"I made up my mind when I was a young girl I've been given this one world I won't worry it away But now and again I lose sight of the good life I get stuck in a low light But then Love comes in..."

"Make a radical change in your lifestyle and begin to boldly do things which you may previously never have thought of doing, or been too hesitant to attempt. So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservation, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future....

...The very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun."

-Jon Kraukauer

There is a tide in the affairs of men.
Which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune;
Omitted, all the voyage of their life
Is bound in shallows and in miseries.
On such a full sea are we now afloat,
And we must take the current when it serves,
Or lose our ventures.

Everybody needs beauty as well as bread, places to play in and pray in, where nature may heal and give strength to body and soul alike. 
- The Yosemite (1912)

“As long as I live, I'll hear waterfalls and birds and winds sing. I'll interpret the rocks, learn the language of flood, storm, and the avalanche. I'll acquaint myself with the glaciers and wild gardens, and get as near the heart of the world as I can".” 
― John Muir 

It’s funny how little habits and small normalcies can become essential to survival.

Often times I find myself the happiest in the small quiet moments of life,

Where I am fully me and living as honestly as possible.

Change can bring so much good.

Widening of perspective,

New experiences and new people,

A great appreciation for a road never traveled,

Sights, sounds, food,

Opportunity and hopefulness.

But it also wages an internal war,

To constantly be leaving,

And behind me in the rearview the people and places of old familiarity wave sad good byes.

I’ve reached a new phase,

I’ve leveled up, so to speak.

I’m trying now to be a gardener and plant roots,

To grow something beautiful and permanent.

This was not always the way it was before,

And as I navigate uncharted territory,

I realize I am once again faced with the challenge of patience.

As things may have been instantaneous, or seemed so, prior…

Growing something takes time and effort.

Patience that the seeds will blossom into something wonderful.

I have never been good at patience,

And though I have learned to distract myself,

There is still a part of me that wants it all right now.

I wonder if all the waiting

to be in my here and now

has finally worn me down.

I wait for teachable moments to help me see a bigger picture,

And I crave the small familiarities of being in this place.

Such a seamless transition,

And I feel it bearing down on me as real decisions have to be decided.

It genuinely worries me to think that all the moving has been a bandaid,

A distraction and a temporary solution.

But then I remind myself that to be surround by this type of beauty,

It makes sense.

The ocean has always been my favorite.

It is both a divider and a connector.

Vast, powerful, and home to so many things.

Untraveled and unexplored,

But temperamental and powerful.

It mostly reminds me how very small I am.

And in this big big world,

It’s important to maintain perspective.

That life is big and it has plans you cannot even imagine.

But do not be dissuaded by size,

Because even the smallest stone can create ripples.

This is to say that it all matters,

And every piece you add to the puzzle helps create a masterpiece.

I find that the most surprising thing is that my thoughts are full,

And the bucket list has been well attended,

But there is still so much more.

Nothing I predicted,

Nothing that I planned on.

But I know that this is not enough.

Home is not the location,

But rather the place you make.

And even when it seems like it comes easy,

It still takes work.

So don’t give up.

It is easier to figure out what you really want from life,

As the distractions are removed,

One by one.

And you are left standing in the middle of the perfect life you designed.

You have to peel back the layers of it

and face the truth.

To figure out what that means to you and why knowing is important.

Maybe it’s just to to be able to come face to face with a truer version of self.

Maybe it’s too battle undefeated demons of the past.

Maybe it’s to find the tools to break down that wall that is keeping you back.

I’ve come a long way.

Longer then I thought possible in this short time,

But now that I’m here it’s time to dig deeper,

And truly understand what it means to stay.

And what it means to be completely myself

in the location of my design.

And all the distractions of the past are gone,

And all the leaving is done.

And it’s a new type of challenge that has never been endured.

But i’m confident as ever as I proceed into my new future.

Remembering how much it matters,

Maintaining patience,

And soaking up as much beauty as possible.

