"Let's dance in style, lets dance for a while... Heaven can wait we're only watching the skies!!!! Hoping for the best but expecting the worst Are you going to drop the bomb or not? Let us die young or let us live forever, We don't have the power but we never say never..."

"Oh, no. To live... to live would be an awfully big adventure."
-Robin Williams at Peter Pan (Hook)


Forever young, I want to be forever young Do you really want to live forever

FEAR IS A FRIEND WHO'S MISUNDERSTOOD.

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

You know it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing

I learned the hard way that they all say
Things you wanna hear
My heavy heart sinks deep down under
You and your twisted words
Your help just hurts
You are not what I thought you were
Hello to high and dry

Love Song Sara Bareilles

Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You'd better know that in the end
Its better to say too much
Than never to say what you need to say again
Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open

Say John Mayer

You might have to close your eyes
And slowly open wide (all this beauty)
And watch the sun rise. 

Well, I'll just go ahead and admit it...I have been hardcore major funking lately.

 I can't seem to figure out exactly what's going on with me, so mine as well blog about it right?

I have been thinking a lot about time...how it progresses, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years...

If you ever need to put something into perspective look back and look ahead, and realize that time passes so strangely sometime...

but embrace it. People come and go and life is so short. Take advantage of every moment you have with every person,

because you just don't know when you will get it again.

Anyways, lately I have been thinking a lot about the people in my life that have come and gone,

the influence they've had on me, both positive and negative.

Another way to monitor timing is to look at all the relationships you've had and lost and gained,

at least that 's what I do.

It makes the world seem a little smaller.

That's a good thing

.

So this funk I'm in....I feel like I'm disappearing....

Which, I've been thinking a lot about why I would feel this way, and I realized 

IT'S BECAUSE I AM.

Now almost 4 months living in a new place, a big place, with lots of people, and 100% new experiences...It's totally changing me.

I'm becoming someone different, and I have to believe really I'm just turning into

a better version of myself. 

There are definitely good days and bad days, (lately more bad ones)...

but its normal and it's part of the process.

But the thing I realized is that its really delicate, because it's a completely personal experience.

My mistake is thinking I should be sharing it, but it's not something that can be shared.

I definitely don't need anyone to tell me who I am or what I am or how I feel.

I have no one expecting anything from me, and 

I FUCKING LOVE THAT...

It's total freedom and me being able to just DO ME.

But there is consequence to this also, because in order to be able to be with yourself,

you have to understand yourself. 

You have to appreciate yourself,

the good parts and the bad.

Its not a matter for me of self-esteem, I've always had a rather high one-

but I have struggled a lot with understanding myself.

It's easier to understand yourself

in relation to the people around you-the  safety net of your friends, family, co-workers...

but when you lose that net, you have to learn to understand yourself

all on it's own.

This is where I'm at.

Transformation.

Change.

It's incredible how it happens, such immovable  force of life.

Whether you want it, need it, crave it, request it, ignore it, deny it

it happens anyways.

No permission needed.

I think I  will embrace my funk, and give myself a little more leeway to transform.

I realize that I am constantly challenging myself to be better, and that's a good thing.

But i also have to let myself make mistakes,

its when we make mistakes  that we learn lessons, and change happens.

So let me be. 

Let me be me.

Leave me be.

I'm disappearing, 

but  only so I can reappear as a

better version of myself.

Let me learn.

Let me grow.

Let me make mistakes.

 Let me be sad.

Let me be lonely.

Let me celebrate myself.

Let me not be so proud.

Let me not be so uptight.

Let me live.

A beautiful strength is found in simply surviving the trials of life.

"Me? I'm scared of everything. I'm scared of what I feel, of what I've said, of who I am, but most of all I'm scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my life the way I feel when I'm with you."

"I'm wishing that someday, you'll miss me terribly that no matter how hard you'll look for me, you wouldn't find me...because I want you to miss me the same way I'm missing you."

It's alright I'm getting dizzy just enjoy the party
It's OK with me if you don't have that much to say 
Hey

Kinda like this thing but there's something you should know
I just came to say
Hello 

Hey 

I could stick around and get along with you 
Hello 
It doesn't really mean that I'm into you
Hello 

"Today was just one of those days where everything I did reminded me of you and every song I heard somehow related to you. I hate days like today, because they remind me of the one thing I don't have."

"Maybe they are right. Maybe I did get my hopes up too high. Maybe I was in over my head. Maybe I am the stupid one for ever thinking that you loved me, but maybe, just maybe, I am tired of being alone."

Well, really though-it's a process 

learning how to be in the world. 

