"I hope that you see right through my walls I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling I'll never let a love get so close You put your arms around me and I'm home..."

The whole thing's tumbling down

Things start splitting at the seams and now

If things start splitting at the seams and now,

It's tumbling down

Hard.

Anything to make you smile

You are the ever-living ghost of what once was

I never want to hear you say

That you'd be better off

Or you liked it that way

But no one is ever gonna love you more than I do

No one's gonna love you more than I do

 Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two
-St. Augustine

In a book, in a box, in the closet 
In a line, in a song I once heard 
In a moment on a front porch late one June 
In a breath inside a whisper beneath the moon 

There it was at the tips of my fingers 
There it was on the tip of my tongue 
There you were and I had never been that far 
There it was the whole world wrapped inside my arms 

-Leighton Meester

“The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.”

The Most Amazingly Inspirational Video I've Ever Watched

"At some point in life the world's beauty becomes enough. You don't need to photograph, paint or even remember it. It is enough. No record of it needs to be kept and you don't need someone to share it with or tell it to. When that happens — that letting go — you let go because you can."

Some things in life are so amazing there is no way to truly know...you just have to appreciate the beauty.

aurora borealis

Named after the Roman Goddess of Dawn-Auora and the Green name for Wind-Boreas

THE GREAT BLUE HOLE

The Midnight Sun

"I know you see me...

Like some wide eyed dreamer:

That just rolled in off a dusty mid-west bus."

Reflections

Preface: this is going to be really random...

The First Topic: If you cannot tell by the beginning of this post-I've been thinking a lot about beauty lately...I'm sure it's mostly to do with my new geographical location. Lately I've been finding so much beauty EVERYWHERE and in EVERYTHING. It's been a real healing perspective for me to have actually, and I feel blessed because it's just sort of happened. Other then desiring a new perspective on life I didn't do anything significant to cause this. It is new though...and this is going to sound really stupid...but every song I hear is the best song I've ever heard, ever simple interaction I have feels like someone granted me a random act of kindness, every success I achieve I celebrate. The shock of being in NYC has worn off slightly (as tomorrow makes it 2 months in this glorious city), however I can't help but think at least twice every day that I am living the dream. No matter how hard life feels, or how lonely it gets, or the weather, or work, nothing, NOTHING...can change this underlying contentment and satisfaction and pride I have for being here...living here...making a life for myself here. Yes, it's hard at times, yes its overwhelming at times...but I'M DOING IT. And while I generally believed this was possible the whole time, I was really scared to be on my own for the first time. I mean really on my own...far away from the people I know and the places I know...But I think it's the fact that I am alone that I can find the beauty in life I have been ignoring before...it was always there. Just living is a beautiful thing. I think for the first time in a while...maybe ever...I'm seriously excited about the possibility of life and I know that whether it's scary or not I can do it! And that is a beautiful feeling.

The Second Topic: There's something that's been on my mind lately a lot. And I really want to share it, because I've never really expressed this before. And I can't really stop thinking about it. There is no real significance to these stories to anyone other then myself, because it was two really personal interactions, but nonetheless let me tell you...

When I was on the airplane flying to LaGuardia from O'hare...I was so nervous, exhausted, emotional, anxious, excited, scared...you name the emotion and I was probably feeling it. When we boarded the plane I found my seat (had picked the window seat in order to get pictures) and the two remaining seats on my right were empty. The flight wasn't full, it was Valentines Day, a Monday...I was looking out the window waiting for the plane to take off (I already hate flying and the plane was delayed on the runway) and this girl sat down in the aisle seat of my row.She was in her early 30's, traveling alone, and one of those people who just says whatever the hell is on her mind simply because she can. She added a colorful commentary to the fact that we were delayed (for the second time), she talked about the people around us (why she moved seats), and settled herself in. I was not the most responsive person as I was working really hard to just keep my shit together (the move, the flight, everything...). She asked me where I was from as the plane finally left the runway. Something about the way I look during takeoff...I must look like hell because more than once someone has tried to start up a conversation with me-which tells me they are so concerned they are taking the time to offer distraction. I took a few seconds to answer the question...mostly because I was distracted worrying if we were going to make it to our cruising altitude. But then I said well originally from Chicago, but I guess now from NYC, I'm moving. She said "Oh" and went back to studying her textbook for a few second and then looked at me and said, "wait, so this is the move?" and I said, "this is the move." The rest of the flight there was more conversation. She was originally from NYC but living in Chicago for a few years, she

studied pre-med and is currently a doctor at Illinois Masonic Medical Center, living in Lincoln Park. She was flying back to NYC for the Westminster Dog Show. I think about her a lot.

