"It started out as a feeling, Which then grew into a hope - Which then turned into a quiet thought- Which then turned into a quiet word- And then that word grew louder and louder... 'Til it was a battle cry. I'll come back when you call me, No need to say goodbye..."

“I was surprised, as always, be how easy the act of leaving was, and how good it felt. The world was suddenly rich with possibility.” 

― Jack Kerouac, On the Road

“It made me think that everything was about to arrive - the moment when you know all and everything is decided forever.” 

― Jack Kerouac, On the Road

The most important thing in my life, and the thing I try to focus on, is to try not to live a life of cruelty. That means trying to make sure I look people in the eye when I meet them. Sometimes you jump in a taxi, or maybe you only have two minutes with someone, and you never see them again. I try to always look them in the eye and have a real experience of what it is to communicate with someone...I guess it's about trying to live a life where I'm not contributing to the cruelty in the world....While I am on this planet, I want everyone I meet to know that I am grateful they are here.

Jessica. Chastain.

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget
Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
'Til they're before your eyes
You'll come back when they call you
No need to say goodbye

Regina Spektor

We wear our scarves just like a noose
But not 'cause we want eternal sleep
And though our parts are slightly used
New ones are slave labor you can keep

We're living in a den of thieves
Rummaging for answers in the pages
We're living in a den of thieves
And it's contagious

Regina Spektor

There is a gentle peacefulness in getting to where you hoped to be.

To have things fall into place the exact way you wanted them to fall together,

and to be in an easy satisfaction,
the type that is embedded deeply in the inner parts of your soul.

Its interesting,

to put so much energy and thought and hopefulness into a goal,

and then to actually cross the finish line.

Now I'm looking back on it all,

grateful to have reached this point.

And there is a certain emptiness in what remains.

But not a desperate emptiness,

a void of despair..

but rather a pool of calm.

Self-actualized platform,

standing on the peak of the metaphorical mountain,

sailing out to sea into the sunset,

coming home after a long holiday...

It makes me ponder what is next.

Not as urgent to fill-in-the-blanks,

but not forgetting to savor any of the moments of the present.

Who knows...

I never expected the ending of something to really turn out to be the beginning of something else.

A long road traveled,

many miles in the rear-view mirror,

so much leaving,

all in the name of heading West.

In a way its every bit as magical and satisfactory as I hoped it to be.
Washing over me, waves of soothing peacefulness.

Different then the East.

The concrete jungle was so easily accepting of who I was in the moment,

and so accommodating of the person I was struggling to be.

The East allowed me to fall into the steady discomfort of figuring out who I was...
and it protected me as I fought the daily grind.
And revealed the things I needed to know at the pace I needed to discover them.

I am endlessly grateful for that experience.
Because it has brought me to this place.

The West has proven to show me a different type of satisfaction.

In a way,
being here has been validating of the person I have become.

It's allowed me to create my world instead of participate in it.
Freedom and liberation from a lost self,

and I ca move about it in the purest fashion.

No longer the threat of looming transition,

but a quiet whisper of,

"stay for a while, this is where you're supposed to be."

I now find myself waiting on the future,

instead of forcing myself to conjure it.
"It won't be like this for long" mentality has gone away.
Because I know I have finally arrived.

And it's causing time to flow as organically as I have ever experienced it.

Days filled with sunshine and ocean,

and city lights...

the most therapeutic landscapes for a wandering gypsy like myself.

I can't help but think about a future nowadays,

which I have never allowed myself to dream of before.

Permanence and contentment are foreign travelers in my new world.

I welcome these visitors but stand awkwardly watching them from a distance,

the act as strangers I hope to gain trust from.

For someone who has naturally lived in a past,

it's flipping my world upside down to be coaxed into a future.

But as days pass,

and months pass,

years will also begin to slip away.

And whatever was once, has already become tiny specks of my history.

The strange feeling that nothing has ever existed before,

except for this.

I hope its the same for you,

when you get where you going.

You remember everything that brought you to where you are.

And every moment that seems stretched out and pointless,

has a clear meaning and purpose to your current existence.

And at some point you reach the understanding that it always had to be this way.

And the choices you made along the way were signs pointing you down this path.

And you remain brave as you navigate the unknown landscapes that decorate your world.

Remember that bravery is not the absence of fear,

but the creating of opportunity and experience amidst the things you are afraid of.

Don't worry,

loneliness is an expected side affect of transition.

