"We go toward the softest places to land, and sometimes they are few and far between. I was lucky to find some sort of path that stretched out in front of me, like yellow lines on a freeway, and even luckier to have the feeling that it was going to take me somewhere special..." -Sara Bareilles

****All quotes and Lyrics are Sara Bareilles, because her music and words have changed my life****

"...time does what it always does: softened hard edges." 

“You are overwhelmed and haven’t learned to be your own friend through this yet. You will. Your fear of jumping without a net is so valid, and the trick that you haven’t learned yet is that that’s life, always and everywhere. There are no nets. Life is a big, long free fall, and the sooner you can embrace what is beautiful about that, the sooner you will start to enjoy the ride.” 

"Soon, you will start really writing your own music, and you will see such depth in yourself that you didn't know what there. It will fill you up. You will tell the story of feeling invisible to love, and it will comfort other people who feel the same way, and it will make you feel connected to something bigger than yourself."

"There is something really magical about loving someone, especially in the beginning, when they hijack your whole being and rewrite the synapses of your brain until they are conducting all traffic. It's like everything is seen through the prism of that person, and it somehow makes everything sing."

"Looking back on those early days now, I realize I had no perspective on where my music was headed, but as time passed, the picture revealed itself slowly, slowly, slowly."

Let me unveil to you the honest truth of dream chasing.

And I say this not to throw shade on the the past celebratory musings as of late,

but to give you a painfully honest perspective of someone who lives this way.

And it's been weighing heavily on my mind,

so I must express these thoughts.

There is such an amazing beauty in not settling.

This looks different for different people,

Some people are cursed with the knowing from the very beginning.

They struggle through the challenge of how to "get there."

Climbing high to a dream that sits at an impossible altitude.

Through sheer determination and hard work and a splash of luck they find themselves at the top.

Others are cursed with not knowing,

but the fire and passion to engage in the search.

Instead of knowing what direction to head,

they only know what direction NOT to go...

and this leaves them running down all kinds of paths searching for the place that feels right,

the place that feels like home.

I used to be completely convinced 100% that this was a choice.

People can choose to settle,

people can choose to explore and adventure...

Now I have the tendency to believe this is not a choice.

This is something that is built deep into the workings of who we are as people.

The very basic design of our human makeup,

the things that make us who we are.

I wish this was a choice,

and I could say that I choose this way.

But really it becomes about survival.

Keeping the soul alive,

feeding the spiritual need to engage in the journey,

because everything that is the essence of everything dies a suffocating death.

And something deeply personal,

I have been sad lately.

And when I dug into the core of my feelings,

I realized the sadness was not sprung from missing the familiar,

missing the people and places that built a home,

but rather the sadness has a different source.

It comes from the realization that I do not have those achingly homesick feelings,

and the sadness comes from knowing I am not missing.

Which is only further evidence that it was always meant to be this way.

And there was always a separation,

invisible walls built up to keep me out,

and divide.

And the confirmation that this feels so right,

is also the confirmation that it had to be this way.

Don't discount my gratitude for my situation.

I have run down every path laid before me and finally reached a place called home.

And this is a great accomplishment.

But perhaps a tiny part lived inside that thought maybe things were never meant to be this way.

That maybe I would loop back around and see myself as someone who needed a journey,

but would safely end up back among friends.

Instead,

here I am...

living in a foreign paradise,

without a single tinge of remorse, regret, or sorrow.

Only sorrow for what is not felt.

I think it's also important to remember that life is going have continual ups and downs.

And even though it feels like a conclusion,

life is not done,

and the story is not over.

Even when you can look behind you and see clear progress and a sensible progression,

really life can never truly be predictable.

If you continue to live with an openness that allows your story to unfold as it should,

you'll see that crazy things lie ahead.

Some predictable,

others that will knock you off your feet.

And when you feel tired,

which you will feel...

that exhaustion from trying and trying to be a better version,

and to align yourself correctly,

and to keep pushing yourself forward,

father from your comfort zone,

creating new comfort zones...

when you feel tired remember-

that nothing in life comes easy.

