“It is easy in the world to live after the world's opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude.”

From the Movie "Manhattan" (1979)

Chapter One: He adored New York City. To him it was a metaphor for the decay of contemporary culture. The same lack of individual integrity that caused so many people to take the easy way out was rapidly turning the town of his dreams in - no, it's gonna be too preachy, I mean, you know, let's face it, I wanna sell some books here. 

Chapter One: He adored New York City. Although to him it was a metaphor for the decay of contemporary culture. How hard it was to exist in a society desensitized by drugs, loud music, television, crime, garbage - too angry. I don't want to be angry. 
Chapter One. He was as tough and romantic as the city he loved. Behind his black-rimmed glasses was the coiled sexual power of a jungle cat. 

Oh, I love this. New York was his town, and it 

always would be. 

Think you left me broken down
Think that i'd come running back
Baby you don't know me, cause you're dead wrong. 

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone.

What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone. 

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, Myself and I 
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller 
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone.

"Expect trouble as a part of life and when it comes, hold your head high, look it sqarely in the eye, and say, 'I will be bigger than you. You cannot defeat me.'" 

IN REMEMBRANCE OF ONE YEAR AGO. IN REMEMBRANCE OF ADVENTURES PAST. IN ANTICIPATION FOR ADVENTURES TO COME.

This is my story this is my song
if you aint got the heart, don’t attempt to try this at home
it’s just a poem from a man once living wrong
now I’m in the zone, tell the World I’m coming home
been a long time coming, been a long time coming
this song feel like the greatest of all time coming

Have you ever done something, you look back, and it all seems blurry..

But then you think a little harder about it, and it's crystal clear.

A bookmark in your brain of memories of a journey, of an experience.

The time I've never understood, the way it slows and speeds,

it's all perception.

I disappoint myself, I impress myself, but it's all the same.

but in the end it only matters how you felt through it all,

what you learned, the person you become,

the strength you accrued.

It's the way you treat people, the smiles you received, the streets you walked through.

I will never forget this day, for the rest of my life.

And it will live as a reminder of what I could do, what I can do, and what I did.

No one can take this experience.

No one can understand this experience like I do.

Because it's mine, I own it all, the mistakes and the triumphs. 

It all matters.

And it helps, it clears the haze and I can feel the sting of a sharp bite of reality.

And I am proud and encouraged, and hopeful, and desperate all the same.

I love the adventure, I would trade nothing for it.

When it all seems hopeless and the anxiety intensifies,

remember the full moon, and the dark streets, and the people you met, and the places you went.

But really, remember how you felt when you realize what you were capable of.

Stand back and put it in perspective.

Appreciate yourself.

Celebrate.

Move forward.

Never forget the passion.

Love life, for the good times and the bad, and also...

remember, eventually it might all make sense one day.

and ,

of course...

it all matters.

Happy Valentines Day 2012,

I' can't wait for the next great adventure.

“Slowly I raise my eyes and take in the water spreading out in every direction. I can only form one clear thought. This is no place for a girl on fire.”

My figures fail to tell me
How far the Village lies --
Whose peasants are the Angels --
Whose Cantons dot the skies --
My Classics veil their faces --
My faith that Dark adores --
Which from its solemn abbeys
Such ressurection pours.

-Emily Dickinson

All those days watching in the windows
All those years outside looking in
All that time never even knowing 
Just how blind I've been
Now I'm here blinking in the starlight
Now I'm here suddenly I see 
Standing here it's all so clear
I'm where I'm meant to be

And at last I see the light
And it's like the fog has lifted
And at last I see the light
And it's like the sky is new
And it's warm and real and bright
And the world has somehow shifted
All at once everything looks different
Now that I see you

"From this day on... when I look back on the past... I will smile... and say to myself... I never thought I could do it... but I did... I over came all the people who tried to bring me down."

Sick of trying to defend myself, 

sick of trying to force you to understand something I don't need to explain.

Out to explore and experience, and nothing else matters.

Struggling through the struggle

and waiting for the light to appear.

The plan that is in progress will come to fruition when the time is right.

So let me be,

let me be me.

And I want freedom.

And I'm done  trying to defend.

Can't wait to become more of myself.

Break down the walls, head into the wild.

I'm not here for you, I'm here for me.

I'm here to be a better me. 

"Don't breathe, no I never meant to let it get away from me Now, I've too much to hold, everybody has to get their hands on gold, And I want uncharted."

