"I don't know how it gets better than this!!! You take my hand and drag me headfirst...Fearless! And I don't know why, but with you I dance-in a storm in my best dress-Fearless."

Sometimes...you didn't know you could win the battle until you look behind you and realize you have an army at your back...

Men are haunted by the vastness of eternity. And so we ask ourselves: will our actions echo across the centuries? Will strangers hear our names long after we are gone, and wonder who we were, how bravely we fought, how fiercely we loved? 

"In the sky, there is no distinction of east and west; people create distinctions out of their own minds and then believe them to be true."

Lost your balance on a tightrope
Lost your mind tryin' to get it back

Wasn't it easier in your lunchbox days?
Always a bigger bed to crawl into
Wasn't it beautiful when you believed in everything
And everybody believed in you?

"'Before the end my heart was broken down.
I slumped on the trampled sand and cried aloud,
caring no more for life or the light of day,
and rolled there weeping, till my tears were spent.'"

"If we are always arriving and departing, it is also
true that we are eternally anchored. One's destination
is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things."

So thankful...for tiny blessings, for gigantic blessings.

For surviving and enduring and evolving.

Desiring to become a better person is easy.

Transforming into one is hard.

Feeling despair can be devastating. 

Being given the gift of a renewed hope is invaluable.

Perspective and hope are  vital and irreplaceable. 

For once.

This moment.

Peace.

Human beings are creatures that are very similar to each other, made from the personal nature of human experience. Each one of us is fully engaged in playing the game of life: fighting the challenges and reaping the rewards. Few things are ever certain, even fewer things come easy. (***notice there are no quotations in this entry because it is entirely original)

Fear. I wish everyone could see it the way I do. Fear is a mask we wear, a blanket we cover ourselves with, and a weapon we guard.

It’s an omnipotent, undeniable, motivator that creeps its way into every facet of life. It forces intensity of feeling, it creates transformation and self-realization. Fear is not a friend, although it can be helpful and comforting. I have been afraid before. Startled, terrified, uneasy, 

panicked, experienced the pins and needles, felt the pit of my stomach dropping. I have gone to bed with fear night after night, lying next to it, holding it. I have allowed fear to become a reality. I have welcomed fear into my life.

But not tonight.

No, tonight I feel no fear.

Tonight is simply a journey of self discovery,

tonight I will feel true freedom.

 It's approximately 3:00AM. The hour between 3:00-4:00AM is both my favorite hour and my least favorite hour of all the 24 hours that cycles over and over again. It's my favorite because i'm doing one of two things: either sleeping peacefully and deep in happy dreams or i'm lying awake thinking, thinking, thinking...Both are satisfactory and relaxing-self-reassuring that is. It's a time to reward myself without pressure to do anything or be anywhere. I can simply lay in a peaceful state. It's my favorite because during those times my brain drifts off and begins to dream about things that seem possible and exciting and amazing. Things that inspire, things that accomplish, things that excite...and i plan until i'm certain in my convictions and my new goals. But those thoughts drift away with the sun. But just for this one hour, i'm deleriously tired enough to think that i'm undestructable to the world, to my life. And i hold onto that as tight as i can as i drift off into sleeping bliss. I do my best thinking during this one hour where late night changes into early morning.

It's also the worst hour of the 24 cycle. It's hard to make it to 3:00am without feeling the exhaustion death begin to eat away at my soul. And sometimes it's unsettling. The majority of people are asleep. Early to bed or late to bed, early to rise, late to rise...all types of people are asleep because it's an inbetween. And that's lonely. it's the rare people, night people, who utilize the importance of this hour. They accomplish things, socially-academically-physically...because like me, they know that it's a rare time when things begin to change into a new day-both the end and the beginning.

Recently I was told that I should make myself more available to the possibility of love. Fascinating, as if my entire existence isn't already being dragged forward inch by inch into the unknown, all in the name of love. There is no greater feeling then to have love, know love, be loved, give love...Love is the building block to everything. I have both had love and lost love. I know heartbreak and heartache. I know loyalty and compromise and dedication. I know so well this driving force that possesses every individual. I breath love as air, constantly...but yet-in a way-I understood what he meant,I believed him. Love is an entirely undefinable feeling, unique to each person. It's as unpredictable as the weather, and As dependable as the stars...showing evidence of its presence long after it's gone.

Truthfully the only thing in life that I've ever wanted is the thing I've fought most to keep, and the  knowing I could never live without.

Be intense. Live honestly. Never stop dreaming.

"You have people come into your life shockingly and surprisingly. You have losses that you never thought you'd experience. You have rejection and you have learn how to deal with that and how to get up the next day and go on with it."

“And tomorrow’s just a mystery, oh, yeah, but that’s okay. I’m alone, on my own and I’m starting off. I’ll be strong, I’ll be wrong, oh, but life goes on. Oh, I’m just a girl trying to find a place in this world.”

"To me, Fearless is not the absense of fear. It's not being completely unafraid. To me, Fearless is having fears. Fearless is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, Fearless is living in spite of those things that scare you to death." 

