"Images of broken light, which Dance before me like a million eyes, They call me on and on across the universe."

REFLECTIONS FROM FIVE YEARS AGO...

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And auld lang syne.

Wouldn't it be nice if we were older

Then we wouldn't have to wait so long

And wouldn't it be nice to live together

In the kind of world where we belong

You know its gonna make it that much better

When we can say goodnight and stay together

I may not always love you

But long as there are stars above you

You never need to doubt it

I'll make you so sure about it

God only knows what I'd be without you

If you should ever leave me

Though life would still go on believe me

So I guess the benefit of having an unconventional New Years is some quiet time to reflect back on years past.

I can never express enough how fluid life is...it's absolutely amazing how things shift.

Nothing ever happens the way you think it will,

but things always follow the perfect plan of how it's supposed to.

What a wild and crazy ride I've had.

Truly thankful for each day I wake up and get to experience one more moment of this wonderful life.

I will continually express gratitude for life and how happy I am it has been the way it's been.

When I look back even five years ago,

I'm speechless at how much things have changed.

I've set goals and met them,

I've transformed to a person I don't even recognize.

I'm the best version of myself today then I've ever been before.

What I've worked so hard to be,

by throwing caution to the wind,

taking risks,

stepping outside my comfort zone,

remaining patient,

living bravely,

practicing love,

appreciating beauty...

These things have sincerely taught me so much about myself and my world I didn't even know I needed to learn,

and ultimately has changed my life forever.

2010.

I decided I wanted to take some risks.

Post college graduate and so lost.

Struggled through figuring out my place in the world,

and couldn't fight the urge to flee and explore.

Fighting to become an individual.

Such a baby,

brand new to independence and responsibility.

Immature simply because I thought I knew EVERYTHING.

Surprised to find out what the real world looked like.

Set goals with the idea that things would go exactly how I planned them.

Unprepared for surprise disappointments,

uncertain of how to be.

But so desperate to try.

Unrealistic in all expectations,

but naively hopeful.

2011.

NYC-the city where I found myself.

The life changing experience that pushed me to my absolute limits.

A true introspective year,

examining the inner parts of the person I was and how I became this way.

New places, new people, new friends.

Lots of travel and adventure.

Lots and lots of loneliness.

This year was filled with solitude.

Which was both necessary and almost irreparably traumatic.

But important to gain life experience,

and to learn to take responsibility for success and failures.

I grew up a lot that year.

I realized how to process emotions,

I learned how to live day to day,

gave up some control,

allowed myself to be a student of life and to fall in love with my surroundings.

2012.

Three moves, three different states.

Lots of change.

I spent a lot of this year practicing being the new version of myself,

created from the concrete jungle.

Struggling to adapt to rapid changes,

learning how to plan and strategize about next steps,

while remaining flexible and optimistic.

I found my way home again,

reintroduced myself to the familiar,

while staying true to the process of transforming.

Kept moving forward.

Missed my city to an unimaginable degree.

Set my eyes westward.

2013.

This was the year I started having to sit on my hands.

I learned how to re-establish myself while building relationships.

The solitude of my past years truly began to fade,

I made new friendships.

Lasting friendships.

I held a job longer than I ever had before.

I built a home for myself.

I grew into an adult.

I learned once again...I can't control how life happens.

I started building.

I hadn't ever started building,

because I had never stayed.

I decided to stay.

I re-evaluated a future.

I confirmed priorities.

I tried to practice love and observe beauty,

even in a familiar and unchanging setting.

2014.

I took ownership of my life in this year.

I returned to my city and found closure I desperately needed.

I allowed my soul to open up and listen,

and felt the call to be west,

and felt the urge to be near the ocean.

I fell in love,

I had a broken heart.

But I felt like a true participant of life.

No longer an observer,

still tried to love and practice understanding.

Solidified friendships that will last a lifetime.

Truly felt whole for the first time,

Realized that I have strengths,

and to not be using them to grow professionally was a waste.

A year where I learned to live alone,

earnestly built a home in the first place I could call mine and only mine.

I played hard,

focused a lot on having a relationship,

and building others.

Appreciated my friends and family.

Grew a determination and decided that even though life was grand,

it was time to move on.

2015.

This year...

Which is 38 minutes from being over...

has been the best year of my life.

I left the middle, but kept all things that made it special.

I watched my best friends get married...

