“They danced down the street like dingledodies and I shambled after as usual as I’ve been doing all my life after people that interest me, because the only people that interest me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing.. but burn, burn, burn like roman candles across the night.”

"And for just a moment I had reached the point of ecstasy that I always wanted to reach, which was the complete step across chronological time into timeless shadows, and wonderment in the bleakness of the mortal realm, and the sensation of death kicking at my heels to move on, with a phantom dogging its own heels..."
Jack Kerouac

“There’s much more. There’s all that goes beyond – all … that is Elsewhere – and all that goes back, and back, and back. I received all of those, when I was selected. And here in this room, all alone, I re-experience them again and again. It is how wisdom comes. And how we shape our future.”

And the dreams you left behind you didn't need them
Like every single wish we ever made
I wish that I could wake up with amnesia
And forget about the stupid little things
Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you
And the memories I never can escape

'Cause I'm not fine at all

The habit of looking to the future and thinking that the whole meaning of the present lies in what it will bring forth is a pernicious one. There can be no value in the whole unless there is value in the parts.

BERTRAND RUSSELL, Conquest of Happiness

I wonder always the constant duality of life.

Why is everything always composed of such opposing forces.

Working hardest against the progress of the other.

The greatest fear of it all 

is trading an possibility of an opportunity for love, 

real true honest selfless love...

for the possibility of an opportunity for adventure,

real true honest passionate adventure.

Fearful of one outcome
and equally fearful of the other outcome.

What is a beatnik, 

where is freedom, 

the place of fabulous yellow roman candles.

Something that can't possibly be understood by masses.

This desire that lies embedded deep in the soul, 

layered by experience and heartache.

Sometimes the easiest thing to do is a simple taste of instant gratification,

riddled with guilt and regret.

I refused to fall into the normalcy.

I refuse to bend to the pressures and expectations.

Love and Freedom are equal weight of the scales,

and opposing forces in a raging war.

I know the things that have passed and those events have built me.

The things ahead on the horizon, those lurking in the future,

only dictate strengthening of version of self that is.

I never understood love,

and maybe that's how it was always supposed to be.

To feel alone and to be alone are two different things.

Each choice has equal importance, but lead to different paths,

different adventures.

One understood and one unrelatable.

To be misunderstood is to know what it is to be alone.

I wonder how it all plays out in the end,

written like the heroine in the classic story.

Written like a god in an ancient myth.

Removed from the exactness of reality,

 fantasized as an sailor sailing off into the sunset in an ocean breeze.

The possibilities that are endlessly laid out,

 the excitement of the newness of it all,

the fear of the finality of the choice,

the fear of the sureness that comes with age and time.

I never assume a thing, 

because I've learned that people are full of surprises.

Good and bad ones, but never as predictable as one can hope.

Relatable on so many levels, 

at the core characteristics of being human,

and walled by there own insecurity and flaws.

Beauty in nature, and the innocence in new horizons,

this is pure and honest and motivating.

Nature does not demand to be understood and it does not need or want.

Endless sunsets, open ocean, quiet skies...

instead demand to be respect and never pass judgement.

I don't know how it was supposed to be,

I only know how it is,

how it was.

I cannot change the past,

but I can shape the future.

I can carry with me the burdens and the hopefulness,

I can remain brave and hopeful for a future filled with changing horizons,

lit with the fabulous yellow roman candles,

burning bright bright bright.

And just let the opposing forces battle on,

surrounded by the warfare, avoiding danger,

trying to keep myself from being a casualty of indecision.

Approaching transformation of self as a shield

 for the weapons of time, money, age, opportunity.

Making the most of every moment, every second,

and respecting that life operates without permissions.

And know that misunderstanding is better then assuming.

And recognize that being alone and feeling alone are two separate feelings.

And that there are choices that constantly dictate the natural motion.

And remain hopeful.

And know that it all matters.

And take nothing foregranted because above all else,

nothing is truly deserved...

