find a way to let life create a comfort,

but in each way unique to the individual.

And my friends have shown me,

we can accept each other despite differences,

and that lightheartedness is important for maintaining sanity.

And I will miss them terribly when I leave,

but I will know that every single moment was appreciated.
And not a single thing was taken for-granted.

And I will cherish the time,

 the games, the play dates, the bonfires. the dinners, the parties,

the dancing, and laughing, the engagements, and weddings,

and house renovations, and lazy summer days,

Because every moment in life has a purpose,

a piece of the puzzle to complete the bigger purpose.

And we can't always tell in the moment exactly what that will look like,

but when you make progress and step back,

you see it all fitting together exactly how it's supposed to be.

This wasn't the same as the journey East,

and it certainly won't be the same as the journey West,

but for the time being,

this was exactly there I needed to be.

Here in the middle,

practicing the life lessons I learned.

Perfecting patience, and gathering strength to complete the journey.

Remembering to love,

and being open to second chances,

and to soak up the feeling of being safe,

and belonging to the same address for a year.

To wait for the right opportunity,

and to not rush through the present.

And to celebrate with my family,

and to grow closer to those in my past.

Its been good,

better than I ever imagined.

And while I am ecstatic to head onward,

I will not discount the pieces of the puzzle that fell into place here.

West Coast, I'm coming for you...

And change, I'm welcoming you...

Be brave. Practice love,

and don't forget...it all matters. 

“So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future.”

“There are certain queer times and occasions in this strange mixed affair we call life when a man takes this whole universe for avast practical joke, though the wit thereof he but dimly discerns, and more than suspects that the joke is at nobody's expense but his own. However, nothing dispirits, and nothing seems worth while disputing. He bolts down all events, all creeds, and beliefs, and persuasions, all hard things visible and invisible, never mind how knobby; as an ostrich of potent digestion gobbles down bullets and gun flints. And as for small difficulties and worryings, prospects of sudden disaster, peril of life and limb; all these, and death itself, seem to him only sly, good-natured hits, and jolly punches in the side bestowed by the unseen and unaccountable old joker. That odd sort of wayward mood I am am speaking of, comes over a man only in some time of extreme tribulation; it comes in the very midst of his earnestness, so that what just before might have seemed to him a thing most momentous, now seems but a part of the general joke.” 

― Herman Melville, Moby Dick

But we both know how,
How we're gonna make it work when it hurts,
When you pick yourself up,
You get kicked to the dirt,

Trying to make it work but,
Man, these times are hard,

But we're gonna start by
Drinking old cheap bottles of wine

“It’s not about the things he gave us, Carine,” he said softly. “It’s about the memories. You can’t touch those with your hands. Everything you can touch with your hands is just stuff.” 
― Carine McCandless, The Wild Truth

Dear city. Thank you for the raw honesty you forced. Thank you for the strange adventures and the unfamiliar faces. Thank you for creating a quiet unbreakable strength. Thank you for the opportunity of transformation. Thank you accepting with open arms. Thank you for creating an inner fight for all to be understood.

_{“I always try to play characters who are very different from what I am. If the character was a good swimmer or a diver, I’d be interested because in my real life, I am totally scared of water. I would immediately feel compelled to do it because I’m always trying to tackle any fear I have. I don’t want my life to be controlled by fear, whether it’s the fear of being rejected, fear of being loved; I want to run my life with open arms. Also, I never want to play the same character twice. To me, that’s soul crushing.” -Jessica Chastain}

So many things running through my head lately,

and i'll do my best to connect the dots in a clear coherent fashion.

Sometimes I think I have an insatiable appetite for inspiration.

Searching for it in all the usual ways,

but appearing in the most surprising places.

I've never known everything to be exactly as it seems,

and that's okay-because it keeps you accountable to life.

But let me tell you-

with the right inspiration an unbreakable motivation is created.

And this propels us forward into change,

new horizons,

transformation.

There are things more meaningful to me then I could ever express with words.

Things that have happened along the way.

The random occurrences of inspiration on great adventures.

Its never exactly the same,

maybe it's a conversation with a stranger on an airplane,

to distract a scared beginner.

Maybe it's an bright moon on an unfamiliar city street.