I got a tattoo, which was long overdue...

I spent time with my family,

I spend time with other families,

I gave the midwest a proper goodbye.

I took the best version of myself...

the patient, brave, practical, well traveled, ambitious, hardworking, flexible, hopefully optimistic, wanderlust filled confident version of myself

and hit the road.

I put distance between myself and the past,

and arrived in the golden state.

Finally.

The largest accomplishment of my meager life,

my biggest dream,

the ultimate goal, 

where it all began.

I finally made it West.

And I introduced the best version I've ever been,

to the best place I've ever been.

I've solidified old relationships,

built new ones,

acquired new skills,

maintained sanity,

maintained patience.

Remained open minded,

experienced newness,

revisited old familiarities.

Shared some new experiences, kept others to myself.

I found a balance to life I knew existed but never new how to obtain.

I forgave old wounds,

and healed a broken heart.

I watched so many ocean sunsets.

I'm prepared for the unexpected and I welcome surprise disappointments as opportunities for character building.

I remain open to love and having love.

I remain hopeful for new adventures and I keep a gratitude for every moment.

Life can change in an instant and we must live each moment as if it matters the most.

This has been a year that has showed me that life can be lived in a way I never knew it could be.

I have never done living this good,

this easy.

I know that goals can be met, not matter how large.

I know that things can take time and people can truly change.

I know that I can change.

I know I'm not the same as five years ago,

and in five years I won't be the same as I am now.

But I know I will never stop trying to soak up all the experience and adventure I can.

I know that my dreams are valid and no matter what people think,

it's about how bad you want something,

and anything is possible.

Worrying doesn't help,

just letting life happen organically is the best way to live.

Work on the little things and as they improve the bigger things will start shifting into place.

Relationships can be tricky,

but sometimes it's worth the risk of heart break to enjoy the fall,

and give back what you get.

People who are meant to reappear will.

Let things go,

holding on to baggage will just keep you from truly feeling free.

I cannot express enough gratitude for everyone and everything that has brought me to where I am.

Not just for the life lessons in 2015, but in all the previous years since I began this journey.

It has not been easy,

and each year brings new challenges,

but learning how to fight for something will reveal a lot about how much you actually want it.

And I wanted this...

So as 2016 approaches,

let me remind you-

Appreciate beauty in all things-small or large.

Sometimes you have to slow down and look around to see it,

but beauty is everywhere,

its one of life's greatest gifts.

Living a life where you are both patience and brave,

where you keep pushing yourself out of your comfort zone,

and where you work on transforming into a better version

will be a catalyst for living a better life.

Practicing love, even when you don't get it back,

even when you are afraid of heartbreak,

is so important.

The key to understanding love starts with loving yourself,

be your best advocate,

take care of yourself and you will be able to take care of others.

Never say never, never say always,

remain hopeful and stay open minded.

You will not believe the experiences you will have if you live this way.

And of course,

keep trying to be a better version of yourself today then you were tomorrow,

everyone is a work in progress,

There is beauty in simply surviving the trials of life.

Never forget that.

“I believed in a good home, in sane and sound living, in good food, good times, work, faith and hope. I have always believed in these things. It was with some amazement that I realized I was one of the few people in the world who really believed in these things without going around making a dull middle class philosophy out of it. I was suddenly left with nothing in my hands but a handful of crazy stars.” 

-Jack Kerouac

“Our love has been the thread through the labyrinth, the net under the high-wire walker, the only real thing in this strange life of mine that I could ever trust.” ― Audrey Niffenegger, The Time Traveler's Wife

“Patience, he thought. So much of this was patience - waiting, and thinking and doing things right. So much of all this, so much of all living was patience and thinking.”  -G. Paulsen

Two birds on a wire

One tries to fly away

And the other watches him close from that wire

He says he wants to as well

But he is a liar

I'll believe it all

There's nothing I won't understand

I'll believe it all

I won't let go of your hand

Regina Spektor

If we make it out alive, from the depths of the seas

Compass points you anywhere

Closer to me

Where you are, I will be

Miles high, in the deep

Where you are, I will be

Anywhere, in between

Compass.

It's not easy to know

I'm not anything like I used to be

Although it's true

I was never attention's sweet center

I still remember that girl

She's imperfect but she tries

She is good but she lies

She is hard on herself

She is broken and won't ask for help

She is messy but she's kind

She is lonely most of the time

She is all of this mixed up

And baked in a beautiful pie

She is gone but she used to be mine

Sara Bareilles

A long time ago,

back when this all began...

