"Things change...sometimes so quickly you don't even notice them. Happiness is something you have to look after."

"Experience is, for me, the highest authority. The touchstone of validity is my own experience. No other person's ideas, and none of my own ideas, are as authoritative as my experience. It is to experience that I must return again and again, to discover a closer approximation to truth as it is in the process of becoming in me." 

 “During my life I've seen many things, good and bad, but the bad things never came out of loving acts, loving gestures or loving relationships. That’s why I’m here tonight; to celebrate you and your families. And to tell you to hang in there and to say, once and for all of us, long live love.”

 "It should not be denied... that being footloose has always exhilarated us. It is associated in our minds with escape from history and oppression and law and irksome obligations, with absolute freedom, and the road has always led West."

I'm sailing away
Set an open course for the Virgin Sea
'Cause I've got to be free
Free to face the life that's ahead of me

"To truly love something, you must first give it a chance to fail. If it survives, it is going to be stronger than ever. Distance is pure proof of this, and forever we will love if we survive."

Thank goodness.

Life is finally starting to make sense.

New York is my home.

I LIVE HERE.

I love my city and I will miss spending time here while I am gone.

Love will always win.

Preserve happiness.

Embrace love. 

Once you find it...and you know what I'm talking about....hang on tight, never let it go.  

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. . . . It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.

Sometimes you just get that feeling...

that everything is just PERFECT...

the right mood,

the right smell in the air,

the right song...

 everything is exactly as it's meant to be...

but then i realize. it's all false, because you aren't there.

love. there's no other way to live.

"So, I guess we are who we are for alot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them."

Title QUOTE: Re-used because it's necessary to reiterate this...

"Always remember where we come from, how we got here, and Who led us into the warmth of the sunshine." 

"Each of us is carving a stone, erecting a column, or cutting a piece of stained glass in the construction of something much bigger than ourselves."

"Develop an attitude of gratitude, and give thanks for everything that happens to you, knowing that every step forward is a step toward achieving something bigger and better than your current situation."

 There are two ways through life: the way of nature, and the way of Grace. You have to choose which one you'll follow. 

Nature only wants to please itself. Get others to please it too. Likes to lord it over them. To have its own way. It finds reasons to be unhappy when all the world is shining around it. And love is smiling through all things. 

-Tree of Life

Today I missed...

my friends.

college.

family.

my doggies.

good sleep.

lazy days.

the asgard porch.

laughter.

feeling connected.

conversation.

family dinners.

smiling kids.

kitchen conversations.

after diner walks.

my brothers.

bloomington.

feeling grounded.

familiar company.

This was a really good week.

I think it spoiled me.

Good times to come...looking forward to spending it with friends and family.

hate feeling this lonely.

in general. much progress was made.

"Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before."

“Virtue is the fragrance of the flowers which the tree of life puts forth."

" Love is a symbol of eternity.  It wipes out all sense of time, destroying all memory of a beginning and all fear of an end.  "

 “As for me, to love you alone, to make you happy, to do nothing which would contradict your wishes, this is my destiny and the meaning of my life”

 "I want to be here and nowhere else, Rationing off bits of myself...So I can crumble at your side."

 TO FIND MEANING IS TO KNOW PURPOSE, THIS IS MINE, THE GREAT SEARCH

This is real.

To know who you, where you belong...

the search for meaning and purpose,

the understanding of the origin of life.

To believe, to feel, to love.

To love is the most real.

To love is purpose, and honesty, and above else the most important.

Do not deny yourself love.

Love yourself, love others, love what is around you.

If you love, you will find meaning.

If you find meaning,

that is when you will understand your purpose.

"People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you learn to appreciate them when they're right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself"

"...good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

I turn the music up, I got my records on
I shut the world outside until the lights come on
Maybe the streets alight, maybe the trees are gone
But I feel my heart start beating to my favorite song
-Coldplay

i bring you a thing .
you need most.
silent between.
supplies and machines.
i hang in the corners LIKE A GHOST.
you know i live to be seen through

no better way that i can see.

-Jenny Owen Youngs

in the end the end you are responsible for yourself.

trust yourself and no one else.

you are the protector of you.

in the end only you can guard yourself.

be an activist, stand up for what you believe in.

hope. dream. fear. achieve.

don't be swept up by lies and false promises.

trust your gut, because it's probably right.

"You get tough like me and you don't get hurt. You look out for yourself and nothin' can touch you..." 

"Let's dance in style, lets dance for a while... Heaven can wait we're only watching the skies!!!! Hoping for the best but expecting the worst Are you going to drop the bomb or not? Let us die young or let us live forever, We don't have the power but we never say never..."

"Oh, no. To live... to live would be an awfully big adventure."
-Robin Williams at Peter Pan (Hook)


Forever young, I want to be forever young Do you really want to live forever

FEAR IS A FRIEND WHO'S MISUNDERSTOOD.

