But I'm only human And I bleed when I fall down I'm only human And I crash and I break down Your words in my head, knives in my heart You build me up and then I fall apart 'Cause I'm only human

“You know someone's right for you when the things they don't have to say are even more important than the things they do.” 

 You only get a little time between a cut and knowing how deep it is. If it's only going to be nicked, or disfigured forever. All you can do is try to stretch out that moment for as long as you possibly can. 'Cause once you know, there ain't no coming back.

Words are flowing out

Like endless rain into a paper cup

They slither while they pass

They slip away across the universe

Pools of sorrow waves of joy

Are drifting through my open mind

Possessing and caressing me

Feels like i'm floating
Weightless in flight
Planets exploding as the soul and gravity fight

A heart that beats, an Incredible Machine
Made of blood and love and hope and lust and steam

There's a feeling that happens sometimes,

of finding yourself everywhere and in every moment all at the same time.

And your chest feels like it's filling with air,

and you're simply floating farther and farther away.

Until it all seems fake, the moments only continue to exist in feelings,

but the details are covered in a foggy haze.

Then you remember it wasn't all supposed to be this way,

but this is the mark of time and as it passes the world evolves slowly.

New horizons,

new sunsets,

new faces.

But you think, it really hasn't been all that long.

Yet the years have come and gone,

like a thief in the night...stealing the novelties of what was.

Sometimes my memory acts like that,

only allowing me flashes of what was and no longer streaming long full stories.

Short vignettes of life gone by, with large gaping holes.

Its hard to keep track of it all sometimes.

The quickness of what spans a short time period,

but the mountains and mountains of changes,

hurdles and barriers and walls...demolished.

Running in a marathon but sprinting the whole way through.

Finally catching your breath and not realizing how far you have come.

I used to think it would all be different then the way it really was.

I thought every decision and every moment was wrapping in a finality of forever.

When really it's all a sample of what life has in store.

And moments that seem endless and perfect

play back as a quiet smile, the smell in the air, the sound of a song.

And it's filled with emptiness because it's been long past.

The only evidence is that which remains preserved.

Don't you wish our brains could hold onto every moment forever?

You have to move past the pain to appreciate the transformation.

You come so far just to look back and see the progress.

And it's visible even though you pass the same scenery.

The kids grow older,

the days grow together,

the natural rhythm goes unnoticed because it all feels the same way.

Almost a dream and a long lost fairy tale of what was.

You have to ask...

do you have regrets?

Would you change anything if you could go back and do it again?

But I know when i honestly think of these questions,

you cannot live a life of regret.

Not in this way of never making mistakes,

but rather in a way of put conscious effort into each decision and person that crosses your path.

Because in reality it does all matter,

and it is not to be taken lightly.

No regrets to who has come and gone.

No regrets to the things you said or didn't say.

No regrets to the many many departures.

No regrets for packed bags and long playlists.

No regrets to late night conversations,

no regrets to long texts and simple pictures.

But nothing is what is was,

every changing, always learning, continually transforming.

I dream of the ocean and the beach.

Endless summer nights, and starry night bonfires.

Waves and seashells, and the smell of salt in the air.

My heart belongs elsewhere, never here, never not satisfied.

Those that I don't regret have taught me,

created a long list of expectations,

helped put the guard up, helped demand respect of self.

I have my eyes set forward and I know it will never be like this for long,

because it never is.

Ever constant changing of horizons.

"In the sea of lovers without ships And lovers without sign You’re the only way out of this sea Lovers losing time And lovers losing hope Will you let me follow you Wherever you go Bring me home."

"A certain type of silence has filled my voice
I scream beneath the water and make no noise
All my prayers go quiet and never heard
And I am lost again"

The afternoon has settled long and heavy on my shoulders
The winter's light feels different on my skin
It doesn't seem to strike as far below the surface so
I have to conclude that shadow won't let it in

The leaves are all still changing, the weather here is mild and vacant
A winter's blooming on Los Angeles
The artificial cold is more than I was hoping for
But not enough to consume the darkened state I'm in

What would I do without your smart mouth?
Drawing me in, and you kicking me out
You've got my head spinning, no kidding, I can't pin you down
What's going on in that beautiful mind
I'm on your magical mystery ride
And I'm so dizzy, don't know what hit me, but I'll be alright

"No, man. Alaska, Alaska. I'm gonna be all the way out there, all the way fucking out there. Just on my own. You know, no fucking watch, no map, no axe, no nothing. No nothing. Just be out there. Just be out there in it. You know, big mountains, rivers, sky, game. Just be out there in it, you know? In the wild."