It all becomes karma, serendipity, happenstance,

and you don't always earn those moments,

and you don't always understand the whys and hows.

But it's still okay.

Celebrate the people but understand the limitations of it all,

know that it will just add to the creation of a better understanding.

Prioritize, scrutinize, plan carefully, wait patiently...

it all matters.

And don't give up on love and don't give up on adventure.

These are the dualities of life and the driving forces.

They will lead to freedom.

We're a thousand miles from comfort, we have traveled land and sea But as long as you are with me, there's no place I'd rather be I would wait forever, exalted in the scene As long as I am with you, my heart continues to beat...

“I don't really care. I shouldn't have to care. I shouldn't have to work this hard. I realize now that dying is easy. Living is hard.” 

-if. i. stay.

“Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.” 

“I feel too much. That's what's going on.' 'Do you think one can feel too much? Or just feel in the wrong ways?' 'My insides don't match up with my outsides.' 'Do anyone's insides and outsides match up?' 'I don't know. I'm only me.' 'Maybe that's what a person's personality is: the difference between the inside and outside.' 'But it's worse for me.' 'I wonder if everyone thinks it's worse for him.' 'Probably. But it really is worse for me.” 
― Jonathan Safran Foer, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

Why should you care, what they think of you
When you're all alone, by yourself, do you like you?
Do you like you?

You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to give it all away
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing

You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to bend until you break
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing

Come away with me in the night
Come away with me
And I will write you a song

Come away with me on a bus
Come away where they can't tempt us
With their lies

Its never quite makes sense the way you think it will.

Life happens rapidly at a pace that is unmatched,

literally to it's own beat...unpredictable and honest.

It doesn't happen the way you plan,

life throws curve balls constantly-but what can you do?

Hope to keep a pure optimism,

hope to remain as energetic and brave as always,

hope that you can find the good in the hard times,

hope that love will flourish and relationships will remain in tact.

I never thought it would be this way at all,

but in the weirdest way it's exactly how I wanted it.

The harder you want something the more unobtainable it seems.

And then all of a sudden,

when you aren't the least bit prepared,

everything falls exactly into it's right place.

It constantly amazes me when this occurs.

Change that creates chaos becomes a logical pattern of cause and effect.

To transform was free falling through the air, the sky surrounding and the ground far below,

to a burning passion and obsession with a concrete jungle,

to discover the essence of your own being,

to experience true survival.

To be known and unknown and to create a home.

To build confidences and fine tune skills.

Then to watch it disappear as a tiny dot in the rear view...

then a magical fall,

filled with crisp nights, brilliant sunsets, and laughter...

so much joy harnessed in one place.

Then to throw yourself right back into it all.

To create and build all again, coming from nothing.

To learn hard hard lessons and to prioritize.

I always say, the people in your past who disappear will re appear in your future,

if it is meant to be.

We don't control time.

Rather experience it all and take nothing fore-granted,

it could all be gone in a second.

I know this all too well.

How is it that being surrounded by people you feel the loneliest?

And when you're alone you feel the safest?

It doesn't make any sense.

It should be the other way around.

Working constantly to try to understand love,

commitment, sacrifice, dedication.

What happens when you don't feel anything at all.

Its that feeling that you were never supposed to be in this from the start.

A serious of fortunate coincidences and accidental actions that brought you to this moment.

Eerie calm, unsettling peace,

to not have that burning desire to be in another place,

to do another thing,

to experience.

Knowing that right now in this moment everything falls exactly into place.

You take credit for the events that brought you here.

You pay homage to the unspeakable acts of bravery.

The hard truths and the drastic changes.

Creation, transformation, beauty, hope, love, bravery.

It all matters doesn't it....

When not knowing suddenly feels like a comfort, wrapped tightly.

What does that mean?

Its not easy to live in a world of opposites.

Most people fail to understand that and it's okay.

Call it impatience, call it selfish, call it unsatisfied.

