“If somebody likes me, I want them to like the real me, not what they think I am. And I don't want them to carry it around inside. I want them to show me, so I can feel it, too. I want them to be able to do whatever they want around me.” -Perks of Being A Wallflower

“Sometimes people use thought to not participate in life.” -Perks

“Set me free, leave me be, I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity, here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be, but you're onto me, your all over me.” 
― Sara Bareilles

“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.” 
― Brené Brown

“When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability... To be alive is to be vulnerable.” 
― Madeleine L'Engle

“Was life, were human relations like this always, Therese wondered. Never solid ground underfoot. Always like gravel, a little yielding, noisy so the whole world could hear, so one always listened, too, for the loud, harsh step of the intruder's foot.” 
― Patricia Highsmith, The Price of Salt

All big changes creates a shift,

I thought perhaps that because of the nature of this transition,

the shift wouldn't come.

But I'm in it,

and it feels like the ground keeps moving underneath me.

And I'm finding myself grasping to hold onto the things that I know,

and the things that makes sense,

and the things that make me feel grounded.

Maybe you just find the same things differently,

and you can always expect a cause and effect from doing something new and scary.

I've thought so much about transitions,

and fear,

and change,

and dream chasing.

But-

every now and then if you think about something in too much depth,

and the shift is so jarring...

you start to fall down,

down, down, down...

and you find yourself so deep in it that there is only a tiny prick of light above you.

It's a thought avalanche that buries you deep beneath the surface of normal,

and you're too far away to climb back out.

Then despair sets in,

and you sit there alone, 

in darkness, 

mulling over your predicament,

panicking,

waiting,

hopeless.

Its not a good place to be in.

No matter how hard you try to rescue yourself,

and strategize and rationalize,

you just find yourself more stuck,

more alone,

and more lost.

But then after it seems like there is absolutely no way out,

you call for help,

and someone reaches into the darkness and saves you.

Yeah, that's why it's important to have a person.

Thankfully,

mine didn't let me down.

So here's how all the events unfolded-

She started by reminding me of better times,

she empathized,

she consoled,

she listened patiently.

Then she explained it this way,

there's a certain type of friendship that is so important,

because its those friendships that are what makes us feel most human.

And those relationships can cut through the darkest loneliness

and bring you back to the surface for air.

It does seem like these relationships can be the most pure.

Because unlike romantic relationships, you aren't trying to achieve a specific outcome,

and unlike familial relationships, you are free of any type of obligation or natural selection.

You lean on someone and they lean on you

 for no reason other then the fact that you feel safe enough to do so,

and those friendships

are a true blessing.

And indeed, it does make us feel human.

To be crying about something,

and laughing about something else,

all in the same conversation

...that feels human.

To admit a fear or a hopefulness,

no matter how rational or irrational 

and know that it won't set you apart in any way.

..that feels human.

Vulnerability is a powerful tool,

I say this because it is both related to relationships and feeling human.

It's  terrifying and addicting to find yourself vulnerable to someone else,

or even something else.

It's terrifying because everything is stripped away,

you have nothing to hid behind,

nothing to distract from an absolute truth,

and you have taken down all the walls,

so there's no hidden meanings or speaking in metaphors.

Whether is good, bad, scary, tragic, or completely random,

it's is a full representation of itself.

It is honest

And you hope that the recipient is careful,

and respectful and delicate with it,

but you don't have control over how people receive vulnerability.

It's scary to be who you truly are and expose all the flaws and scars,

and while you may practice introspection with yourself often,

that kind of honesty with other people is a whole different arena.

But it's addicting because there is a certain pleasure taken in being exactly who you are.

And giving someone else an opportunity to understand you in a way most other people wouldn't.

Because its this way that we can grow human connection,

and allow ourselves to be seen the way that we see ourselves.

And as we wander about in this world,

looking for the place where we belong,

what more could we want then just to be understood and appreciated as the real version of ourselves?

So much of life is motivated by searching for acceptance from others.

Distributing a certain amount of vulnerability creates opportunity to grow with someone,

connect with someone,

and feel...

human.

Anyways.

It's something to think about,

and something to practice.

Allowing yourself to be vulnerable can teach you about you in ways that nothing else can.

And it's the only way we can reach a deeper level with another person,

and sometimes it's the way we ask for help,

so that someone else can pull us out of a deep darkness,

and remind us that we are human again.

And that even if we don't know all the reasons why,

it's okay to feel the way we feel.

And vulnerability can bring about a certain validation,

that we expose the best and worst parts of ourselves,

and that it doesn't always end in rejection,

but can sometimes even build a stronger bond.

I can understand the fear and desperation that forces someone to shed all layers,

and show some vulnerability to gain a little more connectedness.

I idolize the bravery of others doing such a necessary and difficult task.

Those are the people I admire the most,

the people I connect with the most,

and the people that I miss the most.

They are all people who are fearless enough,

to show up a side of themselves that is rare and beautiful,

and raw and honest.

I am grateful to be a recipient of this from time to time,

and I try my best to be a gentle caretaker of it the best way I know how.

And every time someone provides me with the gift of intentional honesty,

and shows a side of themselves they normally hold close,

it reminds me to return the kindness,

and allow myself to give back in the same way.

