"Images of broken light, which Dance before me like a million eyes, They call me on and on across the universe."

REFLECTIONS FROM FIVE YEARS AGO...

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And auld lang syne.

Wouldn't it be nice if we were older

Then we wouldn't have to wait so long

And wouldn't it be nice to live together

In the kind of world where we belong

You know its gonna make it that much better

When we can say goodnight and stay together

I may not always love you

But long as there are stars above you

You never need to doubt it

I'll make you so sure about it

God only knows what I'd be without you

If you should ever leave me

Though life would still go on believe me

So I guess the benefit of having an unconventional New Years is some quiet time to reflect back on years past.

I can never express enough how fluid life is...it's absolutely amazing how things shift.

Nothing ever happens the way you think it will,

but things always follow the perfect plan of how it's supposed to.

What a wild and crazy ride I've had.

Truly thankful for each day I wake up and get to experience one more moment of this wonderful life.

I will continually express gratitude for life and how happy I am it has been the way it's been.

When I look back even five years ago,

I'm speechless at how much things have changed.

I've set goals and met them,

I've transformed to a person I don't even recognize.

I'm the best version of myself today then I've ever been before.

What I've worked so hard to be,

by throwing caution to the wind,

taking risks,

stepping outside my comfort zone,

remaining patient,

living bravely,

practicing love,

appreciating beauty...

These things have sincerely taught me so much about myself and my world I didn't even know I needed to learn,

and ultimately has changed my life forever.

2010.

I decided I wanted to take some risks.

Post college graduate and so lost.

Struggled through figuring out my place in the world,

and couldn't fight the urge to flee and explore.

Fighting to become an individual.

Such a baby,

brand new to independence and responsibility.

Immature simply because I thought I knew EVERYTHING.

Surprised to find out what the real world looked like.

Set goals with the idea that things would go exactly how I planned them.

Unprepared for surprise disappointments,

uncertain of how to be.

But so desperate to try.

Unrealistic in all expectations,

but naively hopeful.

2011.

NYC-the city where I found myself.

The life changing experience that pushed me to my absolute limits.

A true introspective year,

examining the inner parts of the person I was and how I became this way.

New places, new people, new friends.

Lots of travel and adventure.

Lots and lots of loneliness.

This year was filled with solitude.

Which was both necessary and almost irreparably traumatic.

But important to gain life experience,

and to learn to take responsibility for success and failures.

I grew up a lot that year.

I realized how to process emotions,

I learned how to live day to day,

gave up some control,

allowed myself to be a student of life and to fall in love with my surroundings.

2012.

Three moves, three different states.

Lots of change.

I spent a lot of this year practicing being the new version of myself,

created from the concrete jungle.

Struggling to adapt to rapid changes,

learning how to plan and strategize about next steps,

while remaining flexible and optimistic.

I found my way home again,

reintroduced myself to the familiar,

while staying true to the process of transforming.

Kept moving forward.

Missed my city to an unimaginable degree.

Set my eyes westward.

2013.

This was the year I started having to sit on my hands.

I learned how to re-establish myself while building relationships.

The solitude of my past years truly began to fade,

I made new friendships.

Lasting friendships.

I held a job longer than I ever had before.

I built a home for myself.

I grew into an adult.

I learned once again...I can't control how life happens.

I started building.

I hadn't ever started building,

because I had never stayed.

I decided to stay.

I re-evaluated a future.

I confirmed priorities.

I tried to practice love and observe beauty,

even in a familiar and unchanging setting.

2014.

I took ownership of my life in this year.

I returned to my city and found closure I desperately needed.

I allowed my soul to open up and listen,

and felt the call to be west,

and felt the urge to be near the ocean.

I fell in love,

I had a broken heart.

But I felt like a true participant of life.

No longer an observer,

still tried to love and practice understanding.

Solidified friendships that will last a lifetime.

Truly felt whole for the first time,

Realized that I have strengths,

and to not be using them to grow professionally was a waste.

A year where I learned to live alone,

earnestly built a home in the first place I could call mine and only mine.

I played hard,

focused a lot on having a relationship,

and building others.

Appreciated my friends and family.

Grew a determination and decided that even though life was grand,

it was time to move on.

2015.

This year...

Which is 38 minutes from being over...

has been the best year of my life.

I left the middle, but kept all things that made it special.

I watched my best friends get married...

I got a tattoo, which was long overdue...

I spent time with my family,

I spend time with other families,

I gave the midwest a proper goodbye.

I took the best version of myself...

the patient, brave, practical, well traveled, ambitious, hardworking, flexible, hopefully optimistic, wanderlust filled confident version of myself

and hit the road.

I put distance between myself and the past,

and arrived in the golden state.

Finally.

The largest accomplishment of my meager life,

my biggest dream,

the ultimate goal, 

where it all began.

