"Underneath it all I'm held captive by the hole inside I've been holding back for the fear that you might change your mind I'm ready to forgive you but forgetting is a harder fight Little do you know I need a little more time..."

"Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and go do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”

-Howard Thurman 

 "Look at the stars. Same stars as last week. Last year. When we were kids. When we weren't even born. In a hundred years, no one will ever know who we were... They'll know those same stars."

Now I've been sitting on this abandoned beach for years
Waiting for the salty water to cover up my ears
But every time the tide comes in to take me home
I get scared and I'm just sitting here alone
Dreaming of the dolphin song

Regina.Spektor

“But why think about that when all the golden lands ahead of you and all kinds of unforseen events wait lurking to surprise you and make you glad you're alive to see?” 
― Jack Kerouac, On the Road

Irony has a funny way of slapping you across the face...

Sometimes, I find that we go about life doing it the hardest way possible,

all for the purpose of avoiding the inevitability of what we will be faced with.

No doubt you can run away from your problems,

far and fast,

thinking you put so much distance in the middle,

but as soon as you stop and look around you feel a tap on your shoulder,

and you turn around to see that whatever you are running from

hasn't really been that far behind.

Some people can live like that...

they spend all their time running away,

avoiding,

denying...

I had a thought the other day,

and I want to be absolutely clear and extremely honest with myself.

I am worried that all the "adventuring" and "forward motion,"

and this unconventional lifestyle of being here and there,

is actually me "running."

Maybe it started that way...

maybe it still is a bit that way,

but I hope not.

Because really,

it doesn't matter how far and how fast,

if you're running away from yourself,

you will constantly turn around and see yourself staring back at you.

So keep yourself accountable to yourself.

Make sure you are moving about the world in a way that allows yourself to be honest with yourself.

I just realized this recently,

we can do so much good and make so much progresses,

but if we forget to realize the motivation behind the action,

the purpose will be lost,

diluted by lies we have tricked ourselves into believing.

The only person I have been successful in lying too is myself.

I think that is important to understand,

and necessary to recognize this truth

Let me come back to this later...

So what do I do with a newfound sense of pride and satisfaction?

I'm living exactly the way I want to live,

in the place I want to be,

with the job I want to be doing?

Right...

fill the blank slate,

build new goals.

Peel back a layer of introspection that has never been explored.

Check. Check. and Check.

I realize that marking things finished from your bucket list is nice an all,

but what matters more is doing something with it.

I don't think everything has to change the world,

I don't think we all have create epic stories,

but I do think we have an obligation to ourselves to keep leveling up,

and trying to be better versions.

I thought I was finished.

I thought that once I got here fireworks would go off,

the puzzle would be complete,

and my world would fade to black.

Well, I did experience fireworks in the form of many beautiful sunsets,

but the puzzle is not complete.

And as I start on a new bucket list,

I realize I have always been the author of my own destiny,

and I choose how high to set the bar.

And,

as stated earlier,

I am faced with a obligation to be honest with myself.

If the last five years have proved anything,

it's that it is not easy to chase your dreams.

Lots of pieces have to fall into place,

splashed with a bit of luck,

and many many sacrifices have to be made.

It's stressful, its scary, its lonely.

But it pays back in ways that nothing else ever will.

And it only works when you are honest with yourself.

I think this is the point where a lot of people halt,

I think it's also the point people turn around and start running in the opposite direction.

Being honest with yourself is fuckiing hard.

And It doesn't always feel good,

actually it almost never feels good.

I am much more skilled in the art of being dishonest with myself,

but I am really trying to improve.

I think as I navigate this next section of life I have entered,

it will be more important than ever to remain as honest with myself as humanly possible.

This will be the new bucket list,

a single task,

that will penetrate all avenues of life,

and seemingly impossible to achieve,

but the worthiest cause:

be honest with myself.

So enter phase two of this "journey."

Involved less with actual physical location,

growing up,

moving about the world,

and more focused on living.