“I go to sleep alone, and wake up alone. I take walks. I work until I'm tired. I watch the wind play with the trash that's been under the snow all winter. Everything seems simple until you think about it. Why is love intensified by absence?”

Slowly becoming undone, self-victimization of all the leaving that's happened,

living lifetimes of walking away.

Why is everything always intensified by absence.

Because it becomes impossible to preserve the perfect memories.

Perfection is only realized by limitations of what can truly be.

Try to understand why it's this way,

shuffling them through to add something never experienced before.

Letting go,

letting go,

leaving.

Words crossed with actions that contradict.

And the painstaking, sinking feeling, of starting over again.

Scarred by past experience, and burdened by knowledge,

of how life works and flows.

To escape to the freedom of the ocean,

adventuring through open waters and leaving it all behind.

Dreams of a life at sea.

Where the horizon is your only limitation,

and days are crafted from sunsets and sundowns.

I told you I never wanted to be this for you.

And yet it becomes and inescapable thought and obsession.

To be left waiting and wondering.

Questioning and hoping.

I want to tell you to leave,

because this will be a clearer path,

one of the known.

What is to be feared more?

Leaving or staying.

To keep your chin up during a time where everything is just shoving you down.

To find the bright side and the hope,

in pointless situations,

pointless tasks.

How did it all become this way?

How to maintain the beauty, patience, bravery, and love of someone who is transforming?

Working to find the better version.

I know you think you see something here,

but really I want to tell you to leave.

Just go away and move forward on your path,

please let me walk mine.

Disappear from my mind, before you are embedded in my heart.

How to maintain in the mundane?

If you don't leave I want you know this about me.

I want to you to know the demons I battle,

I want you to know that each day is a fight to make the next one better.

Please realize that boredom translates into despair.

Did you know that I can love harder and remain more loyal than you can every return.

Please know you may never be good enough, and this is just the truth.

Because it was destined to be this way from the start.

Since the beginning my path, though unclear, lead this way.

I have been introduced to a new way of living and I won't deny myself adventure.

Footloose,

spontaneous,

passionate freedom.

So don't torment with your touch and your words.

It would be better for you to just leave.

Because I can't make you go, and i'm powerless to make you stay.

What choice is left?

But they say the beauty is in the fall,

and I think it makes me out of my mind.

Know this-

I looked for beauty in the smallest moments, where it's often missed.

I hope daily to be somewhere else, on a great adventure.

I could spend a lifetime exploring and adventuring,

and a lifetime would not be enough.

I try to evolve by practicing bravery and patience.

Even though I'm my own worst enemy, I'm also my biggest advocate.

Experience is everything.

Never forget it all matters.

Enduring life in this way will only create a stronger version,

try to find optimism,

try to keep learning.

I promise it wont always be this way,

I promise it's bigger than what it is now.

Why is love intensified by absence?

“Don't you think it's better to be extremely happy for a short while, even if you lose it, than to be just okay for your whole life?”

“Love the world and yourself in it, move through it as though it offers no resistance, as though the world is your natural element.” 

“I think that my job is to observe people and the world, and not to judge them. I always hope to position myself away from so-called conclusions. I would like to leave everything wide open to all the possibilities in the world.” 

“Becoming fearless isn't the point. That's impossible. It's learning how to control your fear, and how to be free from it.” 

I stood out on the road
and I watched as you were leaving.
The leaves were dancing oranges and reds
and they circled all around me like confetti on fire.
They were nothing when compared to the burning in my head.

But I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
'Cause I'm only human, yeah

There's something so perfect and beautiful about falling back into old routines.

Even just in that instant, feeling invincible again.

Keeping secrets from the world and tending to yourself and practicing the real version.

