“So be sure when you step, Step with care and great tact. And remember that life's A Great Balancing Act. And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and ¾ percent guaranteed) Kid, you'll move mountains.”

“I used to spend so much time reacting and responding to everyone else that my life had no direction. Other people's lives, problems, and wants set the course for my life. Once I realized it was okay for me to think about and identify what I wanted, remarkable things began to take place in my life.” 

“The most intriguing people you will encounter in this life are the people who had insights about you, that you didn't know about yourself.” 

Nothing better than this

Ooh, and then the storm can come

You feels just like the sun

Just like the sun

And if you say, "Be alright"

I'm gonna trust you, babe

I'm gonna look in your eyes

And if you say, "Be alright"

I'll follow you into the light

“It should not be denied... that being footloose has always exhilarated us. It is associated in our minds with escape from history and oppression and law and irksome obligations, with absolute freedom, and the road has always led West.”

Four years ago I decided to start a journey,

where I traded in the self I was, the self I was supposed to be,

in order to transform into a new version.

10.10.10 I began this journey by documenting here,

the hard stuff, the life lessons, the realizations and the transformation.

My first post was an edit of an essay I wrote in college,

which has since become my life philosophy.

A perfect explanation of self, and a building block for the many adventures ahead.

Influenced by the life story of Christopher McCandless and the writing of Jack Kerouac,

I set about to become my own version of the American Adventurer.

And over the years the blog has changed slightly...

what started out as pictures and lyrics,

turned into reminders to my future self,

and an emotional scrapbook of my adventures in the great city of New York.

In order to embark on this journey,

to really push myself above and beyond what was "normal"

and to step outside of the box into a place of discomfort and self-realization 

I knew I had to face my fears.

In August of 2010 I decided to face my fears of both flying and falling by jumping out of an airplane.

It was both terrifying and exhilarating.

However,

once this happened,

other things started happening.

And everything changed.

So I jumped out of an airplane,

started blogging,

and with some negotiating,

was offered a job that allowed me to leave my current situation and move to NYC.

In December of 2010 I was to go to NYC for a week solo,

to experience the city and decide if this truly was the place I belonged.

Considering I had been to NYC on only one other occasion for a work trip,

and had only been in the 12 block radius of Midtown,

I knew I had a lot of learn about this magical destination.

What happened next...was a giant snow storm.

This epic snowstorm shut down all flights in or out of NYC for weeks.

And I was trapped in Illinois and faced with making a major decision with very little information.

Towards the end of January I flew out for a day to interview,

and was offered the job on the spot.

So after three painful months of stressing, planning, purging, and packing.

I threw everything I owned into five suitcases and bought a one way ticket.

On February 14th, 2011, I did the bravest thing I've ever done,

and faced my second fear.

I lived in NYC for 9 short months.

I had never been to Brooklyn before,

and after a three weeks of unsuccessful apartment hunting,

and a week and half of being homeless and living on the floor of an unfinished loft space,

I found a home.

Everything was new.

Every day was an adventure.

I was learning how to live and survive in a city where I knew no one,

and adapting to my new world at lightening speed.

I was more responsible for myself then I had ever been in my entire life,

and I was given more responsibility for other people that I had ever been in my entire life.

I explored every nook and cranny of Manhattan,

spending days just wandering around with my Ipod and a camera.

I met a lot of people who told me stories about their lives and where they came from.

I experienced a life of a Brooklyn-ite their 20s during the week,

and I spent my weekends on 5th ave and in the Hamptons,

being an observer of the other side.

Each day taught me something new about myself,

and each day grew me as a person.

I blogged a lot.

I felt like I was running fast, chasing after myself, trying to catch up and adapt.

And I felt like I left the old version of myself in the distance,

so far behind I didn't even recognize her anymore.

And while there were moments of ecstasy where I conquered,

there were moments of fear and loneliness.

One day I met someone and she became my guardian angel.

And after I met her,

there wasn't another time during my residency in NY where I was truly scared.

And although we were not very close,

I felt protected and safe.

When I left the city on 11.1.11,

packing all my possessions into a rented car to relocate to Boston,

I chose her as the last face I would see when leaving my great city.

And she gave something that I hold close today.

