"I have long thought that anyone who does not regularly - or ever - gaze up and see the wonder and glory of a dark night sky filled with countless stars loses a sense of their fundamental connectedness to the universe."

the way I feel

the power to steal a moment,

to seal a glance,

in every word that's breathed

until your last.

my heart knows what my head cannot hide,

deny it no more

even though I have tried.

how strange and intriguing,

is this quiet tormenting.

myself i'm deceiving,

as my heart is fermenting.

“We do not live an equal life, but one of contrasts and patchwork; now a little joy, then a sorrow, now a sin, then a generous or brave action”

"Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning and unquenchable."

PLEASE NEVER FORGET ME ONCE I'M GONE.

"Normal day,

 let me be aware of the treasure you are.  

Let me learn from you, love you, bless you before you depart.  

Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow. 

 Let me hold you while I may, 

for it may not always be so.  

One day I shall 

dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face in the pillow, or stretch myself taut, or 

raise my hands to the sky and want, more than all the world, 

your return." 

"Will you say to me when I’m gone-Your face has faded but lingers on - 'Cause light strikes a deal with each coming night"

“The human condition is such that pain and effort are not just symptoms which can be removed without changing life itself; they are the modes in which life itself, together with the necessity to which it is bound, makes itself felt." 

I know. Baby I’m just fighting you know,

fighting for my family. I don’t know what

to do, I don’t know what else to do. Tell

me what to do, tell me what to do.

I don’t know what to do.

Tell me how I should be.

I don’t know.

Just tell me, I’ll do it, I’ll do it.

I don’t know what to say, I’m so sorry, I

don’t know what to do anymore.

Just tell me and I’ll do it.

-Blue VALENTINE

There is no remedy for love but to love more.   -Henry David Thoreau

There's a lot I understand about life and living and people. I know interaction and communication. I know basic needs. I understand human complexities. What I don't understand is love. I know it. I feel it. It's recognizable. But how does it hold so much power. It's a dangerous weapon that takes no prisoners. It''s more powerful then a hurricane, and quieter then the night sky. It changes people. It changes everything. It warps perspective and clouds the mind. It brings moments to life that are unforgettable and stirs up the strongest emotions. Why are we inherently searching for love? to give love and receive love. The worlds true currency and the essence of the human condition. Why is it so hard to capture something so pure and powerful? Why is it so hard to hold onto this? There is nothing that weakens me like the thought of loving someone. The most impossible irrational and perfect experience. Full surrender of the self, trusting someone else with your most protected self. Full vulnerability and trust. How do we know it's worth it? What happens when you fall out of love? And there is nothing left. Can we lose the capacity to love someone who we once loved more then anything else. If love is sacrifice, the ultimate sacrifice, there is no guarantee you will walk away with anything intact. You may lose everything. Walking into the dark with your heart in a million irreparable pieces. The torment of loving someone, the agony of losing yourself, the hardship of sharing yourself-I can't imagine the appeal to any of it, but then I see the fall. And it's so beautiful. The beginnings are so perfect. The moment, the look, the feeling. And I know how it lures you in. the sweetest innocence and the grandest promise of transformation. So you leap with both feet in, that is if you get up the courage. Sacrifice your heart to the worthy individual who makes you see life as a possibility instead of a challenge. Because perhaps, just maybe it's the fall. The euphoria and the intensity of the fall-if you are brave enough to dare-that will change  you. Leave you left holding your glass heart in front of you with eyes squeezed shut tightly, daring to fall.

"I just wake up each day in a slightly different place. Grief is like a moving river, so that's what I mean by it's always changing. It's a strange thing to say because I'm at heart an optimistic person, but I would say in some ways it just gets worse. It's just that the more time that passes, the more you miss someone."

“I want to be like water. I want to slip through fingers, but hold up a ship.” -Michelle Williams

"There is one spectacle grander than the sea, that is the sky; there is one spectacle grander than the sky, that is the interior of the soul."

“Don't you realize that the sea is the home of water? All water is off on a journey unless it's in the sea, and it's homesick, and bound to make its way home someday”

I believe in  the endless stretches of ocean I see. I believe in the tide and the waves. I crave the smell of the salty spray. I crave the sounds of the water meeting the earth. The ocean is freedom. Let me flee to the boundless infinity of a life at sea.

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."

well i haven't blogged in a while, i apologize for the slacking. i can feel it all building up in my head too. been swept away in the craziness of living in a new place, the beginnings of a job search, holiday travel plans, and general settling in. meant to do a Thanksgiving blog, but found myself without my computer. realized from looking back on last Thanksgiving blog entry that I have a lot to be grateful. The basics of me is still there, however quite a bit has changed. the thought pace has definitely slowed since leaving NYC. perhaps it's because I have other outlets to release them, or the fact that I'm not constantly in my head, or maybe inspiration runs more scarce outside of the concrete jungle. I miss NYC, the freedom and adventure and gritty city living. i have been convinced lately though, of how much i made the right choice to leave. i got all i could get out of it at the moment i was there. it's time to put that book up on the shelf and i can revist it later. i'm not back to square one it seems of figuring out my life path. much less controlled then last time, still taking things as they come. i realize though its wide open spaces. partially i would like to buy a car and make it my home for the next couple months and drive all over the us, discovering the hidden hideouts. exploring city streets, hiking the grand canyon, driving open desert roads and winding through the mountains of new york state. someday maybe. i have decided that my sights are still set on california. again. waiting for the right time to pull the trigger because this will be one of the last big chapters of the great adventure and i want to make sure i'm stable and ready to really settle down somewhere. there is much traveling to be done before that. i feel like a sponge. i am absorbing everything i see and do and each new adventure teaches me something new about the world i live in and the people around me. how fortunate to be such a free agent. i'm obsessed with travel and have already began to brainstorm for my next trip. i was called the "wandering gypsy" the other day. i take that as a compliment. like alexander supertramp, my home is the road. also working on a new bucket list. have been having some big ideas lately. i have discovered that being an avid fan has provided me much happiness for my two greatest obsession. but success of others can be quite motivating. lately i've also been strangely aware of my age. too old to be the way i want. too young to make excuses. such a strange time of self-evolution. things i'm continuing to be: patient with waiting for life to unfold, trying, the constant struggle, of being zen and calm with myself, counting my blessings, building and breaking relationships, open eyes and open ears to my world around me, appreciating every opportunity, listening to some amazing music. there are definitely things i couldn't live without. technology, internet, music, the sunset, the ocean, a warm smile, love. this i know. okay well hopefully i'll be better with keeping up with this thing. i really like charting my thoughts because it's fun to look back later. my pictures just remind me of how much better my photography skills are getting. carry on living. laughing. dancing. exploring. don't forget what got you here. remember the dark times so you always remember to step into the light. keeping an open mind and light heart. never settle. never stop loving. beauty is the essence of everything.celebrate. life.