Learning where to be in the world.

Learning how to be alone.

Learning how to be together.

It's raw and honest.

It is in constant flux.

It burns and invigorates.

It's the truest of feelings.

Un-distracted.

Un-decided.

Fuck.

One Day At A Time.

This is every day.

"I always say goodbye I watch the stars from my window sill, the whole world is moving and I'm standing still..."

All this beauty
You might have to close your eyes
And slowly open wide
All this beauty, we traveled all night
We drank the ocean dry
And watched the sun rise

You can ask about it, but nobody knows the way
No breadcrumb trail to follow through your days
It takes an axe, sometimes a feather
In the sunshine and bad weather
It's a matter of getting deeper in, any way you can

I can see your new awake
Let me assure you friend:
Every day is ice cream and chocolate cake
And what you make of it, let me say
You get what you take from it so be amazed
And never stop, never stop, never stop
You gotta be brave

'Cause all this beauty
You might have to close your eyes
And slowly open wide
And watch the sun rise
And watch the sun rise
And watch the sun rise 

All this beauty

You might have to close your eyes
And slowly open wide
All this beauty, we traveled all night
We drank the ocean dry
And watched the sun rise

Weepies

-Photographed by E.J.

Well, after a lengthy vacation from blogging, I've decided it was about time to post something. Might be a little big more of having to read what I'm writing from here on out...I've decided after mostly hiding behind quotes and lyrics it's time to let my voice be heard and become something relevant...the main audience being my later self...Its been seeping into the blog more recently anyways-but I think in light of the transition I've had it's time to transition the blog too. After careful observation of the interactions happening around me, I am beginning to adjust to being out on my own in the wide wide world. Wide open spaces...I was told by a friend this week-it's a process, and this I have to remind myself...things take time to really adjust and sometimes you just have to ride it out day by day. It's true-I know how ahead of myself I often get...and it's been so good to just experience each day as it comes and to not be constantly wishing and waiting for life to work out how I want it. Life is so interesting right now...and I believe that I've circled around to the beginning of something new and that's really exciting to me. Anyways...I found this "give love away" painted on a wall and I thought it was perfect...and it made me think of the weepies song. The whole song is really great...but the best line...

And what you make of it, let me say
You get what you take from it so be amazed
And never stop, never stop, never stop
You gotta be brave

Anyways, just something to think about...

Escapism Pt. VI

I wholeheartedly believe 

that running away from something is acceptable, 

if you're running towards something better.

Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible to see the other whole against the sky.

"There are those who pass like ships in the night, who meet for a moment, then sail out of sight with never a backward glance of regret, folks we know briefly then quickly forget. Then there are friends who sail together, through quiet waters and stormy weather, helping eachother though joy and through strife. And they are the kind who give meaning to life."

-Unknown

What am I suppose to do
When the best part of me was always you and
What am I suppose to say
When I'm all choked up and you're okay

I'm FALLING TO PEICES, yeah
I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
'Cause she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks

no it don't break even...

-The SCRIPT

“A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.”

Florida Chronicles: Palm Trees by E. Jewell

So I bought a couch today. In retrospect, not that big of a deal really. Simple move. But coupled with these thoughts I've been having recently about life in general...and I've been quite reflective lately...it really feels like shit is getting heavy. I can feel it in the air, the transformation that is occurring every day. Fuck, it's really intense. But it's really good, I mean it's this amazing freedom of letting go...I now realize just how different this experience is making me, and perhaps all it took was a trip home to see how much I've really learned here in the concrete jungle. Nothing is easy, nothing is normal, and everything is just surviving. But it's so beautiful, and so honest. It's like I've been seeing everything in my life with sunglasses on and for the first time, I am looking at life with my naked eyeballs, and holy shit. It's a little overwhelming, but I'm totally in love with this. Some invisible wall is crumbling quickly and suddenly I feel like I'm totally vulnerable and unprotected and everyone is watching. I love it. Watch me, see what happens next-because I promise it's going to be amazing. Being able to table past issues and draw a thick line of separation between me and the familiar and home and life that's past...and looking forward to the future. I feel like I'm being honest with myself for the first time, and I think it's because I'm working really hard to take care of me...everything about me. I dunno, maybe that's just some crazy stupid bullshit...but lately I really have been feeling different. I can't explain it exactly. I think it's me doing me in a way I have never done before and it's fucking perfect.

Anyways. Also I love you. Love is the most perfect emotion.

Love is a symbol of eternity.  It wipes out all sense of time, destroying all memory of a beginning and all fear of an end.