It was her good luck charm,

and she told me that it would keep me safe.

And it has.

So after some time in Boston,

recovering in a safe structured environment,

I finally caught up with myself.

I spent 5 months reintroducing myself to the person I had become,

after a life changing 9 months.

And eventually, after a brief but meaningful relationship with the East Coast,

In March of 2012, I made my way back to the middle.

I floated around for a few months,

but in October I settled somewhere more permanent,

and began to sprout some roots.

And for the last two years I have remained,

and I have spent a lot of time recounting my experiences.

On February 27th, 2014 I made my way back to my city,

for the first time since I had left 818 days prior.

Being back was an emotional catharsis,

and I was finally able to add some closure to my experiences in 2011.

Of course,

in true poetic fashion,

the first person I saw when landing was none other than my guardian angel.

Recently,

I decided in light of upcoming changes that may lie ahead,

I really wanted to feel invincible.

I really wanted to master a third fear,

that had been on the list for so long,

long before I packed everything I owned into five suitcases,

back to when I first started adventuring and had my great free fall.

In honor of this time of year,

and celebrating the anniversary of the move,

I finally got my tattoo.

Now the tattoo itself is not that elaborate or extravagant.

But the quiet meaning behind it,

to me,

is epic.

The inspiration behind this permanent work of art are the pictures above.

I have always known I wanted a compass on the inside of my right foot,

A symbol to celebrate my life as a an adventurer.

with the compass pointing to the west of my future,

and pointing to the east of my past.

In the center,

the all seeing eye,

as on the same charm given to me by a stronger who become a protector,

But more important than the actual tattoo,

was the act of overcoming a fear and embracing a feeling of being invincible.

Finally checking a box on a list,

as I slingshot ahead into an unknown future.

I can draw on the bravery from my past,

and the strength of facing fears.

I can't help but know that it all matters,

and I can't wait to see what comes next.

Change as a Commonality: The Mark of Being Human (EDIT 10.10.2010)

Human beings are creatures that are very similar to each other. Every single individual wandering around the earth shares a commonality. All of us are creations, made from the personal nature of human experience. Each one of us is fully engaged in playing the game of life: fighting the challenges and reaping the rewards. Sometimes we are accompanied by others and other times it becomes an individual effort. Few things are ever certain, even fewer things come easy. However, there is an unstoppable constant among everyone engaged in this ongoing process of life.

In all walks of life we experience change, starting at conception and continuing until one passes on. It is important in our lives. Big changes may leave an impact on us, but little ones are equally memorable. Change can come in all forms. It can be hard for us to fully understand change. The cause for this is not always obvious and the results can be unclear. Yet it’s a contagious force that acts as a catalyst for character building. There are no restrictions on change.

Dangerously, change is often accompanied by pain. It becomes confusing because humans tend to feel an unstoppable craving for change, but yet we strongly reject pain. It hurts, it’s uncomfortable, and it prohibits us from functioning normally. As much as pain can bring utter devastation to our lives, it’s necessary. Not without a price, pain takes from us.

Pain causes us to blame ourselves for problems we have no control over. It brings perpetual thoughts of merciless guilt. We require this ache in order to survive. This may seem extremely cynical. The most painful parts of life are when we are in our weakest states, but the magic of this time is that this is where the greatest, strongest changes are actually occurring. Defeat and deterioration are symptoms of change, the change that works to shape character the most.

It’s the aspect of pain accompanying change that makes us fear it. This can be a daunting idea. Perhaps we are convinced by ignoring change we can avoid pain as well. But it is impossible to ignore change. Without change we don’t evolve and adapt to the fast paced life that is constantly moving around us. This makes us pathetic and helpless, our own worst enemy. We constantly build walls just to learn to break them down again.

We desire earth shaking experiences but cling to every day consistencies.

It’s vital to recognize there is a way to overcome this fear of pain. The best way to digest difficult change is by remembering our blessings. Blessings are gifts that we acquire without the feeling of pain. We have so many blessings that it’s nearly impossible to count them all. Once we can learn how to use change as food for the soul, an opportunity to live, and the mark of being human, and once we realize how many blessings we really have, we can begin the process of self-transformation.

