"I'm finding every reason to be gone There's nothing here to hold on to Could i hold you? Calling out somebody save me i feel like i'm fading away Am i gone?"

"It's the loneliest feeling in the world - to find yourself standing up when everyone else is sitting down. To have everybody look at you and say "what's the matter with her?" I know what it feels like. Walking down an empty street, listening to the sound of your own footsteps. Shutters closed, blinds drawn, doors locked against you. And you aren't sure whether you're walking toward something, or if you're just walking away." -Anonymous 

"It's like I realized that way down inside, I've always been lonely for something. But I don't know what for. It's like everybody in the world wants something. Only they never really know exactly what it is - they just keep finding out what it's not. You know how, when you turn off the TV or you come out of some concert, and everything just feels empty? Like you thought that would be what you wanted, and then it wasn't?" -Anonymous

"Did it surprise you that I am not who you thought I was? Did it surprise you to find that I don't exactly stand for what you thought I stood for all along? Did it surprise you to find that I'm not exactly how I played myself out to be? That the person you thought I was is actually nothing to what I am." -Anonymous

"I believe in whatever gets you through the night. Night is the hardest time to be alive. For me, anyway. It lasts so long, and four am knows all my secrets. Four am is when my dreams die." -Anonymous

"It's not how tragically we suffer but how miraculously we live." -Anonymous

Lately, recently in my life, I have discovered a passion for photography.

I love taking pictures of beautiful things, things that just happen-like sunsets, flowers, ocean waves, clouds...

Things we see every day, just to remind myself that beauty happens all the time, and should be valued and appreciated.

I don't like to take pictures of people. The most beautiful things  about people is usually something that cannot be spotted by a camera lens. That kind  of beauty is internal.

But I love taking pictures of things...things that  just happen.

Such a perspective, a moment captured and preserved.

It reminds me of a mood, a smell, a feeling, a person, a song, a dream...

Even when everything else seems overwhelming, or hopeless, impossible, unforgiving, insensitive, desperate,

you can look and   remember-

beauty.

Things that just happen.

Even when nothing feels right.

When it feels like nothing is going to be okay again.

Beauty.

And it brings me back to what was.

And it reminds me of what may come.

Things that just happen. 

"I undress my mind and dare you to follow Paint a portrait of my mystery Only close my eyes and you are here with me A nameless face to think i see To sit and watch the waves with me 'til they're gone A heart i'd swear i'd recognize Is made out of my own devices..."

"You have to put up with the risk of being misunderstood if you are going to try to communicate. You have to put up with people projecting their own ideas, attitudes, misunderstanding you. But it's worth being a public fool if that's all you can be in order to communicate yourself."

“We are all longing to go home to some place we have never been — a place half-remembered and half-envisioned we can only catch glimpses of from time to time. Community. Somewhere, there are people to whom we can speak with passion without having the words catch in our throats. Somewhere a circle of hands will open to receive us, eyes will light up as we enter, voices will celebrate with us whenever we come into our own power. Community means strength that joins our strength to do the work that needs to be done. Arms to hold us when”

“Change is a funny thing. We never are quite sure what we are becoming or even why. Then one day we look at ourselves and wonder who we are and how we got that way. Only one thing about change remains constant...it is always painful.”

Because I have to be fought on every decision to justify my actions, I'm misunderstood.

Because you think that you know what I want, when you don't, I'm misunderstood.

Because when I don't do what you want, how you want it done, I'm misunderstood.

Because I had all the opportunities you didn't and you think it just "fell into my lap", I am misunderstood.

Because I only vocalize the thoughts and feelings I want you to know, I am misunderstood.

Because the smile never leaves my face, I'm misunderstood.

Because going about this alone has been the hardest things I've ever done, but I've done it, I'm misunderstood.

Because what you want has always come first, and what I want has always come second, I am misunderstood.

You don't know me, you know the me I want you to know. 

Try and understand.

To whom it may concern:

Thank you for making me always realize my potential. For giving me second chances. For believing in the choices I have made. For offering encouragement and enthusiasm. For taking the time and making the lists of reasons why. For helping me to remember that people are inherently good, despite bad choices. For helping me feel like my voice is heard. For reminding me of all the things I love about myself. That's you, whatever I become and wherever I go, know that you played a part in that, and are responsible for part of what got me there.

TO SECOND CHANCES AND NEW BEGINNINGS

"So you want me to tell you something about myself? I don't have anything to say. Even if I did you'd be wrong to believe me. Trust is a lie. Nobody ever knows any more."

You have to decide what your highest priorities are and have the courage - pleasantly, smilingly, nonapologetically - to say 'no' to other things.  And the way to do that is by having a bigger 'yes' burning inside.  The enemy of the 'best' is often the 'good.'

