"Underneath it all I'm held captive by the hole inside I've been holding back for the fear that you might change your mind I'm ready to forgive you but forgetting is a harder fight Little do you know I need a little more time..."

"Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and go do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”

-Howard Thurman 

 "Look at the stars. Same stars as last week. Last year. When we were kids. When we weren't even born. In a hundred years, no one will ever know who we were... They'll know those same stars."

Now I've been sitting on this abandoned beach for years
Waiting for the salty water to cover up my ears
But every time the tide comes in to take me home
I get scared and I'm just sitting here alone
Dreaming of the dolphin song

Regina.Spektor

“But why think about that when all the golden lands ahead of you and all kinds of unforseen events wait lurking to surprise you and make you glad you're alive to see?” 
― Jack Kerouac, On the Road

Irony has a funny way of slapping you across the face...

Sometimes, I find that we go about life doing it the hardest way possible,

all for the purpose of avoiding the inevitability of what we will be faced with.

No doubt you can run away from your problems,

far and fast,

thinking you put so much distance in the middle,

but as soon as you stop and look around you feel a tap on your shoulder,

and you turn around to see that whatever you are running from

hasn't really been that far behind.

Some people can live like that...

they spend all their time running away,

avoiding,

denying...

I had a thought the other day,

and I want to be absolutely clear and extremely honest with myself.

I am worried that all the "adventuring" and "forward motion,"

and this unconventional lifestyle of being here and there,

is actually me "running."

Maybe it started that way...

maybe it still is a bit that way,

but I hope not.

Because really,

it doesn't matter how far and how fast,

if you're running away from yourself,

you will constantly turn around and see yourself staring back at you.

So keep yourself accountable to yourself.

Make sure you are moving about the world in a way that allows yourself to be honest with yourself.

I just realized this recently,

we can do so much good and make so much progresses,

but if we forget to realize the motivation behind the action,

the purpose will be lost,

diluted by lies we have tricked ourselves into believing.

The only person I have been successful in lying too is myself.

I think that is important to understand,

and necessary to recognize this truth

Let me come back to this later...

So what do I do with a newfound sense of pride and satisfaction?

I'm living exactly the way I want to live,

in the place I want to be,

with the job I want to be doing?

Right...

fill the blank slate,

build new goals.

Peel back a layer of introspection that has never been explored.

Check. Check. and Check.

I realize that marking things finished from your bucket list is nice an all,

but what matters more is doing something with it.

I don't think everything has to change the world,

I don't think we all have create epic stories,

but I do think we have an obligation to ourselves to keep leveling up,

and trying to be better versions.

I thought I was finished.

I thought that once I got here fireworks would go off,

the puzzle would be complete,

and my world would fade to black.

Well, I did experience fireworks in the form of many beautiful sunsets,

but the puzzle is not complete.

And as I start on a new bucket list,

I realize I have always been the author of my own destiny,

and I choose how high to set the bar.

And,

as stated earlier,

I am faced with a obligation to be honest with myself.

If the last five years have proved anything,

it's that it is not easy to chase your dreams.

Lots of pieces have to fall into place,

splashed with a bit of luck,

and many many sacrifices have to be made.

It's stressful, its scary, its lonely.

But it pays back in ways that nothing else ever will.

And it only works when you are honest with yourself.

I think this is the point where a lot of people halt,

I think it's also the point people turn around and start running in the opposite direction.

Being honest with yourself is fuckiing hard.

And It doesn't always feel good,

actually it almost never feels good.

I am much more skilled in the art of being dishonest with myself,

but I am really trying to improve.

I think as I navigate this next section of life I have entered,

it will be more important than ever to remain as honest with myself as humanly possible.

This will be the new bucket list,

a single task,

that will penetrate all avenues of life,

and seemingly impossible to achieve,

but the worthiest cause:

be honest with myself.

So enter phase two of this "journey."