Its the purest feeling, and it makes me feel such a sense of familiar comfort to be uncomfortable.

To be missed and to be vacant and all at the same time to be 100% present.

Ironic how it used to be...to disappear into darkness to find that sense of familiarity,

and now to disappear again to connect with feeling lost.

You can never have it all the ways you want it.

Becoming a prisoner to the here and now,

leaving the past behind and the future an unknown.

And it's hard to remember the way it felt,

to be living in this way of complete freedom and carelessness.

It was a perfect sense of instability, spontaneous moments colliding over and over.

To change and evolve at a rapid pace, to create an beautiful environment of transformation.

My only wish, is that I would know then that it wouldn't always be this way.

But it was never unappreciated,

never taken for-granted.

Every sound and smell and building and person capture,

absorbed through the senses and molded into beautiful memories.

I don't know if ever a day will pass when a part of me does not drift off into that place.

So proud of what made me who I am.

So different then when I began,

and so far away from how it all started.

I count myself blessed to have endured an experience that will last a lifetime.

So much of it remains with me as a secret from the rest of the world.

Owning the timeline, creating and recreating it as my memory lets me.

But now its another unimaginable scenario in a different time.

Cutting away the daggers that were poking holes in my existence.

Removing enablers...

No time for lies or half truths,

disloyalty.

My heart and my soul and my mind remain in tact.

Filtering the here and now to continue evolving into that better version of self.

But you're not to blame.

Because all along I knew you weren't who you said you were.

I knew you were making decisions that were destructive.

I knew you were leaning too hard on me,

making it something it was not.

Even though all along, it could have been different...

it's too late now.

Time has passed and I don't have regrets,

but I know it can never be the same, and I won't let it.

Because in the end, it becomes a waste of time.

Explanations, excuses, lack of accountability...

this is no way to live.

So even though you may exist in the past,

my future will be void of you.

And all the times we had together and the memories,

I thank you for hope you gave,

shoulders to lean on,

words, notes, letters...

but it doesn't lighten my load, and the weight it too much to carry.

A journey is already mapped out and it's one I must be on alone.

There is no place for what you are.

Because this story is a bigger story,

it's one that lives on long after this time and place.

And the adventures never stop,

and self discovery remains a priority.

The smell of a soon to be summer night,

a crispness in the air...

bright stars, bright lights, the sounds of traffic, the quietness of the night...

those are the most wonderful things.

They allow me to live in a place there I am not,

but rather a place where I have been.

To remind you of how it was always supposed to be...

Carry hope for a new horizon and a sense of exploration.

Carry patience because sometimes the best things happen naturally in their own time, at their own pace.

Carry bravery for experiencing the unknown,

and carry bravery for those events that push you to evolve.

Carry appreciation for beauty...

the beauty in people and places,

the beauty in the quietest moments in the loudest of places.

The beauty that is everywhere all the time,

the beauty that  gets overlooked.

Carry love...to give and to receive.

to only accept the love you KNOW you deserve.

And always always ALWAYS, keep evolving into a better version of self.

You are never done with this because a life of newness creates constant learning and changing.

And finally know that it all matters.

Chapter 2: NYC- The Return: "...joy for the times that are discouraging. hope for a better clarity. perspective to remember what has past. bravery to learn lessons even through fear, and an undying passion for beauty in everything..."

"The trick is the same as before,

Maintain patience for a life to evolve as it's meant too.

Carry an enthusiasm for relationships, an open eye for new encounters,

Keep courage to try new things, 

faith that people are inherently good,

endurance for the parts that seam unbearable..."

To live will be an awfully big adventure. J.M. Barrie

Keep an open mind and an adventurous heart and let life teach you great lessons. To city the that brought me to my knees: you've created a better version of self, inspired hope, and encouraged an endless wanderer.

Oh, I beg you, can I follow?

Oh, I ask you, Why not always?