I just want to say, you're the one who abandoned me. I NEVER gave up on you...I never left you. Even now I wait.

Backbeat the word was on the street 
That the fire in your heart is out 
I'm sure you've heard it all before 
But you never really had a doubt 
I don't believe that anybody feels 
The way I do about you now 

And all the roads we have to walk along are winding 
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding 
There are many things that I would 
Like to say to you 
I don't know how 

Because maybe 
You're gonna be the one who saves me ? 
And after all 
You're my wonderwall 

"I miss you when something really good happens, because your the one i want to share it with. I miss you when something is troubling me, because your the one who understands me so well. I miss you when i laugh and cry, because i know that you are the one that makes my laughter grow and tears dissapear. I miss you all the time, but i miss you the most when i lie awake at night, and think of all the wonderful times that we spent with each other" (Morgan Nicol)

THE BEST PART OF EVERY MORNING. THE WORST PART OF EVERY NIGHT.

One time I looked into the eyes of a stranger and found the comfort of an old friend, like a silhouette in the sunset. (ALL LYRICS ARE BRETT DENNEN)

Your gonna fall apart. It's gonna break your heart
Your gonna know that you were wrong. Down to the boatyard you'll run
Like you did at your graduation
Your gonna miss her when she's gone Who you trying to fool?These are the wounds that heal you. It's the pain that reveals you

Where are all my old friends? It's been a long time gone

We've been drifting apart for so many years I hope they're still marching on
Some are probably happy with families, working hard to get ahead
Some of them are lost, some are wandering, and some of them are already dead

I sit through the trickery
The jealousy and vanity
The potency of your prophesy
Because I long to be...
Closer to you

"mermaids waltzing through a fleet of fisherman

chattering children lift their ears to the sky

skeptics stare in fascination

i have seen so much beauty if could make you cry

tears are fallin'

tears are fallin'

women flock with flames under their noses

i have seen so much beauty if could make you cry"

"damsels dressed in old stylish fashion

trees in the city all strung with lights

broken hearts meet with uncontrollable fashion

i have seen so much beauty it could make you cry"

I am a lover, and I am a dreamer
I've been that down, and I've loved, and I've lost
I've been alone, been far from home
Follow your heart

And I've been cheated, I've been defeated
I've played the game and I've been double crossed
Every friend of mine has been in hard times

The most obvious of all things is beauty, in it's most natural and purest form. The least predictable of all things is time, seemingly simple but remaining immeasurable...the most honest of all things is vulnerability, the best way to live is passionately.

make sure when it's all over with, you look back and you see that everything you ever wanted you fought like hell to get, and that once you got it-you appreciated every second

in the sky nothing matters. everything else comes to a complete pause. the air is still, the clouds are beneath you and the sky stretches endless in every direction. it's infinite. you are forced into timeless beauty. prisoner of your surroundings. helpless.

all that matters in life is finding something to believe in. The lyrics in a song, the words in a book, the person in the photo, a presence, a force, an ideal...find what matters and stand for it, let it become your anthem and let it consume you. because really, when it comes down to it-nothing else matters.

I thought love mattered. I thought that I needed freedom, truth, and beauty and everything else would become apparent. I thought I believed in karma. I thought I was unshakable. Nothing that I thought...its what I thought it would be. What I know, what I need is passion-throwing caution to the wind and breathing it in like air. This is what's important.

Perfection lies not in integrity or time or beauty...but perfection is found in the imperfections of you.

to know perfection is to find peace.

"In the space between yes and no, there's a lifetime. It's the difference between the path you walk and the one you leave behind; it's the gap between who you thought you could be and who you really are; its the legroom for the lies you'll tell yourself in the future."

"...and that's when I get to wondering, what would happen if I told her she something good, ever day?" -THE HELP

A dreams a dream
And all this livings so much harder than it seems
But girl don't let your dreams be dreams
You know this livings not so hard as it seems
Don't let your dreams dreams

Someday, god knows when, I will stop this absurd, self-pitying, idle, futile despair. I will begin to think again, and to act according to the way I think.
 –Sylvia Plath

"No matter who you are, there is always some part of you that wishes you were someone else, and when, for a millisecond, you get that wish, it's a miracle." -Jodi Picoult

"It's not about what you say, its about what you do. You don't like the person you've become then do something about it, because no one's gonna do it for you"

"People are going to disappoint you. I get that, I kinda expect that. But, I don't know what if you wake up one day and realize you're the disappointment?"

-OTH H.B.

Not much to say today...

Earthquake, Hurricane... you know that saying... "calm before the storm?"

Lately the weather has been a direct reflection about how I am feeling about my life.

When did it get so difficult? Frustrated by a feelings of despair.