I finally made it West.

And I introduced the best version I've ever been,

to the best place I've ever been.

I've solidified old relationships,

built new ones,

acquired new skills,

maintained sanity,

maintained patience.

Remained open minded,

experienced newness,

revisited old familiarities.

Shared some new experiences, kept others to myself.

I found a balance to life I knew existed but never new how to obtain.

I forgave old wounds,

and healed a broken heart.

I watched so many ocean sunsets.

I'm prepared for the unexpected and I welcome surprise disappointments as opportunities for character building.

I remain open to love and having love.

I remain hopeful for new adventures and I keep a gratitude for every moment.

Life can change in an instant and we must live each moment as if it matters the most.

This has been a year that has showed me that life can be lived in a way I never knew it could be.

I have never done living this good,

this easy.

I know that goals can be met, not matter how large.

I know that things can take time and people can truly change.

I know that I can change.

I know I'm not the same as five years ago,

and in five years I won't be the same as I am now.

But I know I will never stop trying to soak up all the experience and adventure I can.

I know that my dreams are valid and no matter what people think,

it's about how bad you want something,

and anything is possible.

Worrying doesn't help,

just letting life happen organically is the best way to live.

Work on the little things and as they improve the bigger things will start shifting into place.

Relationships can be tricky,

but sometimes it's worth the risk of heart break to enjoy the fall,

and give back what you get.

People who are meant to reappear will.

Let things go,

holding on to baggage will just keep you from truly feeling free.

I cannot express enough gratitude for everyone and everything that has brought me to where I am.

Not just for the life lessons in 2015, but in all the previous years since I began this journey.

It has not been easy,

and each year brings new challenges,

but learning how to fight for something will reveal a lot about how much you actually want it.

And I wanted this...

So as 2016 approaches,

let me remind you-

Appreciate beauty in all things-small or large.

Sometimes you have to slow down and look around to see it,

but beauty is everywhere,

its one of life's greatest gifts.

Living a life where you are both patience and brave,

where you keep pushing yourself out of your comfort zone,

and where you work on transforming into a better version

will be a catalyst for living a better life.

Practicing love, even when you don't get it back,

even when you are afraid of heartbreak,

is so important.

The key to understanding love starts with loving yourself,

be your best advocate,

take care of yourself and you will be able to take care of others.

Never say never, never say always,

remain hopeful and stay open minded.

You will not believe the experiences you will have if you live this way.

And of course,

keep trying to be a better version of yourself today then you were tomorrow,

everyone is a work in progress,

There is beauty in simply surviving the trials of life.

Never forget that.

“I believed in a good home, in sane and sound living, in good food, good times, work, faith and hope. I have always believed in these things. It was with some amazement that I realized I was one of the few people in the world who really believed in these things without going around making a dull middle class philosophy out of it. I was suddenly left with nothing in my hands but a handful of crazy stars.” 

-Jack Kerouac

"Hello from the other side I must've called a thousand times...To tell you I'm sorry, for everything that I've done-But when I call you never seem to be home..."

Hello, how are you?
It's so typical of me to talk about myself, I'm sorry
I hope that you're well
Did you ever make it out of that town where nothing ever happened?

It's no secret
That the both of us are running out of time

To tell you I'm sorry, for breaking your heart
But it don't matter, it clearly doesn't tear you apart anymore.

"The only way to do great work is to love what you do...

Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle." -Steve Jobs

It's not easy to know
I'm not anything like I used to be
Although it's true
I was never attention's sweet center
I still remember that girl

She's imperfect but she tries
She is good but she lies
She is hard on herself
She is broken and won't ask for help
She is messy but she's kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up
And baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone but she used to be mine

I wonder if our brain has a certain kind of purgatory,

built too trap memories,

forcing you to analyze and reanalyze what things mean,

over and over again.

A lot of things have happened,

and an extremely accelerated version of life has been a reality for the last six years.

The most intense type of journey,

with new places.

There have only been a few constants that remained in the ever changing landscapes.

Common themes that have influenced various decision.

Bravery, patience, an unquenchable thirst for newness...

Most carry an strong significance,

most carry symbolism of transformation.

Certain things that fell into place,

others that help to build harder decisions.

People who have appeared and reappeared,

and people who have disappeared.

I think about the meanings of different relationships,

and the lessons learned from growing together,

and the importance of placing a naive trust in something so new.

I never understood why it began,

but really I never understood why it continued.

Memories stuck in the purgatory that is my own mind.

It is a dull feeling to have lost it.

It feels like a large piece of life is missing...

and some days pass without any reflection,

and then I wonder how you find your way into my sleep,

and appear in dreams like a ghost.

The power of imagination is an unbreakable force.

The things we create in our mind can easily slip into reality.

But be careful about these things,

because maybe it was never supposed to be that way.

