"Let me photograph you in this light In case it is the last time That we might be exactly like we were Before we realized We were sad of getting old It made us restless..."

"Dear book, this is another day in my life. A life is like a book. A book is like a box. A box has six sides. Inside and outside, so, how do you get to what's inside? How do you get what's inside, out? Once upon a time, there lived a very pretty girl, who lived in a beautiful box, and everybody loved her."

Everything I love about who I am and everything I hate,

I learned it all.

No regrets...

There is beauty in every adventure.

"The trick is the same as before,

Maintain patience for a life to evolve as it's meant to.

Carry an enthusiasm for relationships, an open eye for new encounters,

Keep courage to try new things, 

faith that people are inherently good,

endurance for the parts that seem unbearable..."

“Chaos is more freedom; in fact, total freedom. But no meaning. I want to be free to act, and I also want my actions to mean something.” 

Please don't stand so close to me, I'm having trouble breathing

I'm afraid of what you'll see, right now

I'll give you everything I am

All my broken heartbeats until I know you'll understand

And I will make sure to keep my distance

Say "I love you" when you're not listening

I used to be afraid of change,

big changes that create the scary unknown.

I used to be afraid of loneliness,

and having to be all by  myself.

I used to be afraid of losing control,

being swept along in a current I couldn't escape from,

forced to endure whatever was ahead.

Now those things don't seem so scary.

Maybe that comes with growing older,

maybe that comes with practice and life experience,

or maybe those fears have just fallen away.

What looms in my path,

casting gigantic shadows... vulnerability and rejection.

Universal concepts,

which lie just beneath the layers of what is real,

lurking in the subconscious.

It's not always the obvious fears that can have the largest impact,

rather it's those that lie just beyond your reach that can cause the most damage.

Obvious fears can be brushed off and avoided.

You face them or run away...

but the quiet fears,

hidden from view are what can creep up on you when you least expect it.

I can't believe that six years has passed since the blog was born.

It's a crucial document of the ups and downs that I have had,

and the lessons I have learned,

and the improvements I have made.

Its a glance into a history of an anonymous someone,

but it's letters of encouragement to a future someone else.

And I wonder how long I should continue this,

rather if time should pass and things should remain unsaid.

I can see improvements that have transpired over time,

and I can see the events that have shaped the human I am today.

Last time, we spoke about honesty,

and being honest with yourself.

I have had a hearty dose of this.

I recommend to you that you try this,

at least once in your life...

look at your reflection long and hard,

and see past the obvious characteristics,

deep into the image of the insides,

and then then past all the lies and half truths you have convinced yourself are truth.

And when all the layers are peeled back you'll see the person you truly are.

And maybe it will surprise you,

and maybe it will affirm the things you already thought were true.

But in that moment,

of true and deep introspection you will be aware of all the things you hide away,

and all the things that live deep in your soul.

It's at this point where you have a choice.

You can choose to make changes,

you can choose to face the things you don't like,

you can identify the strategies you have deployed to protect yourself...

or you turn away,

and let the layers fall back,

and let the things that exist in this place remain,

untouched and undisturbed.

The question is,

does it matter?

The answer... yes.

It does matter.

And it will not be easy,

in fact that is an understatement.

It will probably be the hardest adventure you have ever had,

it will be the most challenging, most exhausting, and most draining experience you could demand of yourself.

And it will force you to stand in front of the gigantic hidden fears,

as they tower over you,

staring you straight in the face.

And you will feel as though you have been asked to do the impossible.

Because working to transform into a better version of self,

it's not the same as asking you to re-arrange the parts of you that lie that deep in your inner workings.

But you have to understand,

to me there is not a choice in this matter.

Once you have re-arranged all the obvious things in your life,

to line up the way they are supposed too,

and you have undergone a physical search to journey to the places that matter the most,

and you have transformed the obvious parts,

the only thing that is left is buried beneath the layers.

Its not about being a "good person" or a better person,

it's not about impacting the world,

or trying to stand out,

it's about you and only you.

It's about knowing and understanding,

and truly changing.

Most don't climb down this deep into where it all lies,

because it's too hard to see what's happening,

and the journey is scary.