The other person I want to tell you about...his name was Eric. I met him later that afternoon, after arriving in Greenpoint I set my bags down and immediately ventured out to my first apartment showing I had set up. Little did I know at the time I mastered a very tricky subway transfer-my first solo subway experience and my first NYC subway experience ever. I found his apartment, which was very nice, but in a very questionable neighborhood. He had an awesome dog and a room with a balcony and a roof with an amazing view. Seemed like the perfect home. He was a freelance photographer, and other then admitting very causally he dabbled in psychedelic drugs and smoked a ton of weed was a fairly normal guy. He had great taste in music and the apartment was clean and well decorated. We sat and talked for a while. I asked a lot of questions, and he was patient. I explained I have never looked for an apartment before and not sure about the process...somewhere during the interview I think I had subconsciously decided I couldn't take this apartment (as it was the 1st one I had seen and I had been in the city 2 hours), although it was offered to me. But nonetheless our conversation moved to profession, pets, lifestyle, furniture, roommates, travel, music....He  was the first person I met here. And still has been one of the kindest. We went our separate ways and I let him know I wouldn't be taking the room, I'm sure he found a roommate. I still think about him a lot.

(Sorry this is getting really lengthy)

The Third Topic: This is somehow connected to the previous topics...but unrelated all the same. So I've learned a lot so far, experienced a LOT. So many firsts have gone by so quickly...my first apartment search, my first day of work, my first ferry ride, the first time I saw the Statue of Liberty, the first time I rode the subway/bus, the first time I walked the Brooklyn Bridge, my first time driving a car through Manhattan, my first time attending a book signing, the list of "first time"s I've seen or done or accomplished something is endless. I can't say this has been perfect, but what is perfection anyways-all relative. There is a lot of things one faces when they are discovering themselves alone in a new place for the FIRST time...These are the things I've learned about myself-

I'm a dreamer. I've always been a dreamer and I always will be. I dream big but I'm capable of accomplishing most of those dreams. This may make me someone who doesn't always appreciate the moment, but I'm learning how to do both. I wouldn't ever want to lose or compromise my dreamer-ness. This makes me happy and it's who I am. 

I'm stronger then I thought I was...not in the ways I originally thought I was strong but in totally different ways. I'm not afraid to be alone, in fact I enjoy spending the day with myself. I enjoy spending time with myself in general and I need too, because it helps me process life. I'm not afraid of death or dying. I'm not afraid of taking risks. I have more self control then I thought I did.

I'm in a learning process. I'm so young, only 23!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Life is totally just beginning and there are so many things I want to see and do, and there is no rush, because really wanting something is an amazing motivator. And sometimes it takes times to achieve those dreams. But in general I'm not scared of not knowing what I'm meant to be doing. In fact I have a ton of ideas of what I want to do with my life. I have been playing with the ideas of different professions down the road. I love mastering something and I love working hard. The more frequently I can challenge myself doing working different types of jobs keeps life interesting. Plus, there are so many choices out there...why settle for doing one thing forever. Again...there is time.

I'm sure this crazy idea to not have children and this inner voice telling me I need to be alone for a while is a HUGE hint to what lies ahead. Not in a bad depressing way...and not even in the selfish way I thought. But rather, I want to live dangerously-I want to travel to exotic places, I want hike/camp, I want to change jobs, change locations, I want to buy a boat, I want to learn how to surf, I want to live on a beach, I want to go cave diving...the list is endless...none of this is conducive for being a mother. Children need stability and safety, and schedules and consistency. I want to be unpredictable, adventuresome, and slightly reckless at times. Maybe this will all get out of my system as I experience more and get older. But right now...I see lots of adventuring ahead...lots of things that are slightly dangerous, new hobbies to learn, new places to visit. New challenges to master. New people to meet. 