I call it a blissful hopefulness that its all right around the corner.

One move away from finishing the puzzle,

one action away from understanding.

It's hard to be misunderstood,

it's even worse to feel as though no one wants to try.

Constantly reminding yourself it's not this way for everyone.

Wearing a lens of worldly perspective,

taking the extra moment to understand a stranger.

This is what keeps us connected,

this is what keeps a realistic understanding,

this creates empathy and compassion.

Human connectedness is the most magical thing of all.

Realizing that there is an unspeakable bond between everyone.

Understanding at the core of everything it all feels the same.

I don't pretend there weren't mistakes along the way.

I don't pretend there aren't more mistakes to come...

but live with no regrets.

Who knows...you might get another shot at everything but then again you might not.

You understand that you must take responsibility for creating the right now.

Take responsibility for the transformation along the way.

So many opportunities, new experiences...

some pass by, others are devoured.

I said no in order to not settle.

I said no in order to no reset my clock.

I understand the vastness that lies ahead,

and I understand the value in keeping on.

Because remember it all matters.

Life is so. much. shorter.

than you know,

and don't blink too much.

You might miss the beauty in the little things.

You might miss an opportunity to grow in love.

You might forget your bravery and hopefulness.

You don't have to feel understood all the time,

you just have to be honest with yourself.

This will create a healthy way of living.

This will create new horizons.

This will afford new adventures.

A home is what you make it to be.

Family is not defined in a single way.

Life is not structured, there are many paths.

Love is undefined.

Just wait for those moments where everything is exactly as it should be.

Just wait for it all to fall into place.

Don't ever limit yourself because time does this for us.

Experience as much as possible,

and keep an optimism about yourself.

It may be easier, it may be harder,

but if you remain brave and hopeful you'll survive whatever is ahead.

You've done it before.

You can do it again.  

"Hey, brother, do you still believe in one another? Hey, sister, do you still believe in love I wonder? Oh, if the sky comes falling down for you There’s nothing in this world I wouldn't do..."

 "I'm in love with you, and I'm not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasure of saying true things. I'm in love with you, and I know that love is just a shout into the void, and that oblivion is inevitable, and that we're all doomed and that there will come a day when all our labor has been returned to dust, and I know the sun will swallow the only earth we'll ever have, and I am in love with you.” 

"I pray to be like the ocean, with soft currents, maybe waves at times. More and more, I want the consistency rather than the highs and the lows."

In the morning it comes, heaven sent a hurricane
Not a trace of the sun but I don't even run from rain
Beating out of my chest, my heart is holding on to you
From the moment I knew
From the moment I knew

You are the air in my breath filling up my love soaked lungs
Such a beautiful mess intertwined and overrun
Nothing better than this, oh, and then the storm can come
You feel just like the sun

 

"God, give me grace to accept with serenity

the things that cannot be changed,

Courage to change the things

which should be changed,

and the Wisdom to distinguish

the one from the other.

Living one day at a time,

Enjoying one moment at a time,

Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace."

SUCH A BEAUTIFUL MESS INTERTWINED AND OVERRUN

Trying to find words for anything lately has been a struggle.

Life evolves as rapidly as ever, and sometimes the events that transpire leaves one speechless.

This last month has brought many experiences:

travel, adventure, new friends, old friends, birthdays, celebrations, family, engagements, long walks, relationships, broken hearts, mended hearts, change, responsibility, decision, love, the possibility of love, loss, pain, hope, moving away, choosing to remain, ultimate sadness.

Events compounding on another and coming at a rapid fire pace.

Yet through it all that beautiful transformation and evolution of self.

Let me try to explain to you how its been.

I never understood love, and maybe I never will.

But I continue to see life revolve around love as the Earth to the sun.

Every place and everything and every event and every person fueled by this,

the ultimate motivator.

To experience it the way I experienced it was a newness.

So many elements involving trust, compromise, hopefulness, commitment.

