"And now, in this time and place, I realize simply that long ago is just a phrase... it sits on a dusty self, just out of reach and taunting me as I go about things. Second chances are past and all that's left is the nitty gritty present of my existence. And I add tiny sticks to keep the fire of hope alive. Because great adventures live on through anything." 8.19.2013

"Creativity itself doesn't care at all about results - the only thing it craves is the process. Learn to love the process and let whatever happens next happen, without fussing too much about it. Work like a monk, or a mule, or some other representative metaphor for diligence. Love the work. Destiny will do what it wants with you, regardless." 

-Elizabeth Gilbert

The sun is filling up the room
And I can hear you dreaming
Do you feel the way I do right now?
I wish we would just give up
Cause the best part is falling
Call it anything but love

And I will make sure to keep my distance
Say, "I love you," when you're not listening

Christina. Perri.

“I've apparently been the victim of growing up, which apparently happens to all of us at one point or another. It's been going on for quite some time now, without me knowing it. I've found that growing up can mean a lot of things. For me, it doesn't mean I should become somebody completely new and stop loving the things I used to love. It means I've just added more things to my list."

-Taylor Swift

Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And everything you do,
Yeah, they were all yellow.

I came along,
I wrote a song for you,
And all the things you do,
And it was called "Yellow".

So then I took my turn,
Oh what a thing to have done,
And it was all yellow.

So therefore I dedicate myself, to my art, my sleep, my dreams, my labors, my suffrances, my loneliness, my unique madness, my endless absorption and hunger because I cannot dedicate myself to any fellow being.

Jack.Kerouac

It's hardest to understand truths when everything seems to be perfect.

When the past fits neatly into a box,

packaged up and packed away nicely.

And the present feels like a peaceful reality,

and the future stretches ahead patiently before you.

You forget the path that you wandered down that brought you to an inevitable outcome,

because its all exactly how you imagined it to be.

In a way none of it surprises me,

and all the same I'm completely taken off guard.

And i'm doused in love and hopefulness.

It feels as though this was everything before and everything ahead of me always,

and blessing seem too numerous to count.

Constantly gracious and grateful for every day and every moment,

opportunity dancing before me,

and everything is just within my grasp.

What a change from the flailing impatience of the past.

The disorienting unknowns that made up each day...

but here I am nonetheless,

and it is hardest to remember the truths.

This all started years ago,

and I worried about bravery,

and I worried about patience,

and I worried I would never understand love.

Transform anonymously,

tiny adjustments to perspective,

and a hearty helping of triumphs and challenges.

But here I am.

With no resistance in a perfect idea of how life should be.

And the only thing stretching before me is the West,

and the ocean,

and complete freedom.

Unspeakably fortunate for this part,

the here and now.

So thankful for the choices in the past that brought me exactly to where I am.

I never thought it would really be like this,

and it's fully liberating to be in this much control,

and yet maintaining a lifestyle of whimsical dream chasing.

I'm hopeful because it's easy,

I'm grateful because the blessings are numerous,

I'm brave because I'm surrounded by an army,

I appreciate beauty.

I practice love.

When I look back at it,

I don't wonder...

I know for absolute certain this was the point of it all.

To find this harmonious balance,

to grasp this wanderlust and build a life towering with adventures,

and new beginnings,

and unexplored places.

To learn and to love the people in it,

and to live each day making everything count,

because really it all matters.

Someday I'll understand the journey,

or maybe I wont...

But I'll know it was all supposed to fall into place in this moment in time,

just the way it has.

And tonight I thought about Escapism.

All the parts previous,

and I wonder what I was running from,

and I think about how home always builds itself int he most surprising places,

and how much I carry with me,

and all the adventures and the streets that taught me about life.

The people along the way,

and how beautiful and perfect it can be to laugh

and laugh.

Always when you think it might not be this way again,

it recreates itself and the list of things to be grateful for lengthens.

I think about the greats that traveled down this road before me,

and I'm closer to understanding it all.

I wonder if it was like this for them too,

and when they saw the gold sunrise on an open road,

if they felt the sense of peace that I have.

And the good company they maintained,

and the stories they told,

and the new experiences they had along the way.

What a perfect life of a wanderer.

Never taking anything foregranted,

because everything changes so quickly.

And how some things will never change,

and they will remain with me,

carried close to my heart.

A harsh reminder of reality,

and how the easy choices are not always the most fruitful ones.