"And when its the end Our lives will make sense And love, we'll bend lets play.... pretend. Its not gonna be long before we're all gone and nothing to show for them stop taking lives, come on let's all grow up again"

Remember the times, we had soda for wine...and got by on gratitude... 

(Pretend: lights)

Listening, walking, life, clarity, nonsense, honesty, love, passion, fear, hope, pride, independence, love, honesty, hope, fear, love, honesty, joy, love. Love. LOVE.

Seems somebody put out the moon
Now the road is a mine field
I cant follow the way she moves
I cant see past the shadow
You make the darkness disapear
I feel found when you stay near
I know where I am when you are here.
My way becomes so clear

When you are gone
Will I lose control?
You are the only road I know
You show me where to go
Who will drive my soul?

I have never felt this much this way this honestly. Its beautiful and it's overwhelming.

And when its the end Our lives will make sense And love, we'll bend.

"I hope that you see right through my walls I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling I'll never let a love get so close You put your arms around me and I'm home..."

The whole thing's tumbling down

Things start splitting at the seams and now

If things start splitting at the seams and now,

It's tumbling down

Hard.

Anything to make you smile

You are the ever-living ghost of what once was

I never want to hear you say

That you'd be better off

Or you liked it that way

But no one is ever gonna love you more than I do

No one's gonna love you more than I do

 Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two
-St. Augustine

In a book, in a box, in the closet 
In a line, in a song I once heard 
In a moment on a front porch late one June 
In a breath inside a whisper beneath the moon 

There it was at the tips of my fingers 
There it was on the tip of my tongue 
There you were and I had never been that far 
There it was the whole world wrapped inside my arms 

-Leighton Meester

“The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.”

The Most Amazingly Inspirational Video I've Ever Watched

"At some point in life the world's beauty becomes enough. You don't need to photograph, paint or even remember it. It is enough. No record of it needs to be kept and you don't need someone to share it with or tell it to. When that happens — that letting go — you let go because you can."

Some things in life are so amazing there is no way to truly know...you just have to appreciate the beauty.

aurora borealis

Named after the Roman Goddess of Dawn-Auora and the Green name for Wind-Boreas

THE GREAT BLUE HOLE

The Midnight Sun

"I know you see me...

Like some wide eyed dreamer:

That just rolled in off a dusty mid-west bus."

Reflections

Preface: this is going to be really random...

The First Topic: If you cannot tell by the beginning of this post-I've been thinking a lot about beauty lately...I'm sure it's mostly to do with my new geographical location. Lately I've been finding so much beauty EVERYWHERE and in EVERYTHING. It's been a real healing perspective for me to have actually, and I feel blessed because it's just sort of happened. Other then desiring a new perspective on life I didn't do anything significant to cause this. It is new though...and this is going to sound really stupid...but every song I hear is the best song I've ever heard, ever simple interaction I have feels like someone granted me a random act of kindness, every success I achieve I celebrate. The shock of being in NYC has worn off slightly (as tomorrow makes it 2 months in this glorious city), however I can't help but think at least twice every day that I am living the dream. No matter how hard life feels, or how lonely it gets, or the weather, or work, nothing, NOTHING...can change this underlying contentment and satisfaction and pride I have for being here...living here...making a life for myself here. Yes, it's hard at times, yes its overwhelming at times...but I'M DOING IT. And while I generally believed this was possible the whole time, I was really scared to be on my own for the first time. I mean really on my own...far away from the people I know and the places I know...But I think it's the fact that I am alone that I can find the beauty in life I have been ignoring before...it was always there. Just living is a beautiful thing. I think for the first time in a while...maybe ever...I'm seriously excited about the possibility of life and I know that whether it's scary or not I can do it! And that is a beautiful feeling.

The Second Topic: There's something that's been on my mind lately a lot. And I really want to share it, because I've never really expressed this before. And I can't really stop thinking about it. There is no real significance to these stories to anyone other then myself, because it was two really personal interactions, but nonetheless let me tell you...