Self-transformation is a beautiful display of complete cleansing and re-creation of mind, body, and soul.This is the most vital part of change.

It is the key to understanding ourselves, and the key of surviving.

Change is our common denominator. Each time we undergo change we are more able to relate to other human beings. We are able to cope with the relationships and circumstances in our lives. We are more able to handle whatever life brings. So the solution is this: welcome changes, recognize change, and endure change. Remember that even though we may not be able to understand it right away, transformation is the result of change. It marks the personal evolution of self that each one of us strives to achieve.

A beautiful strength is found in simply surviving the trials of life.

“So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future.”

“There are certain queer times and occasions in this strange mixed affair we call life when a man takes this whole universe for avast practical joke, though the wit thereof he but dimly discerns, and more than suspects that the joke is at nobody's expense but his own. However, nothing dispirits, and nothing seems worth while disputing. He bolts down all events, all creeds, and beliefs, and persuasions, all hard things visible and invisible, never mind how knobby; as an ostrich of potent digestion gobbles down bullets and gun flints. And as for small difficulties and worryings, prospects of sudden disaster, peril of life and limb; all these, and death itself, seem to him only sly, good-natured hits, and jolly punches in the side bestowed by the unseen and unaccountable old joker. That odd sort of wayward mood I am am speaking of, comes over a man only in some time of extreme tribulation; it comes in the very midst of his earnestness, so that what just before might have seemed to him a thing most momentous, now seems but a part of the general joke.” 

― Herman Melville, Moby Dick

But we both know how,
How we're gonna make it work when it hurts,
When you pick yourself up,
You get kicked to the dirt,

Trying to make it work but,
Man, these times are hard,

But we're gonna start by
Drinking old cheap bottles of wine

“It’s not about the things he gave us, Carine,” he said softly. “It’s about the memories. You can’t touch those with your hands. Everything you can touch with your hands is just stuff.” 
― Carine McCandless, The Wild Truth

Dear city. Thank you for the raw honesty you forced. Thank you for the strange adventures and the unfamiliar faces. Thank you for creating a quiet unbreakable strength. Thank you for the opportunity of transformation. Thank you accepting with open arms. Thank you for creating an inner fight for all to be understood.

_{“I always try to play characters who are very different from what I am. If the character was a good swimmer or a diver, I’d be interested because in my real life, I am totally scared of water. I would immediately feel compelled to do it because I’m always trying to tackle any fear I have. I don’t want my life to be controlled by fear, whether it’s the fear of being rejected, fear of being loved; I want to run my life with open arms. Also, I never want to play the same character twice. To me, that’s soul crushing.” -Jessica Chastain}

So many things running through my head lately,

and i'll do my best to connect the dots in a clear coherent fashion.

Sometimes I think I have an insatiable appetite for inspiration.

Searching for it in all the usual ways,

but appearing in the most surprising places.

I've never known everything to be exactly as it seems,

and that's okay-because it keeps you accountable to life.

But let me tell you-

with the right inspiration an unbreakable motivation is created.

And this propels us forward into change,

new horizons,

transformation.

There are things more meaningful to me then I could ever express with words.

Things that have happened along the way.

The random occurrences of inspiration on great adventures.

Its never exactly the same,

maybe it's a conversation with a stranger on an airplane,

to distract a scared beginner.

Maybe it's an bright moon on an unfamiliar city street.

Maybe it's a sunset over a great city.

Maybe it's an angel in a taxi that shows you undeserved love.

Maybe it's a note or a text,

maybe it's the smell of ocean air on a summer night.

Lately it's been all different.

But if you think about the people in the world, as I often do,

there's all kinds.

But like Jack, I'm interested in the mad ones.

Those burning bright like roman candles.

And the fascination lies with the idea of achieving the dream.

That is-those who have found their place,

where they feel like everything in their life points to this direction,

where they overcome obstacle after obstacle,

and stand triumph at the top of their class.

Those that wake up each day and love every single moment,

because they are exactly where they want to be,

doing exactly what they want to do.

And I have to believe this is not an unobtainable future.

For everyone living right now with any sorts of dissatisfaction.

Believe me when I say-

you are the master of your fate.

