“If somebody likes me, I want them to like the real me, not what they think I am. And I don't want them to carry it around inside. I want them to show me, so I can feel it, too. I want them to be able to do whatever they want around me.” -Perks of Being A Wallflower

“Sometimes people use thought to not participate in life.” -Perks

“Set me free, leave me be, I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity, here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be, but you're onto me, your all over me.” 
― Sara Bareilles

“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.” 
― Brené Brown

“When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability... To be alive is to be vulnerable.” 
― Madeleine L'Engle

“Was life, were human relations like this always, Therese wondered. Never solid ground underfoot. Always like gravel, a little yielding, noisy so the whole world could hear, so one always listened, too, for the loud, harsh step of the intruder's foot.” 
― Patricia Highsmith, The Price of Salt

All big changes creates a shift,

I thought perhaps that because of the nature of this transition,

the shift wouldn't come.

But I'm in it,

and it feels like the ground keeps moving underneath me.

And I'm finding myself grasping to hold onto the things that I know,

and the things that makes sense,

and the things that make me feel grounded.

Maybe you just find the same things differently,

and you can always expect a cause and effect from doing something new and scary.

I've thought so much about transitions,

and fear,

and change,

and dream chasing.

But-

every now and then if you think about something in too much depth,

and the shift is so jarring...

you start to fall down,

down, down, down...

and you find yourself so deep in it that there is only a tiny prick of light above you.

It's a thought avalanche that buries you deep beneath the surface of normal,

and you're too far away to climb back out.

Then despair sets in,

and you sit there alone, 

in darkness, 

mulling over your predicament,

panicking,

waiting,

hopeless.

Its not a good place to be in.

No matter how hard you try to rescue yourself,

and strategize and rationalize,

you just find yourself more stuck,

more alone,

and more lost.

But then after it seems like there is absolutely no way out,

you call for help,

and someone reaches into the darkness and saves you.

Yeah, that's why it's important to have a person.

Thankfully,

mine didn't let me down.

So here's how all the events unfolded-

She started by reminding me of better times,

she empathized,

she consoled,

she listened patiently.

Then she explained it this way,

there's a certain type of friendship that is so important,

because its those friendships that are what makes us feel most human.

And those relationships can cut through the darkest loneliness

and bring you back to the surface for air.

It does seem like these relationships can be the most pure.

Because unlike romantic relationships, you aren't trying to achieve a specific outcome,

and unlike familial relationships, you are free of any type of obligation or natural selection.

You lean on someone and they lean on you

 for no reason other then the fact that you feel safe enough to do so,

and those friendships

are a true blessing.

And indeed, it does make us feel human.

To be crying about something,

and laughing about something else,

all in the same conversation

...that feels human.

To admit a fear or a hopefulness,

no matter how rational or irrational 

and know that it won't set you apart in any way.

..that feels human.

Vulnerability is a powerful tool,

I say this because it is both related to relationships and feeling human.

It's  terrifying and addicting to find yourself vulnerable to someone else,

or even something else.

It's terrifying because everything is stripped away,

you have nothing to hid behind,

nothing to distract from an absolute truth,

and you have taken down all the walls,

so there's no hidden meanings or speaking in metaphors.

Whether is good, bad, scary, tragic, or completely random,

it's is a full representation of itself.

It is honest

And you hope that the recipient is careful,

and respectful and delicate with it,

but you don't have control over how people receive vulnerability.

It's scary to be who you truly are and expose all the flaws and scars,

and while you may practice introspection with yourself often,

that kind of honesty with other people is a whole different arena.

But it's addicting because there is a certain pleasure taken in being exactly who you are.

And giving someone else an opportunity to understand you in a way most other people wouldn't.

Because its this way that we can grow human connection,

and allow ourselves to be seen the way that we see ourselves.

And as we wander about in this world,

looking for the place where we belong,

what more could we want then just to be understood and appreciated as the real version of ourselves?

So much of life is motivated by searching for acceptance from others.

Distributing a certain amount of vulnerability creates opportunity to grow with someone,

connect with someone,

and feel...

human.

Anyways.

It's something to think about,

and something to practice.

Allowing yourself to be vulnerable can teach you about you in ways that nothing else can.

And it's the only way we can reach a deeper level with another person,

and sometimes it's the way we ask for help,

so that someone else can pull us out of a deep darkness,

and remind us that we are human again.