It will never be an easy task for me,

but it's perhaps the only way to relate to the world at times.

And it helps create a better version of self,

and it perpetuates transformation,

and demands an accountability.

Thoughts are just thoughts,

dormant words,

unspoken and hidden.

 While it's not important to be completely understood,

it's always important to try.

After all it grows the human connectedness...

and it keeps us from falling down.

“I'd had a little feeling of destiny. Because, you see, what I mean about affinities is true from friendships down to even the accidental glance at someone on the street-there's always a definite reason somewhere. I think even the poets would agree with me.”

“...nothing wonderful lasted forever. Joy was as fleeting as a shooting star that crossed the evening sky, ready to blink out at any moment.” 

 “Where does a story truly begin? In life, there are seldom clear-cut beginnings, those moments when we can, in looking back, say that everything started. Yet there are moments when fate intersects with our daily lives, setting in motion a sequence of events whose outcome we could never have foreseen.” 

“I was falling. Falling through time and space and stars and sky and everything in between. I fell for days and weeks and what felt like lifetime across lifetimes. I fell until I forgot I was falling.” 

Stay tonight
Don't come morning, don't come light
They may be lies, but say that we'll be alright
If we stay tonight

“She was conscious of the moments passing like irrevocable time, irrevocable happiness, for in these last seconds she might turn and see the face she would never see again.” 

Life is strangely honest with us.

Whenever you think you’ve reached a point where all of it makes total sense,

you get a funny reminder that nothing is ever as it seems.

Which is truly what I think makes everything so damn interesting.

It's the reason you can’t stop,

you can’t settle,

you have to keep wandering and exploring.

I have known that this is true for quite a while,

but I reach a lull where I forget.

And things seem a little bit more ordinary,

and pieces fall into place nicely.

And when you take a step back at the full picture you see how much actually went into it.

All of a sudden it becomes less ordinary,

and transforms into extraordinary.

I am constantly finding that I can endure more things then I realize I can.

And new experiences creates a new strength,

and a new perception,

and a new journey.

When you think back to before the unknown was known,

don’t you find that you couldn’t endure the same thing twice?

Because when you have the experience once,

you know what to expect

You prepare and visualize,

and can accurately weigh the pros and cons of it all.

Unlike the first time,

where all you have is a goal,

and the challenge of creating tasks that sequentially lead to the accomplishment.

It’s funny how we can do something the first time so fearlessly,

but then that experience is tainted,

and each time you encounter something similar,

you are too prepared to approach it without a sense of anxiety.

I guess some things are like that and others aren’t.

But I truly think that I have a craving for those things that are that way.

So I can continue to live with a brave fearlessness,

and an innocence toward the unknown.

But try not to repeat it again,

because knowing can be too difficult.

It’s funny the way that contradicts itself-

the idea of fearing the unknown and change,

but knowing that it is a lesser fear then knowing and having to do it again.

Human nature is the most amazing thing.

The way we connect with each other,

the layers and layers of complexity we have,

as we move about the world.

It’s never only one way,

and the funny part is,

we sometimes just have to ask in order to peel away another layer.

We form these barriers to keep some people in

and to keep others out.

There’s no one way it always happens.

Usually though,

we bump around in the dark looking for another similar being,

wandering about in the same way.

Someone who understand us a bit better than most,

someone who soothes us in ways that others can’t.

Someone who forces us to peel back the layers,

and show who we truly are beneath the complexity.

And I think at core of everything, we look the same.

We are both hopeful and damaged,

we are searching for happiness and love,

we appreciate a real sense of security,

we desire companionship,

and we are selfish.

We know that even though it’s not the same for everyone,

when we find something we like,

we hang on tightly.

Afraid to let it go because it may not ever return,

afraid to expose too much,

because we are afraid of vulnerability.

We prey on those relationships because they hold us up,

higher than most normal things,

and the undeniability of it all is that it may be mutual,

but it's hard to say the things we really mean,

because sometimes those things don’t reveal themselves to us.

It’s hard to be in the world sometimes,

It’s hard not to be so selfish,

and it's hard to not hold on so tightly to the things that make us who we are.

It’s hard to move away from the circle of comfort we create by gravitating towards those similarities,

and it’s hard to step out into some unknown.

I guess I never thought it would be easy,

but more easier at times.

I wonder why then,

if it’s so hard to fight against this unknown,

why it still feels harder to replicate a new experience.

Nothing happens the same way twice,

but are fear of vulnerability,

and having to find ourselves back in a place where we don’t understand,

is enough to steer in a different direction.

I think unexpected vulnerability may be easier,

because you have no choice.

You are backed up against a wall and there is only one way out.

You can’t strategize or prepare,

you just have to act.

You endure simply to survive,

and there is a beauty found in the vulnerability of surviving.

I have so much more to learn about all of it,

or maybe it’s just this simple.

I don’t really know.

I just hope that I can find ways to move about the world honestly,

and I can fear the unknown,

but still create a hopefulness in the journey.

That I can experience,

but remain humble and innocent.

That when I find the thing that makes me who I am,

I can hold it until it's time to let it go,

and practice being selfless instead of selfish.

The important part is that we keep trying,

because there’s beauty in imperfections,

patience is obtained by both learning and practicing.

And after all,

things never happen the same way twice.