"...And do not forget the law of rhythm—that is at the back of everything. Count on rhythm; it never has failed yet, and it never will. Watch for the high tides of yourself and flow up with them; when the inevitable low tides come, either rest or meditate. You cannot escape rhythm. You transcend it by working with it. You can even turn and grow young, for time also has its tides; and there are many ripples in the long sea-swell of life."

"I always swore I would never live in New York," Sara Bareilles says with a laugh from her New York apartment. "I always felt so overwhelmed here. It's ironic -- the thing you think you don't need is the thing you actually need most."

So how do you do it,
With just words and just music,
Capture the feeling that my earth is somebody's ceiling
Can I deliver in sound
The weight of the ground
Of a cemetery
In the center of Queens

"What is that feeling when you’re driving away from people and they recede on the plain till you see their specks dispersing? – it’s the too-huge world vaulting us, and it’s good-bye. But we lean forward to the next crazy venture beneath the skies."

This is my winter song to you

The storm is coming soon

It rolls in from the sea

My voice, a beacon in the night

My words will be your light

To carry you to me

Is love alive?

-S.B.

Let the bough break, let it come down crashing

Let the sun fade out to a dark sky

I can't say I'd even notice it was absent

'Cause I could live by the light in your eyes

I'll unfold before you

Would have strung together

The very first words of a lifelong love letter

Tell the world that we finally got it all right

I choose you

I will become yours and you will become mine

I choose you

There was a time when I would have believed them

If they told me that you could not come true

Just love's illusion-But then you found me

And everything changed-

And I believe in something again

My whole heart Will be yours forever

This is a beautiful start

To a lifelong love letter

Lately it's been a lot of nothing but really everything,

dealing the day ins and day outs of mundane stability,

but learning to navigate myself around the different parts of the familiar,

letting it all just setting in my soul, filling me up to capacity.

I learn accountability to myself, too keep the nows and always as interesting as possible,

exhausting further energies to realize the beauty in the little things.

It's surprising how much is not missed,

and even more surprising how fast thoughts disappear.

I wonder who would believe me if i told them I think about my city every day,

everything sparks me to drift away so quickly into a daydream of the "what was...

and I know it was easier there to practice being a better version of myself.

The silences are so much louder now,

and i'm faced with less chances to prove that I'm transforming anonymously.

But no regrets, because the things I appreciate now are the things I lacked so much then.

The busy predictability of life, and friendship, and accessibility are scattering about my days,

and I know exactly who I need to be in relation to my circumstance.

I have succeeded and excelled at all the things I thought would be so difficult to master.

The things that are hard are all the things I knew would come.

Its a quite satisfaction in simply surviving the everyday mundane life.

I know who I can count on, I know who I can turn to...

I know who I get excited to see, and I know who to avoid,

every face that circles is a face that I've seen before.

It's about making the most of everything you hate, to appreciate the things you didn't know you would ever be.

Maybe someday...soon or in the future I'll be in that place again where everything is a fight to survive,

where everything matters...and you are battling the uncertainties and unpredictability of the life you knew you were supposed to live.

Where things count and things transform and things amaze,

and beauty if everywhere.

But until them...really it comes down to this:

we accept the love we think we deserve.

It's about choosing an attitude that reflects who you are as a person.

It's about representing yourself honestly,

it's about being comfortable in an uncomfortable life.

You never wanted to be me,

and I always want to be a better version of me.

Destiny. Fate. Serendipity.

It all comes into play as the universe shifts.

Its' about saying the big things that you leave unsaid because they are so scary.

Words trump action.

You hold in the things you want to keep sacred,

let out the things you have too...

When really-it becomes what's unsaid that matters.

I hope you know that I've never loved harder,

fought as intensely...to preserve a great love...

a love that last through the ages and explodes as perfection.

The long lasting, time stopping, heart breaking love.

It's important to me that you know that I prioritize this,

because it all matters. 

Without love you'll never understand the beauty in the little things...

and to me, if you can't find the beauty then it all becomes pointless.

So I choose love.