"Real life is a funny thing you know.
In real life saying the right thing, at the right moment is beyond crucial.
So crucial in fact, that most of us start to hesitate, for fear of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time.
But lately what I’ve began to fear more than that, is letting the moment pass with saying anything.
I think you deserved to look back on your life without this chorus of resounding voices saying, I could of but it’s too late now.
So there’s a time for silent, and there a time for waiting your turn. But if you know how you feel, and you so clearly know what you need to say.
You’ll know it.
I don’t think you should wait.
I think you should speak now."

"Words can break someone into a million pieces, but they can also put them back together. I hope you use yours for good, because the only words you'll regret more than the ones left unsaid are the ones you use to intentionally hurt someone." 

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."

"The way to develop self-confidence is to do the thing you fear and get a record of successful experiences behind you. Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved."

So I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep
And I'll feel you forget me like I use to feel you breathe
And I'll keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are
Hope it's nice where you are

And I hope the sun shines and it's a beautiful day
And something reminds you, you wish you had stayed
We can plan for a change in weather and time
I never planned on you changing your mind

So, I'll go, sit on the floor wearing your clothes
All that I know is I don't know
How to be something you miss

-Taylor Swift

All along the eastern shore
Put your circuits in the sea
This is what the world is for
Making electricity
You can feel it in your mind
Oh you can do it all the time
Plug it in and change the world
-MGMT

As a single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. To make a deep physical path, we walk again and again. To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives. 

-Henry David Thoreau

"We get to think of life as an inexhaustible well. Yet everything happens only a certain number of times, and a very small number, really. How many more times will you remember a certain afternoon of your childhood, some afternoon that's so deeply a part of your being that you can't even conceive of your life without it? Perhaps four or five times more. perhaps not even that. How many more times will you watch the full moon rise? Perhaps twenty. And yet it all seems limitless"

Somewhere along the way I lost my confidence.

Forgot my self-worth.

But the great search to find it again...

this is life.

To live boldly and take chances.

Facing inevitable changes... 

understanding limits, living immortally .

Being brave.

Demanding success.

Achieving goals.

Nothing is easy, it's  always between-what could have been and what was....

But live with honesty, and sensibility .

Embrace the opportunities.

Love.

"Things change...sometimes so quickly you don't even notice them. Happiness is something you have to look after."

"Experience is, for me, the highest authority. The touchstone of validity is my own experience. No other person's ideas, and none of my own ideas, are as authoritative as my experience. It is to experience that I must return again and again, to discover a closer approximation to truth as it is in the process of becoming in me." 

 “During my life I've seen many things, good and bad, but the bad things never came out of loving acts, loving gestures or loving relationships. That’s why I’m here tonight; to celebrate you and your families. And to tell you to hang in there and to say, once and for all of us, long live love.”

 "It should not be denied... that being footloose has always exhilarated us. It is associated in our minds with escape from history and oppression and law and irksome obligations, with absolute freedom, and the road has always led West."

I'm sailing away
Set an open course for the Virgin Sea
'Cause I've got to be free
Free to face the life that's ahead of me

"To truly love something, you must first give it a chance to fail. If it survives, it is going to be stronger than ever. Distance is pure proof of this, and forever we will love if we survive."

Thank goodness.

Life is finally starting to make sense.

New York is my home.

I LIVE HERE.

I love my city and I will miss spending time here while I am gone.

Love will always win.

Preserve happiness.

Embrace love. 

Once you find it...and you know what I'm talking about....hang on tight, never let it go.  

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. . . . It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.

Sometimes you just get that feeling...

that everything is just PERFECT...

the right mood,

the right smell in the air,

the right song...

 everything is exactly as it's meant to be...

but then i realize. it's all false, because you aren't there.

love. there's no other way to live.

"So, I guess we are who we are for alot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them."

Title QUOTE: Re-used because it's necessary to reiterate this...

"Always remember where we come from, how we got here, and Who led us into the warmth of the sunshine." 

"Each of us is carving a stone, erecting a column, or cutting a piece of stained glass in the construction of something much bigger than ourselves."

"Develop an attitude of gratitude, and give thanks for everything that happens to you, knowing that every step forward is a step toward achieving something bigger and better than your current situation."

 There are two ways through life: the way of nature, and the way of Grace. You have to choose which one you'll follow. 

Nature only wants to please itself. Get others to please it too. Likes to lord it over them. To have its own way. It finds reasons to be unhappy when all the world is shining around it. And love is smiling through all things. 

-Tree of Life

Today I missed...

my friends.

college.

family.

my doggies.

good sleep.

lazy days.

the asgard porch.

laughter.

feeling connected.

conversation.

family dinners.

smiling kids.

kitchen conversations.

after diner walks.

my brothers.

bloomington.

feeling grounded.

familiar company.

This was a really good week.

I think it spoiled me.

Good times to come...looking forward to spending it with friends and family.

hate feeling this lonely.

in general. much progress was made.

"Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before."

“Virtue is the fragrance of the flowers which the tree of life puts forth."