And that even if we don't know all the reasons why,

it's okay to feel the way we feel.

And vulnerability can bring about a certain validation,

that we expose the best and worst parts of ourselves,

and that it doesn't always end in rejection,

but can sometimes even build a stronger bond.

I can understand the fear and desperation that forces someone to shed all layers,

and show some vulnerability to gain a little more connectedness.

I idolize the bravery of others doing such a necessary and difficult task.

Those are the people I admire the most,

the people I connect with the most,

and the people that I miss the most.

They are all people who are fearless enough,

to show up a side of themselves that is rare and beautiful,

and raw and honest.

I am grateful to be a recipient of this from time to time,

and I try my best to be a gentle caretaker of it the best way I know how.

And every time someone provides me with the gift of intentional honesty,

and shows a side of themselves they normally hold close,

it reminds me to return the kindness,

and allow myself to give back in the same way.

It will never be an easy task for me,

but it's perhaps the only way to relate to the world at times.

And it helps create a better version of self,

and it perpetuates transformation,

and demands an accountability.

Thoughts are just thoughts,

dormant words,

unspoken and hidden.

 While it's not important to be completely understood,

it's always important to try.

After all it grows the human connectedness...

and it keeps us from falling down.

"What are you afraid of? You've got a chance to change everything. Take it. This is about more than just surfing. This is about choices you make in life. This is about finding that one thing that sets you free. You need to believe in yourself or none of this matters."

“It's important in life to conclude things properly. Only then can you let go. Otherwise you are left with words you should have said but never did, and your heart is heavy with remorse.” 

I said oh my, what a marvellous tune

It was the best night, 

never would forget how we moved

The whole place was dressed to the nines, 

and we were dancing, dancing

Like we're made of starlight...

Starlight

"So, tomorrow, I'm leaving. And I'm not going to let that happen again with anyone else. I'm going to do what I want to do. I'm going to be who I really am. And i'm going to figure out what that is. But right now I'm here with you. And I want to know where you are, what you need, and what you want to do." 

perks. of. being. a. wallflower.

“I must say a word about fear. It is life's only true opponent. Only fear can defeat life. It is a clever, treacherous adversary, how well I know. It has no decency, respects no law or convention, shows no mercy. It goes for your weakest spot, which it finds with unnerving ease. It begins in your mind, always ... so you must fight hard to express it. You must fight hard to shine the light of words upon it. Because if you don't, if your fear becomes a wordless darkness that you avoid, perhaps even manage to forget, you open yourself to further attacks of fear because you never truly fought the opponent who defeated you.”

Life of Pi

BROOKLYN BRIDGE: New York City I love you, and it breaks my heart to know you're suffering

"To call each thing by its right name....

By its right name.
What if I were smiling and running into your arms?
Would you see then,

what I see now?"

      

“We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of the dream. Wandering by lone sea breakers, and sitting by desolate streams. World losers and world forsakers, for whom the pale moon gleams. Yet we are movers and the shakers of the world forever it seems.”

Forward: 

One year ago today, I moved out of the great city I called home for nine months...

and that drive to Boston in my white nissan versa rental was terrifying, heartbreaking, exciting, relieving...

I felt every emotion possible as I left the city in my rear-view.

And now, 365 days later, not a day goes by that I don't quietly (or not so quietly) reflect on that journey.

Thank you city of silver lights and sky high dreams for teaching me about myself,

continuing to teach me about myself,

and for representing so strongly the person I hope I'm becoming.

Love is so complex,

how it ebbs and flows like the tide on the sea.

I've never really understood love,

and maybe I never will,

but right now I'm too the point where it makes more sense.

Love and fear...

bouncing back and forth between the two like a tennis match.

Every time I get my footing secured,

I just end up jumping head first into the next scary situation.

And each time I emerge,

I see this new version of myself,

the better version...the truer version.

Sometimes it can surprise you,

the ways you change...

the things you think are steadfast,

with one jarring event

your whole world slides out from under you...

and everything you've known to always be true...forever true...

is completely different.

As quick at the winds and the rain and water recedes,

you're stuck cleaning up the massacre of the un-welcomed storm

that has destroyed your universe bit by bit.

It's been one month, a little less...

and yet I still challenged in the same ways I was challenged before.

Angry at the world for demanding a patience I've fought to sustain,

helpless at the hopelessness of every situation,

surprised with each hand I'm dealt.