And it's the hard decisions that create beautiful transformations.

I wouldn't have done it differently,

and I realize this now.

But always there's a time when my mind wanders back.

And I know the "what could have been" doesn't matter anymore.

Because what's done is done and its put me here.

I hope that you understand what I mean.

I hope you truly realize what i'm saying about it all.

It may never be the same for you,

because each person creates a unique experience.

I will never know how it would have played out,

but I had to be where I'm at.

Because even in perfect there is truth.

And that is the most powerful things to understand.

Easy when you're battling demons,

and up against impossible situations.

Harder when everything is in it's right place.

You must continue to go the direction you are going,

and I will continue along my own way.

Maybe down the road the paths will cross again,

but for now I hope that your truths remain relevant.

I hope you can  see through all the parts in the past,

and dig around for your own memories to hold close.

I will choose to remember you the way it was,

and allow myself room to grow on my own.

It has to be this way,

even if you don't understand it.

Because it all matters so greatly,

and everything builds on itself and happens for the right reasons.

Its ironic to surrounded with so much love,

and to be so void of it.

But there is perfection in imperfection,

and I have no complaints.

I'm carrying on down the path west,

with the hopefulness, and bravery, and patience that I learned in the East.

I will appreciate every speck of beauty,

and keep the past in the past.

Because those things that have disappeared will reappear if that is what is meant to be.

Gratitude.

Adventure.

Transformation.

It all matters,

So maintain the peacefulness in your present,

and find solace in knowing that you're exactly where you need to be.

"Skies grow darker, currents swept you out again And you were just gone and gone, gone and gone In silent screams, and wildest dreams I never dreamed of this This love is good This love is bad This love is a life back from the dead These hands had to let it go free And this love came back to me..."

"I think you have to know who you are and what you want in order to take on New York and all its blaring truth..."

"I hope you know that you've given me the courage to change. I hope you know that who you are is who you choose to be. And that whispers behind your back don't define you. You are the only one who gets to decide what you'll be remembered for.

From the girl who said she would never cut her hair, or move to New York, or find happiness in a world where she is not in love..."

T. Swift.

Rain came pouring down when I was drowning

That's when I could finally breathe

And that morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean

I think I am finally clean

Said, I think I am finally clean

10 months sober, I must admit

Just because you're clean don't mean you miss it

10 months older I won't give in

Now that I'm clean I'm never gonna risk it

The drought was the very worst

When the flowers that we'd grown together died of thirst

The greatest lie we ever tell ourselves is that life will happen the way we plan it too.

Things are never that way,

no matter how hard we plan,

how perfect we set it up,

how sure we are it will end up the way we think it will.

And timing is funny,

the way it all unfolds..,

faster than we think, but slower then we hope.

Life is supposed to be a series of events that progress in the exact manner we expect,

but it continues to surprise always.

And you're never quite prepared for it all,

and all the planning and preparing in the whole world won't change that.

And just to be hilariously ironic,

when we are at our surest that it's going to happen one way,

it changes directions so quickly you are left with your feet kicked out from underneath you.

Sometimes these surprises are not good.

In fact it can be the most devastating,

like a lightening strike,

damaging, angry, painful.

But this is true life,

because even the most painful of all surprises create a transformation.

Forces an honesty,

shapes a change.

And you struggle to right yourself again,

to find your way through the hard times,

emerging a changed individual.

Don't discount those surprises, because they too are important.

And remember that everything happens for a reason.

Not everything requires an explanation.

Studying the past and living in regret will only waste the time you have for living.

I was always told to be in the moment I'm in,

too stop looking ahead.

But now that I've learned to live in the immediate,

to be present in the present,

I find it's most misunderstood.

The worrying about the future is just as productive as trying to change the past.

Not to say its not important to set goals and to provide yourself the best change possible.

Don't ever be a victim of your own life,

rather take charge of it.

Ownership and responsibility of who you are,

and the ripples you are creating in the gigantic seas of lie.

But believe me when I say we create our own destiny.

You can wall yourself up and build a fortress,

to try to protect from those bad surprises,

but this is not living.

And either way, you cannot avoid pain and heartache.

It's a part of growing.

That's the funny thing about life,

we want to grow and evolve and change,

but we forget about the pain that's involved in that process.

We forget that it's impossible without it.

But its also important to rise above it,

fuel the creativity,

renew hope,

learn bravery,

grow stronger.

Events in our past might define who inherently are,

but we are not victims of our own circumstances.