“If somebody likes me, I want them to like the real me, not what they think I am. And I don't want them to carry it around inside. I want them to show me, so I can feel it, too. I want them to be able to do whatever they want around me.” -Perks of Being A Wallflower

“Sometimes people use thought to not participate in life.” -Perks

“Set me free, leave me be, I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity, here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be, but you're onto me, your all over me.” 
― Sara Bareilles

“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.” 
― Brené Brown

“When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability... To be alive is to be vulnerable.” 
― Madeleine L'Engle

“Was life, were human relations like this always, Therese wondered. Never solid ground underfoot. Always like gravel, a little yielding, noisy so the whole world could hear, so one always listened, too, for the loud, harsh step of the intruder's foot.” 
― Patricia Highsmith, The Price of Salt

All big changes creates a shift,

I thought perhaps that because of the nature of this transition,

the shift wouldn't come.

But I'm in it,

and it feels like the ground keeps moving underneath me.

And I'm finding myself grasping to hold onto the things that I know,

and the things that makes sense,

and the things that make me feel grounded.

Maybe you just find the same things differently,

and you can always expect a cause and effect from doing something new and scary.

I've thought so much about transitions,

and fear,

and change,

and dream chasing.

But-

every now and then if you think about something in too much depth,

and the shift is so jarring...

you start to fall down,

down, down, down...

and you find yourself so deep in it that there is only a tiny prick of light above you.

It's a thought avalanche that buries you deep beneath the surface of normal,

and you're too far away to climb back out.

Then despair sets in,

and you sit there alone, 

in darkness, 

mulling over your predicament,

panicking,

waiting,

hopeless.

Its not a good place to be in.

No matter how hard you try to rescue yourself,

and strategize and rationalize,

you just find yourself more stuck,

more alone,

and more lost.

But then after it seems like there is absolutely no way out,

you call for help,

and someone reaches into the darkness and saves you.

Yeah, that's why it's important to have a person.

Thankfully,

mine didn't let me down.

So here's how all the events unfolded-

She started by reminding me of better times,

she empathized,

she consoled,

she listened patiently.

Then she explained it this way,

there's a certain type of friendship that is so important,

because its those friendships that are what makes us feel most human.

And those relationships can cut through the darkest loneliness

and bring you back to the surface for air.

It does seem like these relationships can be the most pure.

Because unlike romantic relationships, you aren't trying to achieve a specific outcome,

and unlike familial relationships, you are free of any type of obligation or natural selection.

You lean on someone and they lean on you

 for no reason other then the fact that you feel safe enough to do so,

and those friendships

are a true blessing.

And indeed, it does make us feel human.

To be crying about something,

and laughing about something else,

all in the same conversation

...that feels human.

To admit a fear or a hopefulness,

no matter how rational or irrational 

and know that it won't set you apart in any way.

..that feels human.

Vulnerability is a powerful tool,

I say this because it is both related to relationships and feeling human.

It's  terrifying and addicting to find yourself vulnerable to someone else,

or even something else.

It's terrifying because everything is stripped away,

you have nothing to hid behind,

nothing to distract from an absolute truth,

and you have taken down all the walls,

so there's no hidden meanings or speaking in metaphors.

Whether is good, bad, scary, tragic, or completely random,

it's is a full representation of itself.

It is honest

And you hope that the recipient is careful,

and respectful and delicate with it,

but you don't have control over how people receive vulnerability.

It's scary to be who you truly are and expose all the flaws and scars,

and while you may practice introspection with yourself often,

that kind of honesty with other people is a whole different arena.

But it's addicting because there is a certain pleasure taken in being exactly who you are.

And giving someone else an opportunity to understand you in a way most other people wouldn't.

Because its this way that we can grow human connection,

and allow ourselves to be seen the way that we see ourselves.

And as we wander about in this world,

looking for the place where we belong,

what more could we want then just to be understood and appreciated as the real version of ourselves?

So much of life is motivated by searching for acceptance from others.

Distributing a certain amount of vulnerability creates opportunity to grow with someone,

connect with someone,

and feel...

human.

Anyways.

It's something to think about,

and something to practice.

Allowing yourself to be vulnerable can teach you about you in ways that nothing else can.

And it's the only way we can reach a deeper level with another person,

and sometimes it's the way we ask for help,

so that someone else can pull us out of a deep darkness,

and remind us that we are human again.

And that even if we don't know all the reasons why,

it's okay to feel the way we feel.

And vulnerability can bring about a certain validation,

that we expose the best and worst parts of ourselves,

and that it doesn't always end in rejection,

but can sometimes even build a stronger bond.

I can understand the fear and desperation that forces someone to shed all layers,

and show some vulnerability to gain a little more connectedness.