Maybe it's a sunset over a great city.

Maybe it's an angel in a taxi that shows you undeserved love.

Maybe it's a note or a text,

maybe it's the smell of ocean air on a summer night.

Lately it's been all different.

But if you think about the people in the world, as I often do,

there's all kinds.

But like Jack, I'm interested in the mad ones.

Those burning bright like roman candles.

And the fascination lies with the idea of achieving the dream.

That is-those who have found their place,

where they feel like everything in their life points to this direction,

where they overcome obstacle after obstacle,

and stand triumph at the top of their class.

Those that wake up each day and love every single moment,

because they are exactly where they want to be,

doing exactly what they want to do.

And I have to believe this is not an unobtainable future.

For everyone living right now with any sorts of dissatisfaction.

Believe me when I say-

you are the master of your fate.

Take charge of life and living and open yourself up to the possibility of change.

And believe me when I say-

I understand the fear associated with change,

I understand the fear associated with newness,

and I understand the fear associated with the unknown.

Maybe this is my addiction,

but I know no other way of living.

And even the most dedicated wanderer has to land somewhere,

and find some sort of community.

Because of Alexander Supertramp...Happiness is only real when shared.

But don't be crippled by circumstance.

And don't be paralyzed by fear.

I know the easy way is not always the best way.

Grow beyond what you thought were the limits,

because all of a sudden you'll realize you have become that person.

You'll wake up every single day knowing you are exactly where you are supposed to be,

doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing.

But sometimes it takes that inspiration,

to create a motivation to make changes.

It's not easy to relinquish control about your life.

But will you look back in ten years and tell yourself,

everything is going to be okay,

everything will work itself out.

Or will you look back and tell yourself,

enjoy this moment,

because as all things are, its just temporary,

and the next great moment is just around the corner.

So search in your present for inspiration to propel you into a future,

but don't discount how it happens.

Because each moment, opportunity, experience,

is simply a piece of the puzzle.

Each one matters.

And then you can look back with a better understanding of what it's all supposed to look like.

The mad ones,

burning, burning, burning,

like roman candles in the night.

Those are my people.

They walk alongside each other in a world where they are misunderstood.

People mislabel them as the lucky ones,

but it isn't luck.

Everyone wants results without putting the work.

So others resign to their own situation,

and the mad ones press on and on and on,

and there are so many sacrifices along the way.

But they are fed by the inspiration and fueled by motivation,

and all of sudden they are surrounded by all the success that they worked so hard to obtain,

And people set them apart in another category,

and create excuses about it all,

and really they started out all the same.

They just made different choices along the way.

They never took the easy way out.

They worked hard never compromising the vision they held in their head.

And they remained brave through transformation.

And somehow,

at some point,

in the midst of the hardest living,

life gave it all back.

And all the pieces of the puzzle came together.

I've been trying to see what it all looks like lately,

but I can't make sense of any of it yet.

Parts of the puzzle are clear,

but there are open blank spaces.

And the future has not become obvious,

and the past comes back around.

So for now,

I press onward.

I'm holding onto the little pieces of inspiration,

and consuming each experiences,

moving forward to the mad ones.

I'm keeping a faith in my journey,

I"m shedding myself of the past and preparing for the future.

I'm listening to my fears,

and I'm remaining brave towards the unknown.

Knowing each opportunity matters,

and living in the moment is just as important as striving towards goals.

Although inexperienced, unfinished, naive and ignorant to the wide wide world,

I am surrounded by veterans who have paved the way,

and i following behind large footsteps.

chasing after those who have become champions in their own arena.

And I'm studying and preparing to play the part,

and I'm learning everything I know from the great ones.

The mad ones.

And i'm keeping my city tucked close,

and I'm allowing those experiences to shape me even know,

because even years later you can learn hard lessons.

Its a good reminder that it all matters.

So deep breaths,

as you let these next moments pass make sure you take the time to find that inspiration,

make sure you appreciate being in the moments,

don't let fear cripple you,

don't be impatient.

Love harder,

grow bigger,

do your research and take notes,

because soon enough it will be that time again,

and you'll be closer to the person you want to be,

and you will be closer to finding your community of mad ones,

and life will fill in the rest of the blanks.