Involved less with actual physical location,

growing up,

moving about the world,

and more focused on living.

Can I figure out a way to live each day,

with the tools and skills I have already acquired,

but also, can I live each day being honest with myself?

Damn...this is going to be hard.

Although I have already begun to peel back a deep layer of introspection,

I'm fighting it hard,

and every step I take down that path of enlightenment, 

the voice in my head,

 that says run far and fast in the opposite direction,

gets louder and louder

and louder.

And If I've learned anything...

it's that facing our fears will have unimaginable life changing outcomes.

You will never get anywhere if you allow yourself to be crippled by fear.

So remain brave,

and stare the challenges in the face.

Practicing fearlessness will be an important strategy

when practicing self-honesty.

And don't be discouraged when things become difficult,

because no one is perfect.

The important part is your are taking steps to realize things you might have missed before.

It's a learning opportunity

Don't run in the opposite direction,

but proceed with caution and continue to put one foot in front of the other.

It will all make sense and come together eventually.

But this is a good goal to strive for in the time being.

Practice being honest with yourself, because you deserve it.

And enjoy the fireworks along the way,

but never stop living.

Never stop transforming.

Never stop appreciating the beauty,

and never stop loving.

It all matters.

"I think about that empty space a lot. That emptiness is what allows for something to actually evolve in a natural way. I've had to learn that over the years - because one of the traps of being an artist is to always want to be creating, always wanting to produce."

Creation

"I often think that the night is more alive and more richly colored than the day."

Definition

"Always retain the ability to walk away, without sentimentality, from a situation that felt unmanageable. That was a basic rule of survival. Don't lift a finger for a lost cause."

Evolution

So maybe I'm a masochist

I try to run but I don't wanna ever leave
til the walls are goin' up
in smoke with all our memories

-Rihanna

The Elements

"True wisdom comes to each of us when we realize how little we understand about life, ourselves, and the world around us."

Knowing

Every now and then, there's moments of total clarity.

where you just understand it all, 

and everything that anyone ever said makes perfect sense,

and you know the reasons they said it all,

and you're everything they said you were.

But you understand it on a different level,

and you know things that they don't.

And you believe in all the steps that brought you to where you are,

but still know nothing about where you are going.

It's a moment of despair and hope,

honesty and reality,

congruencey and momentum,

and fear.

So what do you do with it?

Let it sink it,

absorb the moment,

take what you can,

leave what you can't take.

Know that your understanding of the moment can never be fully grasped by another.

Know that your staring into the moment of the most honest reflection you ever could.

Count your blessings,

not your imperfections.

Reflect.

Readjust.

There's no possible way to take it all in, because the honesty is overwhelming, 

but you just know that you know.

And every now and then, when everything gets fuzzy,

there will be another moment that comes...

and if nothing else this is the way life works.

It comes in waves, offering you the opportunities to understand what you can handle, learn what you are capable of,

 and then it will leave you alone again.

But. its. so. real.

And not everyone can see it the way you do,

and it's not going to make sense to everyone in the same way.

But in the end it doesn't matter.

Because people will leave you,

stories will end,

endings will change,

moments will evolve,

opportunities will arise,

knowledge will grow,

hearts will be broken,

but this is the honest truth.

The most important thing, 

take time to reflect and realize and readjust.

It moves faster then you can keep up with,'

but do your best.

Stay optimistic, but don't lose touch with your own reality.

Look for the moments.

Never settle,

never quit,

keep looking until you find it...

you'll find what you're looking for...

or you'll find there is nothing to find,

either way.

It matters.

"I remember tears streaming down your face When I said, I'll never let you go When all those shadows almost killed your light I remember you said, Don't leave me here alone...

...but all that's dead and gone and passed tonight."

Everything's on fire
The war outside our door keeps raging on
Hold onto this lullaby
Even when the music's gone

Just close your eyes
The sun is going down
You'll be alright
No one can hurt you now

I could have been someone and so could anyoneI took my dreams from you when I first met you

I kept them with me, babe, and put them with my own
I can't make it all alone
I've built my dreams around you.

