"Images of broken light, which Dance before me like a million eyes, They call me on and on across the universe."

REFLECTIONS FROM FIVE YEARS AGO...

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And auld lang syne.

Wouldn't it be nice if we were older

Then we wouldn't have to wait so long

And wouldn't it be nice to live together

In the kind of world where we belong

You know its gonna make it that much better

When we can say goodnight and stay together

I may not always love you

But long as there are stars above you

You never need to doubt it

I'll make you so sure about it

God only knows what I'd be without you

If you should ever leave me

Though life would still go on believe me

So I guess the benefit of having an unconventional New Years is some quiet time to reflect back on years past.

I can never express enough how fluid life is...it's absolutely amazing how things shift.

Nothing ever happens the way you think it will,

but things always follow the perfect plan of how it's supposed to.

What a wild and crazy ride I've had.

Truly thankful for each day I wake up and get to experience one more moment of this wonderful life.

I will continually express gratitude for life and how happy I am it has been the way it's been.

When I look back even five years ago,

I'm speechless at how much things have changed.

I've set goals and met them,

I've transformed to a person I don't even recognize.

I'm the best version of myself today then I've ever been before.

What I've worked so hard to be,

by throwing caution to the wind,

taking risks,

stepping outside my comfort zone,

remaining patient,

living bravely,

practicing love,

appreciating beauty...

These things have sincerely taught me so much about myself and my world I didn't even know I needed to learn,

and ultimately has changed my life forever.

2010.

I decided I wanted to take some risks.

Post college graduate and so lost.

Struggled through figuring out my place in the world,

and couldn't fight the urge to flee and explore.

Fighting to become an individual.

Such a baby,

brand new to independence and responsibility.

Immature simply because I thought I knew EVERYTHING.

Surprised to find out what the real world looked like.

Set goals with the idea that things would go exactly how I planned them.

Unprepared for surprise disappointments,

uncertain of how to be.

But so desperate to try.

Unrealistic in all expectations,

but naively hopeful.

2011.

NYC-the city where I found myself.

The life changing experience that pushed me to my absolute limits.

A true introspective year,

examining the inner parts of the person I was and how I became this way.

New places, new people, new friends.

Lots of travel and adventure.

Lots and lots of loneliness.

This year was filled with solitude.

Which was both necessary and almost irreparably traumatic.

But important to gain life experience,

and to learn to take responsibility for success and failures.

I grew up a lot that year.

I realized how to process emotions,

I learned how to live day to day,

gave up some control,

allowed myself to be a student of life and to fall in love with my surroundings.

2012.

Three moves, three different states.

Lots of change.

I spent a lot of this year practicing being the new version of myself,

created from the concrete jungle.

Struggling to adapt to rapid changes,

learning how to plan and strategize about next steps,

while remaining flexible and optimistic.

I found my way home again,

reintroduced myself to the familiar,

while staying true to the process of transforming.

Kept moving forward.

Missed my city to an unimaginable degree.

Set my eyes westward.

2013.

This was the year I started having to sit on my hands.

I learned how to re-establish myself while building relationships.

The solitude of my past years truly began to fade,

I made new friendships.

Lasting friendships.

I held a job longer than I ever had before.

I built a home for myself.

I grew into an adult.

I learned once again...I can't control how life happens.

I started building.

I hadn't ever started building,

because I had never stayed.

I decided to stay.

I re-evaluated a future.

I confirmed priorities.

I tried to practice love and observe beauty,

even in a familiar and unchanging setting.

2014.

I took ownership of my life in this year.

I returned to my city and found closure I desperately needed.

I allowed my soul to open up and listen,

and felt the call to be west,

and felt the urge to be near the ocean.

I fell in love,

I had a broken heart.

But I felt like a true participant of life.

No longer an observer,

still tried to love and practice understanding.

Solidified friendships that will last a lifetime.