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

You know it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing

I learned the hard way that they all say
Things you wanna hear
My heavy heart sinks deep down under
You and your twisted words
Your help just hurts
You are not what I thought you were
Hello to high and dry

Love Song Sara Bareilles

Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You'd better know that in the end
Its better to say too much
Than never to say what you need to say again
Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open

Say John Mayer

You might have to close your eyes
And slowly open wide (all this beauty)
And watch the sun rise. 

Well, I'll just go ahead and admit it...I have been hardcore major funking lately.

 I can't seem to figure out exactly what's going on with me, so mine as well blog about it right?

I have been thinking a lot about time...how it progresses, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years...

If you ever need to put something into perspective look back and look ahead, and realize that time passes so strangely sometime...

but embrace it. People come and go and life is so short. Take advantage of every moment you have with every person,

because you just don't know when you will get it again.

Anyways, lately I have been thinking a lot about the people in my life that have come and gone,

the influence they've had on me, both positive and negative.

Another way to monitor timing is to look at all the relationships you've had and lost and gained,

at least that 's what I do.

It makes the world seem a little smaller.

That's a good thing

.

So this funk I'm in....I feel like I'm disappearing....

Which, I've been thinking a lot about why I would feel this way, and I realized 

IT'S BECAUSE I AM.

Now almost 4 months living in a new place, a big place, with lots of people, and 100% new experiences...It's totally changing me.

I'm becoming someone different, and I have to believe really I'm just turning into

a better version of myself. 

There are definitely good days and bad days, (lately more bad ones)...

but its normal and it's part of the process.

But the thing I realized is that its really delicate, because it's a completely personal experience.

My mistake is thinking I should be sharing it, but it's not something that can be shared.

I definitely don't need anyone to tell me who I am or what I am or how I feel.

I have no one expecting anything from me, and 

I FUCKING LOVE THAT...

It's total freedom and me being able to just DO ME.

But there is consequence to this also, because in order to be able to be with yourself,

you have to understand yourself. 

You have to appreciate yourself,

the good parts and the bad.

Its not a matter for me of self-esteem, I've always had a rather high one-

but I have struggled a lot with understanding myself.

It's easier to understand yourself

in relation to the people around you-the  safety net of your friends, family, co-workers...

but when you lose that net, you have to learn to understand yourself

all on it's own.

This is where I'm at.

Transformation.

Change.

It's incredible how it happens, such immovable  force of life.

Whether you want it, need it, crave it, request it, ignore it, deny it

it happens anyways.

No permission needed.

I think I  will embrace my funk, and give myself a little more leeway to transform.

I realize that I am constantly challenging myself to be better, and that's a good thing.

But i also have to let myself make mistakes,

its when we make mistakes  that we learn lessons, and change happens.

So let me be. 

Let me be me.

Leave me be.

I'm disappearing, 

but  only so I can reappear as a

better version of myself.

Let me learn.

Let me grow.

Let me make mistakes.

 Let me be sad.

Let me be lonely.

Let me celebrate myself.

Let me not be so proud.

Let me not be so uptight.

Let me live.

A beautiful strength is found in simply surviving the trials of life.

"Me? I'm scared of everything. I'm scared of what I feel, of what I've said, of who I am, but most of all I'm scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my life the way I feel when I'm with you."

"I'm wishing that someday, you'll miss me terribly that no matter how hard you'll look for me, you wouldn't find me...because I want you to miss me the same way I'm missing you."

It's alright I'm getting dizzy just enjoy the party
It's OK with me if you don't have that much to say 
Hey

Kinda like this thing but there's something you should know
I just came to say
Hello 

Hey 

I could stick around and get along with you 
Hello 
It doesn't really mean that I'm into you
Hello 

"Today was just one of those days where everything I did reminded me of you and every song I heard somehow related to you. I hate days like today, because they remind me of the one thing I don't have."

"Maybe they are right. Maybe I did get my hopes up too high. Maybe I was in over my head. Maybe I am the stupid one for ever thinking that you loved me, but maybe, just maybe, I am tired of being alone."

Well, really though-it's a process 

learning how to be in the world. 

Learning where to be in the world.

Learning how to be alone.

Learning how to be together.

It's raw and honest.

It is in constant flux.

It burns and invigorates.

It's the truest of feelings.

Un-distracted.

Un-decided.

Fuck.

One Day At A Time.

This is every day.

"I always say goodbye I watch the stars from my window sill, the whole world is moving and I'm standing still..."