Use it to examine yourself and work on creating a better version of self.

Be nicer to yourself too,

because you'll find that you're the only one truly in your corner,

and you're stuck with yourself,

so be your own best friend,

and resist the urge to be your worst enemy.

Do you know what I mean?

Life is this unbelievable opportunity,

and while it is not always easy,

it's a gift to be cherished.

I am unspeakably grateful to have been in the places I have been,

and seen the things I have seen,

and experienced the people I have met along the way.

For me,

it has been,

and will always be,
 this constant evolution of self.

Trying to live as the best version as possible at the point I'm at...

Patience will always be something I struggle with,

and I'm constantly needing to remind myself to slow down a little bit,

and also observe the natural beauty of my surroundings.

But I will never run in the opposite direction when faced with newness,
and I will continue to seize the day.
And treat each new day that passes as a brand new start.
And I accept the fact that I will always need change to fuel and to motivate and to inspire.
Because someone people are just this way.

And love.

The great and omnipotent force.

I will never truly understand love,

but I'm okay with this,

because I know it's as necessary as oxygen to maintain living.

To really and truly be alive is to have love.

Its the essence of every single thing,

and it's undeniable.

Its everywhere all the time,

and it's so important to practice love as often as you can.

Because love creates a beautiful selflessness...

And in order to be the best version,

I know love will be a building block,
held at the very core of who I am,

and I want create a genuine integrity,

and I want to find a connections with the people and things that surround me.

And in order to do this,

I must start with love.

Just remember,

even though it might be overwhelming right now...

it all matters,

and it will all fall into place soon.

“What is that feeling when you're driving away from people and they recede on the plain till you see their specks dispersing? - it's the too-huge world vaulting us, and it's good-bye. But we lean forward to the next crazy venture beneath the skies.” ― Jack Kerouac, On the Road

Long live the pioneers

Rebels and mutineers

Go forth and have no fear

Come close the end is near

And I say hey, hey hey hey

Living like we're renegades

X Ambassadors

Oklahoma

I know that however things all fall into place,

whether predictable or surprising,

I'm at peace with the process.

Things that seem easy now,

will unravel quickly and morph into the unexpected,

but I can weather the storm.

What I've come out of has only taught me to persevere,

to never say never,

to never say always,

to give second chances,

9.23.15

Arizona

"There was madness in any direction, at any hour. You could strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense that whatever we were doing was right, that we were winning..."

Hunter S Thompson

New Mexico

And where I was is beautiful
Because I was free

Once upon another time
Before I knew which life was mine
Before I left the child behind me
I saw myself in summer nights
And stars lit up like candle light
I make my wish but mostly I believed...

Sara Bareilles

California

"I do know the nature of this business and I know there is ebbs and flows. And as wonderful and exciting as all this is, this is my dream come true. Some people say I'm a workaholic, and I don't think that's what it is. I think I just love it so much and, for me, it doesn't feel like work. And this has been a dream of mine for so long, and it's taken longer than I had hoped it would. That when it finally has come to me I've been so scared that it's going to go away. So there's this kinda like grasping at it and working all the time. And something really beautiful has happened in the past ten days, where I'm starting to feel like, okay I can breathe. It's okay. You've found a place. No matter what, you will always be okay." -Jessica Chastain

Endlessly Grateful for a Life Paved with Adventure.

I have absorbed a lot of change as of late,

and my world looks completely different...

Sitting here in my tower on a hill,

I can't help but absorb how much my landscape has evolved.

Such a grand adventure,

relocating across country.

Driving through mountains and deserts,

to reach the ocean,

finally.

But I've made it to where I am,

and I am indescribably happy.

Life has never felt this way before,

complete.

It's a peaceful feeling to check everything off the list.

Wondering what new adventures to obtain.

But in the here and now I am fully in the moment,

with life fully happening all around me.

What is this life?

How am I so lucky to have found my way to this place?

The sunsets are the most magnificent here,

and I have a feeling of complete belonging,

watching the sun dip into the ocean,

and stars filling the night sky.

Completely indebted to the people and circumstances that happened along the way,

each moment bringing me closer to my new reality,

each step further into this new beginning.

It's unlike it ever was before.

The streets are cleaner than the last city that stole my heart,

and I am wide-eyed and innocent.

But really,

what is there to say right now?

I have learned to share the  most necessary things,

and hold the thoughts and questions close,

waiting until it becomes clear.

