"Underneath it all I'm held captive by the hole inside I've been holding back for the fear that you might change your mind I'm ready to forgive you but forgetting is a harder fight Little do you know I need a little more time..."

"Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and go do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”

-Howard Thurman 

 "Look at the stars. Same stars as last week. Last year. When we were kids. When we weren't even born. In a hundred years, no one will ever know who we were... They'll know those same stars."

Now I've been sitting on this abandoned beach for years
Waiting for the salty water to cover up my ears
But every time the tide comes in to take me home
I get scared and I'm just sitting here alone
Dreaming of the dolphin song

Regina.Spektor

“But why think about that when all the golden lands ahead of you and all kinds of unforseen events wait lurking to surprise you and make you glad you're alive to see?” 
― Jack Kerouac, On the Road

Irony has a funny way of slapping you across the face...

Sometimes, I find that we go about life doing it the hardest way possible,

all for the purpose of avoiding the inevitability of what we will be faced with.

No doubt you can run away from your problems,

far and fast,

thinking you put so much distance in the middle,

but as soon as you stop and look around you feel a tap on your shoulder,

and you turn around to see that whatever you are running from

hasn't really been that far behind.

Some people can live like that...

they spend all their time running away,

avoiding,

denying...

I had a thought the other day,

and I want to be absolutely clear and extremely honest with myself.

I am worried that all the "adventuring" and "forward motion,"

and this unconventional lifestyle of being here and there,

is actually me "running."

Maybe it started that way...

maybe it still is a bit that way,

but I hope not.

Because really,

it doesn't matter how far and how fast,

if you're running away from yourself,

you will constantly turn around and see yourself staring back at you.

So keep yourself accountable to yourself.

Make sure you are moving about the world in a way that allows yourself to be honest with yourself.

I just realized this recently,

we can do so much good and make so much progresses,

but if we forget to realize the motivation behind the action,

the purpose will be lost,

diluted by lies we have tricked ourselves into believing.

The only person I have been successful in lying too is myself.

I think that is important to understand,

and necessary to recognize this truth

Let me come back to this later...

So what do I do with a newfound sense of pride and satisfaction?

I'm living exactly the way I want to live,

in the place I want to be,

with the job I want to be doing?

Right...

fill the blank slate,

build new goals.

Peel back a layer of introspection that has never been explored.

Check. Check. and Check.

I realize that marking things finished from your bucket list is nice an all,

but what matters more is doing something with it.

I don't think everything has to change the world,

I don't think we all have create epic stories,

but I do think we have an obligation to ourselves to keep leveling up,

and trying to be better versions.

I thought I was finished.

I thought that once I got here fireworks would go off,

the puzzle would be complete,

and my world would fade to black.

Well, I did experience fireworks in the form of many beautiful sunsets,

but the puzzle is not complete.

And as I start on a new bucket list,

I realize I have always been the author of my own destiny,

and I choose how high to set the bar.

And,

as stated earlier,

I am faced with a obligation to be honest with myself.

If the last five years have proved anything,

it's that it is not easy to chase your dreams.

Lots of pieces have to fall into place,

splashed with a bit of luck,

and many many sacrifices have to be made.

It's stressful, its scary, its lonely.

But it pays back in ways that nothing else ever will.

And it only works when you are honest with yourself.

I think this is the point where a lot of people halt,

I think it's also the point people turn around and start running in the opposite direction.

Being honest with yourself is fuckiing hard.

And It doesn't always feel good,

actually it almost never feels good.

I am much more skilled in the art of being dishonest with myself,

but I am really trying to improve.

I think as I navigate this next section of life I have entered,

it will be more important than ever to remain as honest with myself as humanly possible.

This will be the new bucket list,

a single task,

that will penetrate all avenues of life,

and seemingly impossible to achieve,

but the worthiest cause:

be honest with myself.

So enter phase two of this "journey."

Involved less with actual physical location,

growing up,

moving about the world,

and more focused on living.

Can I figure out a way to live each day,

with the tools and skills I have already acquired,

but also, can I live each day being honest with myself?

Damn...this is going to be hard.

Although I have already begun to peel back a deep layer of introspection,

I'm fighting it hard,

and every step I take down that path of enlightenment, 

the voice in my head,

 that says run far and fast in the opposite direction,

gets louder and louder

and louder.

And If I've learned anything...

it's that facing our fears will have unimaginable life changing outcomes.

You will never get anywhere if you allow yourself to be crippled by fear.

So remain brave,

and stare the challenges in the face.

Practicing fearlessness will be an important strategy

when practicing self-honesty.

And don't be discouraged when things become difficult,

because no one is perfect.

The important part is your are taking steps to realize things you might have missed before.

It's a learning opportunity

Don't run in the opposite direction,

but proceed with caution and continue to put one foot in front of the other.

It will all make sense and come together eventually.

But this is a good goal to strive for in the time being.

Practice being honest with yourself, because you deserve it.

And enjoy the fireworks along the way,

but never stop living.

Never stop transforming.

Never stop appreciating the beauty,

and never stop loving.

It all matters.