And it shouldn't.

Because there are lessons in the challenges.

Opportunities for growth.

Life is pointless without self-improvement.

The minute you stop trying,

you stop feeding the need to develop into a better human being,

and to leave behind a respectable footprint on this early,

and a legacy,

is the moment that life becomes stagnant.

Where complacency becomes reality,

and you settle. 

And I promise you this...

I will never, NEVER settle.

I would rather be done with this round of living before I settled.

It's a fight I won't surrender.

So remember that momentum is important,

but keep searching for the meanings of things.

Don't accept the first answer that falls into your laps,

but search out purpose.

Look back at the great struggles of the people you respect and admire most.

They had a fire that never burned out,

they continued to work and evolve,

even when they were exhausted,

even when it seemed like the odds were stacked against them,

even when nothing about moving forward made sense.

They rose to victory from a pile of disappointments.

This is what it takes to be great.

This is what it takes to grow.

This is what is takes to achieve.

And this is the definition of chasing your dreams.

I wish I could promise to you that you will find yourself at the end someday.

Where everything makes perfect sense,

and everything feels just the way it should be.

But know it probably won't be that way.

You will have to keep chasing,

keep progressing,

and you might find yourself on the other side of the wall a lot.

And as you grow in understanding  you might be sad,

and that's okay,

because I promise you the alternative would bring a deeper sadness then you could handle.

And you probably won't be "great" but follow the examples that are set for you.

It's necessary to celebrate victory,

but don't stop trying.

Because it's the trying that makes you who you are,

and it's your truest self.

Even though life and living has never been this good before,

take this opportunity to level up and dream bigger then you ever have.

Set goals with a little more confidence that you will achieve them.

You're life is meant to be lived like this,

and even though you fight to be understood,

you have to accept that it may just be this way for you,

and its okay if people can't understand that.

It's those that reach a little further outside the box that achieve unexpected results.

It all matters,

and please don't forget to love. 

I've been down, I've been out 
I did it all on my own 
Seems growing up 
Didn't take long 
I feel strange, I feel good 
I feel better with you 
You've changed, you should 
Cause I think I did too 

Made my mistakes 
I did a few things right 
But it will take what it will take 
Baby, that's life 
You cannot change what you do not own 
Everybody knows 
But if you live deep and love strong 
You get pretty damn close 

It moves fast and it scares me 
I close my eyes, oh but I still see 

I'm fading in and out 
What are you supposed to do save me know 
From all of this danger you don't know how 
And I'll find my way out 
When I'm in the red 

"Images of broken light, which Dance before me like a million eyes, They call me on and on across the universe."

REFLECTIONS FROM FIVE YEARS AGO...

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And auld lang syne.

Wouldn't it be nice if we were older

Then we wouldn't have to wait so long

And wouldn't it be nice to live together

In the kind of world where we belong

You know its gonna make it that much better

When we can say goodnight and stay together

I may not always love you

But long as there are stars above you

You never need to doubt it

I'll make you so sure about it

God only knows what I'd be without you

If you should ever leave me

Though life would still go on believe me

So I guess the benefit of having an unconventional New Years is some quiet time to reflect back on years past.

I can never express enough how fluid life is...it's absolutely amazing how things shift.

Nothing ever happens the way you think it will,

but things always follow the perfect plan of how it's supposed to.

What a wild and crazy ride I've had.

Truly thankful for each day I wake up and get to experience one more moment of this wonderful life.

I will continually express gratitude for life and how happy I am it has been the way it's been.

When I look back even five years ago,

I'm speechless at how much things have changed.

I've set goals and met them,

I've transformed to a person I don't even recognize.

I'm the best version of myself today then I've ever been before.

What I've worked so hard to be,

by throwing caution to the wind,

taking risks,

stepping outside my comfort zone,

remaining patient,

living bravely,

practicing love,

appreciating beauty...

These things have sincerely taught me so much about myself and my world I didn't even know I needed to learn,

and ultimately has changed my life forever.

2010.

I decided I wanted to take some risks.