So I have been telling this to myself lately, "Keep dreaming, keep learning, keep experiencing. The possibilities are endless. You are stronger then you think, remember things take time. Don't hurry life, enjoy the moment."

Well I guess that's it. Told you it was random. Feels good to get that out there.

Promise I'll minimize the personal ramblings next time.

You put your arms around me
and I believe that it's easier for you to let me go
You put your arms me and I'm home

Arms-Christina Perri

"“Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think"

A couple of hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. Never leave that till tomorrow, he said, which you can do today. This is the man who discovered electricity. You think more people would listen to what he had to say. I don't know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I'd have to say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you're wrong? What if you're making a mistake you can't undo? The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can't pretend we hadn't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day. Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying.

-Grey's Anatomy

Sometimes its doesn't matter what angle we look at a situation, so many different perspectives, none of it matters. There is no correct course of action. In the end the result is the same; and it's beautiful.

"The whole thing's illusion, Jacob, and there's nothing wrong with that. It's what people want from us. It's what they expect."

 -Sara Gruen

“There are those who will say that the liberation of humanity, the freedom of man and mind is nothing but a dream. They are right. It is the American Dream.”

'Some years ago — never mind how long precisely — having little or no money in my purse, and nothing particular to interest me on shore, I thought I would sail about a little and see the watery part of the world." -Moby Dick

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
BUT THESE STORIES DON'T MEAN ANYTHING
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you
I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules-The Story Brandi Carlile

"Who is it that loves me and will love me forever with an affection which no chance, no misery, no crime of mine can do away?"

Don’t you wanna stay here a little while?
We can make forever feel this way
Don’t you wanna stay?

-Don't You Wanna Stay (Jason Aldean & Kelly Clarkson)

So no matter what you been through, No matter what you into
No matter what you see when you look outside your window
Brown grass or green grass-Picket fence or barbed wire
Never ever put them downYou just lift your arms higher
Raise em till’ your arms tired
Let em’ know you’re their That you struggling and survivin’ that you gonna persevere
Yeah, ain’t no body leavin, no body goin’ home Even if they turn the lights out the show is goin’ on!
Alright, already the show goes on Alright, till the morning we dream so long
Anybody ever wonder, when they would see the sun up

Just remember when you come up The show goes on!

-Lupe Fiasco

Well, let's just see how this goes...shall we. Okay...here it is...been thinking a lot lately about affection. How does one show to another that they care about them? Why does love have so many translations? What happens when one person expresses love to another in a specific way, and what happens if the other person understands love in a different language? What makes a bond between two people? What is the breaking point? I don't think I understand love, and I don't think I ever will. I want too though. I have this inner desire that craves relationships and interaction. There is something beautiful about taking the time to sit and listen to someone tell their story, in the same way one might appreciate self-expression through song, painting, writing, photographs, dancing, acting, anything really. This is how I feel...I don't want to get to carried away here. Been having these reoccurring thoughts lately though. Mostly about love, and the expression of love. I feel stuck though, and it changes how I feel about everything...There is a whole mural of questions I have in my head...wondering how leaving someone could equal love. How is that possible? Is love leaving, if that's the right thing? Is loving someone always doing the right thing? Or is love honesty? Is love loneliness or separation? Is this how we know that we love...by being apart? Is loving oneself possible without constant self-improvement? What causes us to love another? Body chemicals? Common interest? Physical Characteristics? Feeling secure? Maybe love can't be explained at all, perhaps this is why I'm struggling so deeply to understand it. But what is life without love? It's so necessary. Not even loving another person, but loving an activity, a song, a hobby, a sunset, a novel, a pet...I may argue that it's so vital. I wish this wasn't so confusing to me. So very confusing...I'm thinking learning to love yourself can be the most difficult hurtle to jump, because in order to love I believe you have to have an understanding...full comprehension-and that means digging deep. Which can be scary...soul searching. Shit. That's really real. Appreciating yourself for who you are despite what you come from. Understanding yourself on a whole...mind, body, soul. To learn healthy strategies for bonding. To understand what bond has been broken. To repair the damage you may not even understand, or injuries you don't know you have endured. This is just how I feel. I think so many people express love to others in so many ways it's hard to differentiate where you fall on the spectrum. But somewhere...This doesn't have to make sense, there is nothing to be understood. There is no context. Rambling I know. But I had to ask...