I idolize the bravery of others doing such a necessary and difficult task.

Those are the people I admire the most,

the people I connect with the most,

and the people that I miss the most.

They are all people who are fearless enough,

to show up a side of themselves that is rare and beautiful,

and raw and honest.

I am grateful to be a recipient of this from time to time,

and I try my best to be a gentle caretaker of it the best way I know how.

And every time someone provides me with the gift of intentional honesty,

and shows a side of themselves they normally hold close,

it reminds me to return the kindness,

and allow myself to give back in the same way.

It will never be an easy task for me,

but it's perhaps the only way to relate to the world at times.

And it helps create a better version of self,

and it perpetuates transformation,

and demands an accountability.

Thoughts are just thoughts,

dormant words,

unspoken and hidden.

 While it's not important to be completely understood,

it's always important to try.

After all it grows the human connectedness...

and it keeps us from falling down.

"Images of broken light, which Dance before me like a million eyes, They call me on and on across the universe."

REFLECTIONS FROM FIVE YEARS AGO...

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And auld lang syne.

Wouldn't it be nice if we were older

Then we wouldn't have to wait so long

And wouldn't it be nice to live together

In the kind of world where we belong

You know its gonna make it that much better

When we can say goodnight and stay together

I may not always love you

But long as there are stars above you

You never need to doubt it

I'll make you so sure about it

God only knows what I'd be without you

If you should ever leave me

Though life would still go on believe me

So I guess the benefit of having an unconventional New Years is some quiet time to reflect back on years past.

I can never express enough how fluid life is...it's absolutely amazing how things shift.

Nothing ever happens the way you think it will,

but things always follow the perfect plan of how it's supposed to.

What a wild and crazy ride I've had.

Truly thankful for each day I wake up and get to experience one more moment of this wonderful life.

I will continually express gratitude for life and how happy I am it has been the way it's been.

When I look back even five years ago,

I'm speechless at how much things have changed.

I've set goals and met them,

I've transformed to a person I don't even recognize.

I'm the best version of myself today then I've ever been before.

What I've worked so hard to be,

by throwing caution to the wind,

taking risks,

stepping outside my comfort zone,

remaining patient,

living bravely,

practicing love,

appreciating beauty...

These things have sincerely taught me so much about myself and my world I didn't even know I needed to learn,

and ultimately has changed my life forever.

2010.

I decided I wanted to take some risks.

Post college graduate and so lost.

Struggled through figuring out my place in the world,

and couldn't fight the urge to flee and explore.

Fighting to become an individual.

Such a baby,

brand new to independence and responsibility.

Immature simply because I thought I knew EVERYTHING.

Surprised to find out what the real world looked like.

Set goals with the idea that things would go exactly how I planned them.

Unprepared for surprise disappointments,

uncertain of how to be.

But so desperate to try.

Unrealistic in all expectations,

but naively hopeful.

2011.

NYC-the city where I found myself.

The life changing experience that pushed me to my absolute limits.

A true introspective year,

examining the inner parts of the person I was and how I became this way.

New places, new people, new friends.

Lots of travel and adventure.

Lots and lots of loneliness.

This year was filled with solitude.

Which was both necessary and almost irreparably traumatic.

But important to gain life experience,

and to learn to take responsibility for success and failures.

I grew up a lot that year.

I realized how to process emotions,

I learned how to live day to day,

gave up some control,

allowed myself to be a student of life and to fall in love with my surroundings.

2012.

Three moves, three different states.

Lots of change.

I spent a lot of this year practicing being the new version of myself,

created from the concrete jungle.

Struggling to adapt to rapid changes,

learning how to plan and strategize about next steps,

while remaining flexible and optimistic.

I found my way home again,

reintroduced myself to the familiar,

while staying true to the process of transforming.

Kept moving forward.

Missed my city to an unimaginable degree.

Set my eyes westward.

2013.

This was the year I started having to sit on my hands.

I learned how to re-establish myself while building relationships.

The solitude of my past years truly began to fade,

I made new friendships.

Lasting friendships.

I held a job longer than I ever had before.

I built a home for myself.

I grew into an adult.

I learned once again...I can't control how life happens.

I started building.

I hadn't ever started building,

because I had never stayed.

I decided to stay.

I re-evaluated a future.