Fairytale of New York

The One that Got Away

Remember the glowing lights on the sidewalk.

Remember the hope in our hearts, remember the excitement in our eyes.

Remember when I believed this would be forever?

Remember holding hands in the snow?

Remember when you were young and innocent, remember how sweet that felt.

Remember four in a row, all eyes on the one.

Remember staying up too late and waking up too early?

Remember when it felt like home.

Remember when it felt like forever.

Remember feeling invincible? 

Remember falling in love, hard and fast.

Remember never wanting to forget.

Remember knowing for sure everything was going to be okay.

Remember knowing what you wanted from every situation?

Remember laughing, so much laughing.

Remember the necklace, the blue one?

Remember breakfast in bed.

Remember broken promises.

Remember lazy days, and wrapping paper on the floor?

Remember the candles and the music.

Remember the magic?

I remember.

I want to feel invincible 

and 

I want to laugh.

So much laughter.

Merry Christmas to the one that got away.

Please try and remember.

"Yet it is in our idleness, in our dreams, that the submerged truth sometimes comes to the top." -Virginia Woolf

Moon

And I can barely look at you 
But every single time I do 
I know we'll make it anywhere 
Away from here 

Light up, light up 
As if you have a choice 
Even if you cannot hear my voice 
I'll be right beside you dear 





Louder louder 

And we'll run for our lives 
I can hardly speak I understand
Run. Snow Patrol.



































but there's only one thing on my mind searching boxes underneath the counter on a chance that on a tape I'd find  a song for  someone who needs somewhere to long forhomesick cause I no longer know where home is
homesick. kings of convenience


























































Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything, it is because we are dangerously close to wanting nothing.
-Sylvia Plath











I want to feel inspired.
I want to feel repaired.
I want to understand it all.
Everything matters.
 Actions, words, what you do say, what you don't say.
I cannot shut of this endless streaming of thought.
Everything matters,
while it may not last
I hold onto it.
It's permanent.
Everlasting.
Don't damage the perfection.
Don't taint the image.
Breath it in, exhale.
I can't understand the only thing that matters.
Answers. Answer. Answers.
Love. Beauty. Truth. Passion.
Patience.
Dancing.
Everything matters.
Frustration, invention, exploration.
A sad song, a truth.
I know it all, I've been there,
the road well traveled.
I walk alone.
Into the wild.
Under the night sky.
Darkness.
Light.
It all matters.

"So you want me to tell you something about myself? I don't have anything to say. Even if I did you'd be wrong to believe me. Trust is a lie. Nobody ever knows any more."

You have to decide what your highest priorities are and have the courage - pleasantly, smilingly, nonapologetically - to say 'no' to other things.  And the way to do that is by having a bigger 'yes' burning inside.  The enemy of the 'best' is often the 'good.'

I just want to say, you're the one who abandoned me. I NEVER gave up on you...I never left you. Even now I wait.

Backbeat the word was on the street 
That the fire in your heart is out 
I'm sure you've heard it all before 
But you never really had a doubt 
I don't believe that anybody feels 
The way I do about you now 

And all the roads we have to walk along are winding 
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding 
There are many things that I would 
Like to say to you 
I don't know how 

Because maybe 
You're gonna be the one who saves me ? 
And after all 
You're my wonderwall 

"I miss you when something really good happens, because your the one i want to share it with. I miss you when something is troubling me, because your the one who understands me so well. I miss you when i laugh and cry, because i know that you are the one that makes my laughter grow and tears dissapear. I miss you all the time, but i miss you the most when i lie awake at night, and think of all the wonderful times that we spent with each other" (Morgan Nicol)

THE BEST PART OF EVERY MORNING. THE WORST PART OF EVERY NIGHT.