I wasn't scared; I was just somebody else, some stranger, and my whole life was a haunted life, the life of a ghost. I was halfway across America, at the dividing line between the East of my youth and the West of my future.

“I realize now that I wanted to disappear. To get so lost that nobody ever found me. To go so far away that I'd never be able to make my way home again. But I have no idea why.” 

                          

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          “Do you ever feel that way?"

"Lonely?"
I search for the words. "Restless. As if you haven't really met yourself yet. As is you'd passed yourself once in the fog, and your heart leapt - 'Ah! There I Am! I've been missing that piece!' But it happens too fast, and then that part of you disappears into the fog again. And you spend the rest of your days looking for it."

Its that magic hour again...and it's been so long since it's been this way...

do you ever find yourself so lost?

Down a road you didn't plan for, didn't choose...but rather found yourself on-

wandering the windy twists and turns and wondering how the hell you got this far along?

Where perception is everything, and it's exactly as you imagined and pretended it should go.

But now you have no clue where to go next or what to do.

Instead you are left with the choices you made and an emptiness that makes the reality turn to memories.

The times and places and people in your life that were pointing you to a destination,

but now you've forgotten where that was.

The familiar oddness...

The one that wonders why perceptions are so skewed.

To have everything and to have everything be not enough,

becomes this anthem of confusion.

Once upon a time there was a destination in sight,

and now that the city lights have faded and it's all so distant.

The waiting and the patience...the impatience replaces bravery.

I knew once upon a time is every time that isn't now.

The where and when of the greatness past.

Tell the people that they mean to you the way they do.

That you're just lost and you'll be back soon,

but finding your way is the only option to bring about the happiness deserved.

Cause in reality, even when it feels like nothing matters,

it all matters.

Transformation of past experiences to life lessons.

Damaging, honesty, hopeful brokenness.

What once was matters,

my once upon a time matter.

The most important part of it all is to have the love,

that happiness comes first,

then love hard,

appreciate beauty,

speak out truth.

Mostly, stand for the things you believe in...

cause those still matter, as unobtainable as it may seem.

Adventure, experience, forward motion,

that all matters.

But don't love blindly, because the only blind love that matters is love you show yourself.

Love you give away must be closely examined through investigative eyes.

Love first the things you know have always given back to you,

in ways you could have never helped yourself.

Love second the beauty that's in everything around you,

appreciate the simple things.

Love thirdly the kind of love that cannot be explained,

because the unexplained loves are the great ones.

The kind that fuels the file of discovery and adventure...

that makes you believe that everything has a specific part to the grander scheme of self.

I remember a past self in a different life and a different city.

I remember finding a person there that I had known all along but never came to love.

I remember loving deeper and more truly then anything,

and I remember how much it mattered.

Why are you so inevitable to me?

“Besides which, she would never understand me because I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till I drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion.” -Jack Kerouac

For Sal and Dean and all you did for me....

"The boys were sleeping, and I was alone in my eternity at the wheel, and the road ran straight as an arrow. Not like driving across Carolina, or Texas, or Arizona, or Illinois; but like driving across the world and into the places where we would finally learn ourselves..."

...Let yourself remember the times you felt invincible, and never forget the streets that you conquered. Dance all the time. Love the most. Respect the balance. Treat others fairly. Don't be discouraged. There are many more bridges ahead.
So love fearlessly, hope sincerely, and have patience.

Paradise.

The love we accept is the love we think we deserve...

is that really the truth?

I met you long ago and I knew that you were the kind of person I've always wanted to know.

The hypotheticals of life over smooth jazz and coffee,

long anxious conversations about choices and the future.

I told you the road was my home, the west is the best,

and you laughed in a way I knew you understood.

In a quiet place at a different time, in another life-

I know I had known you forever.

King of the road, master of adventure you embodied the wanderlust,

and I envied you a little bit, 

your easy ways of staying the calm collected self.

I told you tales of my adventures and your wisdom added perspective.

Somehow everything made sense like it never has before.

