“So be sure when you step, Step with care and great tact. And remember that life's A Great Balancing Act. And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and ¾ percent guaranteed) Kid, you'll move mountains.”

“I used to spend so much time reacting and responding to everyone else that my life had no direction. Other people's lives, problems, and wants set the course for my life. Once I realized it was okay for me to think about and identify what I wanted, remarkable things began to take place in my life.” 

“The most intriguing people you will encounter in this life are the people who had insights about you, that you didn't know about yourself.” 

Nothing better than this

Ooh, and then the storm can come

You feels just like the sun

Just like the sun

And if you say, "Be alright"

I'm gonna trust you, babe

I'm gonna look in your eyes

And if you say, "Be alright"

I'll follow you into the light

“It should not be denied... that being footloose has always exhilarated us. It is associated in our minds with escape from history and oppression and law and irksome obligations, with absolute freedom, and the road has always led West.”

Four years ago I decided to start a journey,

where I traded in the self I was, the self I was supposed to be,

in order to transform into a new version.

10.10.10 I began this journey by documenting here,

the hard stuff, the life lessons, the realizations and the transformation.

My first post was an edit of an essay I wrote in college,

which has since become my life philosophy.

A perfect explanation of self, and a building block for the many adventures ahead.

Influenced by the life story of Christopher McCandless and the writing of Jack Kerouac,

I set about to become my own version of the American Adventurer.

And over the years the blog has changed slightly...

what started out as pictures and lyrics,

turned into reminders to my future self,

and an emotional scrapbook of my adventures in the great city of New York.

In order to embark on this journey,

to really push myself above and beyond what was "normal"

and to step outside of the box into a place of discomfort and self-realization 

I knew I had to face my fears.

In August of 2010 I decided to face my fears of both flying and falling by jumping out of an airplane.

It was both terrifying and exhilarating.

However,

once this happened,

other things started happening.

And everything changed.

So I jumped out of an airplane,

started blogging,

and with some negotiating,

was offered a job that allowed me to leave my current situation and move to NYC.

In December of 2010 I was to go to NYC for a week solo,

to experience the city and decide if this truly was the place I belonged.

Considering I had been to NYC on only one other occasion for a work trip,

and had only been in the 12 block radius of Midtown,

I knew I had a lot of learn about this magical destination.

What happened next...was a giant snow storm.

This epic snowstorm shut down all flights in or out of NYC for weeks.

And I was trapped in Illinois and faced with making a major decision with very little information.

Towards the end of January I flew out for a day to interview,

and was offered the job on the spot.

So after three painful months of stressing, planning, purging, and packing.

I threw everything I owned into five suitcases and bought a one way ticket.

On February 14th, 2011, I did the bravest thing I've ever done,

and faced my second fear.

I lived in NYC for 9 short months.

I had never been to Brooklyn before,

and after a three weeks of unsuccessful apartment hunting,

and a week and half of being homeless and living on the floor of an unfinished loft space,

I found a home.

Everything was new.

Every day was an adventure.

I was learning how to live and survive in a city where I knew no one,

and adapting to my new world at lightening speed.

I was more responsible for myself then I had ever been in my entire life,

and I was given more responsibility for other people that I had ever been in my entire life.

I explored every nook and cranny of Manhattan,

spending days just wandering around with my Ipod and a camera.

I met a lot of people who told me stories about their lives and where they came from.

I experienced a life of a Brooklyn-ite their 20s during the week,

and I spent my weekends on 5th ave and in the Hamptons,

being an observer of the other side.

Each day taught me something new about myself,

and each day grew me as a person.

I blogged a lot.

I felt like I was running fast, chasing after myself, trying to catch up and adapt.

And I felt like I left the old version of myself in the distance,

so far behind I didn't even recognize her anymore.

And while there were moments of ecstasy where I conquered,

there were moments of fear and loneliness.

One day I met someone and she became my guardian angel.

And after I met her,

there wasn't another time during my residency in NY where I was truly scared.

And although we were not very close,

I felt protected and safe.

When I left the city on 11.1.11,

packing all my possessions into a rented car to relocate to Boston,

I chose her as the last face I would see when leaving my great city.

And she gave something that I hold close today.

It was her good luck charm,

and she told me that it would keep me safe.

And it has.

So after some time in Boston,

recovering in a safe structured environment,

I finally caught up with myself.

I spent 5 months reintroducing myself to the person I had become,

after a life changing 9 months.

And eventually, after a brief but meaningful relationship with the East Coast,

In March of 2012, I made my way back to the middle.

I floated around for a few months,

but in October I settled somewhere more permanent,

and began to sprout some roots.