Truly felt whole for the first time,

Realized that I have strengths,

and to not be using them to grow professionally was a waste.

A year where I learned to live alone,

earnestly built a home in the first place I could call mine and only mine.

I played hard,

focused a lot on having a relationship,

and building others.

Appreciated my friends and family.

Grew a determination and decided that even though life was grand,

it was time to move on.

2015.

This year...

Which is 38 minutes from being over...

has been the best year of my life.

I left the middle, but kept all things that made it special.

I watched my best friends get married...

I got a tattoo, which was long overdue...

I spent time with my family,

I spend time with other families,

I gave the midwest a proper goodbye.

I took the best version of myself...

the patient, brave, practical, well traveled, ambitious, hardworking, flexible, hopefully optimistic, wanderlust filled confident version of myself

and hit the road.

I put distance between myself and the past,

and arrived in the golden state.

Finally.

The largest accomplishment of my meager life,

my biggest dream,

the ultimate goal, 

where it all began.

I finally made it West.

And I introduced the best version I've ever been,

to the best place I've ever been.

I've solidified old relationships,

built new ones,

acquired new skills,

maintained sanity,

maintained patience.

Remained open minded,

experienced newness,

revisited old familiarities.

Shared some new experiences, kept others to myself.

I found a balance to life I knew existed but never new how to obtain.

I forgave old wounds,

and healed a broken heart.

I watched so many ocean sunsets.

I'm prepared for the unexpected and I welcome surprise disappointments as opportunities for character building.

I remain open to love and having love.

I remain hopeful for new adventures and I keep a gratitude for every moment.

Life can change in an instant and we must live each moment as if it matters the most.

This has been a year that has showed me that life can be lived in a way I never knew it could be.

I have never done living this good,

this easy.

I know that goals can be met, not matter how large.

I know that things can take time and people can truly change.

I know that I can change.

I know I'm not the same as five years ago,

and in five years I won't be the same as I am now.

But I know I will never stop trying to soak up all the experience and adventure I can.

I know that my dreams are valid and no matter what people think,

it's about how bad you want something,

and anything is possible.

Worrying doesn't help,

just letting life happen organically is the best way to live.

Work on the little things and as they improve the bigger things will start shifting into place.

Relationships can be tricky,

but sometimes it's worth the risk of heart break to enjoy the fall,

and give back what you get.

People who are meant to reappear will.

Let things go,

holding on to baggage will just keep you from truly feeling free.

I cannot express enough gratitude for everyone and everything that has brought me to where I am.

Not just for the life lessons in 2015, but in all the previous years since I began this journey.

It has not been easy,

and each year brings new challenges,

but learning how to fight for something will reveal a lot about how much you actually want it.

And I wanted this...

So as 2016 approaches,

let me remind you-

Appreciate beauty in all things-small or large.

Sometimes you have to slow down and look around to see it,

but beauty is everywhere,

its one of life's greatest gifts.

Living a life where you are both patience and brave,

where you keep pushing yourself out of your comfort zone,

and where you work on transforming into a better version

will be a catalyst for living a better life.

Practicing love, even when you don't get it back,

even when you are afraid of heartbreak,

is so important.

The key to understanding love starts with loving yourself,

be your best advocate,

take care of yourself and you will be able to take care of others.

Never say never, never say always,

remain hopeful and stay open minded.

You will not believe the experiences you will have if you live this way.

And of course,

keep trying to be a better version of yourself today then you were tomorrow,

everyone is a work in progress,

There is beauty in simply surviving the trials of life.

Never forget that.

“I believed in a good home, in sane and sound living, in good food, good times, work, faith and hope. I have always believed in these things. It was with some amazement that I realized I was one of the few people in the world who really believed in these things without going around making a dull middle class philosophy out of it. I was suddenly left with nothing in my hands but a handful of crazy stars.” 