When I was on the airplane flying to LaGuardia from O'hare...I was so nervous, exhausted, emotional, anxious, excited, scared...you name the emotion and I was probably feeling it. When we boarded the plane I found my seat (had picked the window seat in order to get pictures) and the two remaining seats on my right were empty. The flight wasn't full, it was Valentines Day, a Monday...I was looking out the window waiting for the plane to take off (I already hate flying and the plane was delayed on the runway) and this girl sat down in the aisle seat of my row.She was in her early 30's, traveling alone, and one of those people who just says whatever the hell is on her mind simply because she can. She added a colorful commentary to the fact that we were delayed (for the second time), she talked about the people around us (why she moved seats), and settled herself in. I was not the most responsive person as I was working really hard to just keep my shit together (the move, the flight, everything...). She asked me where I was from as the plane finally left the runway. Something about the way I look during takeoff...I must look like hell because more than once someone has tried to start up a conversation with me-which tells me they are so concerned they are taking the time to offer distraction. I took a few seconds to answer the question...mostly because I was distracted worrying if we were going to make it to our cruising altitude. But then I said well originally from Chicago, but I guess now from NYC, I'm moving. She said "Oh" and went back to studying her textbook for a few second and then looked at me and said, "wait, so this is the move?" and I said, "this is the move." The rest of the flight there was more conversation. She was originally from NYC but living in Chicago for a few years, she

studied pre-med and is currently a doctor at Illinois Masonic Medical Center, living in Lincoln Park. She was flying back to NYC for the Westminster Dog Show. I think about her a lot.

The other person I want to tell you about...his name was Eric. I met him later that afternoon, after arriving in Greenpoint I set my bags down and immediately ventured out to my first apartment showing I had set up. Little did I know at the time I mastered a very tricky subway transfer-my first solo subway experience and my first NYC subway experience ever. I found his apartment, which was very nice, but in a very questionable neighborhood. He had an awesome dog and a room with a balcony and a roof with an amazing view. Seemed like the perfect home. He was a freelance photographer, and other then admitting very causally he dabbled in psychedelic drugs and smoked a ton of weed was a fairly normal guy. He had great taste in music and the apartment was clean and well decorated. We sat and talked for a while. I asked a lot of questions, and he was patient. I explained I have never looked for an apartment before and not sure about the process...somewhere during the interview I think I had subconsciously decided I couldn't take this apartment (as it was the 1st one I had seen and I had been in the city 2 hours), although it was offered to me. But nonetheless our conversation moved to profession, pets, lifestyle, furniture, roommates, travel, music....He  was the first person I met here. And still has been one of the kindest. We went our separate ways and I let him know I wouldn't be taking the room, I'm sure he found a roommate. I still think about him a lot.

(Sorry this is getting really lengthy)

The Third Topic: This is somehow connected to the previous topics...but unrelated all the same. So I've learned a lot so far, experienced a LOT. So many firsts have gone by so quickly...my first apartment search, my first day of work, my first ferry ride, the first time I saw the Statue of Liberty, the first time I rode the subway/bus, the first time I walked the Brooklyn Bridge, my first time driving a car through Manhattan, my first time attending a book signing, the list of "first time"s I've seen or done or accomplished something is endless. I can't say this has been perfect, but what is perfection anyways-all relative. There is a lot of things one faces when they are discovering themselves alone in a new place for the FIRST time...These are the things I've learned about myself-

I'm a dreamer. I've always been a dreamer and I always will be. I dream big but I'm capable of accomplishing most of those dreams. This may make me someone who doesn't always appreciate the moment, but I'm learning how to do both. I wouldn't ever want to lose or compromise my dreamer-ness. This makes me happy and it's who I am. 

I'm stronger then I thought I was...not in the ways I originally thought I was strong but in totally different ways. I'm not afraid to be alone, in fact I enjoy spending the day with myself. I enjoy spending time with myself in general and I need too, because it helps me process life. I'm not afraid of death or dying. I'm not afraid of taking risks. I have more self control then I thought I did.

I'm in a learning process. I'm so young, only 23!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Life is totally just beginning and there are so many things I want to see and do, and there is no rush, because really wanting something is an amazing motivator. And sometimes it takes times to achieve those dreams. But in general I'm not scared of not knowing what I'm meant to be doing. In fact I have a ton of ideas of what I want to do with my life. I have been playing with the ideas of different professions down the road. I love mastering something and I love working hard. The more frequently I can challenge myself doing working different types of jobs keeps life interesting. Plus, there are so many choices out there...why settle for doing one thing forever. Again...there is time.

I'm sure this crazy idea to not have children and this inner voice telling me I need to be alone for a while is a HUGE hint to what lies ahead. Not in a bad depressing way...and not even in the selfish way I thought. But rather, I want to live dangerously-I want to travel to exotic places, I want hike/camp, I want to change jobs, change locations, I want to buy a boat, I want to learn how to surf, I want to live on a beach, I want to go cave diving...the list is endless...none of this is conducive for being a mother. Children need stability and safety, and schedules and consistency. I want to be unpredictable, adventuresome, and slightly reckless at times. Maybe this will all get out of my system as I experience more and get older. But right now...I see lots of adventuring ahead...lots of things that are slightly dangerous, new hobbies to learn, new places to visit. New challenges to master. New people to meet. 