I had a weird moment in time where I actually thought I might be close to the end.

Simply because a string of long lost voices from the past began to reappear in regular intervals.

Which I found to be too strange to be coincidental,

and all in all was rather unsettled by these ghosts reappearing.

I didn't know then that it was a sign of sorts.

Not necessarily of impending doom,

but rather a rebirth of such,

and the beginning of a strange and weird and wonderful transformation.

And tonight,

many years later as I lay here reflecting on life

and it's strange familiarity,

this memory appears out of the quiet,

reminding me of how confusing it all was in the beginning,

and reminding me of how far I have come.

And secondly,

I also wonder if this is how it is for other people all the time.

To exist in a world that paces normally,

and to maintain a habitat that feels natural and honest.

To live without wanting to be somewhere else,

to feel a sense of peacefulness and belonging,

and to wake up every day knowing you're exactly where you're supposed to be.

And the things you do just feel normal,

and all is as it should be,

and it feels like it was always this way.

Maybe it is this way for other people,

would you believe me if I said it's never been this way before?

The East felt so differently it almost impossible to compare.

The sense of conquering and surviving,

each moment essential to the other.

Creating a future,

stringing together experiences to form a coherent life...

Here is less frantic, less desperate.

I just wake up and exist.

No part of me needs to prove myself to myself,

and I don't imagine a world of what could have been.

I think in a way none of this is surprising.

I never thought I wouldn't be in the West.

Yes, it took many more years then I would have liked,

but life had lessons to teach me before it set me free.

And I would never ever trade my experiences in the East,

or discount the family I created in the middle.

But people hope that their life turns out a certain way,

and maybe I just always know it would.

I hoped for time in the East,

I hoped for adventures,

 I hoped for experiences...

But this-where I am right now,

I just waited for this to come along,

as patiently as I could possibly muster.

Quietly planning and growing in confidence,

waiting for the right time to take the leap.

I never once doubted that it would be this way eventually.

And now,

a strange anti-climatic end to the long wait.

But I am happier,

truly purely happy.

And this is not to say I haven't been happy before,

but this feels differently, in a way I can't exactly explain right now.

And I only saw one other scenario,

and it was a different path with different obstacles,

and a different ending to this same story.

And while the alternate endings play out deep in my subconscious,

I know that dreams are just that....dreams.

I don't regret this,

because I don't believe in regret.

Redirection is simply an adjustment of expectation.

When life give you lemons...right?

But really you can only control so much,

and the rest you have to count as faith that life will be the right way.

And that expectations just limit dreams,

and fear of the unknown is not an excuse to be complacent.

I want you to know that deep in my soul you remain a part of an alternate future.

And I don't discount the time we shared,

and I have hopefulness we will meet again in the future.

But for now,

I'll let you find me in my dreams and remain a distant fantasy.

Because I'm here now,

and this is the most right thing I have ever done in my whole life.

There's no other scenario that would have brought me here and kept you with me too.

I hope you continue along the way you are going.

And I hope from time to time you think of me too.

You know what I know 

and all along we were too similar to ever be compatible.

But the fierceness for following your passion,

was the characteristic I found the most attractive.

To watch you redirect your dream from what seemed like a perfectly crafted future,

to something else that you had to build from the beginning.

I don't know if you are missing what I'm missing,

and I guess in the end it doesn't matter,

as long as you are happy.

If you love something you let it go,

and maybe,

if it's meant to be,

it will come back.

I wish you could know the perfection I have found.

To live in the middle of a bustling city,

decorated in urban landscapes like I've never seen.

But also to look up and see a sky full of stars,

more stars then I have ever seen in my life,

and to hear the quiet sounds of the ocean at night.

To never see my breath in the winter,

to gape in awe at sunset after sunset,

dipping into the endless Pacific.

To be once again in a place where life is really happening around me,

and people bring a sense of diversity and intelligence that continues to teach and surprise me.

I really couldn't have made this happen in this way,

because it's too perfect a scenario to take complete credit for.

But I do know that following your dreams pays off in ways you can't imagine.

Staying true to yourself and fighting the temptation to lean on others,

to saying yes to opportunities that scare the hell out of you,

to being brave and always pushing forward,

never losing momentum.