But we have gone too far to stop now.

And it's about being honest with yourself,

and working on the things that are left to work on,

and making the necessary changes,

or learning to live with the parts that don't make sense.

It's a crossroad, and you're standing at the fork.

And maybe you will let the layers fall back into place,

and you'll leave your defenses standing strong,

and you'll slowly surface leaving it all behind.

Or maybe you'll move the pieces around,

and start to make the little changes that will have tremendous impacts.

But the point is, the most important part is, that you explore it.

If you never ask the questions,

I promise you that you will never get the answers.

And it will remain unsaid and undone,

and you'll be left being the exact same human you are.

Which know this,

and understand this please...

You are the best version of what you can be at the time.

You should never require more of yourself then this,

because if you do, then you're just setting yourself up for failure.

Understand you may succeed at times,

and others you might fail,

but error and mistakes are the things that make us human.

Setting accurate expectations is what is most important.

Celebrate your strengths,

and understand your weakness can be improved.

Try to remember the whole point of a defense system is to protect yourself,

don't counter this by being your own worst enemy.

Do what you can with what you know,

and understand that you will learn the things that are necessary as you go along.

It will never be magical,

where you snap your fingers and it all goes away.

Life doesn't work like that,

time heals most things,

and the things that remain may always stay.

But don't let this be an excuse to not explore past the obvious.
At least once,

try to step into the shadows and examine things a little closer.

You will at least learn something,

and build character,

and understand yourself in a way you didn't before.

Have patience.

This may take time.

"Hello, can you hear me? I'm in California dreaming about who we used to be When we were younger and free I've forgotten how it felt before the world fell at our feet..."

"You are trying your best to make sense of a whole new world and a whole new self. It's scary to take steps towards independence and I wish I could help you feel softer towards yourself while you explore what that actually means. The dynamic nature of your experience right now is completely normal and those high highs and low lows are a ride that you will get used to and learn to appreciate." -Sara Bareilles

 "I knew that if I allowed fear to overtake me, my journey was doomed. Fear, to a great extent, is born of a story we tell ourselves, and so I chose to tell myself a different story from the one women are told. I decided I was safe. I was strong. I was brave. Nothing could vanquish me." -The wild.

Because these things will change
Can you feel it now?
These walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down
It's a revolution, the time will come
For us to finally win

taylor swift

Please don't stand so close to me, I'm having trouble breathing

I'm afraid of what you'll see, right now

I'll give you everything I am

All my broken heartbeats until I know you'll understand

And I will make sure to keep my distance

Say "I love you" when you're not listening

And how long can we keep this up, up, up?

christina.perri.

"Above us, the wind blew and the branching shadows rearranged themselves on our skin. Gus squeezed my hand. "It is a good life, Hazel Grace.”

Have you ever had that feeling that you were accidently dropped into someone else's life?

You look around and wonder how your landscape has evolved so drastically,

and you find yourself surrounded by newness...

and realize it's everything you ever wanted,

and you just hope so much that it stays this way,

but even if it doesn't,

you know for the moment,

in the here and now,

you're going to absorb as much as possible,

and be grateful for every second of living you get to experience.

It's funny,

because I've wanted it to be this way for so long...

when people say "I"ve waited my whole life for this moment,"

I think I've never truly understood that statement,

but now it makes more sense.

There are some things you wait forever for,

moments,

rites of passage,

and there is no other way to get to your end goal but to put in the time,

and remain patient,

and charge forward into the unknown.

It's a beautiful thing,

to have one of your dreams come true.

It's a part of the journey,

but an epic milestone along the way.

Can it be inspiration for other dream chasers?

Found my way,

following the footsteps of people who went before me.

The authors, the dedicated musicians, the oscar winners, the explorers...

those people have shown that anything is possible,

just translate this to your own story.

I never doubted that any circumstance that came along for me was an opportunity.

I know that life is a series of choices,

with a cause and effect following those decisions.

Some big,

some little,

but knowing everything matters.

Everything is strung together.

I used to spend a lot of time worrying about a lot of things,

and I don't punish myself for this,

because maybe worrying and planning and strategizing is part of the reason I am where I am.