Post college graduate and so lost.

Struggled through figuring out my place in the world,

and couldn't fight the urge to flee and explore.

Fighting to become an individual.

Such a baby,

brand new to independence and responsibility.

Immature simply because I thought I knew EVERYTHING.

Surprised to find out what the real world looked like.

Set goals with the idea that things would go exactly how I planned them.

Unprepared for surprise disappointments,

uncertain of how to be.

But so desperate to try.

Unrealistic in all expectations,

but naively hopeful.

2011.

NYC-the city where I found myself.

The life changing experience that pushed me to my absolute limits.

A true introspective year,

examining the inner parts of the person I was and how I became this way.

New places, new people, new friends.

Lots of travel and adventure.

Lots and lots of loneliness.

This year was filled with solitude.

Which was both necessary and almost irreparably traumatic.

But important to gain life experience,

and to learn to take responsibility for success and failures.

I grew up a lot that year.

I realized how to process emotions,

I learned how to live day to day,

gave up some control,

allowed myself to be a student of life and to fall in love with my surroundings.

2012.

Three moves, three different states.

Lots of change.

I spent a lot of this year practicing being the new version of myself,

created from the concrete jungle.

Struggling to adapt to rapid changes,

learning how to plan and strategize about next steps,

while remaining flexible and optimistic.

I found my way home again,

reintroduced myself to the familiar,

while staying true to the process of transforming.

Kept moving forward.

Missed my city to an unimaginable degree.

Set my eyes westward.

2013.

This was the year I started having to sit on my hands.

I learned how to re-establish myself while building relationships.

The solitude of my past years truly began to fade,

I made new friendships.

Lasting friendships.

I held a job longer than I ever had before.

I built a home for myself.

I grew into an adult.

I learned once again...I can't control how life happens.

I started building.

I hadn't ever started building,

because I had never stayed.

I decided to stay.

I re-evaluated a future.

I confirmed priorities.

I tried to practice love and observe beauty,

even in a familiar and unchanging setting.

2014.

I took ownership of my life in this year.

I returned to my city and found closure I desperately needed.

I allowed my soul to open up and listen,

and felt the call to be west,

and felt the urge to be near the ocean.

I fell in love,

I had a broken heart.

But I felt like a true participant of life.

No longer an observer,

still tried to love and practice understanding.

Solidified friendships that will last a lifetime.

Truly felt whole for the first time,

Realized that I have strengths,

and to not be using them to grow professionally was a waste.

A year where I learned to live alone,

earnestly built a home in the first place I could call mine and only mine.

I played hard,

focused a lot on having a relationship,

and building others.

Appreciated my friends and family.

Grew a determination and decided that even though life was grand,

it was time to move on.

2015.

This year...

Which is 38 minutes from being over...

has been the best year of my life.

I left the middle, but kept all things that made it special.

I watched my best friends get married...

I got a tattoo, which was long overdue...

I spent time with my family,

I spend time with other families,

I gave the midwest a proper goodbye.

I took the best version of myself...

the patient, brave, practical, well traveled, ambitious, hardworking, flexible, hopefully optimistic, wanderlust filled confident version of myself

and hit the road.

I put distance between myself and the past,

and arrived in the golden state.

Finally.

The largest accomplishment of my meager life,

my biggest dream,

the ultimate goal, 

where it all began.

I finally made it West.

And I introduced the best version I've ever been,

to the best place I've ever been.

I've solidified old relationships,

built new ones,

acquired new skills,

maintained sanity,

maintained patience.

Remained open minded,

experienced newness,

revisited old familiarities.

Shared some new experiences, kept others to myself.

I found a balance to life I knew existed but never new how to obtain.

I forgave old wounds,

and healed a broken heart.

I watched so many ocean sunsets.

I'm prepared for the unexpected and I welcome surprise disappointments as opportunities for character building.

I remain open to love and having love.

I remain hopeful for new adventures and I keep a gratitude for every moment.

Life can change in an instant and we must live each moment as if it matters the most.

This has been a year that has showed me that life can be lived in a way I never knew it could be.