Rather we are champions in the arena of our own destiny.

And its important to remember about the good surprises too.

Just as breath taking and awestruck as anything.

Great epiphanies in the quietest moments.

The most tiny and most beautiful and most perfect instances.

Those can shape us too.

They can fuel creativity,

renew hope,

teach bravery,

and provide strength.

And I don't understand love,

and I don't think I will...

but maybe I don't have too.

Love is undefinable, immeasurable.

Its one of those good surprises and it's just like life.

It never happens the way we plan,

the way we expect,

the way we set ourselves up.

Because love is not an emotion we learn,

it's not an emotion we teach.

But rather love is it's own category.

It creeps us on us quietly,

it can shatter every perception we've ever had,

it can alter a single moment,

bookmarking it as a turning point.

It causes us to be both selfless and selfish.

It strips us down to nothing, and rebuilds everything back again.

I"d try to explain it better,

but really it's different for everyone.

You can't call on love, you can't force it,

but if you just live with an open heart and and open mind-

then it will find you.

Because it's so central to life and living.

It's the core of everything,

and it's everywhere.

I think about it a lot,

and worrying about love is just as pointless as trying to change the past,

or trying to predict the future.

Because it's on it's own clock and has its own agenda.
It cannot be controlled.

And it's scary as hell.

I don't mean just love in the classical romantic sense.

But I mean love in all meanings.

And it looks a little different each time,

in each scenario.

It's an uncontrollable passion for experience.

It's the brightly light night sky over a quiet town,

it's the way the sun sets and rises over the ocean,

its the look of a mother to a child,

its driving through the night to meet a friend and mend a broken heart.

Its the smell of a crisp winter night,

it's the sound of laughter, it's the sound of tears,

a gentle touch and a kind word.

this is love,

at least the love I can explain to you now.

And i say it's scary but let me explain...

it's scary the same way life is scary,

because it's surprising.

Along the way you have the good surprises and you have the bad ones.

You are allowing yourself to be vulnerable, exposed,

you relinquish control.

And no matter how much you think you are set up for it,

it never happens the way you think you are.

And you're never quite prepared for it all,

and all the planning and preparing in the whole world won't change that.

And just to be hilariously ironic,

just when we are at our surest that it's going to happen one way,

it changes directions so quickly you are left with your feet kicked out from underneath you.

That's the fall.

An adrenaline junkie and a gambler,

makes for the perfect candidate for surprises,
and the perfect candidate for love.

For breath taking awe struck moments,

where your feet are kicked out from underneath you.

For quick glimpses of perfect beauty in unexpected places at unexpected moments.

But also for pain, heartache, and inevitable change.

Don't be too afraid of the unknown,

don't be too focused on the past.

Live in the here and now and expect the unexpected,

and let it be okay to be misunderstood.

Open yourself to life and living,

allow yourself to fall.

Because in the end it all matters,

and things happen when you least expect,

and the beauty is in the fall,

and life is too damn perfect to miss out on any single moment.

"And I said, Stay, stay, stay. I've been lovin' you for quite some time, time, time..."

“There are so many ways to be brave in this world. Sometimes bravery involves laying down your life for something bigger than yourself, or for someone else. Sometimes it involves giving up everything you have ever known, or everyone you have ever loved, for the sake of something greater.

But sometimes it doesn't.

Sometimes it is nothing more than gritting your teeth through pain, and the work of every day, the slow walk toward a better life. 

That is the sort of bravery I must have now.” 

In the morning it comes, heaven sent a hurricane
Not a trace of the sun but I don't even run from rain
Beating out of my chest, my heart is holding on to you
From the moment I knew

“I fell in love with him. But I don't just stay with him by default as if there's no one else available to me. I stay with him because I choose to, every day that I wake up, every day that we fight or lie to each other or disappoint each other. I choose him over and over again, and he chooses me.” 

veronica roth.

You know what I've been wondering lately...

if you reach this point in life where you have been around and around and around,

in the same sort of ways as before,

and you begin to grow emotional calluses.

Where there was once an uncomfortable ache and pain,

layers grown on layers,

and it stops being painful.

Is this strength?

Is it better to be numb or is it better to feel?

Do we even have a choice in the matter?

Part of living with no regrets is learning how to look forward instead of in the past.

Its taking the experiences from before and using them to shape the future.

But never wishing it was any different than the way it is.

I hope this isn't masked by the disguise of self-transformation.