Take charge of life and living and open yourself up to the possibility of change.

And believe me when I say-

I understand the fear associated with change,

I understand the fear associated with newness,

and I understand the fear associated with the unknown.

Maybe this is my addiction,

but I know no other way of living.

And even the most dedicated wanderer has to land somewhere,

and find some sort of community.

Because of Alexander Supertramp...Happiness is only real when shared.

But don't be crippled by circumstance.

And don't be paralyzed by fear.

I know the easy way is not always the best way.

Grow beyond what you thought were the limits,

because all of a sudden you'll realize you have become that person.

You'll wake up every single day knowing you are exactly where you are supposed to be,

doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing.

But sometimes it takes that inspiration,

to create a motivation to make changes.

It's not easy to relinquish control about your life.

But will you look back in ten years and tell yourself,

everything is going to be okay,

everything will work itself out.

Or will you look back and tell yourself,

enjoy this moment,

because as all things are, its just temporary,

and the next great moment is just around the corner.

So search in your present for inspiration to propel you into a future,

but don't discount how it happens.

Because each moment, opportunity, experience,

is simply a piece of the puzzle.

Each one matters.

And then you can look back with a better understanding of what it's all supposed to look like.

The mad ones,

burning, burning, burning,

like roman candles in the night.

Those are my people.

They walk alongside each other in a world where they are misunderstood.

People mislabel them as the lucky ones,

but it isn't luck.

Everyone wants results without putting the work.

So others resign to their own situation,

and the mad ones press on and on and on,

and there are so many sacrifices along the way.

But they are fed by the inspiration and fueled by motivation,

and all of sudden they are surrounded by all the success that they worked so hard to obtain,

And people set them apart in another category,

and create excuses about it all,

and really they started out all the same.

They just made different choices along the way.

They never took the easy way out.

They worked hard never compromising the vision they held in their head.

And they remained brave through transformation.

And somehow,

at some point,

in the midst of the hardest living,

life gave it all back.

And all the pieces of the puzzle came together.

I've been trying to see what it all looks like lately,

but I can't make sense of any of it yet.

Parts of the puzzle are clear,

but there are open blank spaces.

And the future has not become obvious,

and the past comes back around.

So for now,

I press onward.

I'm holding onto the little pieces of inspiration,

and consuming each experiences,

moving forward to the mad ones.

I'm keeping a faith in my journey,

I"m shedding myself of the past and preparing for the future.

I'm listening to my fears,

and I'm remaining brave towards the unknown.

Knowing each opportunity matters,

and living in the moment is just as important as striving towards goals.

Although inexperienced, unfinished, naive and ignorant to the wide wide world,

I am surrounded by veterans who have paved the way,

and i following behind large footsteps.

chasing after those who have become champions in their own arena.

And I'm studying and preparing to play the part,

and I'm learning everything I know from the great ones.

The mad ones.

And i'm keeping my city tucked close,

and I'm allowing those experiences to shape me even know,

because even years later you can learn hard lessons.

Its a good reminder that it all matters.

So deep breaths,

as you let these next moments pass make sure you take the time to find that inspiration,

make sure you appreciate being in the moments,

don't let fear cripple you,

don't be impatient.

Love harder,

grow bigger,

do your research and take notes,

because soon enough it will be that time again,

and you'll be closer to the person you want to be,

and you will be closer to finding your community of mad ones,

and life will fill in the rest of the blanks.

“Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it's not because they enjoy solitude. It's because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.”

“It was one thing to make a mistake; it was another thing to keep making it. I knew what happened when you let yourself get close to someone, when you started to believe they loved you: you'd be disappointed. Depend on someone, and you might as well admit you're going to be crushed, because when you really needed them, they wouldn't be there. Either that, or you'd confide in them and you added to their problems."

“That was the day my whole world went black. Air looked black. Sun looked black. I laid up in bed and stared at the black walls of my house….Took three months before I even looked out the window, see the world still there. I was surprised to see the world didn’t stop.” 

Goodbye
Should be sayin' that to you by now, shouldn't I?
Layin' down the law that I live by,
Though maybe next time

I've got a thick tongue,
Brimming with the words that go unsung
Simmer then the burn for a someone,
A wrong one

And I tell myself to let the story end,
My heart will rest in someone else's hand
My 'why not me?' philosophy began,
And I say...