Exhausted, stressed, feeling like I'm just barely keeping my head above the water...

But things will get easier.

Definitely in a time of transition.

Just didn't expect it would happen so quickly.

Things currently that might life bearable right now...

ON and ON -Jack Johnson Album

Cooler weather

Working at Starbucks

This certain boy...he makes me feel like a $1,000,000.

An unstoppable force with a strong opinion.

A relaxing visit with a friend.

Quiet walk on the beach at sunset (see above pictures)

“Love. Fall in love and stay in love. Write only what you love, and love what you write. The key word is love. You have to get up in the morning and write something you love, something to live for.”

"Life and death. Energy and peace. If I stopped today, it was still worth it. Even the terrible mistakes that I have made, and would have unmade if I could. The pains that have burned me and scarred my soul. It was worth it for having been allowed to walk where I've walked, which was to hell on earth, heaven on earth, back again, into, under, far in between, though it, in it and above..."

-GIA

"The opportunity to go on the road trip of a lifetime with Sean, which I'm so grateful to have the opportunity to work with him… He made everything so authentic and so real. We shot in all the real locations, went to all these different places. Saw these beautiful slices of America and these wonderful portraits of nature burned into my memory, thankfully. Days where we were camped out on the Grand Canyon on the Colorado River. We shot there for about a week or two. Just looking at the side of these cliffs and it's like, ‘That rock there is three billion years old. Wow.’ It's really an incredible, a very humbling experience.”"

-Emile Hirsch on Into The Wild

Do you hear me,
I'm talking to you
Across the water across the deep blue ocean
Under the open sky, oh my, baby I'm trying
Boy I hear you in my dreams
I feel your whisper across the sea
I keep you with me in my heart
You make it easier when life gets hard

so I'm sailing through the sea
To an island where we'll meet
You'll hear the music fill the air
I'll put a flower in your hair
Though the breezes through trees
Move so pretty you're all I see
As the world keeps spinning round
You hold me right here right now

Sleeping Bear Dunes, MI
The Most Beautiful Place in America

"I pray to be like the ocean, with soft currents, maybe waves at times. More and more, I want the consistency rather than the highs and the lows."

I THINK I'VE FINALLY FOUND MY VOICE AGAIN...BEEN THINKING A LOT LATELY ABOUT LIFE, AS I OFTEN DO. PASSED MY SIX MONTH MARK OF MAKING IT IN MY LOVELY NYC...THE LONGEST RELATIONSHIP I HAVE EVER HAD. I REALLY THINK, AS I THINK MORE ABOUT IT, THAT THE CELEBRATION ISN'T SIMPLY SURVIVING THE TRIALS OF THE BIG CITY BUT I HAVE BEEN REALIZING A LOT HOW ALONE I AM. TRULY ALONE...IN THE SENSE THAT I MOVED TO A FOREIGN PLACE AND THE CLOSEST I WAS TO ANYONE I KNEW WAS AT MINIMUM A PLANE RIDE OR 8 HOUR DRIVE AWAY. THAT'S INTENSE. WHAT WAS I THINKING....NOT REALLY. IT WAS GOOD ON SO MANY LEVELS. 


THE INSPIRATION FOR THE GREAT "JOURNEY" WAS CHRISTOPHER McCANDLESS...MORE SPECIFICALLY THE MOVIE INTO THE WILD AND THEN THE BOOK...WHICH IF YOU CANNOT TELL BY NOW I'M A LITTLE OBSESSED. BUT IT WAS HIM TO PUT INTO MY HEAD FIRST THE IDEA OF FINDING ULTIMATE FREEDOM IN EXPLORATION. AND I , AFTER THIS EXHAUSTING AND SELF-REFLECTIVE EXPERIENCE OF BEING ALONE FOR SIX MONTHS, I FEEL LIKE I UNDERSTAND HIM BETTER THEN I EVER HAVE BEFORE. I THINK HAD HE NOT PASSED AWAY...HAD HE RETURNED FROM HIS EXPERIENCES AND REPORTED ON HIS FINDINGS...HE WOULD HAVE SAID THAT IT WAS ALL WORTH IT. HE FOUND HIS TRUTH AND FREEDOM IN THE BEAUTY OF NATURE AND SURVIVING...LIVING OFF THE LAND. THE JOURNEY OF SELF-DISCOVERY CAN ONLY REALLY BE COMPLETE IF ONE THROWS OF THE DISTRACTIONS OF LIFE...MONEY, POLITICS, RELATIONSHIPS AND SPENDS TIME IN THE WILD. HE WOULD HAVE PREACHED ABOUT THE NECESSITY OF APPRECIATING THE BASICS OF SURVIVING AND A SIMPLICITY OF LIFE. BUT I ALSO THINK HE WOULD HAVE TALKED ABOUT HOW LONELY HE WAS...HOW WHILE RELATIONSHIPS AND DYSFUNCTION ARE A DISTRACTION AND A BURDEN....SOME TYPE OF INTERACTION IS NECESSARY AND ESSENTIAL BECAUSE YOU NEED LOVE. LOVE IS THE CORE OF EVERYTHING...TRUTH, BEAUTY, FREEDOM...THOSE ARE THINGS YOU CANNOT TRULY KNOW WITHOUT KNOWING LOVE.

