I wasn't scared; I was just somebody else, some stranger, and my whole life was a haunted life, the life of a ghost. I was halfway across America, at the dividing line between the East of my youth and the West of my future.

“I realize now that I wanted to disappear. To get so lost that nobody ever found me. To go so far away that I'd never be able to make my way home again. But I have no idea why.” 

                          

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          “Do you ever feel that way?"

"Lonely?"
I search for the words. "Restless. As if you haven't really met yourself yet. As is you'd passed yourself once in the fog, and your heart leapt - 'Ah! There I Am! I've been missing that piece!' But it happens too fast, and then that part of you disappears into the fog again. And you spend the rest of your days looking for it."

Its that magic hour again...and it's been so long since it's been this way...

do you ever find yourself so lost?

Down a road you didn't plan for, didn't choose...but rather found yourself on-

wandering the windy twists and turns and wondering how the hell you got this far along?

Where perception is everything, and it's exactly as you imagined and pretended it should go.

But now you have no clue where to go next or what to do.

Instead you are left with the choices you made and an emptiness that makes the reality turn to memories.

The times and places and people in your life that were pointing you to a destination,

but now you've forgotten where that was.

The familiar oddness...

The one that wonders why perceptions are so skewed.

To have everything and to have everything be not enough,

becomes this anthem of confusion.

Once upon a time there was a destination in sight,

and now that the city lights have faded and it's all so distant.

The waiting and the patience...the impatience replaces bravery.

I knew once upon a time is every time that isn't now.

The where and when of the greatness past.

Tell the people that they mean to you the way they do.

That you're just lost and you'll be back soon,

but finding your way is the only option to bring about the happiness deserved.

Cause in reality, even when it feels like nothing matters,

it all matters.

Transformation of past experiences to life lessons.

Damaging, honesty, hopeful brokenness.

What once was matters,

my once upon a time matter.

The most important part of it all is to have the love,

that happiness comes first,

then love hard,

appreciate beauty,

speak out truth.

Mostly, stand for the things you believe in...

cause those still matter, as unobtainable as it may seem.

Adventure, experience, forward motion,

that all matters.

But don't love blindly, because the only blind love that matters is love you show yourself.

Love you give away must be closely examined through investigative eyes.

Love first the things you know have always given back to you,

in ways you could have never helped yourself.

Love second the beauty that's in everything around you,

appreciate the simple things.

Love thirdly the kind of love that cannot be explained,

because the unexplained loves are the great ones.

The kind that fuels the file of discovery and adventure...

that makes you believe that everything has a specific part to the grander scheme of self.

I remember a past self in a different life and a different city.

I remember finding a person there that I had known all along but never came to love.

I remember loving deeper and more truly then anything,

and I remember how much it mattered.

Why are you so inevitable to me?

"They say it's what you make I say it's up to fate It's woven in my soul I need to let you go Your eyes, they shine so bright I want to save their light I can't escape this now Unless you show me how..."

And when I looked at you, staring intently into my eyes, it was everything familiar flooding back into every piece of me. The dreams of when I was a child, the memories of hopefulness. A blessing of calm soaking into my soul. And all that had mattered so deeply once, melted away. You breathed life into a meaningless void. There is no peace I've ever felt like when you're around me, there is no joy that's ever been so truly celebrated like the joy you bring. And I can only hope and pray that somewhere...somewhere down the line...our paths will cross again.

And I when you told me it would always be this way, forever and ever, I didn't believe you-because I knew the truth...that no two people could ever continue on this way...in perfect happiness, together until the ends of time, like two stars twinkling in the night sky. 

Some days I can't even trust myself
It's killing me to see you this way

'Cause though the truth may vary
This ship will carry
Our bodies safe to shore

of monsters and men.

"Old friends pass away, new friends appear. It is just like the days. An old day passes, a new day arrives. The important thing is to make it meaningful: a meaningful friend - or a meaningful day."

I remember everything like it just happened yesterday,

the streets we drove,  the moments that mattered, the songs we sang,

what we laughed about, cried about, stressed about,

what made us celebrate and jump for joy.

The scary stuff we did,

the way we lived like we were invincible in our naiive youthfulness.

But then I wake up and realize that so much time has passed,

and here I am yet again,

rushing a million miles an hour towards some unknown destination.

But it's confusing to see the similarities in the differences,

and the differences in the similarities.

If you were me, 

if you were in this situation, 

then you'd know exactly what I mean when i say that.

I keep diving headfirst into  the waves that keep pushing me backwards.

But yet, each time it's a little different...

each time a tiny bit of clarity is gained.

And i have hope in the gigantic void that is life.

And i feel refreshed, and i savor the chance for another chance.

Will i be the girl who's dreams always come true?

and once that happens realize I was stuck in the wrong dream?

I can't help but know there is an epic-ness about the upcoming.

There has always been a platform being built,

i'm just waiting until it's big enough to climb on top of,

and I want to stand there and announce to the world,

I fucking made it.

I'm here.

Living with no regrets,

knowledge of consequence and reaction to action.

I'm aware.

Living bravely, taking chances, being bold.

Keeping faith in the dark times,

surviving emptiness.

Patience, patience, patience,

allowing life to unfold as it's meant too,

taking cues when they are given,

moving forward, faster, slower, faster...

I get how this works, 

I'm a weathered veteran.

My spirit is unbroken and my eyes are set ahead,

making each moment count.

Life is so short, shorter then we think,

when time seems endless, and stretches ahead of us,

there is a sunset for every sunrise.

Please don't take it for granted. 

I don't understand love, and I don't think I ever will-

but love anyways.

Because there is no life, no living, true living,

without love.

I think we are all connected in some weird way,

what is this invisible bond?

Love.

Hope.

Beauty.

Passion.

Everything that matters,

it all matters.

But I know this, in the familiarity of unfamiliarity,

press forward and keep moving.

Some day the  invisible lines will appear in a clear path,

then everything will make sense.

Wait for that moment, and don't lose faith.

Accept the gradual changes in life,

adapt to the sudden changes in life.

Your time will come.

It always does, for everyone...

All I can say  about it  is this:

transforming anonymously is the quietest beauty,

patience is a well practiced skill, 

work at it every day,

it will not just happen.

Give love when it does't make sense,

give love when you don't feel deserving,

give love when it feels like you have nothing else to give.

Indulge in beauty,

soak it in, immerse yourself in it,

celebrate it at every chance.

Never that the passion of new adventures die,

fight with every ounce of strength to never be ordinary,

never be average, 

never settle.

And remain faithful to the idea that it will one day make sense,

and 

that

it. all. matters.

"Well I came home.Like a stone.And I fell heavy into your arms.These days of dust.Which we've known.Will blow away with this new sun.But I'll kneel down wait for now.And I'll kneel down.Know my ground.And I will wait I will wait for you."

Mumford and Sons.