Although,

it's important to mention that worrying without action is pointless.

As an overall rule,

 you can live freely,

if you understand that some things are in your control,

but most things aren't.

And you shouldn't worry about things out of your control,

you will find yourself much happier.

I can't stress enough the importance of not missing out.

Life is always happening,

whether you are where you want to be,

whether things are going the way you want them too,

whether your feeling triumph or tragedy,

it never stops.

So soak it all up,

don't try to rewind or fastforward,

but be right in the present.

And try to realize the beauty in it all.

Because otherwise you will miss out.

And some things take a lot of time,

and that time is not wasted if you use it really live.

I used to think that the most important thing was not to settle,

and I still think this is important.

But I also see how necessary it is to learn along the way.

As you travel down the path on your way to achieving those dreams,

snatch up all those opportunities,

appreciate the beauty in the little things,

enjoy the moment,

even if nothing is going the way you want it too.

Because if you can do this,

then you are living to the fullest extent possible.

And as you make your way along the windy road of life,

you will find you have no regrets when you look backwards.

I thought once,

you had to have it all.

You needed to be in the place you wanted to be,

and you needed to be doing the job you wanted to do,

and you needed to have the lifestyle and bank account that enabled all of it.

But as I gaze backwards,

I am so grateful that I took the opportunities along the way to practice being a better human,

and I found joy in failures,

and beauty in the mundane.

Because that's life,

and I only hope that I had learned that lesson faster.

But maybe that's something that develops with time,

and age and life wisdom. 

So now that things are the way they are,

the next step is to start building a new list.

Find some things that matter,

fill in the gaps,

set some goals,

and keep at it.

Try to shoot a tiny bit higher then before,

and know that nothing is impossible.

The last 10 years should prove that,

A resident of six states,

multiple job changes,

countless addresses,

new relationships,

and many different landscapes.

So what comes next?

A blank slate,

waiting to be filled?

I'm ready and I'm open to the newness that comes with starting over.

I will practice an active living,

with open mind and open heart.

I will continue to push myself outside what is comfortable,

and evolve into a better version of self.

I will listen to the stories of other people who cross my path,

to search for connection and grow my perspective,

and I will fill up a new list,

and begin to walk down an untraveled path,

soaking up all the beauty I can along the way.

Life is shorter then we hope it to be,

the only option is to enjoy it.

Thankful for a past,

grateful for a present,

hopeful for a future.

“What is that feeling when you're driving away from people and they recede on the plain till you see their specks dispersing? - it's the too-huge world vaulting us, and it's good-bye. But we lean forward to the next crazy venture beneath the skies.” ― Jack Kerouac, On the Road

Long live the pioneers

Rebels and mutineers

Go forth and have no fear

Come close the end is near

And I say hey, hey hey hey

Living like we're renegades

X Ambassadors

Oklahoma

I know that however things all fall into place,

whether predictable or surprising,

I'm at peace with the process.

Things that seem easy now,

will unravel quickly and morph into the unexpected,

but I can weather the storm.

What I've come out of has only taught me to persevere,

to never say never,

to never say always,

to give second chances,

9.23.15

Arizona

"There was madness in any direction, at any hour. You could strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense that whatever we were doing was right, that we were winning..."

Hunter S Thompson

New Mexico

And where I was is beautiful
Because I was free

Once upon another time
Before I knew which life was mine
Before I left the child behind me
I saw myself in summer nights
And stars lit up like candle light
I make my wish but mostly I believed...

Sara Bareilles

California

"I do know the nature of this business and I know there is ebbs and flows. And as wonderful and exciting as all this is, this is my dream come true. Some people say I'm a workaholic, and I don't think that's what it is. I think I just love it so much and, for me, it doesn't feel like work. And this has been a dream of mine for so long, and it's taken longer than I had hoped it would. That when it finally has come to me I've been so scared that it's going to go away. So there's this kinda like grasping at it and working all the time. And something really beautiful has happened in the past ten days, where I'm starting to feel like, okay I can breathe. It's okay. You've found a place. No matter what, you will always be okay." -Jessica Chastain

Endlessly Grateful for a Life Paved with Adventure.