Thank you for widening my perspective on people,

and allowing it all to happen in the natural way,

offering a love, offering a newness,

and accepting what is deserved.

Ultimately it's all about using the experience to create a better version.

This is exactly what happens when you open your heart and allow a vulnerability.

To allow one to be observed and appreciated in this way is nothing other than love.

And maybe July is the new December,

and instead of snow there will be fireworks.

Maybe in the quiet moments you fill the empty spaces,

wandering gently into my head.

And it will also be something I look back fondly upon always.

Also about life...

let me remind you again: never underestimate any moment.

This has been said, but deserves to be restated.

Each moment is a gift, each day is a fresh start, a second chance.

Remember that nothing is deserved, nothing should be taken for granted.

To explain this individual to another:

This is why one cannot rest,

why one must continue working towards the next adventure,

why one cannot be complacent and settle,

why one must make sacrifices and endure the uncomfortable side effects of change.

Because when it's over and when everything ends,

what's left is a legacy... 

Your legacy doesn't have to be greatness,

it doesn't have to be written in history books, or scoreboards.

Rather just create the legacy that you want.

Don't compromise to fit within the standards of how you are supposed to live.

No one knows the right way to live.

But the point is to do your best to be a person that leaves an honesty behind.

That demonstrated the true virtues of what really was,

that strives to appreciate beauty in every moment,

that struggles to understand love,

that is constantly transforming to be a better version of self.

This is the legacy I want to leave.

Life does not get easier or harder,

rather each one of us grows weary or energetic at times.

We struggle to adapt and fight to keep control.

Lately time has not been as relevant.

Everyone speaks about this stage of life, and I'm growing closer to understanding.

Although it doesn't bring about the changes and desires within that were promised.

I still want the same things I've always wanted,

but its simply easier to obtain,

easier to grow in patience,

harder to be hopeful,

easier to reach the goals,

harder to make new ones.

I remain the person I started, even though things have been fine tuned,

even though I'm far from that person.

Live without regrets,

need I remind you again that each moment is undeserved.

Live as though every day is your last.

Don't leave things unsaid,

don't hold anger towards others,

don't miss moments of beauty,

appreciate your self,

search for love.

the balance of the natural rhythms of life are tricky always.

It can feel heavy at times.

But be brave,

be patient with others,

be open to love.

Build your legacy.

Don't forget that it all matters .

"I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity. I wouldn't trade it for the world. You gave me a forever within the numbered days, and I'm grateful."

“We are all alone, born alone, die alone, and — in spite of True Romance magazines — we shall all someday look back on our lives and see that, in spite of our company, we were alone the whole way. I do not say lonely — at least, not all the time — but essentially, and finally, alone. This is what makes your self-respect so important, and I don’t see how you can respect yourself if you must look in the hearts and minds of others for your happiness.”

-Hunter S. Thompson

No, we won't fade into darkness
Nothing to fear but fear itself
We'll be okay just keep the faith
And we won't fade into darkness.

"It's something that I can't explain and something that cannot really be measured in any way. It's has and will continue to leave a lasting impact on the way I view people, the way I interact, and my general philosophy. I think it's made me a stronger more tolerant person of quite a bit. And I really wanted to express my gratitude. So thanks, thank you."

"I’m in love with you, and I’m not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasure of saying true things. I’m in love with you, and I know that love is just a shout into the void, and that oblivion is inevitable, and that we’re all doomed and that there will come a day when all our labor has been returned to dust, and I know the sun will swallow the only earth we’ll ever have, and I am in love with you.” 

Lately it has come to mind that while life is incredibly short it can feel incredibly long.

Each day starting as a continuation of the yesterday in an endless sort of loop.

I bounce between the mindless drones of the day to day and inspirations of transformation.

As more time passes and another year is here,

there is so much out of life I want and need,

and the hard painful truth of this is that I'm not where i thought I would be.

That being said, its okay-because where I am is life and living too.

Recently I tried to describe myself to another.

