“There’s a lot i don’t understand about life..you meet thousands of people, and then you meet one person, and your life is changed.. forever."

Escapism. Part II.

Lost. Alone. Desperate. Confused.

Don't you ever wonder what the fuck it all means?

"I wanna ask you-Do you ever sit and wonder? It's so strange that we could be together for so long, and never know, never care...

...What goes on in the other one's head." -Ben Folds/Regina Spektor

It's Thanksgiving...so of course...things I'm thankful for...

I'm thankful for having a place to be when it's a holiday.

I'm thankful to have my basic needs provided for.

I'm thankful I have people who will notice where I am and what I'm doing.

I'm thankful for snow.

I'm thankful for turkey and delicious food

I'm thankful to have blessings to count.

I'm thankful for technology and all the fun ways it allows us to connect with each other.

I'm thankful for having a job.

I'm thankful for the children in my life that teach me so much every day.

I'm thankful for Oliver.

I'm thankful for Annie Girl and Blackjack.

I'm thankful for the opportunities I've had in the past to travel.

I'm thankful for a new friend.

I'm thankful for music.

I'm thankful for random coincidences.

I'm thankful for coffee.

I'm thankful for the quiet.

I'm thankful for sleep.

I'm thankful for seeing old friends again.

I'm thankful for New York.

I'm thankful for my education.

I'm thankful for hope and love.

I'm thankful for laughter.

Escapism.

I need to get the fuck out.

"They say that this city will change you, but it ain't me that's been changing from what I can tell."

COME HOME

Onerepublic

Hello world

Hope you’re listening

Forgive me if I’m young

For speaking out of turn

There’s someone I’ve been missing

I think that they could be

The better half of me

They’re in the wrong place trying to make it right

But I’m tired of justifying

So I say you’ll

Come home, come home

Cause I’ve been waiting for you

For so long, for so long

And right now there’s a war between the vanities

But all I see is you and me

The fight for you is all I’ve ever known

So come home

Oooooh oooh

Sara Bareilles

I get lost in the beauty

Of everything I see

The world ain’t as half as bad

As they paint it to be

If all the sons

If all the daughters

Stopped to take it in

Well hopefully the hate subsides and the love can begin

It might start now yeah

Well maybe I’m just dreaming out loud

Until then

Come home, come home

Cause I’ve been waiting for you

For so long, for so long

And right now there’s a war between the vanities

But all I see is you and me

The fight for you is all I’ve ever known

Ever known

So come home

Ooooooh oooooooooooooh

Duet : Onerepublic – Sara Bareilles

Everything I can’t be

Is everything you should be

And that’s why I need you here

Everything I can’t be

Is everything you should be

And that’s why I need you here

So hear this now

Come home, come home

Cause I’ve been waiting for you

For so long, for so long

And right now there’s a war between the vanities

But all i see is you and me

The fight for you is all I’ve ever known

Onerepublic

Ever known

So come home

Come home

Sara Bareilles

Come home, come home

I’ve been waiting for you

Onerepublic

Come home

(Photographed By E. J.)

"I am afraid that I am destructive, that if I have something good, I feel compelled to destroy it."

"Given my history, I just, I don't wanna be casual about the promise that I made to you."

"I didn't know that you made any promises."

"Well, I'm making a promise to you right now."

"I promise that I share your values about family and faithfulness and commitment..."

"Wow."

"....without a love of my own. Blue moon, you knew just what I was there for. You heard me sayin' a prayer for...Someone I really could care for..."

"Several clues point to a strong connection between the almanac's Blue Moons and the four seasons of the year. All of the listed Blue Moons fall on the 20th, 21st, 22nd, or 23rd day of November, May, February, or August. These dates fall about a month before the Northern Hemisphere winter and summer solstices, and spring and fall equinoxes, respectively, which occur on similar day numbers.

...the "Maine rule" for Blue Moons: Seasonal Moon names are assigned near the spring equinox in accordance with the ecclesiastical rules for determining the dates of Easter and Lent. The beginnings of summer, fall, and winter are determined by the dynamical mean Sun. When a season contains four full Moons, the third is called a Blue Moon."

http://www.skyandtelescope.com/observing/objects/moon/3304131.html?showAll=y&c=y

It is a mistake to try to look too far ahead. The chain of destiny can only be grasped one link at a time.

- Sir Winston Churchill

So I'm just going to try and attempt to write a little bit of my thoughts about this and hopefully it doesn't go terribly wrong. In the last 4 months of my life I have been blessed and challenged to experience some pretty intense "rare occurrences." I have been reflecting on them today, as it is a blue moon tonight...and as we know, the blue moon is a perfect symbolic representation of a rare event. The excerpts from the article I posted outline that blue moons may have a strong connection to a change of season. Well I am certainly hoping this is the case for me as well. I look at all the things that have happened to me lately and all the thoughts it's caused me to have...and I can't begin to understand any of it. The good things have been better then I could imagine and have brought more happiness then I thought possible. The bad things that have happened have been so much more worse then I could have ever imagined and have caused more heartbreak then I could express. But the point is I guess it has happened. My new favorite expression lately, "it is what it is."

I look back on the posts here, even since October I can see how much I have grown. I have learned so much lately about myself and about dealing with life and taking chances and trusting in the unknown, living life one day at a time and being brave. Lately though, I guess it's been time to apply that too life in a more general sense and after spending so much time working on myself as the individual, I have been forced to step away and face learning about myself in relationship to other people. All types of people, strangers who have crossed my path, close friends, distant friends, family members, employers old and new, people far away and people close to home, peers and children, etc... I feel like I'm a debutante at my own "coming out party." It's funny to see how quickly all those "lessons" I thought I learned were forgotten once I was forced to utilize them on a new playground. I hope I haven't failed miserably. I hoped my debut back into society was going to be a more graceful and elegant experience, but as they say...ONCE IN A BLUE MOON, SOMETHING NEW COMES ALONG THAT SCRAMBLES YOUR PRECONCEPTIONS. I guess this has been my experience.

I will wrap this up because now I'm rambling...but the two important things I have learned this weekend...

Sometimes things happen that are out of your control. Sometimes things happen that are awful. When this does happen you are allowed to feel angry and sad and you are allowed to take a moment to feel horrible for yourself. But when that moment passes then look only to the future. Do not ask "what if" or tell yourself what you "should have done." Use the experience to grow and learn...likewise if you are finding yourself in a position where you are unhappy...take the time and examine the choices you are making and recognize that everything, I mean EVERYTHING has a consequence. Every action has a reaction...there comes a time to take RESPONSIBILITY for those choices and by this I mean feeling the full weight of the consequences and learn how to use that to make you into a better person or the person you desire to be...

I always thought of my life as having a "list." There were things I put on this list to learn and to figure out and I always thought that one day I would look back and realize that I could cross out everything on that list. I would have resolution as everything I ever wanted to know or understand or become was taken care of. But I now believe that life does still have a "list," but I'll never be able to cross everything off of it. Its a list that is constantly transforming and growing and shrinking. There is no resolution as life is a constant learning process. There is no end to the questions and the self-adjustments. The list will always have things on it. And that is just how things go. Really it does make sense because no one is perfect and everyone needs to make self-adjustments to grow as individuals. But realizing this, for me to some extent, feels like the loss of innocence. It's not that life's problems are unsolvable but rather unstoppable. It is what it is, and we have no choice but to continue on.