Have you ever wanted something so badly,

and then all of a sudden...you have it?

You call upon the universe,

and project your subconscious so deeply,

that things start to bend to your will?

That's the unbreakable force I'm referring too.

And I wonder if such whimsical dreaming is impossible to decorate with a simple explanation.

So you just mull it over and over,

and wonder if it would have been different if you never appeared.

Wondering where you disappeared,

wondering if you made it out of that town where nothing ever happens.

I'm sorry it unfolded this way.

Thousands of scenarios,

and we have found the one that grows us in opposite directions.

Or maybe I wished it into reality.

Don't forget that strength that you had,

the endless encouragement and optimism,

from the very beginning.

I always thought I was following behind you,

but maybe you were waiting for me to figure it out first.

Some paths cross back and fourth,

making figure 8's all over life's landscape.

While other paths run parallel,

perfectly in unison,

side by side,

but never ever coming in contact with each other.

Hitting each moment at the same time,

but living separately,

each it's own experience,

each it's own journey.

It's unfair to ask you to remember it the way I remember it,

but every now and then I wish you could see it from my perspective,

and I from yours...

Anyways,

let me tell you all about how it's been for me.

The drive was epic,

completely different than I expected,

less cactus and open road,

more mountains and red sand.

My expectations about the west were altered,

but it was incredible to be places I had never been.

Upon arrival, I headed for the ocean.

It's a magnetic force and I constantly feel it drawing me in.

Sunset, sand, the red ball of fire dipping into the ocean.

Palm trees everywhere.

And then, at first, it was like living a dream.

Some parts are familiar,

and there is a feeling of safety and security that wasn't in the East,

but yet that sense that while its been similar,

it's never been like this before.

Adjusting to landscapes and letting it sink in,

with all the permanence that comes with journeying across the country on a one way trip.

And then the city...

the beautiful city.

Which shows hints of the grey Fall that I'm so accustomed too.

But yielding an unexpected beauty.

A whole other beast then the grittiness of NYC.

In NYC people lived in the sky,

here they live in castles on a hill.

And you drive through the ups and downs of the city streets,

and every now and then you are completely surprised by the spectacular view laid before you.

This is a good way to describe life now,

living in a city that is constantly surprising me.

And lots of empty space now.

Which shows me really how much was poured into getting here.

How huge the desire to be West,

to be ocean side,

encompassed everything all the time.

I don't think it will be like before.

Some obvious similarities,

but it's like the East was simply practice for the real thing.

Don't get me wrong,

I do not take any of that experience foregranted.

NYC will always be the city that made me,

but the West has taken full claim and ownership over me.

I hope I can integrate gracefully in a new culture.

Maybe my abrasive Chicago accent will soften up a bit.

And while I'm here...

and while I can...

and while I exist on this earth,

I will see as many sunsets as I can.

It's the one thing the West holds over the East.

Ocean sunsets.

The purest most honest reflection of beauty in nature that is possible.

And they are amazing.

Completely surpasses anything I could ever imagine,

which is how I know that this time it's real.

I'm where I'm supposed to be,

I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing.

Maybe I've found comfort in the knowledge that the compass has finally brought me home.

I can walk with more confidence,

begin to plant some roots.

Experience smaller adventures,

build new consistencies.

Will you let the past lie in the past?

Don't underestimate the fact it could be the same for you.

Take solace in knowing I have walked through a long dark tunnel,

and found my way to the other side.

Remember nothing is truly easy,

but enjoy the moments that make everything worth it.

Persevere when you are faced with the impossible.

I can promise you it will all pay off in the end.

Because life is too beautiful not to live it with all the strength you can muster.

The journey is the most important part of discovering the person you want to be.

And everything you do matters.

“What is that feeling when you're driving away from people and they recede on the plain till you see their specks dispersing? - it's the too-huge world vaulting us, and it's good-bye. But we lean forward to the next crazy venture beneath the skies.” ― Jack Kerouac, On the Road

Long live the pioneers

Rebels and mutineers

Go forth and have no fear

Come close the end is near

And I say hey, hey hey hey

Living like we're renegades

X Ambassadors

Oklahoma

I know that however things all fall into place,

whether predictable or surprising,

I'm at peace with the process.

Things that seem easy now,

will unravel quickly and morph into the unexpected,

but I can weather the storm.

What I've come out of has only taught me to persevere,

to never say never,

to never say always,

to give second chances,

9.23.15

Arizona

"There was madness in any direction, at any hour. You could strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense that whatever we were doing was right, that we were winning..."

Hunter S Thompson

New Mexico

And where I was is beautiful
Because I was free

Once upon another time
Before I knew which life was mine
Before I left the child behind me
I saw myself in summer nights
And stars lit up like candle light
I make my wish but mostly I believed...

