Maybe I know, somewhere deep in my soul, that love never lasts. And we've got to find other ways to make it alone...

OCTOBER 25TH, 2007

"...I believe that things happen for a reason. I've always said it's not about what situations you get in that define who you are as a person, rather it's how you come out of those situations...how you handle them and what lessons you learn from them. I'm in the learning process. I know that I need to learn...it's time to handle situations and not avoid them. Because I know in each and everything that I go through i'll find a lesson that progresses me as a person and teaches me something new about life or people or functionality in the moment."

JANUARY 28TH, 2008

"...I can't seem to get the idea of the "internal struggle" out of my head. That is, the eternal struggle to be honest with yourself...And I wonder, is it even really possible to be honest with yourself? As in-completely 100% honest with yourself? I don't think it is. I think we lie to ourselves as protection from the things we are afraid of or the things we can't handle. Seriously, if we allowed ourselves to be completely free and fearless we would all be different people..."

JANUARY 30TH, 2008

"...But I wonder if you know what I'm talking about when I say that you can be happy and sad at the same time. Not just "sad" but sad to the core ...to the soul...but genuinely happy at the same time. I feel like if you come to the realization that you will never be "happy" in a certain area then you will be able to brush over it...accept the sadness and pain and continue LIVING...thus you feel happy and sad. I don't know. Sometimes i think i don't make any sense..not even to myself...

MARCH 24TH, 2008

"...WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH MY LIFE & WHAT HAVE I DONE WITH MY LIFE... so those are pretty major thoughts...but recently I've just been so confused. For some wild reason...(I've never had this thought before) I've been thinking about quitting school. I don't really want to finish. I'm sure this is a phase...but I want to get out of this house and move across country and start working. Somewhere far away...not because I want to be far away but i want to make myself independent of other people. Right now when I'm alone I feel so lost and desperate...but I want to get to the point where I can just enjoy being alone..."

IT SHOCKS ME TO AN EXTENT HOW SIMILAR I AM TO MYSELF, AND CONSISTENTLY THINKING ABOUT THE SAME THINGS AS I WAS OVER TWO YEARS AGO. I CHOOSE TO BELIEVE THAT HOW I FEEL ABOUT MY LIFE NOW, ALTHOUGH SIMILAR, HAS SLIGHTLY LESS DEPRESSING UNDERTONES TO IT THEN IT DID BEFORE. WHEN I REFLECT ON MY OWN PAST REFLECTIONS I REALIZE THAT I HAVE GROWN IN A LOT OF WAYS PERSONALLY, THROUGH VARIOUS ACHIEVEMENTS AND EXPERIENCES, BUT IT ALSO MAKES ME REALIZE THAT I'M STILL ON A JOURNEY OF SELF-DISCOVERY. MAYBE IT'S PART OF GROWING UP, THE DISSOLVING OF WISHFUL THINKING, THE PART OF LIFE THAT REQUIRES MORE ACTION AND LESS REFLECTION.

IN A WAY THE SIMILARITIES BETWEEN THEN AND NOW ARE VERY COMFORTING TO ME. PERHAPS THIS IS A STRANGE SORT OF NARCISSISM, OR MAYBE IT'S JUST THE REALIZATION THAT I DO KNOW MYSELF BETTER THEN I THINK I DO. MAINLY IT MAKES ME REALIZE THAT, IN A BEAUTIFUL WAY, LIFE CYCLES YOU THROUGH THE SAME THINGS. IT'S A REACHING OF CROSSROADS WHERE YOU ARE FACED WITH MAKING A DECISION ONE WAY OR THE OTHER ON TAKING ACTION OR SITTING IN THE SIDELINES. I USED TO THINK OF LIFE AS A PATH LEADING FROM POINT A TO POINT B. BUT I NOW THINK THAT MY LIFE'S PATH MAY BE MORE CIRCULAR. SINCE IT'S CLEAR THAT LIFE IS A CONSTANT LEARNING PROCESS I SEE MYSELF CIRCLING IN THIS ENDLESS LOOP WHERE I AM CONSTANTLY WALKING TOWARDS A DESTINATION BUT AT THE SAME TIME I AM ENDING UP RIGHT BACK AT THE BEGINNING OF WHEREVER I STARTED FROM. IT'S A STRANGE IRONY WHERE I'M CONSTANTLY BEING GIVEN ADDITIONAL CHANCES TO GO BACK AGAIN AND DO IT BETTER THEN THE FIRST TIME. A BLESSING AND A CURSE.

DIVING INTO ALL THE ISSUES OF LIFE RIGHT NOW WOULD BE A WASTE OF TIME. THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS I HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT, BUT I'LL SKIP OVER MOST OF THE ABSTRACT CLIQUES I USUALLY LEAN ON AND WILL ATTEMPT TO TACKLE A SINGLE TOPIC FOR NOW. INTEGRITY. DEFINED AS : 1. ADHERENCE TO MORAL AND ETHICAL PRINCIPLES; SOUNDNESS OF MORAL CHARACTER; HONESTY 2. THE STATE OF BEING WHOLE, ENTIRE, OR UNDIMINISHED 3. A SOUND, UNIMPAIRED, OR PERFECT CONDITION.

