"At some point in life the world's beauty becomes enough. You don't need to photograph, paint or even remember it. It is enough. No record of it needs to be kept and you don't need someone to share it with or tell it to. When that happens — that letting go — you let go because you can."
Some things in life are so amazing there is no way to truly know...you just have to appreciate the beauty.
Named after the Roman Goddess of Dawn-Auora and the Green name for Wind-Boreas
"I know you see me...
Like some wide eyed dreamer:
That just rolled in off a dusty mid-west bus."
Reflections
Preface: this is going to be really random...
The First Topic: If you cannot tell by the beginning of this post-I've been thinking a lot about beauty lately...I'm sure it's mostly to do with my new geographical location. Lately I've been finding so much beauty EVERYWHERE and in EVERYTHING. It's been a real healing perspective for me to have actually, and I feel blessed because it's just sort of happened. Other then desiring a new perspective on life I didn't do anything significant to cause this. It is new though...and this is going to sound really stupid...but every song I hear is the best song I've ever heard, ever simple interaction I have feels like someone granted me a random act of kindness, every success I achieve I celebrate. The shock of being in NYC has worn off slightly (as tomorrow makes it 2 months in this glorious city), however I can't help but think at least twice every day that I am living the dream. No matter how hard life feels, or how lonely it gets, or the weather, or work, nothing, NOTHING...can change this underlying contentment and satisfaction and pride I have for being here...living here...making a life for myself here. Yes, it's hard at times, yes its overwhelming at times...but I'M DOING IT. And while I generally believed this was possible the whole time, I was really scared to be on my own for the first time. I mean really on my own...far away from the people I know and the places I know...But I think it's the fact that I am alone that I can find the beauty in life I have been ignoring before...it was always there. Just living is a beautiful thing. I think for the first time in a while...maybe ever...I'm seriously excited about the possibility of life and I know that whether it's scary or not I can do it! And that is a beautiful feeling.
The Second Topic: There's something that's been on my mind lately a lot. And I really want to share it, because I've never really expressed this before. And I can't really stop thinking about it. There is no real significance to these stories to anyone other then myself, because it was two really personal interactions, but nonetheless let me tell you...
When I was on the airplane flying to LaGuardia from O'hare...I was so nervous, exhausted, emotional, anxious, excited, scared...you name the emotion and I was probably feeling it. When we boarded the plane I found my seat (had picked the window seat in order to get pictures) and the two remaining seats on my right were empty. The flight wasn't full, it was Valentines Day, a Monday...I was looking out the window waiting for the plane to take off (I already hate flying and the plane was delayed on the runway) and this girl sat down in the aisle seat of my row.She was in her early 30's, traveling alone, and one of those people who just says whatever the hell is on her mind simply because she can. She added a colorful commentary to the fact that we were delayed (for the second time), she talked about the people around us (why she moved seats), and settled herself in. I was not the most responsive person as I was working really hard to just keep my shit together (the move, the flight, everything...). She asked me where I was from as the plane finally left the runway. Something about the way I look during takeoff...I must look like hell because more than once someone has tried to start up a conversation with me-which tells me they are so concerned they are taking the time to offer distraction. I took a few seconds to answer the question...mostly because I was distracted worrying if we were going to make it to our cruising altitude. But then I said well originally from Chicago, but I guess now from NYC, I'm moving. She said "Oh" and went back to studying her textbook for a few second and then looked at me and said, "wait, so this is the move?" and I said, "this is the move." The rest of the flight there was more conversation. She was originally from NYC but living in Chicago for a few years, she
studied pre-med and is currently a doctor at Illinois Masonic Medical Center, living in Lincoln Park. She was flying back to NYC for the Westminster Dog Show. I think about her a lot.