And for the last two years I have remained,

and I have spent a lot of time recounting my experiences.

On February 27th, 2014 I made my way back to my city,

for the first time since I had left 818 days prior.

Being back was an emotional catharsis,

and I was finally able to add some closure to my experiences in 2011.

Of course,

in true poetic fashion,

the first person I saw when landing was none other than my guardian angel.

Recently,

I decided in light of upcoming changes that may lie ahead,

I really wanted to feel invincible.

I really wanted to master a third fear,

that had been on the list for so long,

long before I packed everything I owned into five suitcases,

back to when I first started adventuring and had my great free fall.

In honor of this time of year,

and celebrating the anniversary of the move,

I finally got my tattoo.

Now the tattoo itself is not that elaborate or extravagant.

But the quiet meaning behind it,

to me,

is epic.

The inspiration behind this permanent work of art are the pictures above.

I have always known I wanted a compass on the inside of my right foot,

A symbol to celebrate my life as a an adventurer.

with the compass pointing to the west of my future,

and pointing to the east of my past.

In the center,

the all seeing eye,

as on the same charm given to me by a stronger who become a protector,

But more important than the actual tattoo,

was the act of overcoming a fear and embracing a feeling of being invincible.

Finally checking a box on a list,

as I slingshot ahead into an unknown future.

I can draw on the bravery from my past,

and the strength of facing fears.

I can't help but know that it all matters,

and I can't wait to see what comes next.

Change as a Commonality: The Mark of Being Human (EDIT 10.10.2010)

Human beings are creatures that are very similar to each other. Every single individual wandering around the earth shares a commonality. All of us are creations, made from the personal nature of human experience. Each one of us is fully engaged in playing the game of life: fighting the challenges and reaping the rewards. Sometimes we are accompanied by others and other times it becomes an individual effort. Few things are ever certain, even fewer things come easy. However, there is an unstoppable constant among everyone engaged in this ongoing process of life.

In all walks of life we experience change, starting at conception and continuing until one passes on. It is important in our lives. Big changes may leave an impact on us, but little ones are equally memorable. Change can come in all forms. It can be hard for us to fully understand change. The cause for this is not always obvious and the results can be unclear. Yet it’s a contagious force that acts as a catalyst for character building. There are no restrictions on change.

Dangerously, change is often accompanied by pain. It becomes confusing because humans tend to feel an unstoppable craving for change, but yet we strongly reject pain. It hurts, it’s uncomfortable, and it prohibits us from functioning normally. As much as pain can bring utter devastation to our lives, it’s necessary. Not without a price, pain takes from us.

Pain causes us to blame ourselves for problems we have no control over. It brings perpetual thoughts of merciless guilt. We require this ache in order to survive. This may seem extremely cynical. The most painful parts of life are when we are in our weakest states, but the magic of this time is that this is where the greatest, strongest changes are actually occurring. Defeat and deterioration are symptoms of change, the change that works to shape character the most.

It’s the aspect of pain accompanying change that makes us fear it. This can be a daunting idea. Perhaps we are convinced by ignoring change we can avoid pain as well. But it is impossible to ignore change. Without change we don’t evolve and adapt to the fast paced life that is constantly moving around us. This makes us pathetic and helpless, our own worst enemy. We constantly build walls just to learn to break them down again.

We desire earth shaking experiences but cling to every day consistencies.

It’s vital to recognize there is a way to overcome this fear of pain. The best way to digest difficult change is by remembering our blessings. Blessings are gifts that we acquire without the feeling of pain. We have so many blessings that it’s nearly impossible to count them all. Once we can learn how to use change as food for the soul, an opportunity to live, and the mark of being human, and once we realize how many blessings we really have, we can begin the process of self-transformation.

Self-transformation is a beautiful display of complete cleansing and re-creation of mind, body, and soul.This is the most vital part of change.

It is the key to understanding ourselves, and the key of surviving.

Change is our common denominator. Each time we undergo change we are more able to relate to other human beings. We are able to cope with the relationships and circumstances in our lives. We are more able to handle whatever life brings. So the solution is this: welcome changes, recognize change, and endure change. Remember that even though we may not be able to understand it right away, transformation is the result of change. It marks the personal evolution of self that each one of us strives to achieve.

A beautiful strength is found in simply surviving the trials of life.

"I've been picking up the pieces of the mess you made People like you always want back the love they pushed aside But people like me are gone forever when you say goodbye..."

I think I want you more than want. And no I need you more than need. I want to hold you more than hold. When you stood in front of me. I think you know me more than know. And you see me more than see. I could die now more than die. Every time you look at me.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieve it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night. 