I've stopped trying to create happiness, and instead have put my energy into practicing love. This has changed my life in a profound way.

Life has been moving at a slower pace than usual,

and if feels like the typical calm before the storm.

I know a lot of things are ahead,

looming on the horizon,

right before me. 

I'm woke up in the middle of the night,

frantic, panicked.

I think about the last five years,

and what's brought me too this point.

Its absolutely overwhelming but yet perfectly strategic.

Every course mapped out carefully,

and a never ending bucket list that continues to transform.

And most of it is not saying the things that need to be said.

Trying to bottle and filter the appropriate things.

And keeping close what needs to be kept silent.

I've been thinking a lot about trust.

It's the a powerful force,

binding each other together.

As necessary as love and breathing.

It can be built so strong,

like a fortress...

metaphorical bricks stacked together.

And it is so easily shattered.

How can something that is so strong

be destroyed so easily?

That I may never understand.

Believe strongly in second chances

But practice first being open minded.

Closing your door to opportunities will only create a narrow perspective.

It will limit possibilities.

Being open and fair with your heart and mind

and this will build unity and tolerance.

Celebrate differences and compare similarities.

Build strong fortresses,

but don't waste time rebuilding.

Know that character shines brighter than the sun.

Don't be purposefully ignorant about character judgement.

Practice listening to your gut,

give attention to instinct.

Because if you choose to ignore the obvious signs,

you are choosing to create a falsehood.

And why would you want to fill yourself with a fantasy.

I think it's important to distinguish between fantasy and dreaming.

Dreamers focus on the possible,

they aim a little higher,

and struggle to reach just outside the comfort zone,

to become bigger,

to experience,

to transform.

Fantasy is more so trying to alter your reality.

Its fictional,

inconceivable.

Live in the dreamers world.

Set goals and obtain life points.

Create a life that is meaningful.

Be a person who is actively trying to improve.

Resist the fantasy of dissolving reality

and accepting falsehoods as truth.

Because in the end you will always be destroyed when you build your fortress out of falsehood.

The trust will shatter in an instant.

I was told always let your yes be yes and your no a no.

Don't make promises you can't keep,

don't make promises you don't intend to keep.

Because ultimately you are showcasing integrity.

A proud name tag labeling your character.

Do you want your integrity to be filled with half truths and false promises?

Or do you want to grow as someone honorable,

dependable,

reliable,

trust worthy...

I've made mistakes in the past,

building a fortress made of falsehood.

Through harsh reality I learned the difference between dreaming and fantasy.

I want an admirable integrity.

I want my promises to hold merit,

I want my words to remain as structurally sound truths.

I do not want to waste time with those who contain themselves.

Who speak empty words of things that will never come to pass.

I don't want to be warped by other's fantasies,

and I will not watch walls crumble into dust.

Because I know the importance of trust.

And character becomes apparent so quickly.

But I don't fault you completely because it's never one sided.

It's always three sided.

But you can't spend time dwelling on the past.

You must persevere forward into the unknown.

And keep your fantasy at minimum,

so you can maximize dreams.

So you can obtain the greatness you desire,

so you can embark on the adventures that lie ahead,

and you can build relationships with those that you deserve.

You'll find if you stop trying to create happiness,

and start practicing love...

you will transform your life greatly.

And those that live in the "what ifs" and "when I" s... will drift father in the rear view.

Don't you know...

you will only change your situation if you take active steps to do so.

I don't live with regrets,

because experience creates transformation.

Those hard things your suffer through make way to the triumphs.

But I live with scars and battle wounds,

of learning life's hard lessons.

This is what it means be an active participant in life.

This is what it means to create a better version of self.

So please know this is the end of road for falsehoods and fantasies.

I will live in the here and now,

operating in the present and actively showcasing an integrity that I am proud of.

Time is so valuable,

much too valuable for falsehood.

So understand I mean what I say,

and I expect the same from others.

I will continue to grow,

i will make mistakes,

but I will only recover stronger.

And love is always more powerful than any opposition.

It is the concrete for a strong fortress of trust.

And it all matters.