The other person I want to tell you about...his name was Eric. I met him later that afternoon, after arriving in Greenpoint I set my bags down and immediately ventured out to my first apartment showing I had set up. Little did I know at the time I mastered a very tricky subway transfer-my first solo subway experience and my first NYC subway experience ever. I found his apartment, which was very nice, but in a very questionable neighborhood. He had an awesome dog and a room with a balcony and a roof with an amazing view. Seemed like the perfect home. He was a freelance photographer, and other then admitting very causally he dabbled in psychedelic drugs and smoked a ton of weed was a fairly normal guy. He had great taste in music and the apartment was clean and well decorated. We sat and talked for a while. I asked a lot of questions, and he was patient. I explained I have never looked for an apartment before and not sure about the process...somewhere during the interview I think I had subconsciously decided I couldn't take this apartment (as it was the 1st one I had seen and I had been in the city 2 hours), although it was offered to me. But nonetheless our conversation moved to profession, pets, lifestyle, furniture, roommates, travel, music....He was the first person I met here. And still has been one of the kindest. We went our separate ways and I let him know I wouldn't be taking the room, I'm sure he found a roommate. I still think about him a lot.
(Sorry this is getting really lengthy)
The Third Topic: This is somehow connected to the previous topics...but unrelated all the same. So I've learned a lot so far, experienced a LOT. So many firsts have gone by so quickly...my first apartment search, my first day of work, my first ferry ride, the first time I saw the Statue of Liberty, the first time I rode the subway/bus, the first time I walked the Brooklyn Bridge, my first time driving a car through Manhattan, my first time attending a book signing, the list of "first time"s I've seen or done or accomplished something is endless. I can't say this has been perfect, but what is perfection anyways-all relative. There is a lot of things one faces when they are discovering themselves alone in a new place for the FIRST time...These are the things I've learned about myself-
I'm a dreamer. I've always been a dreamer and I always will be. I dream big but I'm capable of accomplishing most of those dreams. This may make me someone who doesn't always appreciate the moment, but I'm learning how to do both. I wouldn't ever want to lose or compromise my dreamer-ness. This makes me happy and it's who I am.
I'm stronger then I thought I was...not in the ways I originally thought I was strong but in totally different ways. I'm not afraid to be alone, in fact I enjoy spending the day with myself. I enjoy spending time with myself in general and I need too, because it helps me process life. I'm not afraid of death or dying. I'm not afraid of taking risks. I have more self control then I thought I did.
I'm in a learning process. I'm so young, only 23!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Life is totally just beginning and there are so many things I want to see and do, and there is no rush, because really wanting something is an amazing motivator. And sometimes it takes times to achieve those dreams. But in general I'm not scared of not knowing what I'm meant to be doing. In fact I have a ton of ideas of what I want to do with my life. I have been playing with the ideas of different professions down the road. I love mastering something and I love working hard. The more frequently I can challenge myself doing working different types of jobs keeps life interesting. Plus, there are so many choices out there...why settle for doing one thing forever. Again...there is time.
I'm sure this crazy idea to not have children and this inner voice telling me I need to be alone for a while is a HUGE hint to what lies ahead. Not in a bad depressing way...and not even in the selfish way I thought. But rather, I want to live dangerously-I want to travel to exotic places, I want hike/camp, I want to change jobs, change locations, I want to buy a boat, I want to learn how to surf, I want to live on a beach, I want to go cave diving...the list is endless...none of this is conducive for being a mother. Children need stability and safety, and schedules and consistency. I want to be unpredictable, adventuresome, and slightly reckless at times. Maybe this will all get out of my system as I experience more and get older. But right now...I see lots of adventuring ahead...lots of things that are slightly dangerous, new hobbies to learn, new places to visit. New challenges to master. New people to meet.
So I have been telling this to myself lately, "Keep dreaming, keep learning, keep experiencing. The possibilities are endless. You are stronger then you think, remember things take time. Don't hurry life, enjoy the moment."
Well I guess that's it. Told you it was random. Feels good to get that out there.
Promise I'll minimize the personal ramblings next time.
You put your arms around me
and I believe that it's easier for you to let me go
You put your arms me and I'm home
and I believe that it's easier for you to let me go
You put your arms me and I'm home
Arms-Christina Perri