"You see the smile that's on my mouth, Is hiding the words that don't come out And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed They don't know my head is a mess No, they don't know who I really am And they don't know what I've been through..."

Cryptic words meander
Now there is a song beneath the song
One day you'll learn
You'll soon discern its true meaning
An interesting detachment
A listless poem of love sincere
Desire, despair
Overlapping melodies

-Song Beneath A Song (Maria Taylor)

"All my life I have felt alone and I wonder if that aloneness will ever go away. I know it's going to be a long, painful and lonely road to recovery. I hope I have the strength to continue on that road to my destination as a whole person." -author

This feeling  freaks me out...

Because it's fucking familiar...

In a really foreign way...

"You had my heart inside of your hands, but you played it with a beating. Throw your soul through every open door, Count your blessings to find what you look for. Turn my sorrow into treasured gold, You'll pay me back in kind and reap just what you've sown."

The silent sound of loneliness

Wants to follow me to bed

I'm the ghost of a girl

That I want to be most

I'm the shell of a girl

That I used to know well

Dancing slowly in an empty room
Can the lonely take the place of you
I sing myself a quiet lullaby
Then you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again

Too afraid, to go inside

Broken pieces of
A barely breathing story
Where there once was love
Now there's only me
And the lonely...

The Lonely -Christina Perri

"We shall not cease our explorations, and the end of our exploring will be to arrive back where we started and know the place for the first time" 

"There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life." (John Lennon)

For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life.
But here was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first,
some unfinished business, time still to be served, or a debt to be paid.
Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that this was my life.
This perspective has helped me to see that there is no way to happiness.
Happiness Is the way.

We're all lonely for something we don't know we're lonely for. How else to explain the curious feeling that goes around feeling like missing somebody we've never even met? ~ David Foster Wallace

"You know how every now and then, you have a moment where your whole life stretches out ahead of you like a forked road, and even as you choose one gritty path you've got your eyes on the other the whole time, certain that you're making a mistake." 

-Jodi Picoult

I can only note that the past is beautiful because one never realises an emotion at the time. It expands later, and thus we don't have complete emotions about the present, only about the past.

-Virginia Woolf

"I wondered what happened when you offered yourself to someone, and they opened you, only to discover you were not the gift they expected and they had to smile and nod and say thank you all the same." 

-Jodi Picoult

Preface: Total honesty...empty words....mindless expression

What if she was coming back?

"I'm an artist, and the need to get inside myself and be creative and be other people is a part of who I am. I don't imagine I'll abandon that completely..."

“People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.”

Baby, I think we both know 
It's gone wrong, wrong, wrong 
And I know you don't think we can carry it on 
Baby, I think we both know 
It's gone bad, bad, bad 
Think of all the good times we had 

Driving to your house 
'Member when we first met 
Dancing on a friday night 
Under the moonlight 
Talking 'til the night was gone 
In the back of my truck with the radio on 

"The problem with time, I've learned, whether it's those first two weeks I got to spend with you, or the final two months I got to spend with him, eventually time always runs out. I have no idea where you are out there in the world, John. But I understand that I lost the right to know these things long ago. No matter how many years go by, I know one thing to be as true as ever was - I'll see you soon then."

"Hard to break...Like the ground I grew up on! You may fool me, and I’ll fall. But I won’t stay down long..."

They say you get stronger in the broken places
when you lean into the crisis that your facing
In your weakness your made strong

I could back down and fall to pieces
Just to fire with a million reasons
You know that's what I used to do
Ohh but I believe we can go the distance
Not take the path of least resistance

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking, that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger

"Don't be afraid to fall in love, It's the only thing that matters in life. Fall in love with as many things as possible."

"I read somewhere... how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong... but to feel strong."