I have never done living this good,

this easy.

I know that goals can be met, not matter how large.

I know that things can take time and people can truly change.

I know that I can change.

I know I'm not the same as five years ago,

and in five years I won't be the same as I am now.

But I know I will never stop trying to soak up all the experience and adventure I can.

I know that my dreams are valid and no matter what people think,

it's about how bad you want something,

and anything is possible.

Worrying doesn't help,

just letting life happen organically is the best way to live.

Work on the little things and as they improve the bigger things will start shifting into place.

Relationships can be tricky,

but sometimes it's worth the risk of heart break to enjoy the fall,

and give back what you get.

People who are meant to reappear will.

Let things go,

holding on to baggage will just keep you from truly feeling free.

I cannot express enough gratitude for everyone and everything that has brought me to where I am.

Not just for the life lessons in 2015, but in all the previous years since I began this journey.

It has not been easy,

and each year brings new challenges,

but learning how to fight for something will reveal a lot about how much you actually want it.

And I wanted this...

So as 2016 approaches,

let me remind you-

Appreciate beauty in all things-small or large.

Sometimes you have to slow down and look around to see it,

but beauty is everywhere,

its one of life's greatest gifts.

Living a life where you are both patience and brave,

where you keep pushing yourself out of your comfort zone,

and where you work on transforming into a better version

will be a catalyst for living a better life.

Practicing love, even when you don't get it back,

even when you are afraid of heartbreak,

is so important.

The key to understanding love starts with loving yourself,

be your best advocate,

take care of yourself and you will be able to take care of others.

Never say never, never say always,

remain hopeful and stay open minded.

You will not believe the experiences you will have if you live this way.

And of course,

keep trying to be a better version of yourself today then you were tomorrow,

everyone is a work in progress,

There is beauty in simply surviving the trials of life.

Never forget that.

“I believed in a good home, in sane and sound living, in good food, good times, work, faith and hope. I have always believed in these things. It was with some amazement that I realized I was one of the few people in the world who really believed in these things without going around making a dull middle class philosophy out of it. I was suddenly left with nothing in my hands but a handful of crazy stars.” 

-Jack Kerouac

"You can't call it an adventure unless it's tinged with danger. The greatest danger in life, though, is not taking the adventure at all. To have the objective of a life of ease is death. I think we've all got to go after our own Everest."

Put us back together

You said, it's forever

But I know you're pretending

I don't care, I'd let you take it

All again

And I just wanna love you

Don't wanna lose me

Don't wanna lose you

C. Perri

NYC

I reach for you

But you were gone

I knew I had to go back home

You searched the world for something else

To make you feel like what we had

And in the end in wonderland we both went mad

Oh, we found wonderland

You and I got lost in it

And we pretended it could last forever

T. Swift

BOSTON

“There are stars in the night sky that look brighter than the others, and when you look at them through a telescope you realize you are looking at twins. The two stars rotate around each other, sometimes taking nearly a hundred years to do it. They create so much gravitational pull there's no room around for anything else. You might see a blue star, for example, and realize only later that it has a white dwarf as a companion - that first one shines so bright, by the time you notice the second one, it's too late.” 
― Jodi Picoult, My Sister's Keeper

CHICAGO

Hands, put your empty hands in mine
And scars, show me all the scars you hide
And hey, if your wings are broken
Please take mine so yours can open too
'Cause I'm gonna stand by you
Oh, tears make kaleidoscopes in your eyes
And hurt, I know you're hurting, but so am I
And love, if your wings are broken
Borrow mine so yours can open too
'Cause I'm gonna stand by you

R. Platten

SAN FRANCISCO

"Even if we can't find heaven, I'll walk through hell with you
Love, you're not alone, 'cause I'm gonna stand by you."

It's funny how life shifts around sometimes,'

doesn't it always feel like we are on a tilted scale.

Just as one thing is lost and the scale begins to tip,

another something comes along to even it all out,

and in a way you're right back where you started.

Balanced.

But nothing is the same as before.

I've been thinking about a lot lately.

And what it all means,

per my usual.