Yet this bright bright bright burning fire,

this fire of hope and possibility and

invincibility...

it's captured my soul...

and so I love the adventure of the life I live,

and I love the unpredictability that keeps me accountable to myself,

and I fear the adventures that are ahead,

and I fear the unpredictability that keeps me accountable to myself.

And I'm stuck in this back and forth...

battered by an angry store of love and fear.

So let me tell you this...

because I don't understand love,

doesn't mean you never will.

Surround yourself with love,

arm yourself with love...

and fight the fears that torment.

Be brave, 

stay true to the person you want to be...

take risks...

in life.,

in love,

in everything.

Because when you fear the adventure it's okay.

It becomes an opportunity for you to learn and grow and evolve...

so you can love harder and live braver.

Stop letting the demons into your head,

they are poisoning the person you used to be,

and creating a person you never wanted to become.

Know that what you do and the things you say are real,

and they matter.

And be careful, because with forgiveness comes acceptance.

Never settle for any less then you deserve,

because that's cheating yourself of being loved the way you are supposed to be loved.

Let life be scary,

it will keep you accountable.

Know that nothing last forever,

nothing stays the same always...

APPRECIATE EVERY MOMENT!

I cannot stress this enough.

Life happens in a flash,

and you will never be fully prepared for everything.

So remain hopeful in the evolution of it all.

Appreciate the beautiful moments,

I'm not perfect,

and I don't pretend to be perfect.

But i realize the urgency of living.

The necessity of fear,

the dire need to love and to be loved.

I can only hope as the future looms ahead,

I will remain planted on my path,

I will let the Wanderlust soak into my blood.

I will embrace the person I am today,

I will strive for the person I hope to be tomorrow.

And I will enjoy the beautiful-ness of it all.

And I will try to love you with everything I can.

And I will always find the hope in the situation,

and use it as my guiding light on any adventure that is ahead.

"I can't feel that. It's sweet and everything, but it's like you're not even there sometimes. It's great that you can listen and be a shoulder to someone, but what about when someone doesn't need a shoulder. What if they need the arms or something like that?" -Perks

“I woke up as the sun was reddening; and that was the one distinct time in my life, the strangest moment of all, when I didn't know who I was - I was far away from home, haunted and tired with travel, in a cheap hotel room I'd never seen, hearing the hiss of steam outside, and the creak of the old wood of the hotel, and footsteps upstairs, and all the sad sounds, and I looked at the cracked high ceiling and really didn't know who I was for about fifteen strange seconds. I wasn't scared; I was just somebody else, some stranger, and my whole life was a haunted life, the life of a ghost.” jack kerouac On The Road.

“Look, I'm going to find a way to be happy, and I'd really love to be happy with you, but if I can't be happy with you, then I'll find a way to be happy without you.” 

Hold on, to me as we go 
As we roll down this unfamiliar road 
And although this wave is stringing us along 
Just know you’re not alone 
Cause I’m going to make this place your home 

Settle down, it'll all be clear 
Don't pay no mind to the demons 
They fill you with fear 
The trouble it might drag you down 
If you get lost, you can always be found 

“the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars.”  jack kerouac

Though I've never been through hell like that
I've closed enough windows
to know you can never look back

If you're lost and alone
Or you're sinking like a stone
Carry on
May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground
Carry on

fun.

“Live, travel, adventure, bless, and don't be sorry.”

memoirs.

sometimes I feel on the edge of greatness,

and sometimes i feel  completely lost, 

with endless distance between the person I am and the  person I want to me.

and i wonder, 

how all the pieces of the picture fit together.

how to be the better version of self.

sometimes i lay awake with empty thoughts,

sometimes i lay awake, overwhelmed by clarity.

the wandering of the well worn path,

the adventures of a voyager, exploring the empty corners of the map.

i can't help but to  fight the fight.

we all want our story to be a story worth telling,

whether it is a story retold many times,

or simply recounted a few,

or locked away and shared with no one.

it's about the worth, and finding the direction we crave.

to search and search and try to make sense of it all.

i know that beauty matters,

and i have seen so much beauty.

I have found beauty in the world, natural, pure, honest.