I wonder if this is how it was for you...

I hope so.

I know I have said this before,

but I will continue to say it again and again.

If only as a reminder to myself and any others who endure my long ramblings.

But I am endlessly thankful for all my blessing.

This life,

oh this life...

what is this life?

I could not be more grateful for each and every moment.

I know it did not begin this way.

I know it was a long long time of trying,

trying and trying, 

and sometimes failing.

Redirection and constant change,

following my compass in every direction until I found this place I call home.

Yes, the East will always hold a gigantic peace of me,

but I know truly that the West is my home.

Each and every sunset reminds me of the majestic finish to a day,

whatever type of day...plain and ordinary, or something else.

And I can't imagine life without that,

and I'm as addicted to it as I'll ever be to anything.

After so much turmoil,

and hoping,

and planning,

and stressing,

and wondering,

and waiting...

I have an indescribable peacefulness,

that overwhelms any other emotion,

at least for now.

So please do think of me from time to time,

don't forget about the long conversations we shared.

But don't worry that it was supposed to happen a different way.

Because know I am where I am and you are where you are,

and this was how it was always to end.

With a wistful hopefulness that our paths may cross in the future.

You taught me about a side of myself I never knew existed,

and you have my deepest gratitude.

I will always have a place for you,

and  you'll find your way into my thoughts during the quietest moments.

But understand why I could not trade anything to change this future.

Understand that this was inevitable as the sun rises.

I might not understand everything,

but this is one thing I am quite certain of.

We walk in separate directions and never again glance backwards.

Anyways,

I hope you remember that it all matters.

Keep the motivation alive,

keep striving towards your goals,

never lose that.

Patience, although hard at times to obtain,

is important in gaining perspectives,

as I've said before.

Don't forget to practice love always,

even though I wish you were here with me instead,

it's important to keep an open heart.

And enjoy the beauty that surrounds this world.

Every day is a gift,

and life is shorter then we hope for.

Attitude is a choice,

so choose to be optimistic and attentive.

Live with integrity,

because people will admire and respect you for it.

Appreciate the little things in your life,

because you never know when the last time will be the last time.

You'll find that if you live this way,

you'll see a profound change,

and just believe me when I say,

it's the sweetest feeling you'll ever experience,

and it's all completely worth it.

I want this for you,

because once you realize your dreams,

and everything comes into focus,

you'll know this feeling that I have.

and even though we are miles apart,

 you will understand why these choices were so important for me to make.

Cause after all,

when you get to the core of everything,

we are all just trying to be a little more understood.

“The best love is the kind that weakens the soul, that makes us reach for more. That plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds.” 

"It started out as a feeling, Which then grew into a hope - Which then turned into a quiet thought- Which then turned into a quiet word- And then that word grew louder and louder... 'Til it was a battle cry. I'll come back when you call me, No need to say goodbye..."

“I was surprised, as always, be how easy the act of leaving was, and how good it felt. The world was suddenly rich with possibility.” 

― Jack Kerouac, On the Road

“It made me think that everything was about to arrive - the moment when you know all and everything is decided forever.” 

― Jack Kerouac, On the Road

The most important thing in my life, and the thing I try to focus on, is to try not to live a life of cruelty. That means trying to make sure I look people in the eye when I meet them. Sometimes you jump in a taxi, or maybe you only have two minutes with someone, and you never see them again. I try to always look them in the eye and have a real experience of what it is to communicate with someone...I guess it's about trying to live a life where I'm not contributing to the cruelty in the world....While I am on this planet, I want everyone I meet to know that I am grateful they are here.

Jessica. Chastain.

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget
Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
'Til they're before your eyes
You'll come back when they call you
No need to say goodbye

Regina Spektor

We wear our scarves just like a noose
But not 'cause we want eternal sleep
And though our parts are slightly used
New ones are slave labor you can keep

We're living in a den of thieves
Rummaging for answers in the pages
We're living in a den of thieves
And it's contagious

Regina Spektor

There is a gentle peacefulness in getting to where you hoped to be.

To have things fall into place the exact way you wanted them to fall together,

and to be in an easy satisfaction,
the type that is embedded deeply in the inner parts of your soul.

Its interesting,

to put so much energy and thought and hopefulness into a goal,

and then to actually cross the finish line.

