"Let me photograph you in this light In case it is the last time That we might be exactly like we were Before we realized We were sad of getting old It made us restless..."

"Dear book, this is another day in my life. A life is like a book. A book is like a box. A box has six sides. Inside and outside, so, how do you get to what's inside? How do you get what's inside, out? Once upon a time, there lived a very pretty girl, who lived in a beautiful box, and everybody loved her."

Everything I love about who I am and everything I hate,

I learned it all.

No regrets...

There is beauty in every adventure.

"The trick is the same as before,

Maintain patience for a life to evolve as it's meant to.

Carry an enthusiasm for relationships, an open eye for new encounters,

Keep courage to try new things, 

faith that people are inherently good,

endurance for the parts that seem unbearable..."

“Chaos is more freedom; in fact, total freedom. But no meaning. I want to be free to act, and I also want my actions to mean something.” 

Please don't stand so close to me, I'm having trouble breathing

I'm afraid of what you'll see, right now

I'll give you everything I am

All my broken heartbeats until I know you'll understand

And I will make sure to keep my distance

Say "I love you" when you're not listening

I used to be afraid of change,

big changes that create the scary unknown.

I used to be afraid of loneliness,

and having to be all by  myself.

I used to be afraid of losing control,

being swept along in a current I couldn't escape from,

forced to endure whatever was ahead.

Now those things don't seem so scary.

Maybe that comes with growing older,

maybe that comes with practice and life experience,

or maybe those fears have just fallen away.

What looms in my path,

casting gigantic shadows... vulnerability and rejection.

Universal concepts,

which lie just beneath the layers of what is real,

lurking in the subconscious.

It's not always the obvious fears that can have the largest impact,

rather it's those that lie just beyond your reach that can cause the most damage.

Obvious fears can be brushed off and avoided.

You face them or run away...

but the quiet fears,

hidden from view are what can creep up on you when you least expect it.

I can't believe that six years has passed since the blog was born.

It's a crucial document of the ups and downs that I have had,

and the lessons I have learned,

and the improvements I have made.

Its a glance into a history of an anonymous someone,

but it's letters of encouragement to a future someone else.

And I wonder how long I should continue this,

rather if time should pass and things should remain unsaid.

I can see improvements that have transpired over time,

and I can see the events that have shaped the human I am today.

Last time, we spoke about honesty,

and being honest with yourself.

I have had a hearty dose of this.

I recommend to you that you try this,

at least once in your life...

look at your reflection long and hard,

and see past the obvious characteristics,

deep into the image of the insides,

and then then past all the lies and half truths you have convinced yourself are truth.

And when all the layers are peeled back you'll see the person you truly are.

And maybe it will surprise you,

and maybe it will affirm the things you already thought were true.

But in that moment,

of true and deep introspection you will be aware of all the things you hide away,

and all the things that live deep in your soul.

It's at this point where you have a choice.

You can choose to make changes,

you can choose to face the things you don't like,

you can identify the strategies you have deployed to protect yourself...

or you turn away,

and let the layers fall back,

and let the things that exist in this place remain,

untouched and undisturbed.

The question is,

does it matter?

The answer... yes.

It does matter.

And it will not be easy,

in fact that is an understatement.

It will probably be the hardest adventure you have ever had,

it will be the most challenging, most exhausting, and most draining experience you could demand of yourself.

And it will force you to stand in front of the gigantic hidden fears,

as they tower over you,

staring you straight in the face.

And you will feel as though you have been asked to do the impossible.

Because working to transform into a better version of self,

it's not the same as asking you to re-arrange the parts of you that lie that deep in your inner workings.

But you have to understand,

to me there is not a choice in this matter.

Once you have re-arranged all the obvious things in your life,

to line up the way they are supposed too,

and you have undergone a physical search to journey to the places that matter the most,

and you have transformed the obvious parts,

the only thing that is left is buried beneath the layers.

Its not about being a "good person" or a better person,

it's not about impacting the world,

or trying to stand out,

it's about you and only you.

It's about knowing and understanding,

and truly changing.

Most don't climb down this deep into where it all lies,

because it's too hard to see what's happening,

and the journey is scary.

But we have gone too far to stop now.

And it's about being honest with yourself,

and working on the things that are left to work on,

and making the necessary changes,

or learning to live with the parts that don't make sense.

It's a crossroad, and you're standing at the fork.

And maybe you will let the layers fall back into place,

and you'll leave your defenses standing strong,

and you'll slowly surface leaving it all behind.

Or maybe you'll move the pieces around,

and start to make the little changes that will have tremendous impacts.

But the point is, the most important part is, that you explore it.

If you never ask the questions,

I promise you that you will never get the answers.

And it will remain unsaid and undone,

and you'll be left being the exact same human you are.

Which know this,

and understand this please...

You are the best version of what you can be at the time.

You should never require more of yourself then this,

because if you do, then you're just setting yourself up for failure.

Understand you may succeed at times,

and others you might fail,

but error and mistakes are the things that make us human.

Setting accurate expectations is what is most important.

Celebrate your strengths,

and understand your weakness can be improved.

Try to remember the whole point of a defense system is to protect yourself,

don't counter this by being your own worst enemy.

Do what you can with what you know,

and understand that you will learn the things that are necessary as you go along.

It will never be magical,

where you snap your fingers and it all goes away.

Life doesn't work like that,

time heals most things,

and the things that remain may always stay.

But don't let this be an excuse to not explore past the obvious.
At least once,

try to step into the shadows and examine things a little closer.

You will at least learn something,

and build character,

and understand yourself in a way you didn't before.

Have patience.

This may take time.