FOR THE PEOPLE IN MY LIFE WHO I COULD NEVER LIVE WITHOUT...

“We live in a wonderful world that is full of beauty, charm and adventure. There is no end to the adventures we can have if only we seek them with our eyes open.” 

"You loved me 'cause I'm fragile. When I thought that I was strong but you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone."

"We act like we know it all. You know -- and I've got it all together ... But we don't know what is going on half the time. We're scared to death ...(of) not finding it ... our place ... I mean, I've had moments --- and I knew that there was no other place that I should be -- but those are moments and then they go..."

“Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. And if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them, too--even when you’re in the dark. Even when you’re falling.”

“All the pathos and irony of leaving one’s youth behind is thus implicit in every joyous moment of travel: one knows that the first joy can never be recovered, and the wise traveler learns not to repeat successes but tries new places all the time.” 

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”

You may not understand what I'm talking about, but it makes sense to me.

In those moments where you step back, and see it in its entirety,

the pieces that fit together, and where they belong in the puzzle.

Some people put together the outline, starting with the corners...the framework.

Those lucky ones who realize the bigger picture and fill in the rest,..

Well I started with the center and I'm working on the rest 

and, just now...

 starting to see the bigger picture.

I love the night, but lately have been gathering a better appreciation for the morning.

The possibility of a day and the sunrise.

Desperate for it to make sense, forcing patience...

don't forget to trust...without trust we have fear.

Fear can be so debilitating.

Looking back at experiences where I had fear,

I didn't trust in  the adventure.

In order to maximize experience you have to have trust ,

that things are going to be okay...

trust in the ferocity of life,

the relationships you have built.

but most importantly,

in yourself.

Trust leads to so much freedom.

That's what I want really, the freedom,

to be.

to do.

to explore.

to love.

to live.

Never underestimate the power or unconditional love.

Keep the people who support you close,

distance yourself from those who break you down.

trust that those in your past who remain in your present will appear in your future.

Those people are so valuable and irreplaceable.

count your blessing, believe them, they might know you better then you know yourself.

don't allow the adventure and allure of freedom keep you from strengthening those bonds.

chances are...when you look back on it all,

you'll remember the sunsets and sunrises,

the beauty of nature,

the roads you've traveled,

the cities you've lived in,

but mostly the way the people in your life made you feel.

focus on the good and forget the bad.

believe them.

they might know you better then you know yourself.

"The weapons give me an entirely new perspective on the Games. I know I have tough opponents left to face. But I am no longer merely prey that runs and hides or takes desperate measures."

There is a tide in the affairs of men, Which taken at the flood, leads on to fortune. Omitted, all the voyage of their life is bound in shallows and in miseries. On such a full sea are we now afloat. And we must take the current when it serves, or lose our ventures.

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

"Any act often repeated soon forms a habit; and habit allowed, steady gains in strength, At first it may be but as a spider's web, easily broken through, but if not resisted it soon binds us with chains of steel."

I don't know what I want, 

so don't ask me

cause I'm still trying to figure it out

don't know what's down this road, 

I'm just walking trying to see through the rain coming down

even though I'm not the only one

who feels the way I do.

I'm alone, On my own, 

and that's all I know

I'll be strong, I'll be wrong, 

oh but life goes on

I'm just a girl, trying to find 

a place in this world

taylor.swift.

"If you see me getting smaller, I'm leaving, don't be grieving, just gotta get away from here. If you see me getting smaller, don't worry, and no hurry, I've got the right to disappear." 

For anyone who is wondering when life is going to begin...

You're not alone, we all wonder this...

how do we really begin to truly start living? taking charge  and creating history?

well, I guess this happens all  the time...

with every day that passes, how we spend our time , the way we treat other people.

our profession, our relationships, our possessions.

learning, exploring, maintaining...

all this gigantic juggling act of trying to be a good person,

do something that matters and leave our mark before our lives are lived out.

We all like to think we have control, because to have control is a comfort.

When in reality we don't control "life",

rather we are controlling the choices we make.

Life is this impenetrable force that is harnessed by no one.

So stop worrying about it.

Live passionately.

Do what you love, love what you do.

Acknowledge your strengths, and exercise the weakness,

so those too will grow into strengths.

Know there is really no "right" way,

there are endless options and millions of outcomes.

Sometimes opportunities arise, sometimes opportunities dissipate.