Pause for a moment, because there are many versions of self.

Realizing this can be overwhelming, but think about standing in a mirrored room.

You have the version of self that you truly are starring at multiple reflections...

the version of who you think you are

the version of who you want to be,

the version others see you as,

the good version, the perfect version, the flawed version,

and on and on and on....

infinite reflections of the same you.

The version I'm talking about is the one I'm creating and becoming.

Not quite who I am, and more towards who I will be.

One who is dying for freedom and adventure.

Uncertain of achieving the nomadic lifestyle in this date and time.

The Jack Kerouac or Christopher McCandless of this time.

Destined to break down the parameters of society,

rejecting the traditional path of cohabitating and reproducing.

Instead using the world as an arena for playing and adventuring.

Home is the road and the road leads west.

And all adventures stem from creating new normals and encountering life at its purest rawest moments.

Its hard to explain this all because it's not who I am in the moment.

But it's the truth of the desire of what is inside.

And when i really think about the grander picture of life,

it's so short to not be living in the way you natural fit, and too long to get there.

Really what I want, is to leave behind something bigger than right now.

Spending each moment exploring and moving about until all the pieces are collected,

then leaving them behind to be put together at a different date.

The way I've defined greatness...

is realization and actualization of full potential and unprecedented uninterrupted joy.

I want to live a life of greatness.

The great adventure, the great experience,the great love, in a great world.

Some may have a fear of change and the unknown,

I will not be dishonest, these may bring me fear.

However, I do not find discomfort in those feelings,

Rather motivation is birthed from uncertainty.

Transformation fuels my adventures of the unknown.

What brings discomfort is the known and the knowing.

Life cannot bring great transformation if it becomes known.

Life will not bring greatness the way its naturally supposed to occur.

The only thing I ever want to be predictable is a beautiful sunrise and a brilliant sunset.

Everything in-between a complete newness.

Filled with experiences that are shared and unshared,

filled with moments where time dissolves and life is literally starring you in the face.

I'd rather have 10 great years than 50 okay ones.

Anyways, back to achievement,

so how i feel about it all is this:

stuff is just stuff.

Anything that has a price tag can be replaced,

and while that stuff may bring comfort, it also brings the known.

People are irreplaceable,

and true relationships are bonded through connections that are unbreakable by time or locations.

People will fall away and reappear.

Some are there to teach and encourage us,

others there to challenge us,

others there to bring about pain and create a strength that is only born from brokenness.

I don't miss those people and I'm glad to watch them leave or to send them away,

but I am eternally thankful for the strength they helped me achieve.

but you cannot limit people or relationships, the world is a small place and each connection brings us closer.

And you realize that people are people.

And human connectedness is a blessing and an unrealized beauty.

I understand roots, and there's a lot to be said for creating a strong foundation.

That could be your greatness.

To nest is your own realization of full potential and it brings you unprecedented uninterrupted joy.

This is not for me,

because most peoples roots are worn on my body like chains,

weighing and confining my version of self.

My greatness, my legacy, my purpose...

will remain this until otherwise discovered:

a life of wandering and experiencing.

Perhaps the journey is made for one, perhaps for two or more.

But it is a journey nonetheless,

and the only predictability is the sun and the stars. 

Each day is filled with newness, change is the only constant, and time is obsolete.

When I really think about life in this way,

it creates an energy and excitement that cannot exist in any other manner.

It ignites my soul and entire mind and heart feel alive.

The truest test of self,

transformation and creation of layers upon layers of different versions.

Its human connectedness.

Its greatneess.

It's love and beauty and hopefulness.

And in the here and now, it doesn't always feel like it's this way.

But i know that we create the reality we live in.

And I will never stop fighting to find my greatness.

I will never stop creating the better version of self.

I will never stop being hopeful for a bravery that propels me into the unforeseen.

I will never stop being optimistic that its better than what it is.

And keep in mind for the here and the now,

it all matters.