I found this picture on Google, and I think it's a perfect description of how I have been feeling lately. There are so many reason I like it...because I feel like it's really representative of these feelings of anxiety I have about this "grand adventure." Which i'm sure it's completely meant to speak as loudly as it does, for all the reasons I'm going to list...(disclaimer, i hope tonights blogging doesn't end in disaster).
Firstly, I have been feeling overwhelming alone lately...just missing friends and things that are comforting to me...I have been sitting around at home a little bit too long and this tends to happen every two or three weeks unless I get out of here for a little bit...I like these gigantic stone walls because they are representative of so many obstacles that I feel have stood in my way. Plus it puts into perspective how small the individual is compared to the obstacles they must overcome.
Secondly, I like how this person is coming from empty space. It's dark and there is nothing there....I have been working on setting my gaze on the present and future and letting the past rest. This is a good reminder that even though the past is what you can see the most of, there is nothing there and it's dark and even lonelier then venturing forwards.
Thirdly, I like how, even though you can only see a small chunk of what lies ahead it's enough. That glimpse of what is "behind the wall," is enough to make you want that individual to take steps forward away from dark emptiness and into the unknown. Life is so like that sometimes, where you just get a taste for something and throw yourself headfirst into it, without knowing everything that's ahead. Those are usually the most worthwhile endeavors.It also reminds me that I don't need a whole picture to know that what lies ahead in the future is worth creeping away from the present and the known....
Here's the big summary, my only real realization today...that all this time of feeling alone and lonely and trying to figure things out and this anxiety and desperation is simply preparing me for the ultimate goal...which is trying to make it alone (for an unspecified amount of time) and it's the process of learning how to be with myself. Well this may seem obvious to everyone else, I really didn't realize this for myself until now.
I've found recently though, that often times, when you are starting out and you think it's just the beginning you look back and see that all the events leading up to it were aligned and your path was already made for you.You just have to be brave enough to step forward into the light.