Can I figure out a way to live each day,

with the tools and skills I have already acquired,

but also, can I live each day being honest with myself?

Damn...this is going to be hard.

Although I have already begun to peel back a deep layer of introspection,

I'm fighting it hard,

and every step I take down that path of enlightenment, 

the voice in my head,

 that says run far and fast in the opposite direction,

gets louder and louder

and louder.

And If I've learned anything...

it's that facing our fears will have unimaginable life changing outcomes.

You will never get anywhere if you allow yourself to be crippled by fear.

So remain brave,

and stare the challenges in the face.

Practicing fearlessness will be an important strategy

when practicing self-honesty.

And don't be discouraged when things become difficult,

because no one is perfect.

The important part is your are taking steps to realize things you might have missed before.

It's a learning opportunity

Don't run in the opposite direction,

but proceed with caution and continue to put one foot in front of the other.

It will all make sense and come together eventually.

But this is a good goal to strive for in the time being.

Practice being honest with yourself, because you deserve it.

And enjoy the fireworks along the way,

but never stop living.

Never stop transforming.

Never stop appreciating the beauty,

and never stop loving.

It all matters.

"Hello, can you hear me? I'm in California dreaming about who we used to be When we were younger and free I've forgotten how it felt before the world fell at our feet..."

"You are trying your best to make sense of a whole new world and a whole new self. It's scary to take steps towards independence and I wish I could help you feel softer towards yourself while you explore what that actually means. The dynamic nature of your experience right now is completely normal and those high highs and low lows are a ride that you will get used to and learn to appreciate." -Sara Bareilles

 "I knew that if I allowed fear to overtake me, my journey was doomed. Fear, to a great extent, is born of a story we tell ourselves, and so I chose to tell myself a different story from the one women are told. I decided I was safe. I was strong. I was brave. Nothing could vanquish me." -The wild.

Because these things will change
Can you feel it now?
These walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down
It's a revolution, the time will come
For us to finally win

taylor swift

Please don't stand so close to me, I'm having trouble breathing

I'm afraid of what you'll see, right now

I'll give you everything I am

All my broken heartbeats until I know you'll understand

And I will make sure to keep my distance

Say "I love you" when you're not listening

And how long can we keep this up, up, up?

christina.perri.

"Above us, the wind blew and the branching shadows rearranged themselves on our skin. Gus squeezed my hand. "It is a good life, Hazel Grace.”

Have you ever had that feeling that you were accidently dropped into someone else's life?

You look around and wonder how your landscape has evolved so drastically,

and you find yourself surrounded by newness...

and realize it's everything you ever wanted,

and you just hope so much that it stays this way,

but even if it doesn't,

you know for the moment,

in the here and now,

you're going to absorb as much as possible,

and be grateful for every second of living you get to experience.

It's funny,

because I've wanted it to be this way for so long...

when people say "I"ve waited my whole life for this moment,"

I think I've never truly understood that statement,

but now it makes more sense.

There are some things you wait forever for,

moments,

rites of passage,

and there is no other way to get to your end goal but to put in the time,

and remain patient,

and charge forward into the unknown.

It's a beautiful thing,

to have one of your dreams come true.

It's a part of the journey,

but an epic milestone along the way.

Can it be inspiration for other dream chasers?

Found my way,

following the footsteps of people who went before me.

The authors, the dedicated musicians, the oscar winners, the explorers...

those people have shown that anything is possible,

just translate this to your own story.

I never doubted that any circumstance that came along for me was an opportunity.

I know that life is a series of choices,

with a cause and effect following those decisions.

Some big,

some little,

but knowing everything matters.

Everything is strung together.

I used to spend a lot of time worrying about a lot of things,

and I don't punish myself for this,

because maybe worrying and planning and strategizing is part of the reason I am where I am.

Although,

it's important to mention that worrying without action is pointless.