I'M GOING TO ALLOW MYSELF TO TAKE ON A NEW PERSPECTIVE AND SAY THAT STRIVING FOR PERSONAL INTEGRITY BECOMES AN ANSWER TO ALL OF LIFE'S GREAT QUESTIONS: PURPOSE, HAPPINESS, MEANING, DISCOVERY, LOVE, ETC..."THE SOUNDNESS OF MORAL CHARACTER" IMPLIES SECURITY, CONTENTMENT, AND HAPPINESS. WHICH MAKES ME QUESTION IF ANY OF THOSE THINGS ARE POSSIBLE TO ACHIEVE WITHOUT INTEGRITY. THIS IS MEANT AS AN ABSTRACT MEANING OF INTEGRITY THAT GOES FAR BEYOND JUST TELLING THE TRUTH. BUT INSTEAD RELATES TO A LIFESTYLE CHOICE TO LIVE AND MAKE DECISIONS THAT REFLECTS HONESTLY THE PERSON WHO YOU ARE AND WHO YOU WANT TO BECOME. A CHALLENGE? YES, DEFINITELY. BUT SOMETHING WORTHY OF ATTEMPTING...COMPLETELY. "THE STATE OF BEING WHOLE" IS AN IDEA I BELIEVE ANYONE WOULD BE CRAZY TO REJECT. WHO DOESN'T WANT TO FEEL LIKE THEY ARE COMPLETE? AND THEN THIS GOES BACK TO EXACTLY MY POINT THAT LIVING WITH INTEGRITY ALLOWS ONE TO ACHIEVE HAPPINESS AND PURPOSE. ANY OTHER TYPE OF HAPPINESS THAT COMES FROM DENYING THE INEVITABLE OR QUIETLY LYING TO YOURSELF IS TEMPORARY AND FLEETING. THIS IS MY TASK AT HAND, TO LEARN WHAT IT MEANS FOR ME TO TRULY LIVE WITH INTEGRITY. I THINK THAT I ONCE I CAN ACHIEVE THIS THEN I WILL BE ABLE TO FIND HAPPINESS, MEANING, PURPOSE, AND CONTENTMENT. THUS ADDRESSING THE DEFINITION OF "SOUND, UNIMPAIRED, PERFECT CONDITION." I FEEL AS THOUGH THIS MAY BECOME MY GREATEST CHALLENGE AND MY GREATEST ACCOMPLISHMENT, DEDICATING MYSELF TO KEEPING AN HONESTY PERSPECTIVE ON MY THOUGHTS, DECISIONS, ACTIONS, AND RELATIONSHIPS.

HOW MUCH IS IT EASIER TO HID BEHIND THE SAFETY AND SECURITY OF THE WALLS WE BUILD TO PROTECT OURSELVES? UNFORTUNATELY IT'S THOSE WALLS THAT STUNT PERSONAL GROWTH AND KEEPS US FROM LIVING LIVES OF TRUE INTEGRITY. IT'S ONLY BEYOND THOSE WALLS THAT TRUE HAPPINESS CAN BE FOUND.

Thirteen is her lucky number...but I'm pretty sure at this point she doesn't need luck 10.25.10

Here are my thoughts on this: Firstly, I am VERY excited for the upcoming release of her third album on October 25th. Secondly, I am VERY impressed with the purpose and message of this album, I feel as though Taylor Swift has a lot of integrity as a person and that shows in her artistic, musical, and professional demeanor as well. Thirdly, I have realized that it's VERY humbling to realize that (as much as I'd like to think I am) I am not her biggest fan. Which speaks volumes considering how obsessive and crazy I can be. The music, the message, the success story-speaks to so many other people across age, gender, and musical preference across the Country but around the World. I am literally a number in the millions of people who celebrate this artist and while I like to think Taylor is lucky to have me as her fan, maybe I'm the lucky one to be a part of this experience.

So October 25th...good luck! Break some records. Win some awards. You deserve everything you get. Thanks for being Fearless.

"Such a beautiful mess, intertwined and overrun..."

Never mind what I knew
Nothing seems to matter now
Oh, who I was without you
I can do without
No one knows where is
How I came tumbling down
But I'm here with you now
I'm with you now
You say I'll be all right
I'm gonna trust you, babe
Gonna look in your eyes
Yeah, you say I'll be all right
I'll follow you
Into the light

-The Light (Sara Bareilles)

You cannot begin the journey without a destination in mind, but you cannot reach the destination without taking risks.