I have found beauty in people, the struggles and the disparity, the hope and the celebrations.

love is an essence of life.

what does this mean?

to me,

this means love is as necessary as breathing.

you must find a way to love yourself,

and then carry that love for yourself into the relationships you encounter.

find the love that matters,

find the love that is endless,

find the love that defies any other heartbreak.

never forget how far you've come,

the adventures you've experienced,

the places you have traveled,

the cities you have lived in.

you are not regressing.

if you keep those memories close to your heart,

fresh in your mind,

then, and only then, you will see...

how far you have come,

how many steps are between what you were and what you are.

growth.

transformation.

this is what brings life to the lifeless,

hope to the hopeless,

love to the loveless.

But don't lose your spirit,

don't ever stop being brave.

know that nothing last forever,

so appreciate every single moment of the here and now,

then you wont miss anything.

then your life will grain meaning.

carry on through the mundane,

push through the hard parts,

come out stronger on the other side.

love along the way.

and remember,

it all matters.

"But mostly, I was crying because I was suddenly very aware of the fact that it was me standing up in that tunnel with the wind over my face. Not caring if I saw downtown. Not even thinking about it. Because I was standing in the tunnel. And I was really there. And that was enough to make me feel infinite." _Perks of Being A Wallflower

I'm coming home, I'm coming home 
Tell the World that I'm coming...

A house is Not a Home, I hate this song 
Is a house really a home when your loved ones are gone...

Back where I belong, yeah I never felt so strong 
I feel like there's nothing that I can't try 
And if you with me put your hands high 
If you ever lost a light before, this ones for you 
And you, the dreams are for you 

"Sometimes, I look outside, and i think that a lot of other people have seen this snow before. Just like I think that a lot of other people have read those books before. And listened to those songs.
I wonder how they feel tonight."

I Love it here. I've  not even been her 48 hours, and I knew within the first 48 minutes that everything was worth it.

I'm in love with the city, the  people, the sights, the noise, the buildings.

I love every part of the adventure of figuring out what  I want my days to be like, where I'm going.

I love meeting new people and listening to their stories.

Every time I look and see that I'm staring at the Manhattan Skyline I pinch myself and wonder how I got so lucky.

I can already tell this is going to be the most amazing year of my life.

So much to learn. Every day is brand new filled with things I've never done before.

So worth it.

The  things  about being totally alone-when you are a recipient of any type of kindness...anything big or small you become so grateful.

Everything holds so much more meaning.

It's total freedom.

I'm living the dream.

Eternally grateful for all my blessings.

"The way life treats you is a merciless mirror image of your attitude toward life"

"WE ACCEPT THE LOVE WE THINK WE DESERVE"

-Perks of Being a Wallflower

I have never understood that before tonight.

Things I learned about myself:

Realization of the way that I communicate, or don't communicate with other people...

The concept of speaking with a constant filter

Grasping the idea of never allowing love to be viewed as an unconditional emotion, but rather this idea of input/output interactions.

Honestly believing in two contradictory statements, because it is simply not explainable any other way.

"So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be."

There’s something about that tunnel that leads to downtown. It’s glorious at night. Just glorious. You start on one side of the mountain, and it’s dark, and the radio is loud. As you enter the tunnel, the wind gets sucked away, and you squint from the lights overhead. When you adjust to the lights, you can see the other side in the distance just as the sound of the radio fades because the waves just can’t reach. Then, you’re in the middle of the tunnel, and everything becomes a calm dream. As you see the opening get closer, you just can’t get there fast enough. And finally, just when you think you’ll never get there, you see the opening right in front of you. And the radio comes back even louder than you remember it. And the wind is waiting. And you fly out of the tunnel onto the bridge. And there it is. The city. A million lights and buildings and everything seems as exciting as the first time you saw it. It really is a grand entrance.

I hope it's the kind of second side

that he can listen to whenever he

drives alone and feel like he belongs

to something whenever he's sad.

I hope it can be that for him.

So I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons.

And maybe we'll never know most of them.

But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from,

we can still choose where we go from there.

We can still do things.

And we can try to feel okay about them...

I remembered this one time that I never told anyone about.

The time we were walking. Just the three of us.

And I was in the middle.

I don’t remember where and I don't remember when.

I don't even remember the season.

I just remember walking between them and feeling for the first time that

I belonged somewhere.

-QUOTES FROM PERKS OF BEING A WALLFLOWER BY STEPHEN CHBOSKY

But because things change.

And friends leave.

And life doesn’t stop for anybody.