As an overall rule,

 you can live freely,

if you understand that some things are in your control,

but most things aren't.

And you shouldn't worry about things out of your control,

you will find yourself much happier.

I can't stress enough the importance of not missing out.

Life is always happening,

whether you are where you want to be,

whether things are going the way you want them too,

whether your feeling triumph or tragedy,

it never stops.

So soak it all up,

don't try to rewind or fastforward,

but be right in the present.

And try to realize the beauty in it all.

Because otherwise you will miss out.

And some things take a lot of time,

and that time is not wasted if you use it really live.

I used to think that the most important thing was not to settle,

and I still think this is important.

But I also see how necessary it is to learn along the way.

As you travel down the path on your way to achieving those dreams,

snatch up all those opportunities,

appreciate the beauty in the little things,

enjoy the moment,

even if nothing is going the way you want it too.

Because if you can do this,

then you are living to the fullest extent possible.

And as you make your way along the windy road of life,

you will find you have no regrets when you look backwards.

I thought once,

you had to have it all.

You needed to be in the place you wanted to be,

and you needed to be doing the job you wanted to do,

and you needed to have the lifestyle and bank account that enabled all of it.

But as I gaze backwards,

I am so grateful that I took the opportunities along the way to practice being a better human,

and I found joy in failures,

and beauty in the mundane.

Because that's life,

and I only hope that I had learned that lesson faster.

But maybe that's something that develops with time,

and age and life wisdom. 

So now that things are the way they are,

the next step is to start building a new list.

Find some things that matter,

fill in the gaps,

set some goals,

and keep at it.

Try to shoot a tiny bit higher then before,

and know that nothing is impossible.

The last 10 years should prove that,

A resident of six states,

multiple job changes,

countless addresses,

new relationships,

and many different landscapes.

So what comes next?

A blank slate,

waiting to be filled?

I'm ready and I'm open to the newness that comes with starting over.

I will practice an active living,

with open mind and open heart.

I will continue to push myself outside what is comfortable,

and evolve into a better version of self.

I will listen to the stories of other people who cross my path,

to search for connection and grow my perspective,

and I will fill up a new list,

and begin to walk down an untraveled path,

soaking up all the beauty I can along the way.

Life is shorter then we hope it to be,

the only option is to enjoy it.

Thankful for a past,

grateful for a present,

hopeful for a future.

The changes in our life must come from the impossibility to live otherwise than according to the demands of our conscience not from our mental resolution to try a new form of life." -Tolstoy

'Cause I have been where you are before

And I have felt the pain of losing who you are

And I have died so many times, but I am still alive

I believe that tomorrow is stronger than yesterday

And I believe that your head is the only thing in your way

I wish that you could see your scars turn into beauty

I believe that today it's okay to be not okay

C.J. Perri

“Nobody will protect you from your suffering. You can't cry it away or eat it away or starve it away or walk it away or punch it away or even therapy it away. It's just there, and you have to survive it. You have to endure it. You have to live through it and love it and move on and be better for it and run as far as you can in the direction of your best and happiest dreams across the bridge that was built by your own desire to heal.” 
― Cheryl Strayed

Carry bravery for experiencing the unknown. Carry bravery for events that push you to evolve. Carry appreciation for beauty...the beauty in people and places.
The beauty in the quietest moments in the loudest of places. The beauty that is everywhere all the time, and the beauty that often gets overlooked.

Without you, well you left the cage door open 
and your pretty bird just flew. 
And I never knew that I could fly so high 
or the sky could be this blue. 
I can't believe it's real, 
so this is how it feels, 
me without you.

J.N.

“How wild it was, to let it be.” -Cheryl Strayed

I know that time has passed because my perspective has changed.

 And it's been only slight alterations,

with very subtle turns down the long path.

Part of me wonders,

could this just be the side effects of growing old?

Even gazing back into the past

I feel unbelievably equipped for the journey forward.