I can't stop thinking about STRENGTH. What it means to be a strong person, or to live with strong convictions...to be someone who can weather the storm, even through the worst times. Really it relates to everything currently that has been running through my mind...the tragedy in Japan, dealing with being brave, what it means to be a person with strong convictions, strength in parenting, having the strength to endure the hard lessons, and to keep going even on those days you wake up and feel totally hopeless. It's such an interesting idea because it is visible in so many different arenas of life. Everyone shows their strengths in the ways that they know how to portray them and it's so individual. If you can figure that out, then it's a beautiful thing.

Specifically, I watched Country Strong today...the main character...was obsessed with this idea of being strong...making this comeback to return to a place where she could feel strong about her life. She was trying to overcome a dying marriage, failing career, and struggle with addiction. And basically the entire film showcased this great struggle for her to be "country strong." Which the message as I understood it, was to be able to overcome her struggles in a way that shows to everyone else she was "country strong." Anyways, in this journey to find her inner strength she pretty much unravels completely after being pulled out of rehab too early...and she has this huge redeeming moment towards the end of the film where it seems as everything is going to be okay. But in the end she realizes that love and fame cannot exist in the same place and she takes her life. Which seems totally opposite, to me, of everything she was trying to be. 

I have a special place for characters who are fighting internal battles like that...I guess I relate, because so often I feel that internal struggle...but I love seeing it portrayed in film. Other examples I can list of the top of my head...characters that have adjusted my perspective on "strength" as a general concept...Emile Hursch in Into the Wild, Natalie Portman in Black Swan, Charlize Theron in Monster...to name a few. There are so many though...basically in general it forces me to think about how hard life can be and how important it is to find that strength. Whatever that may look like-and live with that strength. Because frankly life is hard.

 Lately I've been trying to find what my own "strength" looks like to me. This idea that I can wake up and live each day without feeling "weak." Weakness to me is fear, insecurity, not having personal convictions. So strength, to me, seems to be bravery, self-accomplishment, honest living, and fearless decision making. I find this in a song, in a conversation, in other people, in so many little things...an article I read, a story I hear, random acts of kindness...I find all these reminders to live with strength. People do it all the time, every day...they overcome trials, the achieve their dreams, they take chances. I want so badly to have that for myself. So I'm thankful for any reminder that I have to be strong, or to feel strong.

I believe it can be transforming and eye-opening. It's a lifestyle, an attitude, a specific mindset to push onward and carve a path...which hopefully won't end in untimely death (as previously mentioned). But I believe this may be the most important key to success. I just think about the people in my life that I admire as "strong" and I hope that I can set that example for someone else...This is a total scramble of all my thoughts and pretty much incoherent but I wanted to get it out...so there it is...how I feel. If you read this far-good job. 

A beautiful strength is found in simply surviving the trials of life.

Dear book, this is another day in my life. A life is like a book. A book is like a box. A box has six sides. Inside and outside, so, how do you get to what's inside? How do you get what's inside, out? Once upon a time, there lived a very pretty girl, who lived in a beautiful box, and everybody loved her.

“Jealousy would be far less torturous if we understood that love is a passion entirely unrelated to our merits.”

"And that's the day I knew there was this entire life behind things, and... this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Video's a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember... and I need to remember... Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in. "

Tim Travis:            What am I going to do for the rest of my life? All of a sudden it matters. 

Penny Travis:        Well, Tim, the secret to the success of life is to find something you love. 
                              Is there something that you love? 

Tim Travis:            Yes. 

Penny Travis:        Good. And you have to do that for the rest of your life. 
                              And you'd better hope to hell that you're good at it, because if you're not you'll probably fail. 

Tim Travis:            How do you know if you're good at it? 

Penny Travis:        How do you know if you're good at it... 

Tim Travis:            Yes. 

Penny Travis:        People tell you. 

"I know, I know. Life is so disappointing. Here you are. You have arrived. You are here. This is your moment. What do you have? You have pain. You have everything. What do you have? You have nothing. Everything is right, or everything is wrong. It's disappointing, it's confusing. This is life. What can we do?"

Feeling angst-y again.

This is really fucking frustrating.

Constantly being close to what you want...

and never having exactly what you need....

its the worst fucking feeling.

So over this.