Fear is the most crippling emotion, defeat fear and the impossible is made possible.

BLIND FAITH is about trusting in your ability to patiently wait on the unknown.

True happiness is obtainable, but you must allow yourself to find it.

The things I am capable before are still the things I am capable of again.

I AM STILL THE SAME PERSON.

Blind Faith.

"So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more dangerous to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future."

— Jon Krakauer (Into The Wild)

AND SO IT IS...JUST LIKE YOU SAID IT WOULD BE...

Life goes easy on me
Most of the time
And so it is

The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her skies

Blowers Daughter

Damien Rice

I would trade a million sunrises for a million sunsets. To have a beautiful ending is so much better then a new beginning. To know how far you have come is alway easier then trying to figure out how far you could go. End each day by reflecting on the moments you spent, the people you met, and the decisions you made. Learn, appreciate, regret, and then move on. So each time a new day starts you can hope that it was better then the day before.

It’s dark now and I am very tired. I love you, always. Time is nothing.

"It's hard being left behind. I wait for Henry, not knowing where he is, wondering if he's okay. It's hard to be the one who stays."

(Clare deTamble)

"I hate to be where she is not, when she is not. And yet, I am always going."

(Henry deTamble)

I go to sleep ALONE, and wake up ALONE.

I take walks,

I work until I'm tired.

I watch

the wind play with the trash that's been under the snow all winter.

Everything seems simple until you think about it. Why is LOVE

intensified by ABSENCE?

Let the Rain-Sara Bareilles

I wish I were pretty.

I wish I were brave.

If I owned this city,

Then I'd make it behave.

And if I were fearless.

Then I'd speak my truth.

And the world would hear this.

That's what I wish I'd do.

I wanna let the rain come down...

"I read somewhere... how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong... but to feel strong."

“Don't wait until everything is just right. It will never be perfect.

There will always be challenges,

obstacles and less than perfect conditions. So what. Get started now.

With each step you

take, you will grow stronger

and stronger, more and more skilled, more and more self-confident and more and more successful.”

Change as a Commonality: The Mark of Being Human (EDIT 10.10.2010)

Human beings are creatures that are very similar to each other. Every single individual wandering around the earth shares a commonality. All of us are creations, made from the personal nature of human experience. Each one of us is fully engaged in playing the game of life: fighting the challenges and reaping the rewards. Sometimes we are accompanied by others and other times it becomes an individual effort. Few things are ever certain, even fewer things come easy. However, there is an unstoppable constant among everyone engaged in this ongoing process of life.

In all walks of life we experience change, starting at conception and continuing until one passes on. It is important in our lives. Big changes may leave an impact on us, but little ones are equally memorable. Change can come in all forms. It can be hard for us to fully understand change. The cause for this is not always obvious and the results can be unclear. Yet it’s a contagious force that acts as a catalyst for character building. There are no restrictions on change.

Dangerously, change is often accompanied by pain. It becomes confusing because humans tend to feel an unstoppable craving for change, but yet we strongly reject pain. It hurts, it’s uncomfortable, and it prohibits us from functioning normally. As much as pain can bring utter devastation to our lives, it’s necessary. Not without a price, pain takes from us.

Pain causes us to blame ourselves for problems we have no control over. It brings perpetual thoughts of merciless guilt. We require this ache in order to survive. This may seem extremely cynical. The most painful parts of life are when we are in our weakest states, but the magic of this time is that this is where the greatest, strongest changes are actually occurring. Defeat and deterioration are symptoms of change, the change that works to shape character the most.

It’s the aspect of pain accompanying change that makes us fear it. This can be a daunting idea. Perhaps we are convinced by ignoring change we can avoid pain as well. But it is impossible to ignore change. Without change we don’t evolve and adapt to the fast paced life that is constantly moving around us. This makes us pathetic and helpless, our own worst enemy. We constantly build walls just to learn to break them down again.

We desire earth shaking experiences but cling to every day consistencies.

It’s vital to recognize there is a way to overcome this fear of pain. The best way to digest difficult change is by remembering our blessings. Blessings are gifts that we acquire without the feeling of pain. We have so many blessings that it’s nearly impossible to count them all. Once we can learn how to use change as food for the soul, an opportunity to live, and the mark of being human, and once we realize how many blessings we really have, we can begin the process of self-transformation.

Self-transformation is a beautiful display of complete cleansing and re-creation of mind, body, and soul. This is the most vital part of change.

It is the key to understanding ourselves, and the key of surviving.

Change is our common denominator. Each time we undergo change we are more able to relate to other human beings. We are able to cope with the relationships and circumstances in our lives. We are more able to handle whatever life brings. So the solution is this: welcome changes, recognize change, and endure change. Remember that even though we may not be able to understand it right away, transformation is the result of change. It marks the personal evolution of self that each one of us strives to achieve.

A beautiful strength is found in simply surviving the trials of life.