All this beauty
You might have to close your eyes
And slowly open wide
All this beauty, we traveled all night
We drank the ocean dry
And watched the sun rise

You can ask about it, but nobody knows the way
No breadcrumb trail to follow through your days
It takes an axe, sometimes a feather
In the sunshine and bad weather
It's a matter of getting deeper in, any way you can

I can see your new awake
Let me assure you friend:
Every day is ice cream and chocolate cake
And what you make of it, let me say
You get what you take from it so be amazed
And never stop, never stop, never stop
You gotta be brave

'Cause all this beauty
You might have to close your eyes
And slowly open wide
And watch the sun rise
And watch the sun rise
And watch the sun rise 

All this beauty

You might have to close your eyes
And slowly open wide
All this beauty, we traveled all night
We drank the ocean dry
And watched the sun rise

Weepies

-Photographed by E.J.

Well, after a lengthy vacation from blogging, I've decided it was about time to post something. Might be a little big more of having to read what I'm writing from here on out...I've decided after mostly hiding behind quotes and lyrics it's time to let my voice be heard and become something relevant...the main audience being my later self...Its been seeping into the blog more recently anyways-but I think in light of the transition I've had it's time to transition the blog too. After careful observation of the interactions happening around me, I am beginning to adjust to being out on my own in the wide wide world. Wide open spaces...I was told by a friend this week-it's a process, and this I have to remind myself...things take time to really adjust and sometimes you just have to ride it out day by day. It's true-I know how ahead of myself I often get...and it's been so good to just experience each day as it comes and to not be constantly wishing and waiting for life to work out how I want it. Life is so interesting right now...and I believe that I've circled around to the beginning of something new and that's really exciting to me. Anyways...I found this "give love away" painted on a wall and I thought it was perfect...and it made me think of the weepies song. The whole song is really great...but the best line...

And what you make of it, let me say
You get what you take from it so be amazed
And never stop, never stop, never stop
You gotta be brave

Anyways, just something to think about...

Escapism Pt. VI

I wholeheartedly believe 

that running away from something is acceptable, 

if you're running towards something better.

Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible to see the other whole against the sky.

"There are those who pass like ships in the night, who meet for a moment, then sail out of sight with never a backward glance of regret, folks we know briefly then quickly forget. Then there are friends who sail together, through quiet waters and stormy weather, helping eachother though joy and through strife. And they are the kind who give meaning to life."

-Unknown

What am I suppose to do
When the best part of me was always you and
What am I suppose to say
When I'm all choked up and you're okay

I'm FALLING TO PEICES, yeah
I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
'Cause she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks

no it don't break even...

-The SCRIPT

“A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.”

Florida Chronicles: Palm Trees by E. Jewell

So I bought a couch today. In retrospect, not that big of a deal really. Simple move. But coupled with these thoughts I've been having recently about life in general...and I've been quite reflective lately...it really feels like shit is getting heavy. I can feel it in the air, the transformation that is occurring every day. Fuck, it's really intense. But it's really good, I mean it's this amazing freedom of letting go...I now realize just how different this experience is making me, and perhaps all it took was a trip home to see how much I've really learned here in the concrete jungle. Nothing is easy, nothing is normal, and everything is just surviving. But it's so beautiful, and so honest. It's like I've been seeing everything in my life with sunglasses on and for the first time, I am looking at life with my naked eyeballs, and holy shit. It's a little overwhelming, but I'm totally in love with this. Some invisible wall is crumbling quickly and suddenly I feel like I'm totally vulnerable and unprotected and everyone is watching. I love it. Watch me, see what happens next-because I promise it's going to be amazing. Being able to table past issues and draw a thick line of separation between me and the familiar and home and life that's past...and looking forward to the future. I feel like I'm being honest with myself for the first time, and I think it's because I'm working really hard to take care of me...everything about me. I dunno, maybe that's just some crazy stupid bullshit...but lately I really have been feeling different. I can't explain it exactly. I think it's me doing me in a way I have never done before and it's fucking perfect.

Anyways. Also I love you. Love is the most perfect emotion.

Love is a symbol of eternity.  It wipes out all sense of time, destroying all memory of a beginning and all fear of an end.

"And when its the end Our lives will make sense And love, we'll bend lets play.... pretend. Its not gonna be long before we're all gone and nothing to show for them stop taking lives, come on let's all grow up again"

Remember the times, we had soda for wine...and got by on gratitude... 

(Pretend: lights)

Listening, walking, life, clarity, nonsense, honesty, love, passion, fear, hope, pride, independence, love, honesty, hope, fear, love, honesty, joy, love. Love. LOVE.

Seems somebody put out the moon
Now the road is a mine field
I cant follow the way she moves
I cant see past the shadow
You make the darkness disapear
I feel found when you stay near
I know where I am when you are here.
My way becomes so clear

When you are gone
Will I lose control?
You are the only road I know
You show me where to go
Who will drive my soul?

I have never felt this much this way this honestly. Its beautiful and it's overwhelming.

And when its the end Our lives will make sense And love, we'll bend.