And the unsettled churning of inevitable changes have become soothing,

and flows like gentle waves over the shore.

I"m filling my head with daydreams about beach sunsets,

and tall palm trees,

endless summers,

and panoramic ocean views.

I feel the West calling and it's strong,

and always the roads have lead West with a short visit East.

But sometimes you have to take a few steps back to take a few steps forward.

I am endlessly and uncontrollably thankful for the journey.

The opportunity to even take the steps forward into the unknown adventures.

Free of the responsibility to health, wealth, or other humans,

I am wandering the unexplored corridors of this place we live.

Soaking in adventures and the people along the way.

I love my life and I wouldn't change a thing.

The beauty of living without regret is being able to evaluate each situation,

to celebrate triumph,

and to construct the unexpected surprises as necessary to grow and transform.

And credit it goes to those along the way,

that have offered selfless support,

surprise encouragement,

kind words.

Those who have stood by and let me find my way,

in my own way.

I urge you still to continue to grow and evolve and transform.

Work to understand and practice love to the best of your capability.

Understand the importance of relationships,

learn to depend on others and let others depend on you,

but all the while don't break off pieces of yourself in the process.

Maintain the originality of the person you strive to be,

Obtain a better balance of tending to your self and giving back to other people.

You never know what moments will be long and which will be short.

We only control the here and now,

and we can only make educated decisions and set goals for the future.

But there is a necessary flexibility as we proceed through this lifetime.

Don't forget this.

And I've seen the most beautiful example of love recently.

This has been both inspirational and encouraging.

I've seen people grow together and learn a healthy co-dependence.

I've seen good appearing from hard times.

But I've also seen people grow apart,

which sometimes happens-for both intentional and unintentional reasons.

But don't lost hope in it all,

know that somethings are inevitable and others are meant to be.

Proceed with caution but maintain your self-identity.

For better or worse,

things will happen the way they are meant too.

and I still think about you,

but I know that it's okay,

and maybe our paths will cross again someday.

it all matters.

There is beauty in the transformation.

"And I said, Stay, stay, stay. I've been lovin' you for quite some time, time, time..."

“There are so many ways to be brave in this world. Sometimes bravery involves laying down your life for something bigger than yourself, or for someone else. Sometimes it involves giving up everything you have ever known, or everyone you have ever loved, for the sake of something greater.

But sometimes it doesn't.

Sometimes it is nothing more than gritting your teeth through pain, and the work of every day, the slow walk toward a better life. 

That is the sort of bravery I must have now.” 

In the morning it comes, heaven sent a hurricane
Not a trace of the sun but I don't even run from rain
Beating out of my chest, my heart is holding on to you
From the moment I knew

“I fell in love with him. But I don't just stay with him by default as if there's no one else available to me. I stay with him because I choose to, every day that I wake up, every day that we fight or lie to each other or disappoint each other. I choose him over and over again, and he chooses me.” 

veronica roth.

You know what I've been wondering lately...

if you reach this point in life where you have been around and around and around,

in the same sort of ways as before,

and you begin to grow emotional calluses.

Where there was once an uncomfortable ache and pain,

layers grown on layers,

and it stops being painful.

Is this strength?

Is it better to be numb or is it better to feel?

Do we even have a choice in the matter?

Part of living with no regrets is learning how to look forward instead of in the past.

Its taking the experiences from before and using them to shape the future.

But never wishing it was any different than the way it is.

I hope this isn't masked by the disguise of self-transformation.

I hope this isn't giving up, or giving in, or settling.

I hope at some point those feelings return.

I believe you owe it yourself to be allowed to feel.

We want to choose in life,

to be happy but not sad,

to be brave but not to fear,

to be hopeful but to ignore discouragement,

to love without hurt,

to gain without sacrifice.

But it doesn't work that way,

at least I've never seen it look like this.

We have these opposing emotions that force us into wanted feelings,

but never regard the painful parts.