"I have always known I wanted to be an actress, but my New York experience made me realize that my desire had nothing to do with becoming famous or making money, I was interested in exploring the human soul, its complexity, I wanted to work to understand something about life and myself. Being an actress means being in another person's shoes and therefore understanding what the person whose role you play feels; but also connecting with other human beings, as a mark of profound professional intimacy, that often touches the soul."

My head, my head is full of things that I should've done
My heart, my heart is heavy, and it sinks like a stone

She said, "Is this the life you've been dreaming of
Spending half the day away from the things you love?
It's not too late to do something new."

She said, "It's hard enough trying to live your life.
But not following your dreams made you dead inside.
If you don't love what you do."

“Do you ever feel that way?"
"Lonely?"
I search for the words. "Restless. As if you haven't really met yourself yet. As is you'd passed yourself once in the fog, and your heart leapt - 'Ah! There I Am! I've been missing that piece!' But it happens too fast, and then that part of you disappears into the fog again. And you spend the rest of your days looking for it."

People always try to explain and rationalize everything.

We do this in order to relate and connect with various moments in time,

but I wonder if that's us doing a disservice to ourselves.

I wonder about how life would transform if we decided to live bravely,

with an open mind and an accepting heart.

Throwing ourselves into each and ever opportunity that crosses our path.

Not worrying about tomorrow or yesterday.

But simply holding the right now.

It's hard for us to "let things go."

We are so attached to our things, possessions, control.

It becomes an issue of humility and generosity to give things up.

We congratulate ourselves for giving instead of receiving.

We want to create our own destiny and build our future.

We want to be happily surprised in arenas where we create and control an inevitable outcome.

We hope to gain experience, we make wish lists,

but then we never take action because its outside of the comfort zone.

It does feel safe,

and as much as we say we are gamblers,

we simply don't want to expose ourselves to risk.

I've found that opportunity is not something we create,

but it's a fleeting moment in time where we make a decision to journey into the unknown.

I've found bravery isn't a feeling we can master,

but rather it's a way of living we can practice.

You will never be absent from fear,

there are will always be parts of life and living that are unknown,

where things lie deep out of reach,

uncontrollable.

And what is most sensible thing to fear but the unknown.

If the unknown is  a deep dark bottomless pit,

then opportunity is the entrance.

It lies just on the surface between what we can see and control

and what we cannot predict.

Don't let it pass by quickly, recognize that fear makes bravery possible,

being brave is not the absence of fear,

but instead it's creating experiences in the midst of the things we are afraid of.

It's hard to explain to you.

But I say this in preparation for what is to come.

And I've reached the point where backwards actually feels like the past,

and every moment is a step in the future.

Transformation, change, the unknown, bravery, patience, love.

It's all happening again,

I feel like i'm standing on the surface of the known,

surrounded by opportunity,

peering down into the deep dark bottomless pit.

And I cringe to admit this,

but yes, I feel older, worn my past experiences of what was.

And although I saturate myself in reminders of my city,

it has settled as an epic moment in the history of who I am,

and it feels as comfortable as seeing an older friend.

I never thought I would be at that point,

but I'm okay with that.

I'm keeping in mind what I was told once,

That leaving my city was not the end of an adventure,

but rather the beginning of many.

And I'm on a count,

the clock ticks away and I'm savoring each moment this time.

I'm appreciating beauty and experience,

not in the quiet moments, but the loud ones.

I''m celebrating love instead of questioning it,

I'm saying two yes's for every no.

I"m being patient and strategic,

but I'm also being spontaneous.

I'm allowing my dreams to grow bigger than I can imagine,

and throwing them into the bottomless pit of the unknown.

Its okay to ask questions that don't have answers,

it's okay to let yourself live spontaneously,

it's okay to search in new places for connection.

Don't discount any moment,

don't get discourage.

This is you transforming into a better version.

Life may be short, or life may be long.

In the end it doesn't matter because we don't choose this for ourselves.

Remember how hard it is to "let things go..."

Well try,

because if you loosen the reigns of all the things you are trying to control,

then your hands will be free to explore,

experience,

and just be present.

That way you can maximize the here and now.

And you can be ready to snatch up the opportunities as they fly past.

There are things in life you don't want to be true that are,

spending your time and energy fighting to change that is useless,

Remember that being misunderstood is okay.

It does not prevent us from connectedness,

so stop trying to explain away the in explainable and just live.

And lastly a little bit about love.

At the core of human connectedness we have this thing call love.

And even though it has an endless variety,

never reappearing in the same way..

it also creates this universal connection among every person.

And it's okay to celebrate alongside others,

but don't discount the value it has for you personally.