And now, in this time and place, I realize simply that long ago is just a phrase...

it sits on a dusty self, just out of reach and taunting me as I go about things.

Second chances are past and all that's left is the nitty gritty present of my existence.

And I add tiny sticks to keep the fire of hope alive.

Because great adventures live on through anything.

They defy time and space and past and future.

I know in another life time, we will sit down again.

I will see the spark in your eyes,

and know that you are the one that really understands.

And we will share our stories.

And everything will be as it's meant to be.

And you'll remind me that everything matters,

and you'll show me the love that I think I deserve.

“The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.”

That moment when you just knew,

that everything was the way it was meant to be.

Your soul mate, your best friend...

the person you crave the instant you wake in the morning,

and the person you miss if they are absent from your sleep.

To inspire,

to receive love, and to give love away...

endless, boundless, untouchable.

Its more then a look or a simple embrace,

it's the most unexplained perfection.

Forever and always...

"its one of those days when you wake up and feel lost in a world that doesn't belong to you. And you start searching for something or someone to feel that you mean something but you get even more lost. Yes, today is one of those days..."

Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave?
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall
But watching you stand alone?
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehowOne step closer
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand moreTime stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this...

i don't know how i got to where i am.

i don't know how i will go on from here.

i know where i have been is the most beautiful place.

i know that how i traveled has not been easy.

what will become of what has been?

what will be created out of what is left?

I  never forgot you along the way,

so proud of where I got too...feeling this mix of belonging and  un-belonging.

I have become a stranger to myself in a life I cannot recognize,

because the landscapes of my surroundings are ever changing , transforming.

Beauty is the most evident thing.

Life can be so damn beautiful.

Am i am observer or a participant?

Feeling like there is something i'm actively doing,

but feeling a victim of my own actions.

Here i am in a place i wished for,

every place i've ever wished has come to me,

surrounded me and welcomed me as  an object on the most beautiful landscape.

In fact, everything I've ever truly wanted...i've gotten.

I've shouldered the burdens along the way, setting goals and reaching higher each time.

Desires masked by successes, never more then i can handle.

So here i am... 9 months and 2 days longer...

but don't worry i didn't forget you.

you used to be in every thought, in every moment, in every sound, and every story.

i held you close, then shared you  with few, then held you close again.

and now i quietly acknowledge you as i go upon the living i am in.

And i saw love ... real true love.

And it was so beautiful.

mirroring the most brilliant sunset on the quietest beach above the most mysterious waves.

The feeling that the most perfect moment is happening,

and you feel glad and you feel hopeful.

I'm so thankful for the people who i hold close,

without whom my purpose would be lost.

Each new life, and new start to life has reminded me that i reached higher...

the sacrifice, compromise, the suitcases.

walking away from my dreams and into someone else's to gain a better perspective on the important things in life.

Now left at a place of pondering...

where to go from here?

what lies in store now that the events have come to fruition.

am i ready to leave behind and take the road less traveled?

shall i remain in a comfortable discomfort of what should be.

Should i remain in the footsteps of someone else's dreams?

Perhaps this is what I wanted the whole time,

to live in this lifetime ...these dreams are my own.

Confused with events of what should be and what will be.

Sometimes i can't believe how much of a gift life is.

Please please never take it fore granted.
Appreciate every moment because it's the most undeserved blessing.

keep yourself accountable to the world, but don't let the world own you.

realize that love has so many different faces and so many different forms.

seek out opportunities to create a better version of self.

pay homage to the beauty that is all around.

cause wherever you are going, whatever is next to come...

this is what is important

and it all matters.

I know that it's unclear now what should be,

but then again, it's never been a clear path way.

You're different then they are and you have always been that way,

but don't use that as an excuse to isolate and morph into a creature of indecision.

Embrace the love that is given to you,

and give love away...

freely and selflessly... give love away.

remain in perspective and don't get antsy for the things to come.

appreciate the moment you are in.

learn about yourself.

when it's time to reach higher,

be brave.

don't let fear and stupidity keep you from doing the right thing.

keep hope that that time will come again.

remain encouraged.

and love.

