"Underneath it all I'm held captive by the hole inside I've been holding back for the fear that you might change your mind I'm ready to forgive you but forgetting is a harder fight Little do you know I need a little more time..."

"Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and go do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”

-Howard Thurman 

 "Look at the stars. Same stars as last week. Last year. When we were kids. When we weren't even born. In a hundred years, no one will ever know who we were... They'll know those same stars."

Now I've been sitting on this abandoned beach for years
Waiting for the salty water to cover up my ears
But every time the tide comes in to take me home
I get scared and I'm just sitting here alone
Dreaming of the dolphin song

Regina.Spektor

“But why think about that when all the golden lands ahead of you and all kinds of unforseen events wait lurking to surprise you and make you glad you're alive to see?” 
― Jack Kerouac, On the Road

Irony has a funny way of slapping you across the face...

Sometimes, I find that we go about life doing it the hardest way possible,

all for the purpose of avoiding the inevitability of what we will be faced with.

No doubt you can run away from your problems,

far and fast,

thinking you put so much distance in the middle,

but as soon as you stop and look around you feel a tap on your shoulder,

and you turn around to see that whatever you are running from

hasn't really been that far behind.

Some people can live like that...

they spend all their time running away,

avoiding,

denying...

I had a thought the other day,

and I want to be absolutely clear and extremely honest with myself.

I am worried that all the "adventuring" and "forward motion,"

and this unconventional lifestyle of being here and there,

is actually me "running."

Maybe it started that way...

maybe it still is a bit that way,

but I hope not.

Because really,

it doesn't matter how far and how fast,

if you're running away from yourself,

you will constantly turn around and see yourself staring back at you.

So keep yourself accountable to yourself.

Make sure you are moving about the world in a way that allows yourself to be honest with yourself.

I just realized this recently,

we can do so much good and make so much progresses,

but if we forget to realize the motivation behind the action,

the purpose will be lost,

diluted by lies we have tricked ourselves into believing.

The only person I have been successful in lying too is myself.

I think that is important to understand,

and necessary to recognize this truth

Let me come back to this later...

So what do I do with a newfound sense of pride and satisfaction?

I'm living exactly the way I want to live,

in the place I want to be,

with the job I want to be doing?

Right...

fill the blank slate,

build new goals.

Peel back a layer of introspection that has never been explored.

Check. Check. and Check.

I realize that marking things finished from your bucket list is nice an all,

but what matters more is doing something with it.

I don't think everything has to change the world,

I don't think we all have create epic stories,

but I do think we have an obligation to ourselves to keep leveling up,

and trying to be better versions.

I thought I was finished.

I thought that once I got here fireworks would go off,

the puzzle would be complete,

and my world would fade to black.

Well, I did experience fireworks in the form of many beautiful sunsets,

but the puzzle is not complete.

And as I start on a new bucket list,

I realize I have always been the author of my own destiny,

and I choose how high to set the bar.

And,

as stated earlier,

I am faced with a obligation to be honest with myself.

If the last five years have proved anything,

it's that it is not easy to chase your dreams.

Lots of pieces have to fall into place,

splashed with a bit of luck,

and many many sacrifices have to be made.

It's stressful, its scary, its lonely.

But it pays back in ways that nothing else ever will.

And it only works when you are honest with yourself.

I think this is the point where a lot of people halt,

I think it's also the point people turn around and start running in the opposite direction.

Being honest with yourself is fuckiing hard.

And It doesn't always feel good,

actually it almost never feels good.

I am much more skilled in the art of being dishonest with myself,

but I am really trying to improve.

I think as I navigate this next section of life I have entered,

it will be more important than ever to remain as honest with myself as humanly possible.

This will be the new bucket list,

a single task,

that will penetrate all avenues of life,

and seemingly impossible to achieve,

but the worthiest cause:

be honest with myself.

So enter phase two of this "journey."

Involved less with actual physical location,

growing up,

moving about the world,

and more focused on living.

Can I figure out a way to live each day,

with the tools and skills I have already acquired,

but also, can I live each day being honest with myself?

Damn...this is going to be hard.

Although I have already begun to peel back a deep layer of introspection,

I'm fighting it hard,

and every step I take down that path of enlightenment, 

the voice in my head,

 that says run far and fast in the opposite direction,

gets louder and louder

and louder.