THIS IS WHAT I THINK...YOU CANNOT POSSESS AN ULTIMATE FREEDOM WITHOUT HAVING THE OBLIGATION OF SOCIAL INTERACTION. ULTIMATE FREEDOM IS WHEN YOU HAVE NO ONE AND NOTHING TELLING YOU WHAT TO DO AND WHEN TO DO IT, YOU THROW OFF THE CONSTRAINTS OF SOCIETY AND WHAT SOCIETY WANTS YOU TO BE AND YOU JUST ARE. YOU GO BACK TO THE BASICS. YOU SPEND LONG LONELY MEANINGFUL TIME WITH YOURSELF. HE FOUND ULTIMATE FREEDOM...HE TRAVELED INTO THE WILD AND HE LIVED OFF THE LAND AND ACHIEVED HIS GOAL...BUT I THINK ABOUT IT...IF HE WOULD HAVE MADE IT BACK OUT...MAYBE HE WOULD SAY IT WASN'T WORTH IT...WHAT HE REALLY WANTED TO KNOW WAS A PURITY OF LOVE AND A RENEWAL OF HOPE IN PEOPLE AND SOCIETY. BECAUSE I THINK IN THE END...MAYBE HE REALLY DIDN'T WANT TO DIE.

“Sometimes, if you stand on the bottom rail of a bridge and lean over to watch the river slipping slowly away beneath you, you will suddenly know everything there is to be known.”

Woke up in London yesterday 
Found myself in the city near Piccadilly 
Don't really know how I got here 
I got some pictures on my phone

New names and numbers that I don't know 

Address to places like Abbey Road

Day turns to night, night turns to whatever we want

We're young enough to say

Oh this has gotta be the good life 
This has gotta be the good life 
This could really be a good life

Say oh, got this feeling that you can't fight 
Like this city is on fire tonight 
This could really be a good life 
A good, good life

To my friends in New York, I say hello

My friends in L.A. they don't know

Where I've been for the past few years or so

Paris to China to Col-or-ado

Sometimes there's airplanes I can' t jump out

Sometimes there's bullshit that don't work now

We are god of stories but please tell me

What there is to complain about

When you're happy like a fool
Let it take you over
When everything is out
You gotta take it in

Hopelessly I feel like there might be something that I'll miss 

Hopelessly I feel like the window closes oh so quick

Hopelessly I'm taking a mental picture of you now

Cuz hopelessly the hope is we have so much to feel good about

-Good Life ONE REPUBLIC

Manhattan Bridge, NY NY
JOURNEY

Brooklyn Bridge, NY NY
PROMISE

London Bridge, London England
EXPLORATION

Golden Gate Bridge, San Francisco, CA
DISCOVERY

Mackinac Bridge, Mackinac City, MI
GROWTH

I've been a lot of place and I've seen a  lot of things.

I've come to realize that everyplace you go teaches you something.

All these bridges are reminders to me of different times in my life I've crossed into new revelations.

I will cherish  each  new experience .

Every great bridge shares in common the epic architecture as well as symbolic nature.

Great achievements.

I'm living the good life.

 Many more bridges ahead I look forward to crossing.

“Never let go of hope. One day you will see that it all has finally come together. What you have always wished for has finally come to be. You will look back and laugh at what has passed and you will ask yourself... 'How did I get through all of that?”

"Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. So love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said that it'd be easy, they just promised it would be worth it."

It wont be like this for long.

But right in this moment.

Everything has fallen into place.

It all makes sense.

I mourn the loss of what was,

and the celebrate the moments of 

what is to come.

Don't forget to look back,

sometimes it looks better from a distance.

"We laugh and laugh, and nothing can ever be sad, no one can be lost, or dead, or far away: right now we are here, and nothing can mar our perfection, or steal the joy of this perfect moment." 

Now that I understand it.

I feel nostalgic for the times when nothing made sense...

Two kids playing in a climbing tree on Porter Ave,

dancing on the stairs,

long young summer nights around a table with friends,

dance parties at Asgard,

lazy afternoons on the porch of 1626,

2 lovable labs,

the smell of fall,

laughter in the hallways,

road trips,

the California Beach at sunset