I confirmed priorities.

I tried to practice love and observe beauty,

even in a familiar and unchanging setting.

2014.

I took ownership of my life in this year.

I returned to my city and found closure I desperately needed.

I allowed my soul to open up and listen,

and felt the call to be west,

and felt the urge to be near the ocean.

I fell in love,

I had a broken heart.

But I felt like a true participant of life.

No longer an observer,

still tried to love and practice understanding.

Solidified friendships that will last a lifetime.

Truly felt whole for the first time,

Realized that I have strengths,

and to not be using them to grow professionally was a waste.

A year where I learned to live alone,

earnestly built a home in the first place I could call mine and only mine.

I played hard,

focused a lot on having a relationship,

and building others.

Appreciated my friends and family.

Grew a determination and decided that even though life was grand,

it was time to move on.

2015.

This year...

Which is 38 minutes from being over...

has been the best year of my life.

I left the middle, but kept all things that made it special.

I watched my best friends get married...

I got a tattoo, which was long overdue...

I spent time with my family,

I spend time with other families,

I gave the midwest a proper goodbye.

I took the best version of myself...

the patient, brave, practical, well traveled, ambitious, hardworking, flexible, hopefully optimistic, wanderlust filled confident version of myself

and hit the road.

I put distance between myself and the past,

and arrived in the golden state.

Finally.

The largest accomplishment of my meager life,

my biggest dream,

the ultimate goal, 

where it all began.

I finally made it West.

And I introduced the best version I've ever been,

to the best place I've ever been.

I've solidified old relationships,

built new ones,

acquired new skills,

maintained sanity,

maintained patience.

Remained open minded,

experienced newness,

revisited old familiarities.

Shared some new experiences, kept others to myself.

I found a balance to life I knew existed but never new how to obtain.

I forgave old wounds,

and healed a broken heart.

I watched so many ocean sunsets.

I'm prepared for the unexpected and I welcome surprise disappointments as opportunities for character building.

I remain open to love and having love.

I remain hopeful for new adventures and I keep a gratitude for every moment.

Life can change in an instant and we must live each moment as if it matters the most.

This has been a year that has showed me that life can be lived in a way I never knew it could be.

I have never done living this good,

this easy.

I know that goals can be met, not matter how large.

I know that things can take time and people can truly change.

I know that I can change.

I know I'm not the same as five years ago,

and in five years I won't be the same as I am now.

But I know I will never stop trying to soak up all the experience and adventure I can.

I know that my dreams are valid and no matter what people think,

it's about how bad you want something,

and anything is possible.

Worrying doesn't help,

just letting life happen organically is the best way to live.

Work on the little things and as they improve the bigger things will start shifting into place.

Relationships can be tricky,

but sometimes it's worth the risk of heart break to enjoy the fall,

and give back what you get.

People who are meant to reappear will.

Let things go,

holding on to baggage will just keep you from truly feeling free.

I cannot express enough gratitude for everyone and everything that has brought me to where I am.

Not just for the life lessons in 2015, but in all the previous years since I began this journey.

It has not been easy,

and each year brings new challenges,

but learning how to fight for something will reveal a lot about how much you actually want it.

And I wanted this...

So as 2016 approaches,

let me remind you-

Appreciate beauty in all things-small or large.

Sometimes you have to slow down and look around to see it,

but beauty is everywhere,

its one of life's greatest gifts.

Living a life where you are both patience and brave,

where you keep pushing yourself out of your comfort zone,

and where you work on transforming into a better version

will be a catalyst for living a better life.

Practicing love, even when you don't get it back,

even when you are afraid of heartbreak,

is so important.

The key to understanding love starts with loving yourself,

be your best advocate,

take care of yourself and you will be able to take care of others.

Never say never, never say always,

remain hopeful and stay open minded.

You will not believe the experiences you will have if you live this way.

And of course,

keep trying to be a better version of yourself today then you were tomorrow,

everyone is a work in progress,

There is beauty in simply surviving the trials of life.

Never forget that.

“I believed in a good home, in sane and sound living, in good food, good times, work, faith and hope. I have always believed in these things. It was with some amazement that I realized I was one of the few people in the world who really believed in these things without going around making a dull middle class philosophy out of it. I was suddenly left with nothing in my hands but a handful of crazy stars.” 

-Jack Kerouac