"So far as I know we did not set sail to look for things useful but to seek honor and adventure. And here is as great an adventure as ever I heard of, and here, if we turn back, no tittle impeachment of all our honors."

On Christmas Eve, many years ago I lay quietly in my bed. I did not rustle the sheets. I breathed slowly and silently. I was listening for a sound I was afraid I’d never hear...

Sometimes seeing is believing. And sometimes the most real things in the world are the things we can’t see.

POLAR EXPRESS

Well, it's Christmas Eve already and a whole year has flown past so quickly. It's amazing how that happens in the blink of an eye months have come and gone and you realize you are standing the wake of a year full of decision making, growing, learning, experiencing. I always thought that Christmas was a magical time, probably because it's the first time I fell in love, but mainly, everyone is in this giving spirit and there is a lot of holiday cheer and family and friends reuniting. People with people, and there is nothing sweeter in life then being with people that you love, people that challenge you and people that remind you of who you are. This Christmas admittedly has crept up on me, as I have been buried in a massive pile of thoughts and new experiences. Started my search in August for life's great meaning and for my purpose and my happiness, and now it's culminated in a clash of events that have shed real light on what it means to be happy, and what it means to live life. On top of a chain of events that have pointed me in the direction I'm facing now, I realize that you have to be careful what you ask the universe for, because every now and then you get very real answers and are faced with having to truly deal with them in a really real way.

Anyways, the point is, I've dipped my toe in the pool of selfishness during this season of giving and taken a few moments lately to really prioritize myself as the most important person...and I have to admit some guilt when I say not only has it been wonderful, but there was no surviving life lately in any other way. It's interesting to really look at myself now and look at how much I've changed since last year around this time. Not only in my relationships, my actions, my habits...but my experience, the way I perceive the world, the way I communicate with other people, the integrity I carry...the attitude I have when I wake up in the morning, the way I see my life, my goals, my hopes and dreams, my deepest longings. I've fallen prey to some pretty extreme introspection and have dug deep to figure out a tentative plan for my upcoming life. I have learned a ton about trust, and following my instinct, and leaps of faith. It's been intense and it's been a journey. I know it's not over...life is a process...constantly shifting. However, I am taking a quick breather over these next few days to really let everything catch up and regroup. Its amazing how tense and stressed I've been without even realizing...I can literally feel it taking a toll on my body. Sometimes the mind can be brutal.

So upcoming days...Well today is the lovely Christmas Eve. What used to be my favorite day of the whole year. Followed by Christmas, a time of giving and receiving and relaxing and appreciating. Then we have a day of preparation...then the NYC trip has FINALLY arrived...flying out on the 27th at 10:00am to spend a lovely and excruciating 5 days alone in the BIG APPLE. This is a big deal for so many reason. Firstly, it's pushing me way out of my comfort zone...it's chance to prove all my learning has benefited me in a real way that I can handle being with myself removed from any sort of familiar context. Secondly, its a chance to really digest life as it has been and experience some new and (hopefully) life changing things in the last few days of 2010. Finally, it's a chance to seal the deal with the NYC move. To really experience the city in a full mind-blowing capacity will be very telling of upcoming MAJOR decisions I need to make about my life. I see this trip as a chance to relax and learn and recharge and grow. Hopefully it does all these things. Keeping an open mind and an adventurous spirit is essential to maximize this opportunity. 

I guess that's about it for now...I'm sure I'll be blogging again before the New Year, probably from NYC. I hope life is lovely for everyone until then. Merry Christmas. I hope the holidays are magical and life changing for you...

Song for a Winter's Night

The lamp is burnin' low upon my table top
The snow is softly fallin'
The air is still within the silence of my room
I hear your voice softly callin'

If I could only have you near
To breathe a sigh or two
I would be happy just to hold the hands I love
Upon this winter night with you

The smoke is rising in the shadows overhead
My glass is almost empty
I read again between the lines upon the page
The words of love you sent me

If I could know within my heart
That you were lonely too
I would be happy just to hold the hands I love
Upon this winter night with you

"I wonder, do we all know where we belong? And if we do, in our hearts, why do we so often do nothing about it? There must be more to this life, a purpose for us all, a place to belong. You were my home. I knew from the moment I met you..." (Beyond Borders)

Lunar Eclipse. Winter Solstice. Escapism Pt. III. Fuck, let's make this happen. Transformation.

If you are always setting your focus on the horizon and what is ahead, you will miss the little moments of beauty that happen in the details of what is right in front of your face.

“Traveling is a brutality. It forces you to trust strangers and to lose sight of all that familiar comfort of home and friends. You are constantly off balance. Nothing is yours except the essential things – air, sleep, dreams, the sea, the sky – all things tending towards the eternal or what we imagine of it.” 

– Cesare Pavese

“Adventure is a path. Real adventure – self-determined, self-motivated, often risky – forces you to have firsthand encounters with the world. The world the way it is, not the way you imagine it. Your body will collide with the earth and you will bear witness. In this way you will be compelled to grapple with the limitless kindness and bottomless cruelty of humankind – and perhaps realize that you yourself are capable of both. This will change you. Nothing will ever again be black-and-white.” 

– Mark Jenkins

Now I’ve had the time of my life
No I never felt like this before
Yes, I swear it’s the truth
And I owe it all to you
‘Cause I’ve had the time of my life
And I owe it all to you…
I’ve been waiting for so long.
Now I’ve finally found someone
To stand by me

Black Eyed Peas