No aching desire to find myself out of the middle,

but a peaceful satisfaction lies in residing here on the west coast.

I can't believe it's as real as it is,

because I am convinced I will wake up from this dream at any moment.

I miss the comfort of the relationships that I keep,

but am completely overcome with the eagerness to build new ones.

I can't help but wonder if this is the end for now,

the beginning of the second chapter,

and I'm displaced in time and geography.

A home that was waiting for me all along,

speckled with mountains and decorated with ocean waves,

this place is the most beautiful place I've ever been.

Quiet curiosity about what life will morph into,

eagerness to begin to build new consistencies.

Perhaps it was always meant to be this way,

and everything else was just a run in the grand ladder or life.

Have you ever felt that moment,

when you know that everything you wanted and worked for,

was not only within your reach,

but a complete truth?

Because I don't know how often this comes around,

and whether it will ever be this way again,

but I certainly hope that I can capture this event,

and relive it over and over again.

What will my story be?

Am I done searching?

Could this be the legacy...

Perseverance produces dividends like never expected.

Bravery and patience has paid off,

and now it's just learning to be,

and learning to stay,

and learning to continue to grow.

There's no where left to wander,

because roots have already attached themselves to this ground.

Instead adventures lie and wait,

but the hopefulness of wanting to be in this place is finally satisfied.

I never thought that events would unfold like this.

The plan was ever changing and evolving.

Each minute that passed,

each moment of discomfort,

each instance of desperation,

seems completely worth the wait,

to know that this has all fallen together like it has.

I thought maybe life would reach a plateau like this,

I hoped diligently for it.

I worked to make the right moves,

and to head in the correct direction,

but never was I certain this is what would become.

And never will I take foregranted how far I have come.

Please let this be a reminder in the future,

that big dreams can become reality,

and that figuring out your own truth,

will bring you to a place of happiness.

Nothing is ever as impossible as it seems,

but nothing is ever completely in your control.

You must do your best to travel in the direction you are meant to go.

Listen to your gut,

follow the signs and jump at every opportunity.

Each journey is important and each moment really does matter.

In the grand scheme of it all,

you're simply fitting pieces of the puzzle together until it all makes sense.

I am not foolish enough to believe it will be easy,

because life has a way of finding teachable moments.

There will be struggles ahead,

but you are well equipped to handle them.

Stay humble and modest,

help to grow yourself,

but take time to show kindness to others as well,

because after all,

they showed kindness to you.

For now though,

appreciate that you are where you are.

Keep listening to your past,

because it will revel wisdom in your future.

Enjoy the new moments.

Remind yourself that life may never be this way again.

Don't be ungrateful when the moment are dull,

don't be burdened by stress from things your can't control.

Patience,

and trust the process because it works.

I hope you know that for now I will be in this place,

finding the happiness and satisfaction that you have already obtained.

Growing through new relationships and new experiences.

Planning and plotting the next adventure.

Thank you West Coast,

you have accepted me here with open arms.

My blessing are too numerous to count.

Seek out beauty,

practice love,

and know that living is the greatest adventure of all.

"Call me Ishmael. Some years ago — never mind how long precisely — having little or no money in my purse, and nothing particular to interest me on shore, I thought I would sail about a little and see the watery part of the world."

The changes in our life must come from the impossibility to live otherwise than according to the demands of our conscience not from our mental resolution to try a new form of life. - Leo Tolstoy

“He was unheeded, happy, and near to the wild heart of life. He was alone and young and wilful and wildhearted, alone amid a waste of wildair and brackish waters and the seaharvest of shells and tangle and veiled grey sunlight.” 

― Jon Krakauer, Into the Wild

In the morning it comes, heaven sent a hurricane
Not a trace of the sun but I don't even run from rain
Beating out of my chest, my heart is holding on to you
From the moment I knew
From the moment I knew

You are the air in my breath filling up my love soaked lungs
Such a beautiful mess intertwined and overrun
Nothing better than this, oh, and then the storm can come
You feel just like the sun
Just like the sun

"So I punched a hole in the roof. Let the flood carry away all my pictures of you. The water filled my lungs, I screamed so loud but no one heard a thing.” -Taylor Swift

“Cities were always like people, showing their varying personalities to the traveler. Depending on the city and on the traveler, there might begin a mutual love, or dislike, friendship, or enmity. Where one city will rise a certain individual to glory, it will destroy another who is not suited to its personality. Only through travel can we know where we belong or not, where we are loved and where we are rejected.” 
― Roman Payne, Cities & Countries

It's interesting to see how it all looks,

as more and more pieces begin to fall into place.