-Jack Kerouac

"You can't call it an adventure unless it's tinged with danger. The greatest danger in life, though, is not taking the adventure at all. To have the objective of a life of ease is death. I think we've all got to go after our own Everest."

Put us back together

You said, it's forever

But I know you're pretending

I don't care, I'd let you take it

All again

And I just wanna love you

Don't wanna lose me

Don't wanna lose you

C. Perri

NYC

I reach for you

But you were gone

I knew I had to go back home

You searched the world for something else

To make you feel like what we had

And in the end in wonderland we both went mad

Oh, we found wonderland

You and I got lost in it

And we pretended it could last forever

T. Swift

BOSTON

“There are stars in the night sky that look brighter than the others, and when you look at them through a telescope you realize you are looking at twins. The two stars rotate around each other, sometimes taking nearly a hundred years to do it. They create so much gravitational pull there's no room around for anything else. You might see a blue star, for example, and realize only later that it has a white dwarf as a companion - that first one shines so bright, by the time you notice the second one, it's too late.” 
― Jodi Picoult, My Sister's Keeper

CHICAGO

Hands, put your empty hands in mine
And scars, show me all the scars you hide
And hey, if your wings are broken
Please take mine so yours can open too
'Cause I'm gonna stand by you
Oh, tears make kaleidoscopes in your eyes
And hurt, I know you're hurting, but so am I
And love, if your wings are broken
Borrow mine so yours can open too
'Cause I'm gonna stand by you

R. Platten

SAN FRANCISCO

"Even if we can't find heaven, I'll walk through hell with you
Love, you're not alone, 'cause I'm gonna stand by you."

It's funny how life shifts around sometimes,'

doesn't it always feel like we are on a tilted scale.

Just as one thing is lost and the scale begins to tip,

another something comes along to even it all out,

and in a way you're right back where you started.

Balanced.

But nothing is the same as before.

I've been thinking about a lot lately.

And what it all means,

per my usual.

Feeling such an ease about the upcoming transition.

Discovering messages from my past self,

encouraging me to chase dreams and head West.

The biggest check mark on the list so far,

and so meaningful.

Literally it's a dream come true,

and I cannot wait until life is filled with landscapes of ocean sunsets.

All of it feels more like a new beginning then a transition.

Always and forever blessed by the footprints in my wake.

The strongest of bonds created in unexpected time.

The appreciation for people and moments,

even until the very end.

Things will shift and slide around,

my scale will waiver,

but in the end it will all be balanced out exactly as it should be.

Grateful for new inspiration that has come along.

Been clinging helplessly to old inspiration,

and it was damaging in a way,

but hard to let it all fall away as it should.

Maybe it will come back around again.

Like I've said before,

those in your past that are meant to stay in your life,

will reappear in your future.

I will show respect for the light that guided me along,

but celebrate the new opportunity to build inspiration,

endlessly grateful.

You came along at exactly the right time.

But isn't that the way it's been for a while now.

Remaining open and honest,

living hard and living for the present,

even when each day changes like the weather,

stormy sometimes,

clear and bright at other times.

I've found more and more pieces are being added,

and the bigger picture,

for now,

is finally coherent and apparent.

Everyone is hitting milestones.

Celebrations of love and life have scattered my past years,

and I wouldn't have wanted to miss any of it.

But my path goes a different way,

and now I celebrate my milestone,

of wandering and adventure.

The things I've always dreamed about since I was little.

Forcing the normal life goals into the backseat,

remaining focused on the open road.

I hope most that this adventure yields clarity and understanding.

I hope that I can remain as hopeful and brave as i forage through new territories.

I hope that I can continue to appreciate others,

and build new relationships

and build new consistencies.

Life is the greatest adventure,

and its meant to be lived fearlessly, honestly, and entirely.

Never forget that we are meant to be here,

and fight to leave the legacy behind.

I can't help but to know that sometime great lies just head,

and I will push onward,

appreciating every beautiful moment that brings me toward it,

whether big or small.