And you're perfect the way you are. I think you're perfect. And I'm truly sorry for not showing this before. But these are my scars, and I wear them proudly. This is just the center, the core, of all the layers which makes up me. And I'm proud of them. -6.13.2012

“Love what you have. Need what you want. Accept what you receive. Give what you can. Always remember, what goes around, comes around…” 

Life is a series of pulls back and forth. You want to do one thing, but you are bound to do something else. Something hurts you, yet you know it shouldn’t. You take certain things for granted, even when you know you should never take anything for granted. “A tension of opposites, like a pull on a rubber band. And most of us live somewhere in the middle.

“What I need is the dandelion in the spring. The bright yellow that means rebirth instead of destruction. The promise that life can go on, no matter how bad our losses. That it can be good again.” 

I often find myself here thinking
About the birds, the boats, and past loves that flew away or started sinking
And it's crazy here without you
I used to think this all was ours
We'd stay up late, debate on how we'd find our way
Say it's all up in the stars

I've found that with the settling process in full development the  time has come to a slow halt.

The part of me that longs for the freedom and adventure of the unknown has quieted.

The evolution of the  manic runaway has evolved and recreated itself,

began to embrace the consistencies, join in the  routines and time tables the general operate by.

And days mirror days and hours mirror hours,

but all of a sudden, for no particular reason, that's become okay.

I wonder if it's the process of growing older...and I told you this would happen.

I would hate to warn you that childlike dreams have  morphed into practicalities.

But it's not so mundane,

not what I thought it'd be.

The truth is that it becomes a whole new adventure,.

For example, i mean it in this way-

you must create a familiar to begin to appreciate the consistencies.

Everything in-between what is-predictability and complete unknown is just the transformation process.

I didn't know this, because I hadn't created a familiar for myself.

But it's important to note, there are still learning opportunities.

I'm stretching myself in new ways-learning new situations, creating new relationships....

still transformation-even though my scenery has not changed.

Little things inspires....the appreciation for the quiet Sunday afternoons,

the beauty of a rainstorm from the porch, 

the way my things begin to really feel like things...

it's in this way that i have created a sense of home and belonging.

Don't be fooled though, 

because this is where people begin to fall into the traps of time.

The perspective becomes petrified over time and warped into a twisted version of what is true.

Your idealism is replaced with cynicism,

and you gain a small minded narcissistic view on the rest of the world.

But by applying the experiences and places and giving the attention to...

things that should be appreciated,

things that were hard you overcame,

things that created a new thought,

things that challenged your person,

things that amazed you,

things that are a part of who you are as a person...

then you'll remember all the things you never want to forget.

Just because that "itch" to flee by boat, train, on foot, in the air dissipates,

it will remain on the back burner until the time is right.

Timing is everything really.

But i'm constantly remembering that it all matters.

I can feel myself transforming each day...sometimes i'm not sure what it is,

but i feel it-in the way that i think and feel .

I see it-in the way i act and the things I say...

character building that creates opportunity to live with integrity.

Bringing attention to the beauty-which doesn't stand out like a sunset on the ocean,

a Manhattan skyline,

a plane ride at dusk,..

but it's a quieter beauty-that really takes attention.

You have to stop and really open your eyes to see how it is.

June is here...and not only have I matched my record but i'm flying past it by quite a bit.

I never thought it would feel like this...

but really I do feel a sense of happiness.

I urgently encourage you to take the time to self-reflect and remember this person,

remember this version of self.

Remember how it felt to be independent even if you had to trade total freedom.

Remember to stop and see the quiet beauty,

remember to continue to set goals and push yourself,

to avoid the complacency and to keep perspective.

This is a small slice of life on a small blip on the radar on a small map.

That greatness is an action not a result.

Appreciation of progress is half the battle.

And of course love,

I don't know how I feel about love,

and I'm not sure if ill every understand.

I'm trying to open myself to newness and give ...

to not get back but just to give.

It's not the easiest, because opening doors and loving blindly can lead to unknown,

but then again-i've handled the unknown before....

and been just fine.