And If I've learned anything...

it's that facing our fears will have unimaginable life changing outcomes.

You will never get anywhere if you allow yourself to be crippled by fear.

So remain brave,

and stare the challenges in the face.

Practicing fearlessness will be an important strategy

when practicing self-honesty.

And don't be discouraged when things become difficult,

because no one is perfect.

The important part is your are taking steps to realize things you might have missed before.

It's a learning opportunity

Don't run in the opposite direction,

but proceed with caution and continue to put one foot in front of the other.

It will all make sense and come together eventually.

But this is a good goal to strive for in the time being.

Practice being honest with yourself, because you deserve it.

And enjoy the fireworks along the way,

but never stop living.

Never stop transforming.

Never stop appreciating the beauty,

and never stop loving.

It all matters.

"It started out as a feeling, Which then grew into a hope - Which then turned into a quiet thought- Which then turned into a quiet word- And then that word grew louder and louder... 'Til it was a battle cry. I'll come back when you call me, No need to say goodbye..."

“I was surprised, as always, be how easy the act of leaving was, and how good it felt. The world was suddenly rich with possibility.” 

― Jack Kerouac, On the Road

“It made me think that everything was about to arrive - the moment when you know all and everything is decided forever.” 

― Jack Kerouac, On the Road

The most important thing in my life, and the thing I try to focus on, is to try not to live a life of cruelty. That means trying to make sure I look people in the eye when I meet them. Sometimes you jump in a taxi, or maybe you only have two minutes with someone, and you never see them again. I try to always look them in the eye and have a real experience of what it is to communicate with someone...I guess it's about trying to live a life where I'm not contributing to the cruelty in the world....While I am on this planet, I want everyone I meet to know that I am grateful they are here.

Jessica. Chastain.

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget
Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
'Til they're before your eyes
You'll come back when they call you
No need to say goodbye

Regina Spektor

We wear our scarves just like a noose
But not 'cause we want eternal sleep
And though our parts are slightly used
New ones are slave labor you can keep

We're living in a den of thieves
Rummaging for answers in the pages
We're living in a den of thieves
And it's contagious

Regina Spektor

There is a gentle peacefulness in getting to where you hoped to be.

To have things fall into place the exact way you wanted them to fall together,

and to be in an easy satisfaction,
the type that is embedded deeply in the inner parts of your soul.

Its interesting,

to put so much energy and thought and hopefulness into a goal,

and then to actually cross the finish line.

Now I'm looking back on it all,

grateful to have reached this point.

And there is a certain emptiness in what remains.

But not a desperate emptiness,

a void of despair..

but rather a pool of calm.

Self-actualized platform,

standing on the peak of the metaphorical mountain,

sailing out to sea into the sunset,

coming home after a long holiday...

It makes me ponder what is next.

Not as urgent to fill-in-the-blanks,

but not forgetting to savor any of the moments of the present.

Who knows...

I never expected the ending of something to really turn out to be the beginning of something else.

A long road traveled,

many miles in the rear-view mirror,

so much leaving,

all in the name of heading West.

In a way its every bit as magical and satisfactory as I hoped it to be.
Washing over me, waves of soothing peacefulness.

Different then the East.

The concrete jungle was so easily accepting of who I was in the moment,

and so accommodating of the person I was struggling to be.

The East allowed me to fall into the steady discomfort of figuring out who I was...
and it protected me as I fought the daily grind.
And revealed the things I needed to know at the pace I needed to discover them.

I am endlessly grateful for that experience.
Because it has brought me to this place.

The West has proven to show me a different type of satisfaction.

In a way,
being here has been validating of the person I have become.

It's allowed me to create my world instead of participate in it.
Freedom and liberation from a lost self,

and I ca move about it in the purest fashion.

No longer the threat of looming transition,

but a quiet whisper of,

"stay for a while, this is where you're supposed to be."

I now find myself waiting on the future,

instead of forcing myself to conjure it.
"It won't be like this for long" mentality has gone away.
Because I know I have finally arrived.

And it's causing time to flow as organically as I have ever experienced it.

Days filled with sunshine and ocean,

and city lights...

the most therapeutic landscapes for a wandering gypsy like myself.