So I have been telling this to myself lately, "Keep dreaming, keep learning, keep experiencing. The possibilities are endless. You are stronger then you think, remember things take time. Don't hurry life, enjoy the moment."

Well I guess that's it. Told you it was random. Feels good to get that out there.

Promise I'll minimize the personal ramblings next time.

You put your arms around me
and I believe that it's easier for you to let me go
You put your arms me and I'm home

Arms-Christina Perri

"“Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think"

A couple of hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. Never leave that till tomorrow, he said, which you can do today. This is the man who discovered electricity. You think more people would listen to what he had to say. I don't know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I'd have to say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you're wrong? What if you're making a mistake you can't undo? The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can't pretend we hadn't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day. Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying.

-Grey's Anatomy

Sometimes its doesn't matter what angle we look at a situation, so many different perspectives, none of it matters. There is no correct course of action. In the end the result is the same; and it's beautiful.

"The whole thing's illusion, Jacob, and there's nothing wrong with that. It's what people want from us. It's what they expect."

 -Sara Gruen

“There are those who will say that the liberation of humanity, the freedom of man and mind is nothing but a dream. They are right. It is the American Dream.”

'Some years ago — never mind how long precisely — having little or no money in my purse, and nothing particular to interest me on shore, I thought I would sail about a little and see the watery part of the world." -Moby Dick

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
BUT THESE STORIES DON'T MEAN ANYTHING
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you
I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules-The Story Brandi Carlile

"Who is it that loves me and will love me forever with an affection which no chance, no misery, no crime of mine can do away?"

Don’t you wanna stay here a little while?
We can make forever feel this way
Don’t you wanna stay?

-Don't You Wanna Stay (Jason Aldean & Kelly Clarkson)

So no matter what you been through, No matter what you into
No matter what you see when you look outside your window
Brown grass or green grass-Picket fence or barbed wire
Never ever put them downYou just lift your arms higher
Raise em till’ your arms tired
Let em’ know you’re their That you struggling and survivin’ that you gonna persevere
Yeah, ain’t no body leavin, no body goin’ home Even if they turn the lights out the show is goin’ on!
Alright, already the show goes on Alright, till the morning we dream so long
Anybody ever wonder, when they would see the sun up

Just remember when you come up The show goes on!

-Lupe Fiasco

Well, let's just see how this goes...shall we. Okay...here it is...been thinking a lot lately about affection. How does one show to another that they care about them? Why does love have so many translations? What happens when one person expresses love to another in a specific way, and what happens if the other person understands love in a different language? What makes a bond between two people? What is the breaking point? I don't think I understand love, and I don't think I ever will. I want too though. I have this inner desire that craves relationships and interaction. There is something beautiful about taking the time to sit and listen to someone tell their story, in the same way one might appreciate self-expression through song, painting, writing, photographs, dancing, acting, anything really. This is how I feel...I don't want to get to carried away here. Been having these reoccurring thoughts lately though. Mostly about love, and the expression of love. I feel stuck though, and it changes how I feel about everything...There is a whole mural of questions I have in my head...wondering how leaving someone could equal love. How is that possible? Is love leaving, if that's the right thing? Is loving someone always doing the right thing? Or is love honesty? Is love loneliness or separation? Is this how we know that we love...by being apart? Is loving oneself possible without constant self-improvement? What causes us to love another? Body chemicals? Common interest? Physical Characteristics? Feeling secure? Maybe love can't be explained at all, perhaps this is why I'm struggling so deeply to understand it. But what is life without love? It's so necessary. Not even loving another person, but loving an activity, a song, a hobby, a sunset, a novel, a pet...I may argue that it's so vital. I wish this wasn't so confusing to me. So very confusing...I'm thinking learning to love yourself can be the most difficult hurtle to jump, because in order to love I believe you have to have an understanding...full comprehension-and that means digging deep. Which can be scary...soul searching. Shit. That's really real. Appreciating yourself for who you are despite what you come from. Understanding yourself on a whole...mind, body, soul. To learn healthy strategies for bonding. To understand what bond has been broken. To repair the damage you may not even understand, or injuries you don't know you have endured. This is just how I feel. I think so many people express love to others in so many ways it's hard to differentiate where you fall on the spectrum. But somewhere...This doesn't have to make sense, there is nothing to be understood. There is no context. Rambling I know. But I had to ask...