The moment feels like reaching the top of a roller-coaster,

teetering on the edge just before your stomach leaps into your chest.

Its a pure rush of adrenaline and is over so quickly.

Change sets about undeniable forward motion.

I'm excited for what lies right ahead of me,

within my grasp finally.

The west is the best and my home is the road.

Adventures pave the roads untraveled.

Self-discovery and growth inevitable outcomes to the future.

I can't wait to have the ocean a permanent part of my landscape.

A dream I have hoped for and called upon finally becoming a reality.

But everything has a specific time and place,

and it's all happening as it should.

Using the tools of patience, bravery, hopefulness, and perpetual self-transformation,

I'm creating the life I want the most.

Living fiercely with no regrets,

soaking up all the gifts the universe provides,

endless grateful to the people who have given me opportunities.

I never thought it would be this easy,

and life would have such a fluid motion,

but maybe it's the calm before the storm,

or perhaps it's the calm after it.

The waters have been choppy and change was a natural part of every day...

with consistency came satisfaction and an appreciation for all the little things.

Quiet moments of reflection on the past and present.

Never taking a single thing foregranted in the process.

Because it's all about learning as you go about it.

Having the understanding that nothing happens exactly the way you want,

being ready to change direction in an instant.

Knowing that unexpected surprises can bring good and bad,

but either way it's a chance for character building.

Separately, but of equal importance,

it's a good practice to never leave things unsaid.

The easiest way of self-expression is by speaking up,

and people will never be able to read your thoughts,

and human connectedness is essential to life.

Celebrate relationships that challenge you,

because those are the ones that grow you,

and those people are people that will stand behind you at your weakness,

because they care enough to help you see what's often right in front of our face.

Value those that are here and now,

and know they will reappear in your future if it's meant to be that way.

Love.

I may never really understand love in all it's forms,

but I understand it as it pertains to me.

Love has always been synonymous to sacrifice.

Which others might find a bit odd,

but know that I don't mean it the way it sounds.

When love truly manifests itself,

it will be worth the sacrifice of self.

The path will be widened to walk alongside another.

A pureness not peppered with resentment,

eager compromises.

It will all make sense the way it should.

I don't worry about not finding or having love,

because it's not something that is created from hard work,

or a treasure you find,

or a formula you follow.

Rather love exists all on it's own.

Its something to recognize, appreciate, admire,

but it stands on its own.

I cannot see the future as it lies ahead,

but I do not fear it.

I hope in some way, there is a slight possibility of you.

For now we walk in separate directions,

and you remain a quiet voice of inspiration.

Infrequent but powerful,

reminding me about the importance of love.

A distant afterthought locked away deep in my subconscious.

My heart is my own,

and I have been a keeper of it for such a short time,

I'm still learning how to transform into the most honest version of who I'm meant to be.

But maybe,

once this skill is fined tuned,

and I'm confident that I've traveled through the path I'm meant to journey,

we will meet again,

in a familiar place in a familiar time.

Fireworks and full moons overhead,

and I will allow another to guard the most important thing I have.

There's no one I have met more worthy of this task then you.

But I'm playing by the rules,

and being the most fair I can be.

The timing is just not quite right for the right now.

And I've learned to have patience and hopefulness that the pieces will fall into place as they are meant too.

They always have before.

I don't doubt they will continue to do so,

if I walk the truest journey,

and I continue to practice being a better version of myself.

But I don't think I"ll soon forget about how the winters became the summers,

quiet snowfall replaced with the twinkle of lightening bugs in the night sky.

I lived in the moment with you,

and enjoyed every second,

making the present dominate all thoughts of past and future.

Just as you told me I should.

So realize this,

perfect moments are not so rare,

keep yourself open to all possibilities.

Appreciate yourself in its entirety: mind, body, spirit.

Exercise your heart and build connections with others.

Keep pursuing your dreams,

because when you feel the most lost it might just mean everything is starting to fit together.

This may sound a bit corny,

but you really do create your reality.

Choose to live a life that brings you joy,

does not harm others,

and reach higher for an understanding that leads to self-actualization.

It's such a crazy wild beautiful journey,

and you may only have each opportunity once.

Don't waste a minute of it,

because life and time happens no matter what.

It all matters.

And finally.

Don't forget to love.