I have absorbed a lot of change as of late,

and my world looks completely different...

Sitting here in my tower on a hill,

I can't help but absorb how much my landscape has evolved.

Such a grand adventure,

relocating across country.

Driving through mountains and deserts,

to reach the ocean,

finally.

But I've made it to where I am,

and I am indescribably happy.

Life has never felt this way before,

complete.

It's a peaceful feeling to check everything off the list.

Wondering what new adventures to obtain.

But in the here and now I am fully in the moment,

with life fully happening all around me.

What is this life?

How am I so lucky to have found my way to this place?

The sunsets are the most magnificent here,

and I have a feeling of complete belonging,

watching the sun dip into the ocean,

and stars filling the night sky.

Completely indebted to the people and circumstances that happened along the way,

each moment bringing me closer to my new reality,

each step further into this new beginning.

It's unlike it ever was before.

The streets are cleaner than the last city that stole my heart,

and I am wide-eyed and innocent.

But really,

what is there to say right now?

I have learned to share the  most necessary things,

and hold the thoughts and questions close,

waiting until it becomes clear.

No aching desire to find myself out of the middle,

but a peaceful satisfaction lies in residing here on the west coast.

I can't believe it's as real as it is,

because I am convinced I will wake up from this dream at any moment.

I miss the comfort of the relationships that I keep,

but am completely overcome with the eagerness to build new ones.

I can't help but wonder if this is the end for now,

the beginning of the second chapter,

and I'm displaced in time and geography.

A home that was waiting for me all along,

speckled with mountains and decorated with ocean waves,

this place is the most beautiful place I've ever been.

Quiet curiosity about what life will morph into,

eagerness to begin to build new consistencies.

Perhaps it was always meant to be this way,

and everything else was just a run in the grand ladder or life.

Have you ever felt that moment,

when you know that everything you wanted and worked for,

was not only within your reach,

but a complete truth?

Because I don't know how often this comes around,

and whether it will ever be this way again,

but I certainly hope that I can capture this event,

and relive it over and over again.

What will my story be?

Am I done searching?

Could this be the legacy...

Perseverance produces dividends like never expected.

Bravery and patience has paid off,

and now it's just learning to be,

and learning to stay,

and learning to continue to grow.

There's no where left to wander,

because roots have already attached themselves to this ground.

Instead adventures lie and wait,

but the hopefulness of wanting to be in this place is finally satisfied.

I never thought that events would unfold like this.

The plan was ever changing and evolving.

Each minute that passed,

each moment of discomfort,

each instance of desperation,

seems completely worth the wait,

to know that this has all fallen together like it has.

I thought maybe life would reach a plateau like this,

I hoped diligently for it.

I worked to make the right moves,

and to head in the correct direction,

but never was I certain this is what would become.

And never will I take foregranted how far I have come.

Please let this be a reminder in the future,

that big dreams can become reality,

and that figuring out your own truth,

will bring you to a place of happiness.

Nothing is ever as impossible as it seems,

but nothing is ever completely in your control.

You must do your best to travel in the direction you are meant to go.

Listen to your gut,

follow the signs and jump at every opportunity.

Each journey is important and each moment really does matter.

In the grand scheme of it all,

you're simply fitting pieces of the puzzle together until it all makes sense.

I am not foolish enough to believe it will be easy,

because life has a way of finding teachable moments.

There will be struggles ahead,

but you are well equipped to handle them.

Stay humble and modest,

help to grow yourself,

but take time to show kindness to others as well,

because after all,

they showed kindness to you.

For now though,

appreciate that you are where you are.

Keep listening to your past,

because it will revel wisdom in your future.

Enjoy the new moments.

Remind yourself that life may never be this way again.

Don't be ungrateful when the moment are dull,

don't be burdened by stress from things your can't control.

Patience,

and trust the process because it works.

I hope you know that for now I will be in this place,

finding the happiness and satisfaction that you have already obtained.

Growing through new relationships and new experiences.

Planning and plotting the next adventure.

Thank you West Coast,

you have accepted me here with open arms.

My blessing are too numerous to count.

Seek out beauty,

practice love,

and know that living is the greatest adventure of all.