" Love is a symbol of eternity.  It wipes out all sense of time, destroying all memory of a beginning and all fear of an end.  "

 “As for me, to love you alone, to make you happy, to do nothing which would contradict your wishes, this is my destiny and the meaning of my life”

 "I want to be here and nowhere else, Rationing off bits of myself...So I can crumble at your side."

 TO FIND MEANING IS TO KNOW PURPOSE, THIS IS MINE, THE GREAT SEARCH

This is real.

To know who you, where you belong...

the search for meaning and purpose,

the understanding of the origin of life.

To believe, to feel, to love.

To love is the most real.

To love is purpose, and honesty, and above else the most important.

Do not deny yourself love.

Love yourself, love others, love what is around you.

If you love, you will find meaning.

If you find meaning,

that is when you will understand your purpose.

"People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you learn to appreciate them when they're right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself"

"...good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

I turn the music up, I got my records on
I shut the world outside until the lights come on
Maybe the streets alight, maybe the trees are gone
But I feel my heart start beating to my favorite song
-Coldplay

i bring you a thing .
you need most.
silent between.
supplies and machines.
i hang in the corners LIKE A GHOST.
you know i live to be seen through

no better way that i can see.

-Jenny Owen Youngs

in the end the end you are responsible for yourself.

trust yourself and no one else.

you are the protector of you.

in the end only you can guard yourself.

be an activist, stand up for what you believe in.

hope. dream. fear. achieve.

don't be swept up by lies and false promises.

trust your gut, because it's probably right.

"You get tough like me and you don't get hurt. You look out for yourself and nothin' can touch you..." 

"Let's dance in style, lets dance for a while... Heaven can wait we're only watching the skies!!!! Hoping for the best but expecting the worst Are you going to drop the bomb or not? Let us die young or let us live forever, We don't have the power but we never say never..."

"Oh, no. To live... to live would be an awfully big adventure."
-Robin Williams at Peter Pan (Hook)


Forever young, I want to be forever young Do you really want to live forever

FEAR IS A FRIEND WHO'S MISUNDERSTOOD.

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

You know it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing

I learned the hard way that they all say
Things you wanna hear
My heavy heart sinks deep down under
You and your twisted words
Your help just hurts
You are not what I thought you were
Hello to high and dry

Love Song Sara Bareilles

Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You'd better know that in the end
Its better to say too much
Than never to say what you need to say again
Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open

Say John Mayer

You might have to close your eyes
And slowly open wide (all this beauty)
And watch the sun rise. 

Well, I'll just go ahead and admit it...I have been hardcore major funking lately.

 I can't seem to figure out exactly what's going on with me, so mine as well blog about it right?

I have been thinking a lot about time...how it progresses, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years...

If you ever need to put something into perspective look back and look ahead, and realize that time passes so strangely sometime...

but embrace it. People come and go and life is so short. Take advantage of every moment you have with every person,

because you just don't know when you will get it again.

Anyways, lately I have been thinking a lot about the people in my life that have come and gone,

the influence they've had on me, both positive and negative.

Another way to monitor timing is to look at all the relationships you've had and lost and gained,

at least that 's what I do.

It makes the world seem a little smaller.

That's a good thing

.

So this funk I'm in....I feel like I'm disappearing....

Which, I've been thinking a lot about why I would feel this way, and I realized 

IT'S BECAUSE I AM.

Now almost 4 months living in a new place, a big place, with lots of people, and 100% new experiences...It's totally changing me.

I'm becoming someone different, and I have to believe really I'm just turning into

a better version of myself. 

There are definitely good days and bad days, (lately more bad ones)...

but its normal and it's part of the process.

But the thing I realized is that its really delicate, because it's a completely personal experience.

My mistake is thinking I should be sharing it, but it's not something that can be shared.

I definitely don't need anyone to tell me who I am or what I am or how I feel.

I have no one expecting anything from me, and 

I FUCKING LOVE THAT...

It's total freedom and me being able to just DO ME.

But there is consequence to this also, because in order to be able to be with yourself,

you have to understand yourself. 

You have to appreciate yourself,

the good parts and the bad.

Its not a matter for me of self-esteem, I've always had a rather high one-

but I have struggled a lot with understanding myself.

It's easier to understand yourself

in relation to the people around you-the  safety net of your friends, family, co-workers...

but when you lose that net, you have to learn to understand yourself

all on it's own.

This is where I'm at.

Transformation.

Change.

It's incredible how it happens, such immovable  force of life.

Whether you want it, need it, crave it, request it, ignore it, deny it

it happens anyways.

No permission needed.

I think I  will embrace my funk, and give myself a little more leeway to transform.

I realize that I am constantly challenging myself to be better, and that's a good thing.

But i also have to let myself make mistakes,

its when we make mistakes  that we learn lessons, and change happens.

So let me be. 

Let me be me.

Leave me be.

I'm disappearing, 

but  only so I can reappear as a

better version of myself.

Let me learn.

Let me grow.

Let me make mistakes.

 Let me be sad.

Let me be lonely.

Let me celebrate myself.

Let me not be so proud.

Let me not be so uptight.

Let me live.

A beautiful strength is found in simply surviving the trials of life.