Feeling such an ease about the upcoming transition.

Discovering messages from my past self,

encouraging me to chase dreams and head West.

The biggest check mark on the list so far,

and so meaningful.

Literally it's a dream come true,

and I cannot wait until life is filled with landscapes of ocean sunsets.

All of it feels more like a new beginning then a transition.

Always and forever blessed by the footprints in my wake.

The strongest of bonds created in unexpected time.

The appreciation for people and moments,

even until the very end.

Things will shift and slide around,

my scale will waiver,

but in the end it will all be balanced out exactly as it should be.

Grateful for new inspiration that has come along.

Been clinging helplessly to old inspiration,

and it was damaging in a way,

but hard to let it all fall away as it should.

Maybe it will come back around again.

Like I've said before,

those in your past that are meant to stay in your life,

will reappear in your future.

I will show respect for the light that guided me along,

but celebrate the new opportunity to build inspiration,

endlessly grateful.

You came along at exactly the right time.

But isn't that the way it's been for a while now.

Remaining open and honest,

living hard and living for the present,

even when each day changes like the weather,

stormy sometimes,

clear and bright at other times.

I've found more and more pieces are being added,

and the bigger picture,

for now,

is finally coherent and apparent.

Everyone is hitting milestones.

Celebrations of love and life have scattered my past years,

and I wouldn't have wanted to miss any of it.

But my path goes a different way,

and now I celebrate my milestone,

of wandering and adventure.

The things I've always dreamed about since I was little.

Forcing the normal life goals into the backseat,

remaining focused on the open road.

I hope most that this adventure yields clarity and understanding.

I hope that I can remain as hopeful and brave as i forage through new territories.

I hope that I can continue to appreciate others,

and build new relationships

and build new consistencies.

Life is the greatest adventure,

and its meant to be lived fearlessly, honestly, and entirely.

Never forget that we are meant to be here,

and fight to leave the legacy behind.

I can't help but to know that sometime great lies just head,

and I will push onward,

appreciating every beautiful moment that brings me toward it,

whether big or small.

I will speak up and say the things I need to say,

and I will grow in my understanding and tolerance of others.

Because people are a beautiful blessing,

even when it seems bleak,

human connected-ness is the underlying force.

I never thought i'd know so many different people,

and each one leaving something for me to ponder.

Absorbing other ways of living,

growing through other ways of thinking.

I'm thankful for everyone that has contributed to the transformation.

I know that however things all fall into place,

whether predictable or surprising,

I'm at peace with the process.

Things that seem easy now,

will unravel quickly and morph into the unexpected,

but I can weather the storm.

What I've come out of has only taught me to persevere,

to never say never,

to never say always,

to give second chances,

to explore outside my comfort zone,

and to turn every regret into a teachable moment.

I'm indebted to the EAST,

I'm grateful for the MIDDLE,

and I'm passionate about the WEST.

It's a beautiful thing to live this way,

and even with the sadness of all the leaving,

there's a comfort in all the new beginnings.

Don't feel like you are lost to me,

but rather know that now it must be the way it is,

and I have to continue to transform into a better version of self,

and that part of a new beginning is wiping the slate clean.

The easy way is not always the right way,

and sometimes out of the greatest struggles

emerges a great character development opportunity.

So I will strive to seek the beauty in the moment,

continue to live with a passion for adventure,

always take the opportunities presented too me,

maintain important relationships,

and hope we will meet again the future.

Because we might only get one shot at this life,

and I don't want to waste a minute.

Good-byes and hellos will be spoken,

and it's all clear with time and perspective.

So always remember the importance of dream chasing,

even when it seems impossibly grand,

it's possible,

and worth the chance, because you just never know.

But be ready always to shift direction,

and remain an observer of the bigger picture,

and live with integrity.

Welcome change, but navigate wisely.

Don't ever give up because it's too hard.

Love hard,

transform constantly,

never settle.

Show respect for the process,

move forward bravely.

Struggle through the complicated parts,

because you know...

a beautiful strength is found in simply surviving the trials of life.