"...even HAVING needs, in fact, is a sign of weakness or failure, a sign of imperfection in a world that expects nothing less than perfection. Acknowledging that you need to work on something is acknowledging a failure, and that can be hard to do." (Alice D. Domar)

MINDFULNESS

"Mindfulness allows you to learn to live in the here and now, rather than the past or future...

...Take a few breaths and center yourself. Notice what's going on around you. Use all your senses. By doing so, you begin to build a habit of appreciating what's going on in the present moment."

(Excerpts from Be Happy Without Being Perfect: Alice D. Domar, Ph. D)

TONIGHT (Sugarland)

If words could make it real
I'd tell you how I feel
Instead I'm waiting here on my knees love
I know how it feels to breathe
With you beside me
I think about it always...

"The Great Adventure"

It's funny how my perception of everything I have focused so hard to believe about life and signs and meaning can be flipped upside down in an instant. So due to 20+inches of snow hitting NYC on the day I was supposed to be leaving on my "great adventure" I was snowed out of my lovely East Coast paradise. Instantly I feel apart completely. (Was this an appropriate reaction...no probably not) However it was very revealing to me in many ways.

Firstly, it proved to myself how much I really actually do want to be in NYC...this trip was supposed to determine the amount of liking I actually had for the Big Apple. Well after pouring myself into preparation for this trip (planning, mapping, researching, etc...) I realized that mentally I spent 3 months experiencing NYC without actually being there and I can say without a doubt that I will most definitely be happy there, when the right time comes to go. Who knew you could learn so much about life experience and travel from the comfort of your own home? 

Secondly, I realized I was going about this all the wrong way. If you have at all been reading this blog...you'll notice that it was pretty much birthed to express my overflow thoughts that went into planning and executing a 5 day solo self-discovering adventure. Well I thought that it would culminate in some great self-awakening firework celebration realization on this trip. NYC was my "final destination" for my self-discovery exploration. But now that I think about it, I learned so much, SO MUCH, about myself without actually going anywhere. Perhaps that was the meaning behind this the whole time.

Thirdly, it offered a chance for me to experience true and honest disappointment. Ironically enough, I had just been saying two nights previous to the trip that I had never had a "surprise disappointment." Well let me say, I couldn't have stuck my feet farther in my mouth (down my throat really)...oops. NEVER make statements like that...EVER. Anyways, here I am...an absolute emotional heartbroken wreck over my first real life, honest to God, feet kicked out from under me, disappointment. It only took 23 years for it to happen. It revealed to me that I need to gain some better coping skills for when life doesn't go my way. (Crying and reverting back to my bad habits are not a proper way to handle things). Perspective is key...and it's one thing to say you have a healthy perspective when things are going exactly the way you want them to go, and a completely different thing to be able to maintain perspective when things disappoint you. I clearly did not have the proper perspective on things as I thought...

Well, being the newbie at this whole "experiencing disappointment" feeling, I spent the next 24 hours wallowing in self-pity and making bad decisions. I've always been one to see the world in black and white. The fact that there is a "reason for everything" is hard for me to swallow, especially in light of this being (what I thought was) a dream killing blizzard...shattering all the importance that I had continuously been building on the "great adventure." I can be a real whiner sometimes...the amount of self-pity I can muster at certain times is embarrassing. 

The point is, I think I need some self-adjustment in that area. I've been talking about integrity and trust and day to day living...well I think the test (i was referring to in the last entry) was not actually surviving being alone but rather dealing with life when it doesn't go my way. Let me tell you...NOT AN EASY LESSON. But I have digested it, and I now see the holes in all my theories. In good times or bad times, things that you can control and things you cant, surprises and disappointments...life goes on. Life does not care about your family, job, money, life experiences, hopes and dreams...life just happens. It happens to everyone everywhere no matter what their unique individual situation may be. Weather happens. Disappointment happens. 

Learning to deal with myself and learn about myself, and improve myself, I have found, is much much much much different when I am not controlling the events surrounding my existence, when things aren't going my way. Putting yourself first does not necessarily mean being selfish and self-centered, but instead means that you are taking the time to assess and accept and appreciate the GOOD and BAD parts of yourself and celebrating the things you like and dealing with the things that you dislike (in a HEALTHY way). Oh I have so much to learn about self-improvement still...but I'd like to look at this as a positive thing...learning is good, it's exciting. 

I realize that this is probably the first of many many many more disappointments to come. Just as I am going to survive this, I will survive whatever is ahead. Life throws curve balls and that's what day to day living is. I think I know this now...it's not making it through one day just so you can see the next. Rather, it's appreciating each day...ONE AT A TIME. I didn't realize this concept before, as I thought day to day living was another way of saying take things step by step...but now I believe it's having a sense of mindfulness about the moment you are in. I suppose you can't fully appreciate the future without having a healthy grasp on the present. This is a lesson that will be hard for me to learn and take lots time, but I believe this relates to brave living. Tackling the realms of self-improvement that is most difficult as well as accepting yourself when you make mistakes along the way. 

Aaaaannnnddddd that brings me back full circle to the core of my pondering: happiness. 

Additional lessons I have learned from this whole "disappointment experience," my self-perceptions are severely off. I have a very unhealthy set of expectations for myself I never even realized, where I have previously categorized myself as being a slight obsessive control freak, recent readings have lead me to believe I am actually suffering from being a perfectionist. According to the textbook Perfectionism: Theory, Research, and Treatment, the definition of NEUROTIC PERFECTIONISM is...a tendency to strive for excessively high standards and is motivated by fears of failure and concern about disappointing others. Characterized as:

1. expecting people and situations to have no flaws or faults
2. getting "stuck" on tasks
3. having perfection-orientated automatic thoughts
4. having a hyper awareness of imperfection
5. feeling shame and guilt
6. making mountains out of molehills
7. setting rigid standards
8. expecting the impossible
9. making all or nothing judgments
10. overstating what's at stake
11. overreacting

Sound a bit familiar? Well I found it to be a very accurate description of myself. A little depressing, but mostly fascinating, as I have never felt so accurately described by anything before. Which leads me back to happiness (sorry went on a little tangent there). The question I've posed before relates to finding that ultimate happiness. Well after knowing this about myself, I may have the answer. (DISCLAIMER: this may be different for everyone. I am only speaking for myself) 

I think I have not been able to find my happiness because I don't know how to accept myself in failures. Not to say I myself am a failure, but I realize part of the problem has been that I can only focus on the failures, which gets in the way of celebrating the successes. And I know I have a much longer list of successes then failures/disappointments. The key here is to not overgeneralize, keep a healthy perspective, and live "day to day" (Mindfully) through the good times and the bad times. It's about having realistic expectations as well as not demanding perfection, because if my happiness is based on things being perfect (which I think it was) then I won't ever be happy. 

Well...that's my summary of what I learned on my "great adventure." It didn't happen how I thought it would, where I thought it would, but maybe this is the "perfect" scenario of what was supposed to happen. Much more learning ahead in this upcoming year...lots to think about going into the New Year and big decisions ahead....Hopefully I'll be able to weather the storm better (literally)...and To New York City...I missed you this week. I'll see you soon!

Sarah