It’s an omnipotent, undeniable, motivator that creeps its way into every facet of life. It forces intensity of feeling, it creates transformation and self-realization. Fear is not a friend, although it can be helpful and comforting. I have been afraid before. Startled, terrified, uneasy,
panicked, experienced the pins and needles, felt the pit of my stomach dropping. I have gone to bed with fear night after night, lying next to it, holding it. I have allowed fear to become a reality. I have welcomed fear into my life.
But not tonight.
No, tonight I feel no fear.
Tonight is simply a journey of self discovery,
tonight I will feel true freedom.
It's approximately 3:00AM. The hour between 3:00-4:00AM is both my favorite hour and my least favorite hour of all the 24 hours that cycles over and over again. It's my favorite because i'm doing one of two things: either sleeping peacefully and deep in happy dreams or i'm lying awake thinking, thinking, thinking...Both are satisfactory and relaxing-self-reassuring that is. It's a time to reward myself without pressure to do anything or be anywhere. I can simply lay in a peaceful state. It's my favorite because during those times my brain drifts off and begins to dream about things that seem possible and exciting and amazing. Things that inspire, things that accomplish, things that excite...and i plan until i'm certain in my convictions and my new goals. But those thoughts drift away with the sun. But just for this one hour, i'm deleriously tired enough to think that i'm undestructable to the world, to my life. And i hold onto that as tight as i can as i drift off into sleeping bliss. I do my best thinking during this one hour where late night changes into early morning.
It's also the worst hour of the 24 cycle. It's hard to make it to 3:00am without feeling the exhaustion death begin to eat away at my soul. And sometimes it's unsettling. The majority of people are asleep. Early to bed or late to bed, early to rise, late to rise...all types of people are asleep because it's an inbetween. And that's lonely. it's the rare people, night people, who utilize the importance of this hour. They accomplish things, socially-academically-physically...because like me, they know that it's a rare time when things begin to change into a new day-both the end and the beginning.
Recently I was told that I should make myself more available to the possibility of love. Fascinating, as if my entire existence isn't already being dragged forward inch by inch into the unknown, all in the name of love. There is no greater feeling then to have love, know love, be loved, give love...Love is the building block to everything. I have both had love and lost love. I know heartbreak and heartache. I know loyalty and compromise and dedication. I know so well this driving force that possesses every individual. I breath love as air, constantly...but yet-in a way-I understood what he meant,I believed him. Love is an entirely undefinable feeling, unique to each person. It's as unpredictable as the weather, and As dependable as the stars...showing evidence of its presence long after it's gone.
Truthfully the only thing in life that I've ever wanted is the thing I've fought most to keep, and the knowing I could never live without.
Be intense. Live honestly. Never stop dreaming.