As much as I want too, I can't figure it out,

and I don't understand love or the  way it dominates.

But i do know this, life without love with be pointless,

life without beauty, would be intolerable,

life without passion is not life.

The rest will figure itself out...

I hope.  

I can hear the sounds of hearts breaking, and I duck to avoid being hit by the pieces flying past me...

Let me just preface this by saying...some things are just fucked up. They always have been and they always will be. 

And then on another note... thank you for meeting me, it's like suddenly I have inspiration again.

In the morning it comes, heaven sent a hurricane
Not a trace of the sun but I don't even run from rain
Beating out of my chest, my heart is holding on to you

-Sara Bareilles

Such a beautiful mess, intertwined and overrun.

And it all comes back...

and I remember it all.

And it all compounds on itself and it all matters.

“If one advances confidently in the direction of one's dreams, and endeavors to live the life which one has imagined, one will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.”

-HENRY DAVID THOREAU

If you say it will be alright,

I'll follow you into the light...

and I told myself that this was the beginning of something beautiful.

My greatest and only adventure,

in search of only one thing.

Purpose

I feel like there’s nothing that I can’t try
And if you with me put your hands high
If you ever lost a light before, this ones for you
And you, the dreams are for you. 

"I'm coming home"

To dream and imagine the dreams as reality.

To search and find hope.

To love and be loved in return.

I thought you were my home, I thought I found peace and safety. But the storm came and took my home away.

I went searching for a new place to find belonging,

only to lose the rest of what I had.

So I started over and I met you, and everything changed...

I started to regain what I had lost.

I started to believe in it all again.

"I think the only way you can find out is to have the feeling. You're a good person. You have the right to say I do trust. I do trust myself."

-Blue Valentine (2010)

Then I heard the sounds of hearts breaking, the debris of brokenness flying into the atmosphere.

None of it was supposed to happen like this.

Once again, My peaceful place I called home, crumbling around me into a million tiny parts.

And I realized just then, the simplicity.

An overarching pattern of the forces in the atmosphere.

Everything was just like before and I knew it.

But this time, I knew I was a better person.

Because of what I did and what I didn't do.

The way I took charge,

my adventure my exploration.

My belief that everything was going to be okay.

Because of forward movement.

Something no one will ever understand, so stop trying.

This is who I am, and I owe no explanation for it.

I am so fucking proud to be me.

And really nothing else matters.

Keep away from me the brokenness and let me not be a casualty in the game. 

"But I took your matches before fire could catch me

So don't look now

I'm shining like fireworks over

Your sad, empty town"

-Taylor Swift

Because they say, home is where the heart is, but I keep my heart held close.

I am home, and it's not the structural parts of the architecture, 

but rather its the strength of heart and peace of mind.

I own and create my own destiny.

Stay away from what I created it's mine.

Let me live in whatever fantasy I choose.

Forget what makes sense.

Only realize the beauty of the moment,

the passion of the adventure,

the excitement of the unknown.

Avoid becoming a victim of the brokenness.

Guard your heart.

Live outside of reality.

A chance encounter, not so much by chance.

And I realized it's possible to live in a fantasy world, just for a minute.

A mental escape when things become unbearable.

And I don't mind spending some time with you.

It's all perception anyways,

but I think you know what I'm talking about.

It seemed like it made sense to  you,

but either way it was how I imaged it to be,

instead...

better.

"When laying with you I could stay there, close my eyes Feel you here, forever You and me together, nothing is better"

I've watched from a distance as you made life your own

Every sky was your own kind of blue

And I wanted to know how that would feel

And you made it so real

You showed me something that I couldn't see

You opened my eyes

And you made me believe

Taylor Swift

“I'm living under water. Everything seems slow and far away. I know there's a world up there, a sunlit quick world where time runs like dry sand through an hourglass, but down here, where I am, air and sound and time and feeling are thick and dense.” 

I'm tryin' to put it all back together.
I've got a story and I'm tryin' to tell it right.
I've got the kerosene and the desire.
I'm trying to start a flame in the heart of the night

THE FRAY

Oh, you capture my attention
I'm anticipating,
I'm watching, I'm waiting
For you to make your move
Got me on my toes

lights.

i tried to write. 

my mind is blank.

im trying to find some inspiration.

but my thoughts have been claimed by life right now.

one day at time.

working on getting it figure d out.

trying to remain patient.