I can't help but think about a future nowadays,

which I have never allowed myself to dream of before.

Permanence and contentment are foreign travelers in my new world.

I welcome these visitors but stand awkwardly watching them from a distance,

the act as strangers I hope to gain trust from.

For someone who has naturally lived in a past,

it's flipping my world upside down to be coaxed into a future.

But as days pass,

and months pass,

years will also begin to slip away.

And whatever was once, has already become tiny specks of my history.

The strange feeling that nothing has ever existed before,

except for this.

I hope its the same for you,

when you get where you going.

You remember everything that brought you to where you are.

And every moment that seems stretched out and pointless,

has a clear meaning and purpose to your current existence.

And at some point you reach the understanding that it always had to be this way.

And the choices you made along the way were signs pointing you down this path.

And you remain brave as you navigate the unknown landscapes that decorate your world.

Remember that bravery is not the absence of fear,

but the creating of opportunity and experience amidst the things you are afraid of.

Don't worry,

loneliness is an expected side affect of transition.

Use it to examine yourself and work on creating a better version of self.

Be nicer to yourself too,

because you'll find that you're the only one truly in your corner,

and you're stuck with yourself,

so be your own best friend,

and resist the urge to be your worst enemy.

Do you know what I mean?

Life is this unbelievable opportunity,

and while it is not always easy,

it's a gift to be cherished.

I am unspeakably grateful to have been in the places I have been,

and seen the things I have seen,

and experienced the people I have met along the way.

For me,

it has been,

and will always be,
 this constant evolution of self.

Trying to live as the best version as possible at the point I'm at...

Patience will always be something I struggle with,

and I'm constantly needing to remind myself to slow down a little bit,

and also observe the natural beauty of my surroundings.

But I will never run in the opposite direction when faced with newness,
and I will continue to seize the day.
And treat each new day that passes as a brand new start.
And I accept the fact that I will always need change to fuel and to motivate and to inspire.
Because someone people are just this way.

And love.

The great and omnipotent force.

I will never truly understand love,

but I'm okay with this,

because I know it's as necessary as oxygen to maintain living.

To really and truly be alive is to have love.

Its the essence of every single thing,

and it's undeniable.

Its everywhere all the time,

and it's so important to practice love as often as you can.

Because love creates a beautiful selflessness...

And in order to be the best version,

I know love will be a building block,
held at the very core of who I am,

and I want create a genuine integrity,

and I want to find a connections with the people and things that surround me.

And in order to do this,

I must start with love.

Just remember,

even though it might be overwhelming right now...

it all matters,

and it will all fall into place soon.

"And now, in this time and place, I realize simply that long ago is just a phrase... it sits on a dusty self, just out of reach and taunting me as I go about things. Second chances are past and all that's left is the nitty gritty present of my existence. And I add tiny sticks to keep the fire of hope alive. Because great adventures live on through anything." 8.19.2013

"Creativity itself doesn't care at all about results - the only thing it craves is the process. Learn to love the process and let whatever happens next happen, without fussing too much about it. Work like a monk, or a mule, or some other representative metaphor for diligence. Love the work. Destiny will do what it wants with you, regardless." 

-Elizabeth Gilbert

The sun is filling up the room
And I can hear you dreaming
Do you feel the way I do right now?
I wish we would just give up
Cause the best part is falling
Call it anything but love

And I will make sure to keep my distance
Say, "I love you," when you're not listening

Christina. Perri.

“I've apparently been the victim of growing up, which apparently happens to all of us at one point or another. It's been going on for quite some time now, without me knowing it. I've found that growing up can mean a lot of things. For me, it doesn't mean I should become somebody completely new and stop loving the things I used to love. It means I've just added more things to my list."

-Taylor Swift

Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And everything you do,
Yeah, they were all yellow.

I came along,
I wrote a song for you,
And all the things you do,
And it was called "Yellow".

So then I took my turn,
Oh what a thing to have done,
And it was all yellow.

So therefore I dedicate myself, to my art, my sleep, my dreams, my labors, my suffrances, my loneliness, my unique madness, my endless absorption and hunger because I cannot dedicate myself to any fellow being.

Jack.Kerouac

It's hardest to understand truths when everything seems to be perfect.