Be the ocean, where I unravel

Be my only, be the water where I'm wading

You're my river running high, run deep, run wild

I, I follow, I follow you

Deep sea baby, I follow you

I, I follow, I follow you

Dark doom honey, I follow you

He's a message, I'm the runner

He's the rebel, I'm the daughter waiting for you

You're my river running high, run deep, run wild

"In my mind things were so different... It just goes to show life has its own agenda and if you let it...it will make you strong. Beautiful things grow in the face of disappointment. An open heart is just as important as an open mind.I live with no regret. Just patience and understanding for myself as I learn hard lessons and grow to be a better version of myself."

Chapter 2: NYC-The Return

That moment when you're driving down the FDR towards Brooklyn,

on the Willliamsburg Bridge with Manhattan twinkling behind you,

and that feeling that you're finally entering the place that you call home,

and probably always will...

And just for a quick second your body feels tingly and floating,

because everything is the most overwhelming in the best way.

So you can't help but tearing up a little because you know you're in the middle of something so incredible,

and the feeling is pure gratitude

and humility for the great city.

Or that moment you're walking up a crowded 5th Avenue sidewalk,

and people...surrounded, commotion, noises, smells...

but all you can hear is the song that's playing-

archiving the moment...capturing it in ways that words and pictures cannot.

Emphasizing the beauty and enhancing the feelings.

And even though its a sea of strangers,

you've never felt so welcomed, or so at home,

ever in your life.

And that moment when you are standing in the clouds,

looking forward and backwards at the most beautiful city in the world.

And from this perspective, it doesn't look that big.

Just people and places stacked on top of each other.

Isolation and community compacted into a tiny island.

And there are just headlights and taillights illuminating crowded corridors.

And you don't know if you've ever known anything as perfect.

And whether above or below, or next too...

you know you're in it.

And it didn't forget  you,

but rather was waiting there for you as it's always been before.

And even though everything has changed,

really nothing has changed.

And you know you can be the true version of self,

because this place is your happiness,

a finish line at the end of a journey.

And it's accepting of who you were, who you are, and who you will become. 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Its always so hard to put words down on a page,

to try to explain a feeling and a moment, when so much is always happening.

Part of the struggle is just to process the action-reaction of life,

long chains of cause and effect,

stretching beyond any imagination.

Things always seem so clear and they never mean what I think they do.

Newness is birthed from devastation and disappointment.

Opportunity is created from desperation and despair.

Really that's the thing about transformation though.

We are constantly evolving into better or worse versions of self,

tattooed by the choices we make,

marked by the relationships that we create or break.

The one thing I've always loved about change is the predictable unpredictability.

You never truly have full control on the realities of life,

just on the person you're choosing to be.

And sometimes life creates its own plan,

and karma comes back around,

and you find yourself in a place you never thought you could get too.

But its so natural, and conversation flows easily,

and when trying to digest it all afterwards,

you realize that your life is permanently changed.

I thought there was a different purpose to you,

even though deep down I knew we were't on the same page,

it was all so natural and organic,

I didn't realize that the result would be this way.

And I can never discount the time we spent together,

being the way we were,

and I'm grateful.

But in the end, you must release yourself from the things that keep you from what you want.

More importantly, from people who keep you from trying to figure it out.

Life is an adventure and its overcoming the obstacles that are in the way,

whatever those may look like.

The smile on your face reminds me that there is an innocence,

a beauty,

a perfection in imperfection.

What's the point of it all without taking risks?

Be that better version of self,

even if its only a little at a time.

Self-preservation and self-transformation are the driving forces behind purpose.

Live with undying passion, blind innocent beautiful passion...

because you have to challenge yourself to love harder and love bigger then before,

remember it's just about overcoming the obstacles,

so you can be surprised by what lies on the other side.

I do not have regrets.

I do not think it was a waste of time.

I do not long for the past.

I do not discount disappointments.

I do not let loneliness overpower curiosity.

I do not need to learn lessons twice.

I do not wish I was more understood, but rather the right amount of misunderstood.,

I do not forget to dance quietly,

smile loudly,

hope passionately.

I do not forget about the importance of appreciating beauty.

I do not settle for this version of self,

because i know another better one is waiting behind the next obstacle.

I do not let you have more of me then I give to myself,

because I do not forget to love myself,

I do not forget to be brave when I'm scared that life has stopped moving fluidly.

I do not forget patience for change.

I do not forget that it all matters.