I will speak up and say the things I need to say,

and I will grow in my understanding and tolerance of others.

Because people are a beautiful blessing,

even when it seems bleak,

human connected-ness is the underlying force.

I never thought i'd know so many different people,

and each one leaving something for me to ponder.

Absorbing other ways of living,

growing through other ways of thinking.

I'm thankful for everyone that has contributed to the transformation.

I know that however things all fall into place,

whether predictable or surprising,

I'm at peace with the process.

Things that seem easy now,

will unravel quickly and morph into the unexpected,

but I can weather the storm.

What I've come out of has only taught me to persevere,

to never say never,

to never say always,

to give second chances,

to explore outside my comfort zone,

and to turn every regret into a teachable moment.

I'm indebted to the EAST,

I'm grateful for the MIDDLE,

and I'm passionate about the WEST.

It's a beautiful thing to live this way,

and even with the sadness of all the leaving,

there's a comfort in all the new beginnings.

Don't feel like you are lost to me,

but rather know that now it must be the way it is,

and I have to continue to transform into a better version of self,

and that part of a new beginning is wiping the slate clean.

The easy way is not always the right way,

and sometimes out of the greatest struggles

emerges a great character development opportunity.

So I will strive to seek the beauty in the moment,

continue to live with a passion for adventure,

always take the opportunities presented too me,

maintain important relationships,

and hope we will meet again the future.

Because we might only get one shot at this life,

and I don't want to waste a minute.

Good-byes and hellos will be spoken,

and it's all clear with time and perspective.

So always remember the importance of dream chasing,

even when it seems impossibly grand,

it's possible,

and worth the chance, because you just never know.

But be ready always to shift direction,

and remain an observer of the bigger picture,

and live with integrity.

Welcome change, but navigate wisely.

Don't ever give up because it's too hard.

Love hard,

transform constantly,

never settle.

Show respect for the process,

move forward bravely.

Struggle through the complicated parts,

because you know...

a beautiful strength is found in simply surviving the trials of life.

"Call me Ishmael. Some years ago — never mind how long precisely — having little or no money in my purse, and nothing particular to interest me on shore, I thought I would sail about a little and see the watery part of the world."

The changes in our life must come from the impossibility to live otherwise than according to the demands of our conscience not from our mental resolution to try a new form of life. - Leo Tolstoy

“He was unheeded, happy, and near to the wild heart of life. He was alone and young and wilful and wildhearted, alone amid a waste of wildair and brackish waters and the seaharvest of shells and tangle and veiled grey sunlight.” 

― Jon Krakauer, Into the Wild

In the morning it comes, heaven sent a hurricane
Not a trace of the sun but I don't even run from rain
Beating out of my chest, my heart is holding on to you
From the moment I knew
From the moment I knew

You are the air in my breath filling up my love soaked lungs
Such a beautiful mess intertwined and overrun
Nothing better than this, oh, and then the storm can come
You feel just like the sun
Just like the sun

"So I punched a hole in the roof. Let the flood carry away all my pictures of you. The water filled my lungs, I screamed so loud but no one heard a thing.” -Taylor Swift

“Cities were always like people, showing their varying personalities to the traveler. Depending on the city and on the traveler, there might begin a mutual love, or dislike, friendship, or enmity. Where one city will rise a certain individual to glory, it will destroy another who is not suited to its personality. Only through travel can we know where we belong or not, where we are loved and where we are rejected.” 
― Roman Payne, Cities & Countries

It's interesting to see how it all looks,

as more and more pieces begin to fall into place.

The moment feels like reaching the top of a roller-coaster,

teetering on the edge just before your stomach leaps into your chest.

Its a pure rush of adrenaline and is over so quickly.

Change sets about undeniable forward motion.

I'm excited for what lies right ahead of me,

within my grasp finally.

The west is the best and my home is the road.

Adventures pave the roads untraveled.

Self-discovery and growth inevitable outcomes to the future.