Its the reason to experience each moment fairly,

its the reason we strive to explore and adventure,

it the reason we thirst for connections, and desire to be understood,

its the reason we appreciate beauty,

it's the greatest part of the legacy.

I've stopped trying to create happiness,

and instead have put my energy into practicing love.

This has changed my life in a profound way.

But its okay,

just do you best,

and don't forget it all matters.

“They danced down the street like dingledodies and I shambled after as usual as I’ve been doing all my life after people that interest me, because the only people that interest me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing.. but burn, burn, burn like roman candles across the night.”

"And for just a moment I had reached the point of ecstasy that I always wanted to reach, which was the complete step across chronological time into timeless shadows, and wonderment in the bleakness of the mortal realm, and the sensation of death kicking at my heels to move on, with a phantom dogging its own heels..."
Jack Kerouac

“There’s much more. There’s all that goes beyond – all … that is Elsewhere – and all that goes back, and back, and back. I received all of those, when I was selected. And here in this room, all alone, I re-experience them again and again. It is how wisdom comes. And how we shape our future.”

And the dreams you left behind you didn't need them
Like every single wish we ever made
I wish that I could wake up with amnesia
And forget about the stupid little things
Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you
And the memories I never can escape

'Cause I'm not fine at all

The habit of looking to the future and thinking that the whole meaning of the present lies in what it will bring forth is a pernicious one. There can be no value in the whole unless there is value in the parts.

BERTRAND RUSSELL, Conquest of Happiness

I wonder always the constant duality of life.

Why is everything always composed of such opposing forces.

Working hardest against the progress of the other.

The greatest fear of it all 

is trading an possibility of an opportunity for love, 

real true honest selfless love...

for the possibility of an opportunity for adventure,

real true honest passionate adventure.

Fearful of one outcome
and equally fearful of the other outcome.

What is a beatnik, 

where is freedom, 

the place of fabulous yellow roman candles.

Something that can't possibly be understood by masses.

This desire that lies embedded deep in the soul, 

layered by experience and heartache.

Sometimes the easiest thing to do is a simple taste of instant gratification,

riddled with guilt and regret.

I refused to fall into the normalcy.

I refuse to bend to the pressures and expectations.

Love and Freedom are equal weight of the scales,

and opposing forces in a raging war.

I know the things that have passed and those events have built me.

The things ahead on the horizon, those lurking in the future,

only dictate strengthening of version of self that is.

I never understood love,

and maybe that's how it was always supposed to be.

To feel alone and to be alone are two different things.

Each choice has equal importance, but lead to different paths,

different adventures.

One understood and one unrelatable.

To be misunderstood is to know what it is to be alone.

I wonder how it all plays out in the end,

written like the heroine in the classic story.

Written like a god in an ancient myth.

Removed from the exactness of reality,

 fantasized as an sailor sailing off into the sunset in an ocean breeze.

The possibilities that are endlessly laid out,

 the excitement of the newness of it all,

the fear of the finality of the choice,

the fear of the sureness that comes with age and time.

I never assume a thing, 

because I've learned that people are full of surprises.

Good and bad ones, but never as predictable as one can hope.

Relatable on so many levels, 

at the core characteristics of being human,

and walled by there own insecurity and flaws.

Beauty in nature, and the innocence in new horizons,

this is pure and honest and motivating.

Nature does not demand to be understood and it does not need or want.

Endless sunsets, open ocean, quiet skies...

instead demand to be respect and never pass judgement.

I don't know how it was supposed to be,

I only know how it is,

how it was.

I cannot change the past,

but I can shape the future.

I can carry with me the burdens and the hopefulness,

I can remain brave and hopeful for a future filled with changing horizons,

lit with the fabulous yellow roman candles,

burning bright bright bright.

And just let the opposing forces battle on,

surrounded by the warfare, avoiding danger,

trying to keep myself from being a casualty of indecision.

Approaching transformation of self as a shield

 for the weapons of time, money, age, opportunity.

Making the most of every moment, every second,

and respecting that life operates without permissions.

And know that misunderstanding is better then assuming.

And recognize that being alone and feeling alone are two separate feelings.

And that there are choices that constantly dictate the natural motion.

And remain hopeful.

And know that it all matters.

And take nothing foregranted because above all else,

nothing is truly deserved...

It all becomes karma, serendipity, happenstance,

and you don't always earn those moments,

and you don't always understand the whys and hows.

But it's still okay.

Celebrate the people but understand the limitations of it all,

know that it will just add to the creation of a better understanding.

Prioritize, scrutinize, plan carefully, wait patiently...

it all matters.

And don't give up on love and don't give up on adventure.

These are the dualities of life and the driving forces.

They will lead to freedom.