I hope this isn't giving up, or giving in, or settling.

I hope at some point those feelings return.

I believe you owe it yourself to be allowed to feel.

We want to choose in life,

to be happy but not sad,

to be brave but not to fear,

to be hopeful but to ignore discouragement,

to love without hurt,

to gain without sacrifice.

But it doesn't work that way,

at least I've never seen it look like this.

We have these opposing emotions that force us into wanted feelings,

but never regard the painful parts.

We grow impatient and frustrated during the hard parts,

and begin to feel entitled to the rewards and the joy.

But it's always work.

Nothing just happens,

it's always the action/reaction...choices that have consequences.

I've been wondering lately when it became like this.

Why everything is bland and tasteless,

where to go to summon joy,

where to go to find the darkness before the light.

It's better to feel than to be void of feelings.

To be so good at building protective walls,

that you're sacrificing the hard parts of life,

in order to avoid inevitable pain,

and then losing the joy and the happiness.

Emotions are the symptoms of life,

it's how you know you're alive and living and experiencing and growing and changing.

Numbness is the absence of living.

The absence of change and self-transformation.

Recently I had a conversation with an old friend,

about I explained that I have no interest in ordinary.

That i choose to see the past as a beginning and not as an end.

This was not an isolated event,

but rather the trial run for what lies ahead.

Before I didn't do it alone,

I had the support and company of another individual.

And that provided an unimaginable strength.

But I think about it now, and I wonder if maybe I go about it in a different way.

Use my past experience to grow my future,

because you can't wait for that support.

You can't hope that someone will go about it with you,

because you have the sole responsibility for creating your own story.

And I lived it every day again and again for a year.

The places, the people, the streets, the sounds, the lights,

all of the lights.

But just like that it all feels like a different lifetime.

A fantasy world separated from  the here and now,

the inns and outs of what life has morphed into.

And i'm sure that it's my responsibility to remember the experiences,

to grow on the past into my future.

Whether you're there or I'm void of you,

whether it happens the same way or a different way.

And i know it's all okay,

because this is the journey I'm on,

and this is way I've gone about it all.

As I said before...

the loneliest feeling is manifested from knowing you're misunderstood.

But you can spend your whole life trying to present a self that's understood.

You can spend your whole life conforming to connect,'

craving a sameness.

This may not be a good use of time and energy.

This may not further the cause,

this may not create a newness,

and this may suffocate your individualism.

Eventually leading to the emotional callus,

protection from the familiar wave of feelings,

crashing down and smoothing out the roughness,

rounding out the edges,

and making it easier to ignore what cannot be ignored.

You cannot possibly imagine what you are capable of,

because it's all circumstantial.

If I knew what I know now,

then I never would have survived any of it.

We are constantly growing and stretching and reaching into the farthest parts,

in order to adapt.

It's a beautiful thing, simply surviving the trials of life.

It's created everything I know to be true,

its created every essence of who I am,

its allowed a journey of expression where I'm free to celebrate individualism.

Sometimes you have things that you deal with,

and you work on it,

piecing it together, trying to make some sense of it.

And you work as hard as you can,

but then it becomes overwhelming-

so you put it back on the shelf to return to later.

It's okay that you don't have all the answers,

i don't expect you too.

Its okay that things don't happen in an instant.

The parts that you want to rush always take forever,

the the things that happen in an instant are always unexpected.

Its okay to have your own timeline,

create your own expectations.

It's okay to be misunderstood.

I said this is okay,

I did not say this was easy.

Remember there is not joy without sadness.

There is not bravery without overcoming fear.

There is not hopefulness without learning disappointment.

There is not love without pain,

there is not growth without sacrifice.

Don't be greedy about the good parts,

give attention to the hard parts too.

Because at the end of the day, you owe it yourself to let you feel.

To grow through the hard times,

to make the good times that much sweeter.

It's part of being, living, feeling alive.

Its actively participating in the here and now,

it's living without regrets.

Be honest with yourself when you make decisions,

do not do something because its easy,

do not do something because it's hard,

just realize that the actions you take reflect the integrity of the self as an individual.

And those choices are honest.

And it all matters.

Don't forget it that everything happens so quickly,

so don't rush it too much,

but don't be complacent.

Allow those moments you want to hurry to pass as they are supposed to.

Don't be too caught off guard by the moments that happen in an instant.

Practice love,

because even if you don't understand it,

it's still important.