I can't wait to have the ocean a permanent part of my landscape.

A dream I have hoped for and called upon finally becoming a reality.

But everything has a specific time and place,

and it's all happening as it should.

Using the tools of patience, bravery, hopefulness, and perpetual self-transformation,

I'm creating the life I want the most.

Living fiercely with no regrets,

soaking up all the gifts the universe provides,

endless grateful to the people who have given me opportunities.

I never thought it would be this easy,

and life would have such a fluid motion,

but maybe it's the calm before the storm,

or perhaps it's the calm after it.

The waters have been choppy and change was a natural part of every day...

with consistency came satisfaction and an appreciation for all the little things.

Quiet moments of reflection on the past and present.

Never taking a single thing foregranted in the process.

Because it's all about learning as you go about it.

Having the understanding that nothing happens exactly the way you want,

being ready to change direction in an instant.

Knowing that unexpected surprises can bring good and bad,

but either way it's a chance for character building.

Separately, but of equal importance,

it's a good practice to never leave things unsaid.

The easiest way of self-expression is by speaking up,

and people will never be able to read your thoughts,

and human connectedness is essential to life.

Celebrate relationships that challenge you,

because those are the ones that grow you,

and those people are people that will stand behind you at your weakness,

because they care enough to help you see what's often right in front of our face.

Value those that are here and now,

and know they will reappear in your future if it's meant to be that way.

Love.

I may never really understand love in all it's forms,

but I understand it as it pertains to me.

Love has always been synonymous to sacrifice.

Which others might find a bit odd,

but know that I don't mean it the way it sounds.

When love truly manifests itself,

it will be worth the sacrifice of self.

The path will be widened to walk alongside another.

A pureness not peppered with resentment,

eager compromises.

It will all make sense the way it should.

I don't worry about not finding or having love,

because it's not something that is created from hard work,

or a treasure you find,

or a formula you follow.

Rather love exists all on it's own.

Its something to recognize, appreciate, admire,

but it stands on its own.

I cannot see the future as it lies ahead,

but I do not fear it.

I hope in some way, there is a slight possibility of you.

For now we walk in separate directions,

and you remain a quiet voice of inspiration.

Infrequent but powerful,

reminding me about the importance of love.

A distant afterthought locked away deep in my subconscious.

My heart is my own,

and I have been a keeper of it for such a short time,

I'm still learning how to transform into the most honest version of who I'm meant to be.

But maybe,

once this skill is fined tuned,

and I'm confident that I've traveled through the path I'm meant to journey,

we will meet again,

in a familiar place in a familiar time.

Fireworks and full moons overhead,

and I will allow another to guard the most important thing I have.

There's no one I have met more worthy of this task then you.

But I'm playing by the rules,

and being the most fair I can be.

The timing is just not quite right for the right now.

And I've learned to have patience and hopefulness that the pieces will fall into place as they are meant too.

They always have before.

I don't doubt they will continue to do so,

if I walk the truest journey,

and I continue to practice being a better version of myself.

But I don't think I"ll soon forget about how the winters became the summers,

quiet snowfall replaced with the twinkle of lightening bugs in the night sky.

I lived in the moment with you,

and enjoyed every second,

making the present dominate all thoughts of past and future.

Just as you told me I should.

So realize this,

perfect moments are not so rare,

keep yourself open to all possibilities.

Appreciate yourself in its entirety: mind, body, spirit.

Exercise your heart and build connections with others.

Keep pursuing your dreams,

because when you feel the most lost it might just mean everything is starting to fit together.

This may sound a bit corny,

but you really do create your reality.

Choose to live a life that brings you joy,

does not harm others,

and reach higher for an understanding that leads to self-actualization.

It's such a crazy wild beautiful journey,

and you may only have each opportunity once.

Don't waste a minute of it,

because life and time happens no matter what.

It all matters.

And finally.

Don't forget to love.