Now I'm looking back on it all,

grateful to have reached this point.

And there is a certain emptiness in what remains.

But not a desperate emptiness,

a void of despair..

but rather a pool of calm.

Self-actualized platform,

standing on the peak of the metaphorical mountain,

sailing out to sea into the sunset,

coming home after a long holiday...

It makes me ponder what is next.

Not as urgent to fill-in-the-blanks,

but not forgetting to savor any of the moments of the present.

Who knows...

I never expected the ending of something to really turn out to be the beginning of something else.

A long road traveled,

many miles in the rear-view mirror,

so much leaving,

all in the name of heading West.

In a way its every bit as magical and satisfactory as I hoped it to be.
Washing over me, waves of soothing peacefulness.

Different then the East.

The concrete jungle was so easily accepting of who I was in the moment,

and so accommodating of the person I was struggling to be.

The East allowed me to fall into the steady discomfort of figuring out who I was...
and it protected me as I fought the daily grind.
And revealed the things I needed to know at the pace I needed to discover them.

I am endlessly grateful for that experience.
Because it has brought me to this place.

The West has proven to show me a different type of satisfaction.

In a way,
being here has been validating of the person I have become.

It's allowed me to create my world instead of participate in it.
Freedom and liberation from a lost self,

and I ca move about it in the purest fashion.

No longer the threat of looming transition,

but a quiet whisper of,

"stay for a while, this is where you're supposed to be."

I now find myself waiting on the future,

instead of forcing myself to conjure it.
"It won't be like this for long" mentality has gone away.
Because I know I have finally arrived.

And it's causing time to flow as organically as I have ever experienced it.

Days filled with sunshine and ocean,

and city lights...

the most therapeutic landscapes for a wandering gypsy like myself.

I can't help but think about a future nowadays,

which I have never allowed myself to dream of before.

Permanence and contentment are foreign travelers in my new world.

I welcome these visitors but stand awkwardly watching them from a distance,

the act as strangers I hope to gain trust from.

For someone who has naturally lived in a past,

it's flipping my world upside down to be coaxed into a future.

But as days pass,

and months pass,

years will also begin to slip away.

And whatever was once, has already become tiny specks of my history.

The strange feeling that nothing has ever existed before,

except for this.

I hope its the same for you,

when you get where you going.

You remember everything that brought you to where you are.

And every moment that seems stretched out and pointless,

has a clear meaning and purpose to your current existence.

And at some point you reach the understanding that it always had to be this way.

And the choices you made along the way were signs pointing you down this path.

And you remain brave as you navigate the unknown landscapes that decorate your world.

Remember that bravery is not the absence of fear,

but the creating of opportunity and experience amidst the things you are afraid of.

Don't worry,

loneliness is an expected side affect of transition.

Use it to examine yourself and work on creating a better version of self.

Be nicer to yourself too,

because you'll find that you're the only one truly in your corner,

and you're stuck with yourself,

so be your own best friend,

and resist the urge to be your worst enemy.

Do you know what I mean?

Life is this unbelievable opportunity,

and while it is not always easy,

it's a gift to be cherished.

I am unspeakably grateful to have been in the places I have been,

and seen the things I have seen,

and experienced the people I have met along the way.

For me,

it has been,

and will always be,
 this constant evolution of self.

Trying to live as the best version as possible at the point I'm at...

Patience will always be something I struggle with,

and I'm constantly needing to remind myself to slow down a little bit,

and also observe the natural beauty of my surroundings.

But I will never run in the opposite direction when faced with newness,
and I will continue to seize the day.
And treat each new day that passes as a brand new start.
And I accept the fact that I will always need change to fuel and to motivate and to inspire.
Because someone people are just this way.

And love.

The great and omnipotent force.

I will never truly understand love,

but I'm okay with this,

because I know it's as necessary as oxygen to maintain living.

To really and truly be alive is to have love.

Its the essence of every single thing,

and it's undeniable.

Its everywhere all the time,

and it's so important to practice love as often as you can.

Because love creates a beautiful selflessness...

And in order to be the best version,

I know love will be a building block,
held at the very core of who I am,

and I want create a genuine integrity,

and I want to find a connections with the people and things that surround me.

And in order to do this,

I must start with love.

Just remember,

even though it might be overwhelming right now...

it all matters,

and it will all fall into place soon.