When the past fits neatly into a box,

packaged up and packed away nicely.

And the present feels like a peaceful reality,

and the future stretches ahead patiently before you.

You forget the path that you wandered down that brought you to an inevitable outcome,

because its all exactly how you imagined it to be.

In a way none of it surprises me,

and all the same I'm completely taken off guard.

And i'm doused in love and hopefulness.

It feels as though this was everything before and everything ahead of me always,

and blessing seem too numerous to count.

Constantly gracious and grateful for every day and every moment,

opportunity dancing before me,

and everything is just within my grasp.

What a change from the flailing impatience of the past.

The disorienting unknowns that made up each day...

but here I am nonetheless,

and it is hardest to remember the truths.

This all started years ago,

and I worried about bravery,

and I worried about patience,

and I worried I would never understand love.

Transform anonymously,

tiny adjustments to perspective,

and a hearty helping of triumphs and challenges.

But here I am.

With no resistance in a perfect idea of how life should be.

And the only thing stretching before me is the West,

and the ocean,

and complete freedom.

Unspeakably fortunate for this part,

the here and now.

So thankful for the choices in the past that brought me exactly to where I am.

I never thought it would really be like this,

and it's fully liberating to be in this much control,

and yet maintaining a lifestyle of whimsical dream chasing.

I'm hopeful because it's easy,

I'm grateful because the blessings are numerous,

I'm brave because I'm surrounded by an army,

I appreciate beauty.

I practice love.

When I look back at it,

I don't wonder...

I know for absolute certain this was the point of it all.

To find this harmonious balance,

to grasp this wanderlust and build a life towering with adventures,

and new beginnings,

and unexplored places.

To learn and to love the people in it,

and to live each day making everything count,

because really it all matters.

Someday I'll understand the journey,

or maybe I wont...

But I'll know it was all supposed to fall into place in this moment in time,

just the way it has.

And tonight I thought about Escapism.

All the parts previous,

and I wonder what I was running from,

and I think about how home always builds itself int he most surprising places,

and how much I carry with me,

and all the adventures and the streets that taught me about life.

The people along the way,

and how beautiful and perfect it can be to laugh

and laugh.

Always when you think it might not be this way again,

it recreates itself and the list of things to be grateful for lengthens.

I think about the greats that traveled down this road before me,

and I'm closer to understanding it all.

I wonder if it was like this for them too,

and when they saw the gold sunrise on an open road,

if they felt the sense of peace that I have.

And the good company they maintained,

and the stories they told,

and the new experiences they had along the way.

What a perfect life of a wanderer.

Never taking anything foregranted,

because everything changes so quickly.

And how some things will never change,

and they will remain with me,

carried close to my heart.

A harsh reminder of reality,

and how the easy choices are not always the most fruitful ones.

And it's the hard decisions that create beautiful transformations.

I wouldn't have done it differently,

and I realize this now.

But always there's a time when my mind wanders back.

And I know the "what could have been" doesn't matter anymore.

Because what's done is done and its put me here.

I hope that you understand what I mean.

I hope you truly realize what i'm saying about it all.

It may never be the same for you,

because each person creates a unique experience.

I will never know how it would have played out,

but I had to be where I'm at.

Because even in perfect there is truth.

And that is the most powerful things to understand.

Easy when you're battling demons,

and up against impossible situations.

Harder when everything is in it's right place.

You must continue to go the direction you are going,

and I will continue along my own way.

Maybe down the road the paths will cross again,

but for now I hope that your truths remain relevant.

I hope you can  see through all the parts in the past,

and dig around for your own memories to hold close.

I will choose to remember you the way it was,

and allow myself room to grow on my own.

It has to be this way,

even if you don't understand it.

Because it all matters so greatly,

and everything builds on itself and happens for the right reasons.

Its ironic to surrounded with so much love,

and to be so void of it.

But there is perfection in imperfection,

and I have no complaints.

I'm carrying on down the path west,

with the hopefulness, and bravery, and patience that I learned in the East.

I will appreciate every speck of beauty,

and keep the past in the past.

Because those things that have disappeared will reappear if that is what is meant to be.

Gratitude.

Adventure.

Transformation.

It all matters,

So maintain the peacefulness in your present,

and find solace in knowing that you're exactly where you need to be.