We grow impatient and frustrated during the hard parts,

and begin to feel entitled to the rewards and the joy.

But it's always work.

Nothing just happens,

it's always the action/reaction...choices that have consequences.

I've been wondering lately when it became like this.

Why everything is bland and tasteless,

where to go to summon joy,

where to go to find the darkness before the light.

It's better to feel than to be void of feelings.

To be so good at building protective walls,

that you're sacrificing the hard parts of life,

in order to avoid inevitable pain,

and then losing the joy and the happiness.

Emotions are the symptoms of life,

it's how you know you're alive and living and experiencing and growing and changing.

Numbness is the absence of living.

The absence of change and self-transformation.

Recently I had a conversation with an old friend,

about I explained that I have no interest in ordinary.

That i choose to see the past as a beginning and not as an end.

This was not an isolated event,

but rather the trial run for what lies ahead.

Before I didn't do it alone,

I had the support and company of another individual.

And that provided an unimaginable strength.

But I think about it now, and I wonder if maybe I go about it in a different way.

Use my past experience to grow my future,

because you can't wait for that support.

You can't hope that someone will go about it with you,

because you have the sole responsibility for creating your own story.

And I lived it every day again and again for a year.

The places, the people, the streets, the sounds, the lights,

all of the lights.

But just like that it all feels like a different lifetime.

A fantasy world separated from  the here and now,

the inns and outs of what life has morphed into.

And i'm sure that it's my responsibility to remember the experiences,

to grow on the past into my future.

Whether you're there or I'm void of you,

whether it happens the same way or a different way.

And i know it's all okay,

because this is the journey I'm on,

and this is way I've gone about it all.

As I said before...

the loneliest feeling is manifested from knowing you're misunderstood.

But you can spend your whole life trying to present a self that's understood.

You can spend your whole life conforming to connect,'

craving a sameness.

This may not be a good use of time and energy.

This may not further the cause,

this may not create a newness,

and this may suffocate your individualism.

Eventually leading to the emotional callus,

protection from the familiar wave of feelings,

crashing down and smoothing out the roughness,

rounding out the edges,

and making it easier to ignore what cannot be ignored.

You cannot possibly imagine what you are capable of,

because it's all circumstantial.

If I knew what I know now,

then I never would have survived any of it.

We are constantly growing and stretching and reaching into the farthest parts,

in order to adapt.

It's a beautiful thing, simply surviving the trials of life.

It's created everything I know to be true,

its created every essence of who I am,

its allowed a journey of expression where I'm free to celebrate individualism.

Sometimes you have things that you deal with,

and you work on it,

piecing it together, trying to make some sense of it.

And you work as hard as you can,

but then it becomes overwhelming-

so you put it back on the shelf to return to later.

It's okay that you don't have all the answers,

i don't expect you too.

Its okay that things don't happen in an instant.

The parts that you want to rush always take forever,

the the things that happen in an instant are always unexpected.

Its okay to have your own timeline,

create your own expectations.

It's okay to be misunderstood.

I said this is okay,

I did not say this was easy.

Remember there is not joy without sadness.

There is not bravery without overcoming fear.

There is not hopefulness without learning disappointment.

There is not love without pain,

there is not growth without sacrifice.

Don't be greedy about the good parts,

give attention to the hard parts too.

Because at the end of the day, you owe it yourself to let you feel.

To grow through the hard times,

to make the good times that much sweeter.

It's part of being, living, feeling alive.

Its actively participating in the here and now,

it's living without regrets.

Be honest with yourself when you make decisions,

do not do something because its easy,

do not do something because it's hard,

just realize that the actions you take reflect the integrity of the self as an individual.

And those choices are honest.

And it all matters.

Don't forget it that everything happens so quickly,

so don't rush it too much,

but don't be complacent.

Allow those moments you want to hurry to pass as they are supposed to.

Don't be too caught off guard by the moments that happen in an instant.

Practice love,

because even if you don't understand it,

it's still important.