Sara Bareilles

California

"I do know the nature of this business and I know there is ebbs and flows. And as wonderful and exciting as all this is, this is my dream come true. Some people say I'm a workaholic, and I don't think that's what it is. I think I just love it so much and, for me, it doesn't feel like work. And this has been a dream of mine for so long, and it's taken longer than I had hoped it would. That when it finally has come to me I've been so scared that it's going to go away. So there's this kinda like grasping at it and working all the time. And something really beautiful has happened in the past ten days, where I'm starting to feel like, okay I can breathe. It's okay. You've found a place. No matter what, you will always be okay." -Jessica Chastain

Endlessly Grateful for a Life Paved with Adventure.

I have absorbed a lot of change as of late,

and my world looks completely different...

Sitting here in my tower on a hill,

I can't help but absorb how much my landscape has evolved.

Such a grand adventure,

relocating across country.

Driving through mountains and deserts,

to reach the ocean,

finally.

But I've made it to where I am,

and I am indescribably happy.

Life has never felt this way before,

complete.

It's a peaceful feeling to check everything off the list.

Wondering what new adventures to obtain.

But in the here and now I am fully in the moment,

with life fully happening all around me.

What is this life?

How am I so lucky to have found my way to this place?

The sunsets are the most magnificent here,

and I have a feeling of complete belonging,

watching the sun dip into the ocean,

and stars filling the night sky.

Completely indebted to the people and circumstances that happened along the way,

each moment bringing me closer to my new reality,

each step further into this new beginning.

It's unlike it ever was before.

The streets are cleaner than the last city that stole my heart,

and I am wide-eyed and innocent.

But really,

what is there to say right now?

I have learned to share the  most necessary things,

and hold the thoughts and questions close,

waiting until it becomes clear.

No aching desire to find myself out of the middle,

but a peaceful satisfaction lies in residing here on the west coast.

I can't believe it's as real as it is,

because I am convinced I will wake up from this dream at any moment.

I miss the comfort of the relationships that I keep,

but am completely overcome with the eagerness to build new ones.

I can't help but wonder if this is the end for now,

the beginning of the second chapter,

and I'm displaced in time and geography.

A home that was waiting for me all along,

speckled with mountains and decorated with ocean waves,

this place is the most beautiful place I've ever been.

Quiet curiosity about what life will morph into,

eagerness to begin to build new consistencies.

Perhaps it was always meant to be this way,

and everything else was just a run in the grand ladder or life.

Have you ever felt that moment,

when you know that everything you wanted and worked for,

was not only within your reach,

but a complete truth?

Because I don't know how often this comes around,

and whether it will ever be this way again,

but I certainly hope that I can capture this event,

and relive it over and over again.

What will my story be?

Am I done searching?

Could this be the legacy...

Perseverance produces dividends like never expected.

Bravery and patience has paid off,

and now it's just learning to be,

and learning to stay,

and learning to continue to grow.

There's no where left to wander,

because roots have already attached themselves to this ground.

Instead adventures lie and wait,

but the hopefulness of wanting to be in this place is finally satisfied.

I never thought that events would unfold like this.

The plan was ever changing and evolving.

Each minute that passed,

each moment of discomfort,

each instance of desperation,

seems completely worth the wait,

to know that this has all fallen together like it has.

I thought maybe life would reach a plateau like this,

I hoped diligently for it.

I worked to make the right moves,

and to head in the correct direction,

but never was I certain this is what would become.

And never will I take foregranted how far I have come.

Please let this be a reminder in the future,

that big dreams can become reality,

and that figuring out your own truth,

will bring you to a place of happiness.

Nothing is ever as impossible as it seems,

but nothing is ever completely in your control.

You must do your best to travel in the direction you are meant to go.

Listen to your gut,

follow the signs and jump at every opportunity.

Each journey is important and each moment really does matter.

In the grand scheme of it all,

you're simply fitting pieces of the puzzle together until it all makes sense.

I am not foolish enough to believe it will be easy,

because life has a way of finding teachable moments.

There will be struggles ahead,

but you are well equipped to handle them.

Stay humble and modest,

help to grow yourself,

but take time to show kindness to others as well,

because after all,

they showed kindness to you.

For now though,

appreciate that you are where you are.

Keep listening to your past,

because it will revel wisdom in your future.

Enjoy the new moments.

Remind yourself that life may never be this way again.

Don't be ungrateful when the moment are dull,

don't be burdened by stress from things your can't control.

Patience,

and trust the process because it works.

I hope you know that for now I will be in this place,

finding the happiness and satisfaction that you have already obtained.

Growing through new relationships and new experiences.

Planning and plotting the next adventure.

Thank you West Coast,

you have accepted me here with open arms.

My blessing are too numerous to count.

Seek out beauty,

practice love,

and know that living is the greatest adventure of all.